Were you bullied?

m'lady

I was never bullied thank god, and I have to say I don't recall any evidence of bullying in my schools- primary and secondary. I think it stems from the fact that the Principal in the primary school ran it like an army camp- she just would not have tolerated any bullying going on, she was a scary woman and to this day I'd quake if I met her!
I think the problem today is Principals and Teachers alike are too soft and their hands are tied in a lot of situations.

I do think bullying had taken on a whole new level today, where it is less physical and face to face and more happening online, which is scary as its less obvious, but has the same effect on children or adults really. I was only talking about this to my daughter last night(11 years) and was explaining to her that idiots online can be sooo brave and say awful things that they may not say face to face.

walshb

Kimia wrote: »

I know that there are people who will argue that bullying makes you stronger rabble rabble. I don't think that's true - how can anyone argue for a 'bullying school of hard knocks' to make you into a stronger person - fúck that, I'd prefer to have a childhood free of fear and intimidation. I don't know what kind of person I would be like if I wasn't bullied, but I know that I strive in my daily life to never offend anyone and yes this is the result of knowing how it feels to be humiliated and mortified in front of loads of people. However was becoming the person I am today worth the bullying I received in school? Definitely not.

QUOTE]

I agree. Bullying surely only damages a person. Can it benefit a person? Some may argue it can, but that can never be known because we cannot compare it against that child had they not been bullied. Not defending bullies at all but many many good and kind and decent people have bullied others when they were younger. It's only when a person matures and grows up that they really understand respect, manners, and kindness towards others.

I've always been a target for bullies. I'm an Aspie, so I'm naturally different from others. When you're a kid and your peers pick up on that, they either avoid you or use it against you, in my experience. People used to always called me retarded and tell me to shut up and stop talking to them whenever I started talking about one of my special interests. They would steal the dinosaur/Pokémon/Buffy (whatever my obsession was at the time) items that I brought to school, which I now realise I did in an attempt to make myself feel calmer. They never seemed to care how much it upset me.
I learned to handle it, but that basically involved keeping to myself. I cut everyone but a few people off and didn't pay attention to the rest. Then my 'friends' turned on me. They were far worse than anyone else had ever been. They used everything they knew about me against me, threatened my safety, spread rumours and did everything they could to make me miserable.
Needless to say, I became very depressed. To this day I still struggle with self-hatred and thoughts of suicide. Sometimes my condition borders on psychotic; I start to see/hear things and have trouble separating my dreams from my memories. I know I won't ever be the same again.
That's why I feel very strongly about bulling. It hurts me when people say that victims should just 'get over it' and that the bullies were 'just kids'. I was just child, too, but that doesn't lessen the effects that I am still struggling with to this day. Bullying is abuse, be it that of a child or an adult. Would it be all right for someone to tell a victim of domestic violence to 'get over it'? No. And it shouldn't be an acceptable approach to victims of bullying. People need to stop protecting the guilty; that is both bullies AND their parents (children don't get these habits from nowhere).
Sorry that was a bit of a rant, but this is a sensitive subject for me.

sarahbro

I was bullied from 6th class to 2nd year by a gang of lads in the local school.
They broke my nose twice, dislocated my shoulder and plenty of emotional scars but they're mainly in prison now so....

Blush_01

I've always been heavy and opinionated. Not a good combination.

Started primary school and as a junior infant was an integral part in a Tip and Tig style game called "The Fat Disease". That kind-of set the scene for the rest of my time in school. Not so much physical as mental bullying. Stabbed in the leg with a biro because someone was moved to sit beside me as punishment for misbehaviour. Had thumb-tacks put on my chair and when I complained to the teacher she told me to get over it, that the same had been done to her. Had my coat taken into the boys toilets and dropped into the urinal and pee'd all over. So I got more upset, frustrated and angry as time went by, because any time I tried to do anything about it, it was seen as my fault - I had invariably said something "wrong" to someone or should have been able to get over it because I was physically bigger.

Secondary school, and decided I wouldn't put up with being picked on anymore (ha!). So whenever someone tried to pick on me I reacted aggressively. Because I'm tall and heavy, I was seen as the problem. Kept to myself a fair bit, could've been worse really. Left and didn't keep in touch with anyone. Only getting back in touch with the people I liked and got on with over the last year or so.

