The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

Liverpool Football Club's foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the UK.


Brendan Rodgers signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.


Two weeks later Liverpool are down 2-0 to Man Utd with only 10 minutes left. Rodgers gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The boy is a sensation - scores 3 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.


When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mom to tell her about his first match. "Hello mom, guess what - I played for 10 minutes today, we were 2-0 down, but I scored 3 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."


"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."


The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."


"Sorry? You're sorry? !!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

wesleysniper38

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".

Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.

---

A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

---

wesleysniper38

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".

Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.

---

A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

---

branie2

A red bull walks into a bar

The barman says, "we have a drink named after you"

TiGeR KiNgS

Has anyone else noticed that "Maddie" is an anagram of "I'm dead"?

wesleysniper38

I got a free computer today from Harvey Norman...

"My wife's got a virus and wants a new computer. "I said,

"Just buy virus software, " the assistant replied.


"Why? Will it help with Ebola? " I said. Anyway, after the place had emptied I just helped myself.

Husband's call:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.
The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, I have a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

Curly Judge

The Irish Medical Association has weighed in on the government's new health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won, thus leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Leinster House.....

__________________

Curly Judge

The Irish Medical Association has weighed in on the government's new health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won, thus leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Leinster House.....

__________________

Curly Judge

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles North of the capital.
We were stranded in a third world hell hole!
Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us, the wife stood out in her brightly coloured Sundress, as all other women were head to toe in black burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and then on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey to Afghanistan

tayto lover

You ruined that joke. Should have been Connolly station.

livinsane

Everyone told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put the foot down.

Ken.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Anyone up for a game of Bonopoly?

It's kinda like Monopoly, but where the streets have no name...

rolliepoley

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied,

"She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

branie2

A blonde walks into a bar. you'd think she notice, wouldn't she?

rolliepoley

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

EoghanIRL

I had ebola this morning , ebola cornflakes .



(Saw it on Facebook . Cringe to the extreme :P)

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,
he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look
at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

wesleysniper38

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

Hagar7

rolliepoley wrote: »

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

I gave that joke the thumbs up,anyone know a good doctor.:(

rolliepoley

Hagar7 wrote: »

I gave that joke the thumbs up,anyone know a good doctor.:(

https://www.youtube.com/results?hl=en-IE&q=doctor%20who&gbv=2&um=1&ie=UTF-8&gl=IE&sa=N&tab=w1

branie2

Paddy and Mick saw a sign that said "tree fellers wanted"

Mick said, "sure, tis a pity there 's only two of here"

EoghanIRL

What's the difference between jam and marmalade ?

Marmalade is made from citrus fruits. Originally, marmalade was made from quinces -- the word comes from 'marmelo', which is Portuguese for quince.
Marmalade is made by boiling the juice, pulp and peel of the fruit with sugar and water.

Jam can be made from any fruit (or even vegetables in some cases) and just refers to a preserve made by boiling the fruit (or veg!) with sugar.
Marrow and rhubarb are two vegetables that are commonly made into jam.

kingchess

EoghanIRL wrote: »

What's the difference between jam and marmalade ?

Marmalade is made from citrus fruits. Originally, marmalade was made from quinces -- the word comes from 'marmelo', which is Portuguese for quince.
Marmalade is made by boiling the juice, pulp and peel of the fruit with sugar and water.

Jam can be made from any fruit (or even vegetables in some cases) and just refers to a preserve made by boiling the fruit (or veg!) with sugar.
Marrow and rhubarb are two vegetables that are commonly made into jam.

That joke is not funny--just saying,

whiskeyman

kingchess wrote: »

That joke is not funny--just saying,

It's an anti joke.

Markcheese

Funnily enough marrow is a fruit ... Still not funny though ... Cooking thread and after hours are thataway -> ->->

chughes

kingchess wrote: »

That joke is not funny--just saying,

Don't be so hard on EoghanIRL, he's just trying to preserve a level of humour on this thread......

Savage Tyrant

Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

somesoldiers

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

was that on the Latvian version of The Office?