The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

FHM asked The Pope which grooming products he used,he said Haribo and Smarties.

Capt'n Midnight

A bit Keats and Chapman from Flann O'Brien


When Keats and Chapman were at Greyfriars, the latter manifested a weakness for practical jokes—'practical jokes' you might call them, indeed, of the oddest kind.

One afternoon Chapman observed the headmaster quietly pacing up and down in the shade of the immemorial elms, completely submerged in Dinforf's Poetae Scenici Graeci. It was late summer, and the afternoon stood practically upright on the scorched lawns, weaving drunkenly in its own baked light. Sun-struck pigeons gasped happily in the trees, maggots chuckled dementedly in the grasses, and red ants grimly carried on their interminable transport undertakings. It was very, very hot. Chapman, however, had certain fish to fry and mere heat was not likely to deter him.

He wandered off to an old tool-shed and emerged very casually, carrying a small bucket of liquid glue. He took up an unobtrusive position near the pacing headmaster, and waited patiently for his chance. The headmaster approached, turned, and moved again slowly on his way. Instantly Chapman darted out, ran up noiselessly behind the pedagogue, and carefully emptied the bucket of glue all down the back of his coat. In a flash the young joker was back again in the shadow of the elms, carefully studying the results of his work. The headmaster continued his reading, wondering vaguely at the sound of aircraft; for the shining brown mess on the back of his coat had attracted hordes of wasps, bluebottles, gnats, newt, and every manner of dungfly. Chapman from his nook decided that the operation had been successful.

But the end was not yet. Two fifth form bullies (Snoop and Stott, as it happened) had observed the incident from the distance, and thought it would be funny to turn the tables. They approached Chapman under cover, leaped on him, gagged his mouth, and lifted the little fellow in their arms. The pacing headmaster paces on. When his back was turned, the two fifth form ruffians ran up behind him, jammed Chapman on to him back to back on the gleaming glue, and were gone before the wretched headmaster had time to realise the extraordinary facts of his situation. That a howling small buy was glued to him high up on his back did not disturb him so much as the murderous punctures of the wasps, who were now angry at being disturbed.

There was hell to pay that evening. Nobody would own up, and every boy in the school was flogged with the exception of Chapman, who was regarded at a victim of the outrage.

After Keats had received his flogging like the rest, he was asked for his opinion of the whole incident, and particularly what he thought of Chapman.

'I like a man that sticks to his principals,' was all he would vouchsafe.

jonnybegood

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example,

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

AlanS181824

Wanna hear a joke about Ebola?

It's funny but you probably won't get it!

:pac:



*....I'll grab my coat.*

Savage Tyrant

How would Hogwarts School deal with teenage pregnancy?

Foetus Deletus!

EoghanIRL

A man went to the doctor complaining of pain .
He told the doctor that when he touched his shoulder it hurt , that when he touches his face it hurt , in fact when he touched anywhere it hurt .





The doctor said it's very simple , you have a sore finger .

lego101

AlanS181824 wrote: »

Wanna hear a joke about Ebola?

It's funny but you probably won't get it!

:pac:



*....I'll grab my coat.*

A good modern joke

EoghanIRL

lego101 wrote: »

A good modern joke

Good jokes about Ebola will most likely go viral .

ChippingSodbury

What do you call an insect who goes into crowded areas and blows himself up?


A Jihadi longlegs..

boom boom!!

chughes

ChippingSodbury wrote: »

What do you call an insect who goes into crowded areas and blows himself up?


A Jihadi longlegs..

boom boom!!

Was he carrying two bombs??

rolliepoley

chughes wrote: »

Was he carrying two bombs??

Basil Brush.

ChippingSodbury

chughes wrote: »

Was he carrying two bombs??

Sorry, boom...

But the "boom boom" was meant to be spoken in an Enda Kenny accent to add to the effect rather than being a description of the event:pac:

eisenberg1

ChippingSodbury wrote: »

Sorry, boom...

But the "boom boom" was meant to be spoken in an Enda Kenny accent to add to the effect rather than being a description of the event:pac:

And it was like listening to Enda Kenny.................we heard it all before:D

Callan57

EoghanIRL

Son: Dad i am cold .
Dad: go stand in the corner .
Son: why?
Dad: the corner is 90 degrees.

EoghanIRL

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Son: Dad i am cold .
Dad: go stand in the corner .
Son: why?
Dad: the corner is 90 degrees.

Poached son!

ScummyMan

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!!"

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . ..

It's women who make it hard.

EoghanIRL

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . ..

It's women who make it hard.

My penis is like a Rubik cube , the longer you play with it the harder it gets .

rolliepoley

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.

