Being approached in the pub when you don't want to be

Frito

Well my priority is to enjoy myself in any given social situation and protect my right to choose the company I keep, and the location I wish to keep it.

The problem arises when "thanks, but no thanks" is taken as an affront.

The compromise I make is remaining polite.

Jonny Blaze

Far and away the best approach to deal with guys like this is to play to exactly the thing that is making him be a dick in the first place.

Wait, hear me out!

The reason a guy will more often than not respond poorly to being turned down (with the calling people bitches and whatnot) is simply hurt pride..

Usually the kind of guy that will react this way is easily suckered into a simple ploy.

Fake a little moderate interest in the guy and tell him "yeah i'd love to for a quiet chat/ get a drink/ go and have a dance with you, but I told my best friend i'd meet her here in 10 minutes from whatever time it happens to be.

How about I give you my number and you can call me in like half an hour after i've had a chance to chat with my friend?"

The simplicity of this plan, is that the guy will usually swallow it whole and make off with "I am **** hot!" head on him back to his mates to brag..

Only obviously it's not your real number you've given him..

Lather rinse and repeat until the hint is got!

I mean come ladies.. surely I shouldn't have to tell you all how to fake it effectively amirite?!

Frito

Jonny Blaze wrote: »

repeat until the hint is got!

Think I spot the flaw there.

Jonny Blaze

Frito wrote: »

Think I spot the flaw there.

At least you'll have him off your back for a bit.. with any luck he'll get too bored or pissed to do anything more or try it on with someone else!

Besides, as already established, the alternatives don't seem to be working out any!

Pug160

Jonny Blaze wrote: »

Far and away the best approach to deal with guys like this is to play to exactly the thing that is making him be a dick in the first place.

Wait, hear me out!

The reason a guy will more often than not respond poorly to being turned down (with the calling people bitches and whatnot) is simply hurt pride..

Usually the kind of guy that will react this way is easily suckered into a simple ploy.

Fake a little moderate interest in the guy and tell him "yeah i'd love to for a quiet chat/ get a drink/ go and have a dance with you, but I told my best friend i'd meet her here in 10 minutes from whatever time it happens to be.

How about I give you my number and you can call me in like half an hour after i've had a chance to chat with my friend?"

The simplicity of this plan, is that the guy will usually swallow it whole and make off with "I am **** hot!" head on him back to his mates to brag..

Only obviously it's not your real number you've given him..

Lather rinse and repeat until the hint is got!

I mean come ladies.. surely I shouldn't have to tell you all how to fake it effectively amirite?!

You're right about not hurting his ego. But then you suggest that the woman should deceive him. I don't agree with that as it won't improve his view of women if he's being lied to.

I think the old ''I'm just going to the toilet'' trick that some women use is better as she's not telling him lies. She is going to the toilet. She's just not coming back. But in all honestly, if someone truly wants to avoid something they shouldn't place themselves in the situation in the first place.

Jonny Blaze

Pug160 wrote: »

You're right about not hurting his ego. But then you suggest that the woman should deceive him. I don't agree with that as it won't improve his view of women if he's being lied to.

I dunno, screw it I say, if the guy doesn't take the hint he deserves to be deceived! Anyway, you could think of it as a "white lie" and that you're protecting his aforementioned, problematic, ego if it helps ye sleep at night!

Results is what you're after isn't it? Rather than spending all night brushing off a guy politely only to have him turn around and call you a bitch!

This can work for sure, it has worked for me and friends of mine, just has to be the right kind of clod who wouldn't get the hint anyway!

False Prophet

I'm afraid there will always be a certain type of guy that doesn't take no for an answer, either

1)because it is a successful pulling tactic and they are experts at it. Knew 2 guys from work that would pull the tactic on females on nights out. Were depressingly successfull most nights, so the circle continued...

2) Because drink brinks out the stalker/desperate in them.

First draft on Precautions/steps to take if polite no is not accepted
1) Mention that you are expecting your boyfriends to arrive any minute from work and don't want a scene. (or maybe mention your lesbians instead!)
2) Start using your mobile as if you received a call.
3) Ignore by just talking with friend( maybe try speaking in another lang)
4) Try and lose him by to the toilet/smoking area
5) Ask the barman/workers for help in moving the guy/pest on.
6) Ask another group/fella for help, often had people ask me/mygroup for something(light etc) and then ask that we keep chatting until stalker/pest moved on.
7) Move to another bar, if a main town/city there should be plenty more options

If you say no and the guy/guys don't take the hint and become angry/pissed/annoyed then don't worry about it, he is clearly an assh*le and you had a lucky escape.

