The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

chewed

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to fúck off.

Stigura

At Sunday church the local Priest explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Then, Fred Riley, who owns several car dealerships in Dublin, stands up and proclaims: " If the Holy Father stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children! "

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Biern, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands up and says, " If our Father will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children! "

More sighs and loud applause.

Mary O' Brian, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, " If the Priest stays, I will give him free sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. O' Brian, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Mary's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his face in the palm of his hand and shaking his head, while his wife replies:

" Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f**k him'."

eamonnq

Stigura wrote: »

At Sunday church the local Priest explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Then, Fred Riley, who owns several car dealerships in Dublin, stands up and proclaims: " If the Holy Father stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children! "

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Biern, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands up and says, " If our Father will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children! "

More sighs and loud applause.

Mary O' Brian, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, " If the Priest stays, I will give him free sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. O' Brian, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Mary's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his face in the palm of his hand and shaking his head, while his wife replies:

" Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f**k him'."

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

Cortina_MK_IV

eamonnq wrote: »

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

It's called Catholicism.

Michael D Not Higgins

eamonnq wrote: »

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

"Alright Len, how's the son?"

Mr. CooL ICE

I suspect...

eisenberg1

Cortina_MK_IV wrote: »

eamonnq wrote: »

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

It's called Catholicism.

Nah, can't be catholic. It doesn't sound like the priest tried to cover it up.

Stigura

eamonnq wrote: »

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

Damn. That's a bloody good point, actually. It was originally " Vicar ". I thought I'd just change it to priest because they're the more common butt.

I'm actually completely void of religion. So it never even crossed my mind that a priest wouldn't have a wife and kids.

Sorry about that. I can't be arsed to edit it now though :P

Cortina_MK_IV

Stigura wrote: »

Damn. That's a bloody good point, actually. It was originally " Vicar ". I thought I'd just change it to priest because they're the more common butt.

I'm actually completely void of religion. So it never even crossed my mind that a priest wouldn't have a wife and kids.

Sorry about that. I can't be arsed to edit it now though :P

Maybe not a wife but kids probably. I'd say there were many mixed race kids in Africa or The Philippines fathered by a priest that took his missionary position a bit too literally.

The flying mouse

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died...I'm married to his feckin widow!".

Winterlong

Schrödinger's smiley.

: ) :





*Not many will get this

coolhull

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes thewhole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!"
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. A jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the time mic and starts to sing .



"A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."

GBX

My girlfriend asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put FIFA on and played in snowy conditions.

Microdot

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!

Capt'n Midnight

Winterlong wrote: »

Schrödinger's smiley.

: ) :





*Not many will get this

:(:

StupidLikeAFox

Winterlong wrote: »

Schrödinger's smiley.

: ) :





*Not many will get this

People will both get it and not get it until you tell them the punchline

Microdot

There's a thin line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get this joke.

Microdot

Gardai in Cork have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

Comer1

coolhull wrote: »

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at tI he top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes thewhole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!"
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. A jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the time mic and starts to sing .



"A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."

Lasist!

everlast75

Cliff Richard was playing a concert in China to a jam packed crowd.

The gig was going tremendously and the fans were loving each tune.

There was a fella in the front row however that looked sad throughout. Try as he might, Cliff couldn't help but notice.

Eventually, Cliff, after belting out another classic, stops and asks the man what's wrong. He answered that he has not heard his favourite song yet. Cliff exclaims "that's no problem - what is it?". The man answers "Itchy Fanny". Cliff is a little taken aback and says "Excuse me?" The man repeats "Itchy Fanny!". Cliff says "I'm sorry but I don't have a song called that. The man looks shocked and says "You do!!". The argument goes back and forth but the Chinese man is not backing down.

Cliff thinks to himself that this must be a wind up and decides to put it up to him. "Fine" he says and hands him the mic. "Off you go - you start and we will join in.."

The man jumps up and grabs the microphone, turns around expectantly at the band and then belts out....

"Itchy Fanny - why we don't tawwwk anymore.."

byrner88

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

The flying mouse

I was at a the zoo one day where there was an elephant lying dead in the centre of the compound, with the keeper on his knees in front of the elephant sobbing his heart out,

I went over to console him, oh dear I said, were you very close,



no says the keeper... I've got to feckin' bury him.

The flying mouse

An Irishman wanted to become a Priest so went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the crap out of them!!"

dinneenp

I was playing chess with a friend recently. He said "let's make things interesting." So we stopped playing chess.

Microdot

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? YOU could be entitled to compensation! Phone the ProClaimers NOW

Microdot

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Granddad.

Oh sh*t, quick stop the funeral.

The flying mouse

My mate wished me a Merry Christmas today. A bit early but he does suffer from premature congratulations...

laugh

Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in the water?


If it sinks, girl ant.



If it floats, bouyant

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

chewed

Had to take my cat to the vet the other day.

Turned out he'd had a massive stroke.