College was odd. Made a friend very quickly who, two months into college, turned our entire group of friends (most of whom I had introduced her to) against me - long story, but essentially she lived at home, she was seeing someone (for about 3 weeks), he broke up with her, she rang me threatening to kill herself, I was over 100 miles away at the time, so I rang her mum to say that they had broken up, that I was worried she was upset and ask her to be nice to her because I couldn't call over, I was too far away. Her mother thought I was a complete nutter, but I didn't want to tell her exactly what the girl had said to me, and also didn't want to risk her doing something stupid and it being too late to stop her. So this girl came into college the next day, cried all over the place about her breakup and turned everyone against me - not totally sure what she said about me, but that was the end of my friendships with a lot of people I had had a lot of respect for. Made a few really good friends afterwards, but it took a while.

Left college, went to work, my supervisor hated myself and my colleague and made no bones about it. Picked on every single thing we did. I was good at my job (won an award for my work). My colleague went on maternity leave and cried with relief when she left the building because she didn't have to come back for months. I cried because my ally was gone. Eventually left, and was delighted.

Moved to the next place and for the first 3 months my new supervisor pretended she was my best friend. Then a new girl started, she had interned there before, and we all got on great. But my supervisor hated that we got on, and ended up ramming me into my desk with her chair (she sat directly behind me), disagreeing with everything I said in a disparaging manner in front of everyone and intimidating me in a number of ways. It got to a point where I felt physically sick going in to work and I was terrified of her. I decided to finally stick up for myself, requested a meeting with one of the managers, and explained my situation. A colleague joined me. I was told by the manager that, as a grown-up, I should be able to deal with this kind of thing, and that I was being ridiculous.

So yeah, would love to be able to not do whatever I'm doing wrong. But I'm just going to keep trying!

Ugh Blush what's been happening to you is despicable, and it really only solidifies my belief that bullying is surrounded by nothing but victim-blaming and people that don't want to listen. I'm glad you're starting to stick up for yourself now; I know how hard it is, especially when you know any retaliation will only result in trouble for you. So long as you don't tolerate it, however, things should get easier. I know I'm not as easy to bully as I once was, because I don't pay attention to negativity. It doesn't erase what happened in the past, but it makes the future seem a little brighter.

Just one thing I've been mulling over: does anyone else think the reason some people dismiss bullying is because they were/are bullies themselves? I tend to think they're trying to repress their own guilt by defending perpetrators of the same crime.

Blush_01

kyedhen.female - two things work for me. Positivity (because negativity will only get you down, and there are enough things to drag you down if you let them, without having yourself be one of them!) and a firm belief that the world is round [and what goes around comes around!].

I think we all deserve to be happy, right?

And the best person to make you happy is you, because otherwise who will if you don't make them see that that's how you want to be?

(Weird / random aside: I'd love some Lemon Tart with cream right now. Mmmmmhm.)

MOR66

On and off bullying throughout secondary school.It was mainly emotional bullying and only a few verbal comments at the very beginning (not said to my face but so i was aware they'd been said).Needless to say the rejection and not feeling involved by my peers has crushed my self worth.

Madam_X

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

would I be right in saying that girls tend to bully more than lads? among the younger generation

I'd say it's 50/50.

Met a girl recently who was in the year ahead of me but got the hell out after third year. She said she was never directly bullied, but still utterly terrorised going into the place - very quiet, shy, timid girl. There were a few tough cookies in my school all right, especially her year. One incident (I remember hearing about it at the time) traumatised her - in the gym changing room: a girl grabbed the head of a girl who was giving her lip, and smashed her face into the sink repeatedly until she broke her nose. Apparently the crack echoed around the room. The assaulted girl's mother contacted the school, which advised her to leave it - because any intervention would only result in further harassment of her daughter, and she could be in danger from her assaulter's family too. :eek:

She saw a girl pull a knife on her classmate in first year, a girl give a girl a bleeding nose in the middle of class, the latter assaulting a teacher... those scummy wagons ruled their year with an iron fist. Must have been so intimidating for quieter girls. I remember not feeling intimidated by it but certainly wouldn't have dared even slightly getting on the wrong side of them...