Im a fellow so the steps are only my 2 cents, no offensive intended

Frito

Jonny Blaze wrote: »

At least you'll have him off your back for a bit.. with any luck he'll get too bored or pissed to do anything more or try it on with someone else!

Besides, as already established, the alternatives don't seem to be working out any!

Honestly, I think the outcome would be the same, only dragged out over a longer period of time. Easier and more effective to get a bouncer.

Jonny Blaze

Frito wrote: »

Honestly, I think the outcome would be the same, only dragged out over a longer period of time. Easier and more effective to get a bouncer.

Maybe... but where's the fun in that!

Besides as mentioned above there's always a plan B!

Or B through 7 rather!

pwurple

Mine is usually a very simple
"OMG Look over there!"

He looks, we move to another table. Pretend we don't remember him when he follows us.

Works for dogs, works for drunken morons.

IvyTheTerrible

Pug160 wrote: »

I sympathise with girls to a certain extent here but if you know there's a good chance that you'll be getting unwanted attention, then why do you keep choosing a bar as a venue? Or certain bars in particular? Bars are not the only places with a lively atmosphere, there are some nice restaurants with a relaxed setting where you could eat and have a drink while catching up. It's a compromise but that's life. We all have to make compromises from time to time. You actually have one thing in common with those drunken men: you're doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Weigh up your priorities.

As for how to turn down a drunken and/or pigheaded man? It's entirely up to yourself. IMO the best way is to turn him down without hurting his ego. I can understand why some women might get fed up with that tactic when they encounter real idiots though.

Yet again, why should I as a woman, change where I want to spent my time, because someone else doesn't want to behave themselves?

cantdecide

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

Yet again, why should I as a woman, change where I want to spent my time, because someone else doesn't want to behave themselves?

Ladies only pubs? It sounds like the only way to avoid drunken men.

iwantmydinner

Yeah, I'm done with this thread. Yet another tLL discussion gone down the tubes.

Pug160

Pug160 wrote: »

You actually have one thing in common with those drunken men: you're doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Weigh up your priorities.

As for how to turn down a drunken and/or pigheaded man? It's entirely up to yourself. IMO the best way is to turn him down without hurting his ego. I can understand why some women might get fed up with that tactic when they encounter real idiots though.

Drunken men pestering women are doing the same thing over and over again with the same result. Why should it be the victims that change their behaviour? Why is it expecting too much to be able to sit in your chosen venue and be left alone?

If someone is harrassing me when I'm out I see no reason why I should be tender with his ego, he's obviously doesn't care how I feel, does he?

That being said, I'm always polite. Sadly that means to some men that I'm leading them on, which in turn leads to them getting nasty.

It's a pretty sad state of affairs when basic courtesy is interpreted as open season.

fits

Jonny Blaze wrote: »

Far and away the best approach to deal with guys like this is to play to exactly the thing that is making him be a dick in the first place.

Wait, hear me out!

The reason a guy will more often than not respond poorly to being turned down (with the calling people bitches and whatnot) is simply hurt pride..

Usually the kind of guy that will react this way is easily suckered into a simple ploy.

Fake a little moderate interest in the guy and tell him "yeah i'd love to for a quiet chat/ get a drink/ go and have a dance with you, but I told my best friend i'd meet her here in 10 minutes from whatever time it happens to be.

How about I give you my number and you can call me in like half an hour after i've had a chance to chat with my friend?"

The simplicity of this plan, is that the guy will usually swallow it whole and make off with "I am **** hot!" head on him back to his mates to brag..

Only obviously it's not your real number you've given him..

Lather rinse and repeat until the hint is got!

I mean come ladies.. surely I shouldn't have to tell you all how to fake it effectively amirite?!

This is such an incredibly awful idea, I dont know what to say.

B0jangles

I kind of feel like this thread has actually managed to (in a way) replicate the pub/club experiences described in the OP.

Gotham

It seems to me, generally speaking, that men go out for a different reason than women do.

listermint

Morag wrote: »

Why should we have to go to a gay bar?

iwantmydinner wrote: »

Are you being serious?

kylith wrote: »

Because we should only be in public if we're actively looking for male attention. If we're in a relationship, gay, or just not looking at the moment we should hide away so that men can be sure that the only women they'll come across are actively seeking male companionship and therefore they won't have to develop rudimentary social skills such as knowing when to leave someone alone.

