The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL

eisenberg1 wrote: »

There are bad jokes and crap jokes, and jokes that are just not funny....and that is just not funny.

This is the best joke I've ever heard . Did you come up with it all by yourself ?

EoghanIRL

People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fcuk off .
What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my husband .













An Irishman walks out of a bar.

thee glitz

Some lad walks into a bar, doesn't tell an anti-joke. Everybody is happy.

irish_goat

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still ****ing late' replied my boss.

Hitchens

'I am' is the shortest sentence in the English language................


.................... 'I do' is the longest.

Busted Flat.

Where is all the jokes gone, now we have a discussion thread by a bunch of ???. Get back to the thread.

everlast75

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded!!!!!

Must have been a jihaddy long legs...

Whats the difference between two cocks and a joke?
It doesn't look like you could take a joke .

rolliepoley

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a
Plane: "I think everyone's asleep, lets go"

"This one's empty ... No-ones looking... You go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

"This is the captain speaking, to those two people
In the rear toilet.

We know what you're doing and
It is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...

Now put those cigarettes out and take the
Condom off the smoke detector!"

Santa Cruz

EoghanIRL wrote: »

People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fcuk off .
What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my husband .

A women says to me one time "I rather not see you masturbating"
I said to her "Why did you sit beside me on the bus so"

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels and a sports car.
*******************************

Wossack

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog
Well, sit on the couch and we'll talk about it
But I'm not allowed on the couch!

Mr Tibbs

Teacher - Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend.
Little Jimmy - Yes Miss, Trudy Glen
Teacher - No Jimmy, the most popular answer would be Maid Marion.
Little Jimmy - But Miss, what about the song. Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen

jimgoose

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Teacher - Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend.
Little Jimmy - Yes Miss, Trudy Glen
Teacher - No Jimmy, the most popular answer would be Maid Marion.
Little Jimmy - But Miss, what about the song. Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen

:pac::pac::pac: Oh well-hoofed chief!! :pac:

rolliepoley

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church.

So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I had left it.

ChippingSodbury

Why did the Baker have brown hands?
He kneaded a poo

Little Johnny was in class and put up his hand: "Miss, Miss, I need to pee"
Teacher replied: "The word is urinate Johnny, so put the word urinate in a sentence properly"
Little Johnny thought for a second: "Urinate Miss, but if you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a 9"

Curly Judge

Folks- here’s some wise thoughts apparently termed ‘paraprosdokians’ by those in the know.
Not being all that great a speller, I’ll just think of them as ‘wise but funny thoughts’.



Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.



1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

ectoraige

ChippingSodbury wrote: »

Why did the Baker have brown hands?
He kneaded a poo

Pure quality, just what this thread needed.

Why don't witches wear knickers?

So they can get a better grip on the broomstick.

sgds

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a police car??..........


The pricks are on the outside of the hedgehog!!

McChubbin

I went to a really rough restaurant once.
I ordered the lamb shank and got stabbed by a sheep!

housetypeb

The old priest was sitting in the altar section of the darkened church, reflecting on his day,when a rough looking stranger came in. The stranger proceeded to quickly walk up and down each aisle of the church,obviously looking for something,before entering the confession box.
It's late,but surely I can hear one more confession,after all we're all God's children, thought the old priest,so he slowly makes his way down to the confession box, quietly sits down,pulls back the grill and asks "can I help you, my son?"
"Huh? said the stranger,sounding surprised
"Can I help you?" repeated the priest
"Yeah" replies the stranger,"You got any spare toilet paper on your side"?

Capt'n Midnight

According to serving suggestions, I'm a family of four

Curly Judge

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished
giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the
convention center where he was introduced to a
United States Marine Corps General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one
question about what I have seen in America."

The General said,

"Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called
'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian,
Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura
who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO
Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why
there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians,
Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador,
and whispered in his ear,
"That's because it takes place in the future...

Generic Dreadhead

Has "Best Joke ye ever heard" been replaced with "Any joke"?

Michael D Not Higgins

Cormac... wrote: »

Has "Best Joke ye ever heard" been replaced with "Any joke"?

I think it's now "repost reddit.com/r/jokes"

branie2

What does God have for his tea?

Angel cakes

podgemonster

What do you call a Dog no ears???

A Cúnt!

chughes

I see Phil Rudd, the drummer with ACDC, has been charged with attempting to arrange a murder. I wonder did he pay a lot of money for this or was it a dirty deed done dirt cheap......

Salvation Tambourine

I met the man who invented the window sill the other day. Ledge.

SIRREX

chughes wrote: »

I see Phil Rudd, the drummer with ACDC, has been charged with attempting to arrange a murder. I wonder did he pay a lot of money for this or was it a dirty deed done dirt cheap......

TOO SOON!



But genius