The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

3rdDegree

Comer1 wrote: »

Did you hear about the gynaecologist who did his own home decorating?


He wallpapered the front Hall through the letterbox.

This just doesn't make any sense. I know he's a gynecologist, but why would he make life so difficult for himself? Surely if it's his own house, he'd just open the door and do his decorating from within the hall? Certainly would be much easier if you ask me.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^

i take it you drink on your own

3rdDegree

3rdDegree wrote: »

This just doesn't make any sense. I know he's a gynecologist, but why would he make life so difficult for himself? Surely if it's his own house, he'd just open the door and do his decorating from within the hall? Certainly would be much easier if you ask me.

Why would a gynaecologist redecorate the hall at all, the owner gets the painters in once a month!

chughes

Not a joke as such but a number of years ago I was in a market and I stopped at the tee-shirt stall. One tee-shirt in particular caught my attention because of its slogan. I thought about it and asked myself would I have the courage to wear it. With a heavy heart I decided that, at my age, I wouldn't get away with it. The slogan said "I'm not a gynaecologist but I'll have a look".

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

chughes wrote: »

Not a joke as such but a number of years ago I was in a market and I stopped at the tee-shirt stall. One tee-shirt in particular caught my attention because of its slogan. I thought about it and asked myself would I have the courage to wear it. With a heavy heart I decided that, at my age, I wouldn't get away with it. The slogan said "I'm not a gynaecologist but I'll have a look".

I came across a quiz team made up as midwives and they called themselves Dilated to meet you.

chughes

Ryder Greasy Vent wrote: »

I came across a quiz team made up as midwives and they called themselves Dilated to meet you.

Their colleagues could have made a second team and called themselves At Your Cervix

coolhull

If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Capt'n Midnight

How many gynaecologists does it take to wallpaper a hall ?


Only one. If you slice 'em thin enough.

Commotion Ocean

What vegetable brings tears to your eyes?

Onions?

No.

Did you ever get a belt of a turnip

Daz24

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister s blonde. She ll read it slow."

Esel

^ Joke was funnier the first time.

Notavirus.exe

I sat on my ass and did nothing all day...

...I got arrested for impersonating a Guard.

The flying mouse

What da ya call an Irishman trying to break up a fight ?





Liam Malone

The flying mouse

A doctor was asked to fill out a form, when she reached in her pocket to take out a pen she took out an anal thermometer, she then thought to her self, Some ass hole has my pen.:D:pac:

ericl

I think I masterbate too much.
Just dropped my **** sock and my mum shouted from the other room..
'i hope that wasn't one of my good plate's'.

Daz24

Donald Trump and Barack O'Bama find themselves in the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

iLikeWaffles

Daz24 wrote: »

Donald Trump and Barack O'Bama find themselves in the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

a good one! posted twice still funny.

Liamalone

The flying mouse wrote: »

What da ya call an Irishman trying to break up a fight ?





Liam Malone

Who's fighting?

MonkieSocks

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.


As soon as they enter the bakery, Donald steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to Hillary, "See how clever I am?

The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election”.

Then Hillary says to Donald,

"That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.

I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Hillary goes to the owner of the bakery and says,

"Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives her a pastry.

Hillary swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives her another one.

Then Hillary asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,

"What did you do with the pastries?"







Hillary replies "Look in Donald's pocket"

CarrickMcJoe

Donald trump and Barack Obama in the barbers.

Trump sits in the chair and says ,"I love Telly Savalas so gimme a Telly".

Barber shaves his lovely hair clean off leaving him bald as a coot ..

That'll be 10 bucks, says the barber.

Donald pays up and Obama sits down, says I'll have a Telly, to which the barber shaves off his greying afro.

"That'll be 50 bucks " says the barber.

Barack enquires ," how come you charged Trump 10 bucks and now
Your looking 50 off me?

" That's cause your a color Telly" came the reply......

Capt'n Midnight

“Poirot can reveal that ze poison, it was administered via a tiny incision in ze left buttock.”
“Arsenic?”
“Indeed Hastings.”

Capt'n Midnight

I realised my drinking was really damaging my liver when the doctor visited just to cut up my donor card.

Capt'n Midnight

I have a Dalek egg timer. After three minutes it shouts “eggs terminate”.




My son swallowed his new phone and it got stuck in his throat. Idiot. I could ring his neck.



My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.



It’s Afro Caribbean hair day at work on Monday. I’m dreading it.

9or10

A popular village postman retires and completes his round for the very last time.