If your attacking me because i offered some reasonable alternative then it shows more about you than me. I was in no way implying that women should be seen and not heard, which is practically what you are inferring here. TBH its a pretty stupid conclusion to draw from all my posts on this matter.

It is plain 'common sense' that if you find yourself being hit on in specific bars (perhaps you are an attractive soul) and you dont want to be hit on in specific bars go elsewhere. Because there is nothing that you can do as a non -landlord to prevent the idiots in these bars coming in and being attracted to you and possibly being dicks (some people are dicks)

There are certain 'types' that are attracted to certain bars, If you dont like the attention then why would you go there? its perplexing. I wouldnt go to certain bars because i know there would be 'trouble' in them from certain lets say insalubrious characters. So if im looking for a quite late night drink with friends i would go elsewhere. Thats the way of life.

Dont attack me and dont put words in my mouth.

And whats wrong with going to a gay bar if you dont wish to be hit on by men ? its an alternate option of venue which is exactly what i was offering up.


(rolls eyes for measure)

Gotham

listermint wrote: »

And whats wrong with going to a gay bar if you dont wish to be hit on by men ?

Good chance that they might be hit on by women then.

CiDeRmAn

When I was a student nurse back in the very early 90s I can remember many situations when men got very pushy with female colleagues.
Usually they handled then just fine but on occasion I was asked to step in, often to masquerade as a boyfriend, sometimes this lead to the intimidation swinging my way!
What I did notice was these men were not always drunk and that they were more likely to target women who were, presumably so they'd get their rocks of while the women had only regrets, if they were lucky.
Oddly enough some colleagues were quite unhappy if others attempted to rebuff this male attention on their behalf, but as they say "Its all about choice"

listermint

Gotham wrote: »

Good chance that they might be hit on by women then.

Perhaps try the venue as an option it may turn out to be better? Point being go to certain bars, attract certain attention. Its the way of the world. Certain bars have certain clientele. if thats 'dicks' then avoid it .....

cantdecide

It's a pain in the hoop but *unless this thread's purpose is simply to complain about how drunk and annoying drunk and annoying jerks are (which is counter productive IMO), the solutions are thus;

a) avoid the problem
b) deal with the problem
c) ignore the problem

None are ideal solutions but unfortunately we are all doomed to share the world with annoying jerks and there is nothing you can do about the problem that fall outside the above options. *Is it a surprise that this thread is going in circles?

iwantmydinner

listermint wrote: »

If your attacking me because i offered some reasonable alternative then it shows more about you than me. I was in no way implying that women should be seen and not heard, which is practically what you are inferring here. TBH its a pretty stupid conclusion to draw from all my posts on this matter.

It is plain 'common sense' that if you find yourself being hit on in specific bars (perhaps you are an attractive soul) and you dont want to be hit on in specific bars go elsewhere. Because there is nothing that you can do as a non -landlord to prevent the idiots in these bars coming in and being attracted to you and possibly being dicks (some people are dicks)

There are certain 'types' that are attracted to certain bars, If you dont like the attention then why would you go there? its perplexing. I wouldnt go to certain bars because i know there would be 'trouble' in them from certain lets say insalubrious characters. So if im looking for a quite late night drink with friends i would go elsewhere. Thats the way of life.

Dont attack me and dont put words in my mouth.

And whats wrong with going to a gay bar if you dont wish to be hit on by men ? its an alternate option of venue which is exactly what i was offering up.


(rolls eyes for measure)

It was in no way, shape, or form, a reasonable alternative.

- There are plenty of towns and villages across Ireland in which there is no gay bar.

- Gay women hit on women also.

- It isn't always "specific bars" that these incidents occur in, so it's just not possible to avoid these arseholes simply by avoiding certain bars.

- The problem here, very clearly, is NOT that we are unwise in choosing where we go for a drink. The problem, is that some men won't take a polite hint, then refuse to accept, "sorry, we're not interested" and become aggressive when you become more blunt. All while you're just trying to have a drink and a conversation with a friend.

Gotham

listermint wrote: »

Perhaps try the venue as an option it may turn out to be better? Point being go to certain bars, attract certain attention. Its the way of the world. Certain bars have certain clientele. if thats 'dicks' then avoid it .....