When I went to that school, it had nearly 1,000 pupils. Five years later the student population had halved - so bad was its reputation by that point. A shame because it is a lovely building with excellent facilities.

eviltwin

Never bullied thankfully. I know it went on but I wasn't ever a victim of it.

So much bullying now though, I have a daughter in 4th year and it seems to be par of the course in school, its just accepted as being the norm which is really sad.

When I started my first job there was terrible bullying, I remember shortly after starting one of my male co-workers went out on lunch and didn't come back, turned out he had been bullied by our boss for years and had just had enough. I only stuck a year myself because the atmosphere was just so bad.

Knox ie

I was bullied at primary and secondary school intermittently but I was fortunate to have good friends who were protective of me to a degree. I was also accused of being a bully by a girl who was bullying me when I was about 10, and her mother laid into me at the school gates one morning about it.

For me the worst bullying I've witnessed has been in the workplace, perhaps because I expect adults to be a little less mean than kids can be!

shaz30

i hope i am in right place for some advice . i am a 30yrs old and i decided that i would start a course to try and get a better job for myself. starting out, everything was going great, met new friends and loved the course. when another girl (19) joined the course she was wlecomed and we all got along great. this particular girl and another from our group decided to start making mean comments about another girl in the group. stupid things like her weight, clothes, hair etc. i decided that i would tell them it was childish and i did not want to be part of what they were doing. since then they have been being nice as pie to the girl they were mocking and also no are telling other people in the class i have been talking behind their backs! and i have not!! they make loud comments about how boring i am and have been saying mean things about me to others, they whisper and laugh looking at me when im near them. another student even asked me if i was ok as they have seen what hey are doing to me. i feel so stupid for lettinng this bother me. i dread going into college now, i feel physically sck with worry. i worry how many people will end up mad at me because of what they are saying. i dont know what to do. i want to report it but i think it will make it worse. i feel like dropping out but i really love the course, i have been ignoring what they have benn saying and doing. i am not sure if i should react, i dont want to give them any satisfaction of knowing they are getting to me. this is a very childish issue i know, but it is getting me down.:mad:

Hi Shaz30,
Welcome to the Ladies' Lounge

I have moved your post to a more recent bullying thread. There is also a personal issues forum which you can avail of if you feel that would be better for you.

Best of luck

Madam_X

shaz30 wrote: »

i hope i am in right place for some advice . i am a 30yrs old and i decided that i would start a course to try and get a better job for myself. starting out, everything was going great, met new friends and loved the course. when another girl (19) joined the course she was wlecomed and we all got along great. this particular girl and another from our group decided to start making mean comments about another girl in the group. stupid things like her weight, clothes, hair etc. i decided that i would tell them it was childish and i did not want to be part of what they were doing. since then they have been being nice as pie to the girl they were mocking and also no are telling other people in the class i have been talking behind their backs! and i have not!! they make loud comments about how boring i am and have been saying mean things about me to others, they whisper and laugh looking at me when im near them. another student even asked me if i was ok as they have seen what hey are doing to me. i feel so stupid for lettinng this bother me. i dread going into college now, i feel physically sck with worry. i worry how many people will end up mad at me because of what they are saying. i dont know what to do. i want to report it but i think it will make it worse. i feel like dropping out but i really love the course, i have been ignoring what they have benn saying and doing. i am not sure if i should react, i dont want to give them any satisfaction of knowing they are getting to me. this is a very childish issue i know, but it is getting me down.:mad:

What horrible wagons Shaz. Why not gather those whom you get on with and have a chat with them about what these crappy individuals are doing?

shaz30

hi madam x!
i have actually just chatted with another girl from my course and she has been great. i plan to talk to some of the group tomorrow with her help and see if i can make others aware of what is going on. im absolutely brickn it but i have to do it! i dont wan to let these girls keep making me feel miserable. wish me luck! i will update on how it goes

cdaly_

shaz30 wrote: »

i decided that i would tell them it was childish and i did not want to be part of what they were doing. since then they have been being nice as pie to the girl they were mocking and also no are telling other people in the class i have been talking behind their backs! and i have not!! they make loud comments about how boring i am and have been saying mean things about me to others, they whisper and laugh looking at me when im near them.

Sounds like a bit of patronising might be just the thing here. Greet them with "Good morning children, how are we today?". If people comment on what they've been saying, respond with "Oh, are the children misbehaving again?".