At every house he calls at, his customers give him a small gift to mark the occasion. At one house the children had painted a village scene to give to the postman. At another an elderly woman gave the postman her bible as she had no one to pass it on to.

Most of the houses give the old postman a tot of whiskey.

By the time he gets to the last house he's quite emotional and not a little pizzed. Here, a young lady opens the door in her negligee, she grabs the postman by the arm, drags him upto the bedroom and makes mad passionate love to him. Afterwards she takes him downstairs and gives him the best Full Irish breakfast he has ever had. As he sips his tea he notices a € in the saucer.

By now the poor old postman is completely confused so he asks the young lady to explain.

"I told my husband you were retiring today and he said 'Fcuk him, give him a €' - the breakfast was my idea."

Capt'n Midnight

How many proof readers does it take to change a light bull?



“One Love” LOL.
Bob Marley never did get to grips with the tennis scoring system.



I call myself an ‘event organiser’ but the judge insisted on ‘pyromaniac’.

“What are you in for?”

“Running a red light.”

“They sent you to prison for that?”

“Well I also ran the brothel behind it.”







Adult Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I





The correct answer is

SPINE

Capt'n Midnight

My wife and I share the same sense of humour.

We have to, because she doesn't have one.


We got a water bed to spice up our love life & save our marriage. Didn’t work. We’ve drifted further apart.





This morning my dog looked at me and then said: 'Tell me a joke'

I replied: 'No, you don't understand human jokes'

'Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?' he complained...

Ok I said: 'knock knock'

Then he ran off shouting 'it's the door, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door!'




Been reading a book on anti-gravity.

I just can't put it down.




I could impersonate Stevie Wonder with my eyes closed.



When I inherited my father’s giant profiterole business, I had some big chouxs to fill.

Capt'n Midnight

An Englishman,
a Scotsman,
an Irishman,
a Welshman,
a Latvian,
a Turk,
a German,
an Indian,
a Moroccan,
a Frenchman,
a Dane,
several Americans (including a Hawaiian
and an Alaskan),
an Argentinean,
a Slovak,
an Australian,
an Egyptian,
a New Zealander,
a Japanese,
a Spaniard,
a Russian,
a Uzbek,
a Guatemalan,
a Colombian,
a Pakistani,
a Malaysian,
a Croatian,
a Cypriot,
a Pole,
a Lithuanian,
a Chinese,
a Sri Lankan,
a Lebanese,
a Cayman Islander,
a Ugandan,
a Vietnamese,
a Korean,
a Uruguayan,
a Czech,
an Icelander,
a Mexican,
a Finn,
a Honduran,
a Panamanian,
an Andorran,
a Venezuelan,
an Iranian,
a Fijian,
a Peruvian,
an Israeli,
an Estonian,
a Brazilian,
a Liechtensteiner,
a Moldovan,
a Syrian,
an Aruban,
a Mongolian,
a Portuguese,
a Hungarian,
a Canadian,
a Cook Islander,
a Norfolk Islander,
a Haitian,
a Macedonian,
a Bolivian,
a Georgian,
a Bahaman,
a Tajikistani,
an Armenian,
an Albanian,
a Samoan,
a Greenlander,
a Micronesian,
a Virgin Islander,
a Belarusian,
a Qatari,
a Tongan,
a Cambodian,
a Canadian,
a Cuban,
an Azerbaijani,
a Romanian,
a Chilean,
a Kyrgyzstani,
a Jamaican,
a Filipino,
a Ukrainian,
a Dutchman,
an Ecuadorian,
a Costa Rican,
a Swede,
a Serb,
a Swiss,
a Greek,
a Bulgarian,
a Belgian,
a Singaporean,
an Italian,
a Norwegian
and two
Africans walk into a fine restaurant...









"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but
you can't come in here without a Thai."

Capt'n Midnight

People who complain about testing drugs on animals should get off their high horse.

Capt'n Midnight

LITTLE POEM FOR YOU ALL



I have a little Satnav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are



I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It’s better than the normal ones

My Satnav is my wife



It gives me full instructions

Especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says

"You're doing thirty five"



It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake



It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene



It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.



I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice



It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?



Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And - keeps me warm in bed!



Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I do wish that once in a while

I could turn the damned thing off.

Hagar7

Guy goes to the doctor and says he has a problem with his knees

the doc lifts up the left trouser leg and the left knee says "geez a loan of a fiver"

then the doc lifts up the right trouser leg and the right knee says "geez a loan of a tenner"

the doc says i know your problem, you have skint knees.