The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

deco nate

deco nate wrote: »

Am I the only one sick and tired of these non funny jokes?!

If you think that you can do better.

Go on!

deco nate

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If you think that you can do better.

Go on!

I love the fact my girlfriend is Jewish.

At first it was hard to get her to do anal, but then I showed her all the money we are saving on condoms.


Done!

fryup

from the movie Silkwood.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSoNSVKTvGw

donegal_man

A few from the comic genius that was Gerald Wylie*

A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight. The man playing the triangle disappeared.

The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.

The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.

Latest on the bullion robbery: At Wansforth Police Station, a man who's as deaf as a post, and doesn't speak english, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries one little bit.

Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.


*Probably better known as Ronnie Barker

EoghanIRL

What do you do when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

rolliepoley

Two kids are playing football in Wythenshawe Park, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a huge rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs collar and twists it and breaks the dogs neck!
A man also in the park witnesses this and says to the kid "That was amazing! I'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, i would like to write an article about what just happened.
He starts writing a headline "United fan saves friend from dog", the kid says "I'm not a United fan".
He starts again "City fan saves friend from dog". Kid says "I'm not a City fan".
The journalist asks "Who do you support then", the kid answers "Liverpool".
The journalists starts again "Scouse bastard murders family pet in cold blood!

A drunken, totally naked, woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in
Coffs Harbour, Australia.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper,
where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself,
where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"

ohmslaw

Where did that day go?

Ted_YNWA

Up the chimney like a cloud of smoke.

fr336

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

EoghanIRL

A Joke About Kim Jong Un

[removed]

Nodster

Bought the missus a new fridge as a surprise Christmas present. Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.....

rolliepoley

It was Miss Mary's first day out of teachers college, and to find out how clever her class of Year one's were, decided to give them a spelling test.
"I'd like everyone to tell me what they had for breakfast, then spell it for me".
Little Johnny waved his hand in the air frantically,but the sweet young teacher fresh from college had been warned by the Headmaster to watch out for this young lad as he was known to swear a bit.
Jane, sitting in the front row, "Miss,I had weetbix for breakfast w-e-e-t-b-i-x".
"That's very good", said Miss Mary, "now, Peter what about you".
"Well Miss, I had toast t-o-a-s-t-"
"Well done Peter". In the meantime Little Johnny's still trying to draw attention to himself.
"Alright Johnny, what did you have for breakfast".
Johnny replied "f**k all f-u-c-k-a-l-l ."

Dumbfounded Miss Mary decided to change the subject.
"OK we will now move on to geography. Can anyone tell me where the Afghanistan border is? The whole class sat in silence - except for Little Johnny who's hand shot straight in the air.
Miss Mary anxiously looked around for another respondent but finally gave in
"Alright Johnny, where is the Afghanistan border?"
"Home in bed with Mum, - that's why I got f**k all for breakfast!!

Mr Tibbs

A fellow was getting an Indian tattooed on the ful lenght of his back when he said to the tattooist. Could you put a tomahawk in his hand please, and the artist said hold on I'm just finishing his Turban

Smidge

Nodster wrote: »

Bought the missus a new fridge as a surprise Christmas present. Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.....

Has the....
"Missus was looking for a new car for her Xmas present.
Got her a washing machine.
Can't wait to see her face when she takes it for a spin"...been done yet?

fryup

rolliepoley wrote: »

Dumbfounded Miss Mary decided to change the subject.
"OK we will now move on to geography. Can anyone tell me where the Afghanistan border is? The whole class sat in silence - except for Little Johnny who's hand shot straight in the air.
Miss Mary anxiously looked around for another respondent but finally gave in
"Alright Johnny, where is the Afghanistan border?"
"Home in bed with Mum, - that's why I got f**k all for breakfast!!

please dissect, don't quite get it

fryup

fryup wrote: »

please dissect, don't quite get it

The lodger is from Afghanistan and is being "serviced" by the mother, she is flat out (on her back) to make breakfast!
crap version of the gag :rolleyes:

pasty

What did Mrs Claus say to Santa?

'Don't go out in the rain dear'

castletownman

Told to me by a drunk uncle on Christmas night

Three Irish brothers move over to London and get wind of this particularly "accommodating" prostitute doing a roaring trade. One week one of the brothers visits her and asks her how much and she goes "£50" and he replies "god that's a bit steep. I don't have £50 on me but I have an All Ireland medal. Would you take that?" "I would", she says.

Second brother calls over the following day and enquires her price and she says "£100" and again the brother is like "I wouldn't have £100 on me but would you take an All Ireland medal?" Again, she agrees.

Anyway, the third brother eventually decides to pay her a visit a few days later and when he asks her what she's charging she goes "£200". He responds "£200? Jaysus are ya any good?"

"I don't know" she says "but I have two All Ireland medals".......

castletownman

<<<DOUBLE POST>>>

rolliepoley

A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"

The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

blade1

Taken from the 2 Ronnies,

The Paranoid Schizophrenic's Christmas Panto ended in Chaos last night when somebody in the audience shouted "He's behind You"

Capt'n Midnight

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

I really miss working at the An Post sorting office.

EoghanIRL

Some of these jokes are so last year .

Field east

Farming kerryman goes to watch kerry play in All Ireland final. Calls to see retired brother in Dalkey and who was posted overseas with the Brittish Foreign Office .

Having finished evening tea the brother gave him a tour of the house and which included showing showing him the mounted heads of some wild animals which he had shot while overseas. On the dway out to catch train home , he spots these two small white balls on the hall stand and asks 'what are they? ' . 'They are golf balls ' said the brother.
Visit repeated following year as Kerry got into the final again . On way out to catch the train home the farming brother notes that there are now 4 golf balls on the hall stand and he says ' I see that you shot another golf'

fryup

back in the days of the french revolution

paddy englishman, paddy scotsman and paddy irishman are all sentenced to death by guillotine.

paddy englishman steps up to the guillotine, lays his head down and looks up as the guillotine blade makes its way down. A millimetre before it hits his neck, it stops. Now the law of the guillotine is such that if it doesn't work the first time, you get off scot free. So up he gets up and runs away.

paddy scotsman gets up on the podium, lays his neck on the block looks up and waits quietly. The guillotine blade starts to tear its way down and then suddenly stops. can't believe his luck, he gets up and runs away, free as a bird.

finally paddy irishman, steps up onto the stand, lays his neck on the block, looks up, pauses and says to the executioner "hold on i can see whats making it stick"

bnt

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
"Some ar$ehole's got my pen!"

fr336

I fell off a 50 ft ladder yesterday....luckily I was on the bottom step.

fr336

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

the purple tin

After reading in a magazine that a lot of teenage girls go out at the weekend without any underwear on, a concerned mother calls her young daughter into the room and says
'Lucy, you always wear your knickers out don't you?'

'Yes' said Lucy 'but its not my fault...the dry riding is very hard on them you know'.