Also, try to focus on what you're getting out of the course instead of their misbehaviour.

WhiteRose90

I was bullied through out primary and secondary school. I wasn't hit though I was isolated and made to feel different/strange and that I don't fit in anywhere with anybody. Didn't help that whenever I did make 'friends', they would drop me as quickly as they came in which only reinforced this thought in my head. The amount of isolation made me depressed and I had to go on AD's after I was seriously considering ending my life at 16.

Didn't stop at the students though in secondary. My old Irish teacher asked me in front of the class was I on drugs because I didn't have homework done. I told my mam and we went after the principle but of course, they made out this teacher to be mother Thereasa. Got comments about drugs from students after that. Even my grad wasn't that great. Found out one of the girls I thought I was friend with made a fake Bebo page pretending to be me and sent nasty messages to people. Lucky for me everyone knew it was her as people knew her to be sly like that. That and the fact I was so 'down' and kept myself to myself after so many put downs from people that it would have been really out of character.

I'm 21 now and Ok for the most part. I've been through years of councelling and I'm off my AD's for nearly a year I think. I'm happy to have one true friend and my boyfriend to support me along with my family.

shaz30

hi whiterose,

im so glad to hear that u are doing well after going through all that hardship. people getting pleasure from making other people feel any sort of pain has always baffled me. i am not dealing with anything to the extent you had to deal with but it still hurts all the same. i went into college today with the intent of taking a stand, letting other people know what these girls are doing to me..i didnt do it. instead i sat in the cafeteria and ried to mind my own bsuiness and the girls decided that they wanted to sit right beside me...about 50 spare seats and they had to sit beside me and whisper n giggle. i just didnt react. i sat until they got fed up and they left. i ran over a million things i wanted to shout at them but i know i probably wont ever say it. another girl in the course has been getting facebook messages from these girls bad mouthing me. she reckons i should report them to the school. i dont wana make it worse. i jus wana learn and move on but i feelits going to keep getting worse if i dont take some sort of action

Contessa Raven

I was bullied by boys and girls in primary school. It was horrific. I was their punchbag emotionally and physically. The girls would tease and exclude me and the boys would push and kick me as well as call me names.
I came home every day from school in tears. My parents and my granny all went to the school but nothing was really done. My self esteem was really really low as a child.

When I started secondary I expected more of the same but most people were nice. When I turned 14/15 I got into rock and heavy metal and I did notice a change in people's attitudes towards me. It wasn't really bullying though. I just found people were a little more stand-offish with me and less chatty than before. Didn't affect me too much. As far as I was concerned I was there to learn and the friends I did have didn't care about who I listened to or what I wore.

I still bear some of the emotional scars from the bullying (I was also sexually abused - but that's a whole other set of problems). I'm very critical of myself and I can sometimes be very sensitive to things that the people dearest to me say but overall I'm pretty happy. Comments made to me by people I barely know just wash over me. I don't even hear them.

I do think more should be done in schools to prevent bullying. Some people are forever changed from confident and outgoing to shy and introverted people by the horrible experiences and I just think that it's so tragic. No-one should have to feel apologetic for being themselves, especially children.

Equality

I was bullied.

Not in school. In work.

The key issue is the behaviour of bystanders. If they fall into line behind the bully, it is a lost cause and you might as well leave the school/workplace. If they refuse to become involved, even just remaining neutral, you will be fine.

In my case, one manager held a meeting, the purpose of which was to attack 'someone'. I was described in detail at the meeting, but my name was not used, just the phrase 'someone'. Four of her pals then joined in, also attacking 'someone'. I was easily identifiable, and people there took it as instructions from a manager to make my life miserable. Some did, some didn't, but so many did that senior management had to transfer me to a different office in the building. Unfortunately the bullying continued, so now I am being transferred to a different county, in an effort to get me away from the bullies.

It has caused more trouble for management than that manager ever intended. It has cost the employer a small fortune, but as it is a big employer they just pay the cost. It is so wasteful at a time of recession that it annoys me, but that is life.