I agree with you, it's sad but probably the best thing to do. I have a related anecdote:

Years ago I went to see daft punk at Oxygen.
Half way through, the dance tent venue closed and the daft punk concert was inundated with rave heads who couldn't stick going cold turkey from a bit of electronic music.
The whole atmosphere changed to one I was very uncomfortable with and I had to leave, It's sad - I was looking forward to Daft punk so much, but I think my choice was for the better experience.

fibix

Gotham wrote: »

It seems to me, generally speaking, that men go out for a different reason than women do.

Not really. Know plenty of girls (in their thirties) where the night without a pull or shift is a waste of fake tan and make up. It stinks of desperation.

listermint

iwantmydinner wrote: »

It was in no way, shape, or form, a reasonable alternative.

- There are plenty of towns and villages across Ireland in which there is no gay bar.

- Gay women hit on women also.

- It isn't always "specific bars" that these incidents occur in, so it's just not possible to avoid these arseholes simply by avoiding certain bars.

- The problem here, very clearly, is NOT that we are unwise in choosing where we go for a drink. The problem, is that some men won't take a polite hint, then refuse to accept, "sorry, we're not interested" and become aggressive when you become more blunt. All while you're just trying to have a drink and a conversation with a friend.

Its is a reasonable alternative.

Why?

Because the odds on all the items you listed above are far lower than going into 'x' trendy late bar, where the odds are far higher. Thats a fact.

Im sure you have some comprehension of odds. Which is why it is 'in some shape or form' a reasonable alternative.

Das Kitty

cantdecide wrote: »

It's a pain in the hoop but *unless this thread's purpose is simply to complain about how drunk and annoying drunk and annoying jerks are (which is counter productive IMO), the solutions are thus;

Maybe it's to share experiences, like the OP clearly stated.

But apparently that's not allowed, so a bunch of boardsie men trot in and dole out the advice on what women should do differently.

So what if we just want to share our experiences with each other? It's cathartic to know that you're not the only one in situations like this.

iwantmydinner

listermint wrote: »

Its is a reasonable alternative.

Why?

Because the odds on all the items you listed above are far lower than going into 'x' trendy late bar, where the odds are far higher. Thats a fact.

Im sure you have some comprehension of odds. Which is why it is 'in some shape or form' a reasonable alternative.

Who said anything about these incidents only happening in x trendy late bar??

What about addressing the points I made, if you're going to tell me I'm wrong?

kylith

cmore123 wrote: »

As a male person, I find this interesting... I exceptionally rarely approach women in bars as I am quite shy, but I think I'd be even more wary now! :-)

There is no need to be wary. By all means say hi to women but be aware of signals that she's not interested: giving curt replies, turning away from you, ignoring you unless you directly speak to her. Or, you could always ask 'would you like some company?' or 'do you mind if I join you?', which would give her the option to say yes or no. And above all, if she's not interested apologise for bothering her, wish her a nice night, and go on your way.

Daveysil15 wrote: »

So a guy shouldn't approach a girl in a crowded pub unless there is direct eye contact? If that's the case I never would have met anyone.

Eye contact is good, but see my reply to cmore123 for indications that your advances are not welcome.

Of course I've had a few rude responses too, but that's just the way it goes.

The rude responses are most likely because you did not heed the 'not interested' signals until she felt that she had no other option but to be rude. Don't let it get to that stage, for goodness' sake; be aware of if you are annoying someone.

Pug160 wrote: »

I sympathise with girls to a certain extent here but if you know there's a good chance that you'll be getting unwanted attention, then why do you keep choosing a bar as a venue? Or certain bars in particular? Bars are not the only places with a lively atmosphere, there are some nice restaurants with a relaxed setting where you could eat and have a drink while catching up.

BECAUSE WE LIKE PUBS. I like pubs; I like them for the relaxed atmosphere, the comfy seats, the large selection of beers, the fact that you can sit there for hours on end chatting, all things that you generally will not find in restaurants. I sometimes go for dinner with my friends, but you cannot stay in a restaurant for the night, they do not want you to and they are generally eager to get you on your way as soon as you have eaten. A restaurant is not a comfy, cosy place to have a natter, a pub is.

And why is the 'answer' that women should avoid places? Why isn't it that men should be more aware of body language? Or that men should have the good grace to not get stroppy if a woman says she's not interested? Why does it always seem that it's women who have to alter their behaviour?

OldNotWIse

One of my biggest hates. This happens a lot when I'm out with the OH, but strangely, not when I am with my male friend hmmmmmmm