Curly Judge

doctor has moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who is retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh

fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the

trick." As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that

woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You

noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to

pick it up, I noticed a load of orange peels, apple cores and cherry stones

in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try

that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several

minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have

the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor

told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As

they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis

is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did

you arrive at it?" I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my

stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under

the bed.

patmac

I see the guy who invented predictive text passed away
May he Rent in Place

nootroc

patmac wrote: »

I see the guy who invented predictive text passed away
May he Rent in Place

Rise if Possible

Mr Tibbs

One day Enda Kenny was being driven around by his chauffer in county Mayo, meeting and greeting all his old friends. Suddenly the driver swerved to avoid a pothole and killed a pig near a farm. Enda said to the driver, go up to the farmer and tell him what happened and offer my deepest apologies.
So off the driver went and after about two hours came back down the lane with the clothes ripped off him a big smile on his face and a cigar in his mouth. What happened said Enda. Well sir said the driver, I went up to the house and said. Hello I'm Enda Kenny's driver and I had to swerve to avoid a pothole in the road and I killed the pig. The wife gave me a big hot meal, the farmer gave me a Havana cigar and their 19 year old daughter dragged me into her bedroom ripped off my clothes and screwed the brains out of me

rolliepoley

Little Johnnys Mum announces one night that she must go and see her Sister who is in the dumps and orders Johnnys Dad to cook tea for them both and then leaves for her Sisters..

Johnnys Dad isnt happy with the prospect of cooking and little Johnny is equally unhappy with Burnt Micro Chips for tea, so Dad asks what Johnny wants from the Chippy..

J: Oh, Cod n Chips Dad..
Ok son (and off he goes...)

At the chippy, Dad places the order to be told that they have no Cod left..

Ok.. Haddock then..
Assistant: Sorry sir.. we have no Fish left apart from this Scandinavian substitute fish called Bastard Haddock.. So called because it has no real parentage
Ok.. 2 Chips and 2 Bastard Haddock then.

He leaves with supper and returns home

J: Did you get it Dad?
Yes but they didnt have any Cod son... they only had this Bastard Haddock...

J: Oh, i love it when Mums away.... Pass the f**king Vinegar..

EoghanIRL

2b or not 2b. The artists dilemma .

Capt'n Midnight

*dusts these ones*


How do you double the value of a Lada?

Fill the petrol tank.




What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.



What do you call a Lada with twin exhaust pipes?

A wheelbarrow.




A man goes into a service-station and asks "Can I have a locking petrol cap for my Lada?"

"Okay" replied the man in the garage, "it seems a fair swap".




How do you tell if your Lada is made by prisoners or ordinary underpaid Russian workers?

The car assembled by prisioners has nothing missing.

How else can you tell if your Lada was built by prisoners?

Once it leaves the factory it runs. And runs and runs...



How do two Lada drivers recognise each other?

It's easy... They already met at the garage this morning.



How do you recognise a Lada Sport?

When the driver is wearing runners.





What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?

You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.



Why do Lada's have heated rear windows ?

To keep your hands warm when pushing it.




Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.

"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man

"Why not?" asks the car dealer.

"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing

"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"

"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"

"Trouble is" said the man, "I live at ninety five!"




How many people in a Lada?

One. The other three are pushing.



What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?

A skip.

The One Doctor

rolliepoley wrote: »

Little Johnnys Mum announces one night that she must go and see her Sister who is in the dumps and orders Johnnys Dad to cook tea for them both and then leaves for her Sisters..

Johnnys Dad isnt happy with the prospect of cooking and little Johnny is equally unhappy with Burnt Micro Chips for tea, so Dad asks what Johnny wants from the Chippy..

J: Oh, Cod n Chips Dad..
Ok son (and off he goes...)

At the chippy, Dad places the order to be told that they have no Cod left..

Ok.. Haddock then..
Assistant: Sorry sir.. we have no Fish left apart from this Scandinavian substitute fish called Bastard Haddock.. So called because it has no real parentage
Ok.. 2 Chips and 2 Bastard Haddock then.

He leaves with supper and returns home

J: Did you get it Dad?
Yes but they didnt have any Cod son... they only had this Bastard Haddock...

J: Oh, i love it when Mums away.... Pass the f**king Vinegar..

I don't get it.

auldgranny

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

*dusts these ones*


How do you double the value of a Lada?

Fill the petrol tank.




What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.



What do you call a Lada with twin exhaust pipes?

A wheelbarrow.




A man goes into a service-station and asks "Can I have a locking petrol cap for my Lada?"

"Okay" replied the man in the garage, "it seems a fair swap".




How do you tell if your Lada is made by prisoners or ordinary underpaid Russian workers?

The car assembled by prisioners has nothing missing.

How else can you tell if your Lada was built by prisoners?

Once it leaves the factory it runs. And runs and runs...



How do two Lada drivers recognise each other?

It's easy... They already met at the garage this morning.



How do you recognise a Lada Sport?

When the driver is wearing runners.





What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?

You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.



Why do Lada's have heated rear windows ?

To keep your hands warm when pushing it.




Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.

"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man

"Why not?" asks the car dealer.

"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing

"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"

"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"

"Trouble is" said the man, "I live at ninety five!"




How many people in a Lada?

One. The other three are pushing.



What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?

A skip.

A Lada is now a Skoda

EoghanIRL

The One Doctor wrote: »

I don't get it.

I cri evry tim