Ironically the bullying was partly triggered by a desire on the part of the manager to save money. She does not comprehend that bullying itself costs a fortune in terms of lost productivity.

primrose_lily

i was never bullied physically or verbally but i was bullied mentally by alot of kids at school both primary and secondary. I was a really painfully shy kid...sitting on the windowsill all by herself kind girl.
Anyway everyday at school i was made to feel invisible, like i didnt exist. Kids would walk right past me and not say a word, i was ignored when i actually had the courage to say hi to someone and i found it hard to ask teachers for help. I have this clear memory of having my hand up to ask a question (which was a big thing for me at the time) and a teacher looked right at me and walked right passed me on numerous occasions and i never did get to know how to do that math question! Probably why i dropped to pass maths after the JCert!
Ive had co-workers be really patronising to me in a couple of jobs but thankfully i gained a bit of confidence and learned how to deal with them but in saying that i still have days where i look back at the kid i used to be and it wrecks my head! I never looked up at anyone, always had my head held low...what was the point...they werent gonna see me anyway!

Its amazing how something like that can have a huge affect on your self worth and confidence. A few bruises or broken bones would have been much easier to deal with growing up!

Anyway the past is the past right, makes you a better person if you learn how to move on from it

Equality

What I hated was the sneakiness of it.

As you say, if someone punched you in the face, it would be easier to deal with.

I used to be required to stand in a particular spot, like a narrow corridor. Some people took delight in walking behind me, because it gave them a chance to elbow me in the back. You could not prove it was deliberate, so I used to be watching out of both eyes for them to approach. When I saw them coming I would reverse so that my back was to the wall, then they had to pass in front of me. I used to hold a file in front of me, using it to protect my stomach, so as to make sure they could not elbow me in the belly.

I was aware that there was no point in complaining, so I had to figure out the above method.

ennis81

Jesus I'm sickened reading some of the new stories of bullying in this thread, makes me really mad. Stay strong all of you, these people are not worth getting upset over, what the hell is wrong with them anyway??
Did anybody catch the RTE program on bullying last night? Was really sad

mariaalice

I waa very mildly bullied in primary school by one girl, but luckily it was only one girl and she went to a different secondary school where I heard years later she did the same thing so far as I can make out she she seemed to be ashamed of her background and took out her anger at this by bullying others of course as a child I never realised this the funny thing other members of her family were lovely.


Somethings happened in work years ago I can never tell if it was bullying or just clickey behaviour that made one manager exclude me.... again when she moved to different department she was accused of bulling someone so I don't know.

Equality

WhiteRose90 wrote: »

I was isolated and made to feel different/strange and that I don't fit in anywhere with anybody.

My old Irish teacher asked me in front of the class was I on drugs because I didn't have homework done. Got comments about drugs from students after that.

Found out one of the girls I thought I was friend with made a fake Bebo page pretending to be me and sent nasty messages to people.

I'm happy to have one true friend and my boyfriend to support me along with my family.

The points listed above are three of the most severe forms of bullying.

The comment from the Irish teacher is typical of how bullying operates in a small community, such as a school or a workplace. One form it takes is an attack upon your reputation, by the suggestion you are on drugs/have mental health issues/an alcoholic/from a 'bad' family... This is designed to ensure that others are reluctant to interact with you, so it also increases your sense of isolation.

The final point in your post is the key to dealing with bullying. Surround yourself with your real friends, and family, and their support protects you from the bullying.

WhiteRose90

Stupid how people how be that way Made me think of another thing. When I was diagnosed with depression, I asked one of my "friends" to cut down on all the negative comments that came out of her mouth (which was pretty much every sentence tbh) and all she was worried about was something stupid on my Bebo page. I said that wasn't my main concern right now (I thought we had it sorted after talking about it a short while before). Her reply was "Fine. Then I don't care about this" and stormed off. Haven't spoken to her or the other 3 that I thought were my friends since (we were all in the one group).

That's the reason I was alone for so long in secondary. At least for 5th/6th years there. I talked to a few people some times but I never felt like they were my friends or anything. Just making light conversation the odd time. Though most days I wouldn't speak for hours in school (unless a teacher called me in class) as there was usually no-one to talk to. No-one ever approached me though this was around the time one of the girls was sending nasty messages like I said in my first post here.

