The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

h3000

FANTAPANTS wrote: »

MR Byrnes son was a little scum bag and his father organised a new job with the local butcher Mr Burgees
A few weeks passed and 1 morning his son wasnt at work.... got the sack... and his da went mental. Mr Byrnes went down to visit Mr Burgees to see what the son had done.. he asked why he was fired and mr burgees said he found his son out the back with his mickey stuck in the sausage maker!!!!!! Stunned his Mr Byrnes asked could he go out the backed and have a look at this sausage maker and the butcher replied "Sorry i cant....i had to fire him as well"

sorry if this was posted before

FANTAPANTS wrote: »

MR Byrnes son was a little scum bag and his father organised a new job with the local butcher Mr Burgees
A few weeks passed and 1 morning his son wasnt at work.... got the sack... and his da went mental. Mr Byrnes went down to visit Mr Burgees to see what the son had done.. he asked why he was fired and mr burgees said he found his son out the back with his mickey stuck in the sausage maker!!!!!! Stunned his Mr Byrnes asked could he go out the backed and have a look at this sausage maker and the butcher replied "Sorry i cant....i had to fire him as well"

sorry if this was posted before

I lolled at the double post.

FANTAPANTS

h3000 wrote: »

I lolled at the double post.

double click i love it

EoghanIRL

An angry drill instructor yells at a new recruit .
He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.
He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not ****ing wait in line for anything! Sir."

rolliepoley

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."

Maphisto

A woman and a man are in the back of his van doing the dirty.
Part way through the woman shouts out "Whip me fat boy, whip me"
The man is a little shocked. In anycase he has no whips - not really his thing.
Then a thought comes to him.
He brakes off the van's aerial and starts cracking it across the woman's ass.

A few days go by and the woman has very sore welts on her ass which are not healing.
She is very embarrassed but has to go to the Doctor.
The first thing the Doctor (an old family friend) says "You got these having sex"
The woman is mortified "What makes you say that?" she stammers.

"This is the worse case of Van Aerial Disease, I have ever seen" he says.

Hitchens

Is a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray attacks a seasoned veteran?

Capt'n Midnight

Hitchens wrote: »

Is a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray attacks a seasoned veteran?

was he assaulted ?

rolliepoley

Banks, a pickpocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Mr Banks, you are hereby fined £100."

His lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, my lord. My client only has £75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

jonnybegood

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Theden he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

jonnybegood

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning roll out of bed,
and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it!
We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

******************

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off.

********************

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too.
My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her.
She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

*****************

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home,
admiring her new car, reading the manual."

*******************

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the bum this morning and said, 'Well babe,
Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course ??'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.
SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink.
Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I'll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.

Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.

A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.

Is that so?
With a bit of an attitude he said, and how may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!

FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION

EoghanIRL

Nothing tears a family apart like a pack of wild dogs . Mitch quote

GBX

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the
quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

Maphisto

Bob goes out drinking with his mates.
He has a skinful.
He is slewtered.
Somehow he gets home and his wife puts him to bed.
But he has had so much alcohol that he dies in his sleep.

Standing in front of St Peter, Bob says
"I shouldn't be here, I'm not old"
St Peter did not expect to see Bob
"St Peter I have to get back to my family. I have to see my wife and daughter again.
St Peter thinks for a good while
"This is very unusual, but there is a Chicken farm near where you used to live. You could go there."
"Is that all you can do?"
"I'm afraid so. Take it or leave it" Says St Peter.
"OK then" Bob is down-hearted "I have to see my daughter again.

The next thing Bob is surrounded by chickens, he's covered in feathers, and he no longer has hands and arms, but wings.
How will he hold his daughter. A tear starts to form in Bob's eye.
Then a huge bird struts over to Bob.
"You the new hen?" The Rooster says.
"Yes I suppose I am." Stammers Bob
"Well don't worry about it, just peck around like the other girls."
"But this pain in my guts" says Bob.
"Ah, you're ovulating. Just breathe easy and go with it."

The pain in Bob's guts starts to get much worse, forcing him to crouch near the ground.
All of a sudden Bob lays an egg.
Instantly Bob forgets his sadness, he is full of maternal pride and joy over what he has created.
The pain in Bob's guts starts to build again, but this time he knows what it is.
He is ready for it this time
He lays another egg and another.
Bob is beaming with pride and maternal love all the other girls come over to look.

All of a sudden Bob gets a crack on the back of his neck.

His wife shouts "Bob wake up, you b4stard, you're $hitting the bed

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax player!

high Urinals


A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.

woof im a dog

What was the first thing Buzz Aldrin said to Neil Armstrong as they're walking on the surface of the moon?

"Neil there's no way, there's absolutely no way a cow jumped over this!"

byrner88

A man goes into the confessional box.

He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars.

On the seat is the latest copy of Playboy.

Finally, the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the wrong side."

Curly Judge

COMPLETE and FINISHED

No English dictionary adequately explains the difference between these two words... In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes. The final question was:.. How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. He replied “Some people say there is little difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, ….. but when you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and unfortunately should the right one catch you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!”.

kingchess

priest saw a rough looking young man come in his church one day and so he kept his eye on him,the young man was walking up and down the church looking everywhere and seemed very anxious about something. the priest was very worried that the young man was going to rob him and steal the wine and God knows what else he might do-when suddenly,the young man hurried into the confession box, the priest was delighted and after a few minutes he went into his box to hear the confession(and giving out to himself for thinking the worst about a fellow human being). he opened the grill-silence-he gave a little cough-still silence-so finally to break the silence the priest said"can I help you with anything?" and the answer came back "yes-is there any fuucking toilet paper in your stall??"

padma

Have you heard the one about the racist who choked on Yogurt? He found out there was a foreign culture in it

pablo128

I call all Northsiders 'Batman'.















'Cos they can't go into a shop without Robbin!

chughes

What's the difference between Northside girls and Southside girls?


Northside girls have fake furs and real orgasms.

Quote from a Sunday school teacher.

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv got tae be fúckin' dead"

EoghanIRL

Hmm. Not sure if repost:

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

Sam Kade

Some real stooopid jokes on here:mad:
I suppose no one will find this funny:(
A woman was looking at her self in the mirror one morning while her husband was still in bed , and she was looking at her breasts and said she would have always liked them a bit bigger but that she wouldn't like going under the knife,

Her husband said " why dont you try rubbing toilet paper in between them every day that will make them bigger"

" who told you that she said or did you just maKe it up " she said.

" well it worked on your arse" says the husband

fleet_admiral

pablo128 wrote: »

I call all Northsiders 'Batman'.



'Cos they can't go into a shop without Robbin!

what about tallaght, ballyfermot, crumlin, drimnagh, clondalkin, bluebell, inchicore, ringsend, shankill, ballybrack, kilcross, moreen, mounttown, dun laoghaire, sallynoggin, nutgrove, rialto and dolphins barn to name a few that are all southside?

pablo128

fleet_admiral wrote: »

what about tallaght, ballyfermot, crumlin, drimnagh, clondalkin, bluebell, inchicore, ringsend, shankill, ballybrack, kilcross, moreen, mounttown, dun laoghaire, sallynoggin, nutgrove, rialto and dolphins barn to name a few that are all southside?

Yeah, well maybe I have a different name for respectable folksouthsiders.

I'd say you're a right bundle of laughs on an auld session.

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section :
This bloke deserved to receive a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."


When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
while he was licking his arse!"