The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Ice warning - useful info



A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy condition should take:-

A Shovel,

Blankets or Sleeping Bag.

Extra Clothing including Scarf, Hat and Gloves.

A 24 hour supply of Food and Drink.

De-Icer,

5Kgs of Rock Salt.

Torch or Lantern with Spare Batteries,

Road Flares and Reflective Warning Triangles.

A Towrope,

5 litre can of petrol or diesel.

A First Aid Kit

and Jump Leads.







I looked like a complete Prat on the bus this morning!

Ted_YNWA

Would have looked a bigger one on a skating rink.

valoren

What is generally regarded as a leading cause of Pedophilia?

Sexy Children.

fryup

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Would have looked a bigger one on a skating rink.

reminds me of this irish joke.....

The Olympic skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his face. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again.
Up went the marks of the judges.

Great Britain 0.0
Germany 0.0
France 0.0
Ireland 6.0

'Why the score high score?' asked the stunned officials.
'Well,' said the irish Judge, 'You've got to make allowances. I mean it was fierce slippy out there'

everlast75

I watched a Hispanic magician the other night.

He said "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof*

And just like that...

he vanished without a tres





(from @Mr_Kapowski)

jimgoose

A gentleman of some non-specific ethnic and/or geographical persuasion decided to clear an acre of forest on his land. To this end, he went to town and bought himself a shiny-new, hefty-looking, top-of-the-range chainsaw that looked like it would demolish anything short of a Giant Redwood quare lively. Dead chuffed, he went home and set about it.

A week later he comes stomping back into the shop with the saw under his oxter, puts it on the counter and announces to the shopkeeper, "This chainsaw is crap!!". "What?", says the shopkeeper, "What's wrong with it?". "It doesn't work properly!", says our hero. "You told me I'd be able to fell twenty or so trees a day with this. I've been working my hole off for the last week and the most I've managed is five. Like I said, it's crap and I want my money back!!".

"That's strange, give it here!", says the shopkeeper, as he takes the saw, flips various switches and safety interlocks, gives it a pull and starts it. The machine yowls into life in the usual manner, chain whizzing like a good 'un. The erstwhile lumberjack starts back slightly, looks around and says, "What's that noise??"

everdead.ie

jimgoose wrote: »

A gentleman of some non-specific ethnic and/or geographical persuasion decided to clear an acre of forest on his land. To this end, he went to town and bought himself a shiny-new, hefty-looking, top-of-the-range chainsaw that looked like it would demolish anything short of a Giant Redwood quare lively. Dead chuffed, he went home and set about it.

A week later he comes stomping back into the shop with the saw under his oxter, puts it on the counter and announces to the shopkeeper, "This chainsaw is crap!!". "What?", says the shopkeeper, "What's wrong with it?". "It doesn't work properly!", says our hero. "You told me I'd be able to fell twenty or so trees a day with this. I've been working my hole off for the last week and the most I've managed is five. Like I said, it's crap and I want my money back!!".

"That's strange, give it here!", says the shopkeeper, as he takes the saw, flips various switches and safety interlocks, gives it a pull and starts it. The machine yowls into life in the usual manner, chain whizzing like a good 'un. The erstwhile lumberjack starts back slightly, looks around and says, "What's that noise??"

What ruins this post for me is

A gentleman of some non-specific ethnic and/or geographical persuasion decided to clear an acre of forest on his land.

Seriously way too PC should just say
A man decided to clear an acre of forest on his land.

/off topic

jimgoose

everdead.ie wrote: »

What ruins this post for me is

Seriously way too PC should just say
A man decided to clear an acre of forest on his land.

/off topic

It's a Kerryman joke, and it doesn't quite work unless you pick on some particular group. It'd be like telling the "Drivin' Me Nuts" joke without the highly stereotypical Australian accent. I'm being ironic in a Post-Modern sort of way, you see. :pac:

tayto lover

everdead.ie wrote: »

What ruins this post for me is

Seriously way too PC should just say
A man decided to clear an acre of forest on his land.

/off topic

Or just a Kerryman :pac:

Wossack

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

nootroc

everdead.ie wrote: »

What ruins this post for me is

Seriously way too PC should just say
A man decided to clear an acre of forest on his land.

/off topic

A person decided to........................