LegacyUser

I was bullied for the majority of my schooling. It was particularly bad in 4th/5th/6th of primary school during which every single day was a battle. It was one girl in particular who came to the school in 4th class and from day 1 seemed hellbent on separating me from my friends (who she wanted to be with). It really was a horrific time, during which I was abused verbally, emotionally, excluded systematically, had disgusting phone calls made to my home...the list went on.

When I went into secondary school, fortunately few girls from my primary came with me, but there was one girl in particular who took an INSTANT dislike to me in the first week of first year. She was a "queen bee" type, who verbally abused and intimidated me at every opportunity for 6 straight years (she also bullied another girl even worse than she did me, making comments about her physical appearance on a daily basis). She was utterly horrible and would make snide remarks about me/to me at every chance she got. It got to the point where I wouldn't raise my hand if she was there because I knew she'd have some "joke" to make about me.

Sometimes I contemplate whether I'll approach her if I go to the reunion, and tell her how miserable she made me...but I don't think she'd care. I've seen her on fb and such, and she seems to still be the exact same type of person. It breaks my heart that people who are so disgraceful never seem to have any repercussions. She will never know how much she affected me, and still to this day (several years later) my confidence is shot.
I don't think they will ever know

LisaLee

I was never bullied. One of my friends was bullied and I confronted the bully, my friend was too afraid to. My sister was bullied in school, apparently it got worse after I went to college but I was never told. Bullying is one thing I can't abide.

I wasn't sporty, didn't hang out with the "popular crowd", veered more on the Goth/rock side of things and into all things nerdy. By all 'rights', I should have been a prime target. But I had a good unit of friends and was able to take people on verbally to defend myself, but it was a rare occurrence.

pangolin

School bullying can take many forms. Unfortunately others will have shared similar experiences to mine. There is a type of school bullying that is rarely mentioned. My first two years at a large outer-city primary in the UK in the 70s (3 classes of 30+ kids in each year) scarred me for life. The school had a reputation for being 'rough' and I was small for my age, shy, way ahead of the rest with schoolwork and, to complete the attributes of the perfect target, didn't know how to fight back. It started with all the usual things like being pushed over, punched, clothes ripped, hair pulled, mercilessly teased and taunted, having water poured over my paintings, books scribbled on etc. But the worst was due to poor supervision during playtime. Some of the little boys, aged just 5 or 6, would strip girls naked in the toilets and sexually abuse them.

I could not understand why it was happening to me (and a couple of other girls) and came to the conclusion that it must, somehow, be my fault. Not an unusual reaction. At the age of five I hated myself and started self-harming in a minor way (so that no-one would notice) as a punishment for being that way. Feeling utterly ashamed, it took a very long time before I could tell my parents. I thought they would reject me and blame me. By then it had become unbearable. My dad took the morning off work the next day and visited the head. She claimed I must be making it all up "that sort of thing doesn't happen in my school!" They took me away from there. The new school felt like a haven by comparison.

My parents seemed to think it was best that the problem was never discussed. "It is in the past. Best not to stir things up". Perhaps the attitude of that generation. Apart from that awkwardness, I was fortunate to have a relatively stable and generally happy home background. All the same, my experiences have often come back to haunt me. Severe depression runs in our family and did affect our home life, though it was hidden from us as much as possible. My growing awareness of my own depression was therefore associated with shame and I became extremely good at hiding it. Not that 13-year-olds then were told about what depression was. I just knew there was something terribly wrong with me, fundamentally, as a person and didn't want to exist. Throughout school I was "immature", "over-emotional", a "crybaby" a "worrier" and often had difficulties with relationships with other children and understanding other people's emotions. There were happier periods where I was popular and made friends. But I was often picked on and derided by the cliques and bullies. Mainly bitchy comments - it was a girls school. I almost expected it, accepted my lowly status in the social heirarchy.

Adult life has included periods of relative normaility, popularity, achievement interspersed with debilitating periods of severe depression, hospitalisations, scary prescriptions and different kinds of therapy. I have often been the target for bullying at work and, although reasonably successful, have not achieved as much as I could have. Although my experiences with therapy have been mixed, I have found someone with whom I can work and have made huge progress. There is still a long way to go but it has been miraculous, liberating and given me an energy and freedom i never knew I had.

Roisy7

Thanks for sharing your story Pangolin. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Sending good thoughts your way