The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover

You ruined that joke. Should have been Connolly station.

livinsane

Everyone told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put the foot down.

Ken.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Anyone up for a game of Bonopoly?

It's kinda like Monopoly, but where the streets have no name...

rolliepoley

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied,

"She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

branie2

A blonde walks into a bar. you'd think she notice, wouldn't she?

rolliepoley

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

EoghanIRL

I had ebola this morning , ebola cornflakes .



(Saw it on Facebook . Cringe to the extreme :P)

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,
he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look
at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

wesleysniper38

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

Hagar7

rolliepoley wrote: »

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

I gave that joke the thumbs up,anyone know a good doctor.:(

rolliepoley

Hagar7 wrote: »

I gave that joke the thumbs up,anyone know a good doctor.:(

https://www.youtube.com/results?hl=en-IE&q=doctor%20who&gbv=2&um=1&ie=UTF-8&gl=IE&sa=N&tab=w1

branie2

Paddy and Mick saw a sign that said "tree fellers wanted"

Mick said, "sure, tis a pity there 's only two of here"

EoghanIRL

What's the difference between jam and marmalade ?

Marmalade is made from citrus fruits. Originally, marmalade was made from quinces -- the word comes from 'marmelo', which is Portuguese for quince.
Marmalade is made by boiling the juice, pulp and peel of the fruit with sugar and water.

Jam can be made from any fruit (or even vegetables in some cases) and just refers to a preserve made by boiling the fruit (or veg!) with sugar.
Marrow and rhubarb are two vegetables that are commonly made into jam.

kingchess

EoghanIRL wrote: »

What's the difference between jam and marmalade ?

Marmalade is made from citrus fruits. Originally, marmalade was made from quinces -- the word comes from 'marmelo', which is Portuguese for quince.
Marmalade is made by boiling the juice, pulp and peel of the fruit with sugar and water.

Jam can be made from any fruit (or even vegetables in some cases) and just refers to a preserve made by boiling the fruit (or veg!) with sugar.
Marrow and rhubarb are two vegetables that are commonly made into jam.

That joke is not funny--just saying,

whiskeyman

kingchess wrote: »

That joke is not funny--just saying,

It's an anti joke.

Markcheese

Funnily enough marrow is a fruit ... Still not funny though ... Cooking thread and after hours are thataway -> ->->

chughes

kingchess wrote: »

That joke is not funny--just saying,

Don't be so hard on EoghanIRL, he's just trying to preserve a level of humour on this thread......

Savage Tyrant

Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

somesoldiers

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

was that on the Latvian version of The Office?

rolliepoley

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers
and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch;Sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and
Walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

Melendez

This post has been deleted.

Wossack

Melendez wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Is trick question; potatoes. And without eat any, dog die of malnourish

TheChevron

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything"

Savage Tyrant

Wossack wrote: »

Is trick question; potatoes. And without eat any, dog die of malnourish

Also, is very cruel joke. Many man have dead son and malnourish dog. But how many man have more one potato?

MonkeyTennis

I know man. Dont think it matter for joking.

rolliepoley

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Dublin and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you 100e, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets 80e and the girls get 20e,'"she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you 100e, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get 80e and the house gets 20e."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam 100e, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"

branie2

Did you hear about the Kerry man who stopped putting his clock forward every year?

It kept falling off the mantlepiece

Sunnyisland

Woman walking down The road with her left boob hanging out, a passer by quietly say's to her " sorry Mrs but do you know your boob is hanging out" **** she reply's, I'm after leaving the baby on the bus.

Hitchens

hear about the dyslexic that was diagnosed with eloba?