Capt'n Midnight

Some names for Lucinda Creighton’s new party.


Cumann na mBland

BLUEKIP

Provisional Fine Gael

Nick the slasher Mcgurk

What do you call an artist with brown fingers ?


Picasso

rolliepoley

I just bought my epileptic mate a strobe light for his birthday, he is gonna have a fit when he sees it!

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Some names for Lucinda Creighton’s new party.


Cumann na mBland

BLUEKIP

Provisional Fine Gael

Considering the "#Rebooted" banner, perhaps they should call themselves Control-alt-delete! :pac:

gladrags

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Considering the "#Rebooted" banner, perhaps they should call themselves Control-alt-delete! :pac:

Up

rolliepoley

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

castletownman

Looks like Oldham are going to say no to Ched Evans.

Which he will probably take as a yes.

CUCINA

I rang Seaworld the other day to enquire about opening times. Got a recorded message:
"CALLS MAY BE RECORDED FOR TRAINING PURPOISES"!

Capt'n Midnight

Today, January 6th, Christians around the world celebrate Little Christmas.

Which is of course the day Midget Jesus was born.

funtime93

1)Its easy to mix up the paralympics and the special olympics. Best way to remember is that the special olympics is the one where they're "all winners".Although you try telling that to the bookies when you're little fella finishes 7th.

2)I see Peter Andre and Jordan are battling over custody of Harvey except eventually one of them will lose and have to keep him.

3)Police officers found evidence in the Oscar Pistorius case acquitting him of the murder. Footprints.

4)Pistorius sounds like a spell Harry Potter would cast to make you're legs fall off.

5)I recently bought some viagra. On the box it said keep away from children.I thought to myself what kind of man do they think i am.....................that can't maintain an erection around a child.

Field east

A university brain research dept wanted to replenish its stock of brains and went to an agency dealing with this matter. As the potential purchaser went through the stock stored in jars on the shelves , he enquired about the cost of the various specimens. The specimen from a Corkonian was priced at € 150. That sourced in Donegal was priced at €750 and the one from Kerry was fixed at €1500. On enquiring as to why the Kerry specimen was so expensive , he was told it was because it was very little used

eisenberg1

funtime93 wrote: »

1)Its easy to mix up the paralympics and the special olympics. Best way to remember is that the special olympics is the one where they're "all winners".Although you try telling that to the bookies when you're little fella finishes 7th.

2)I see Peter Andre and Jordan are battling over custody of Harvey except eventually one of them will lose and have to keep him.

3)Police officers found evidence in the Oscar Pistorius case acquitting him of the murder. Footprints.

4)Pistorius sounds like a spell Harry Potter would cast to make you're legs fall off.

5)I recently bought some viagra. On the box it said keep away from children.I thought to myself what kind of man do they think i am.....................that can't maintain an erection around a child.

I would hate to hear the worst jokes you ever heard.

rolliepoley

A very tall guy is in the boozer. As he's been drinking quite a bit, it's time to visit the loo. He starts peeing into the urinal and suddenly looks down to see a midget looking up at him, winking and blinking. He carries on peeing. Looks down again and the midget is still looking up at him winking and blinking. "What you looking at, are you queer or summit?". "No" says the midget, "You're splashing my face"

Luigi walks to work everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.


He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, €300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new €300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'



Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new €300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please,please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....

I thought I had a crack in my
€300 Armani leather shoes...!

CUCINA

"Son, you'll really have to give up this business of stealing gadgets from that kitchen accessory shop down the road...you could get into serious trouble if you're caught."

"Well, Dad, I suppose that's a whisk I'll have to take..."

Capt'n Midnight

CUCINA wrote: »

"Son, you'll really have to give up this business of stealing gadgets from that kitchen accessory shop down the road...you could get into serious trouble if you're caught."

"Well, Dad, I suppose that's a whisk I'll have to take..."

if you egg him on he'll get beaten

chewed

What's the smelliest thing in the world?

A fish's gee!

tfitzgerald

chewed wrote: »

What's the smelliest thing in the world?

A fish's gee!

What's the most annoying thing in the world?

Looking at jokes on your phone that have spoilers attached!

h3000

tfitzgerald wrote: »

What's the most annoying thing in the world?

Looking at jokes on your phone that have spoilers attached!

Trust me, you're better off in this instance.