The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Curly Judge

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
Chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Hermy

We'll have to do something about the echo in here.

Don't use quick reply, it sometimes double posts.

Don't use quick reply, it sometimes double posts.
(well more often than not!)

Capt'n Midnight

Why was the hen in the house ?

She heard some men were coming to lay a carpet and wanted to see how they could do that.

ltdslipdiff

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your micky up some young one's arse!

EoghanIRL

I just invented a new word:

plagiarism.

rolliepoley

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?

"Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down, and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?"

Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee." "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...""Listen lady, I am 67 years old. I get a hard-on once a month---but I fart 15 times a day!"

Hermy

Why is there no Disprin in the jungle?

Cause the parrots ate them all.

dilallio

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I just invented a new word:

plagiarism.

And there's one word you won't find in any English Dictionary...

Gullible

jonnybegood

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'What In the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm forty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed
bedroom door. Upon entering the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love
to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm forty-five, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip; placed the groceries on the kitchen
table, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered the
room and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my 'son-in-law.'

Jeefff

I was on the Luas the other evening, I was sitting on a newspaper, some fella came over and asked ''are you reading that?''
Well I didn't know what to say really, but I said ''yes I am''
I stood up, turned the page and sat back down again

'The Price Of Gas In France '

A thief in Paris planned to steal some
Paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security,
Stole the paintings, and made it safely to his
Van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied,
'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send This on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured
I had nothing Toulouse .

tayto lover

Deleted User wrote: »

'The Price Of Gas In France '

A thief in Paris planned to steal some
Paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security,
Stole the paintings, and made it safely to his
Van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied,
'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send This on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured
I had nothing Toulouse .

He must have been In Seine.

murray.eoghan

roses are g*y
violates are g*yer
fcuk this poem and listen to slayer :P

Busted Flat.

Woman in her late sixties goes to see her GP, she ask him is there any way for her to prolong her life. GP well I have a few questions for you before I can answer that.

GP are you married.
No she replied
Have you ever had sex.
No she replied
Do you drink
No she replied.
Did you ever go on a foreign holiday or traveled anywhere.
No she replied
Then why do you want to even live.

rolliepoley

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.



By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Maphisto

A man goes off for a weekend fishing.
The weather is awful and he catches nothing - not even a nimble.
So he texts his wife to say he'll be back early.

When he arrives home he finds his wife in bed with his best friend.
He storms out of the house and bumps into his mother-in-law.
"What on Earth is the matter?" She says
"I have just caught my wife. your darling daughter in bed with my best friend. It's over. I'm leaving."
"Look." She says "There must be a perfectly reasonable explanation. You wait there and I'll go and check."

A short while later she returns "I told you there'd be a reasonable explanation

- she never got your text."

EoghanIRL

My sister asked me to take off her clothes .
So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again.

Curly Judge

On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.


"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME!

I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

jonnybegood

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Maphisto

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight and, being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know, she said. "I'm his Grandma,but I'm glad I came."

Maphisto

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"


"Yes, I'm sorry," The man replies and promises to avert his eyes.


"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."


Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.


The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.


"I can also make it wink," says the woman.


He stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.


"Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman, patting the seat.


He moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"


He replies, "You’re kidding me - you mean it can feckin whistle too?”

rolliepoley

Jock goes to Canada on holidays and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
The next batter hits a single. Jock listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN" Jock is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:"Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
Jock stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy f**ker, rrrun!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, Jock sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
"He can't run -- he's got four balls."
Jock stands up and screams:
"Walk with pride, Laddie!"

everlast75

I went to a feminist picnic the other day.

It was great, apart from the fact that no one made any sandwiches.

jonnybegood

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a Cannon ball,
but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into
a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
Flew over. I looked up, and one of them sh1t in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh1t"


"It was my first day with the hook."

irish_goat

I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you **** last night."

"Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Ever what?" she replied.

"You know..." I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied.

I said, "Don't you ever shut the **** up?"

chughes

I'm thinking of a career change and I fancy being a geologist.


Apparently, its one of the very few professions where its socially acceptable to measure a dyke's cleavage.

Ted_YNWA

chughes wrote: »

I'm thinking of a career change and I fancy being a geologist.


Apparently, its one of the very few professions where its socially acceptable to measure a dyke's cleavage.

you like getting your rocks off then ...

Rory Gallagher

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to the party?

He was a party pooper.

What is worse than a hole in yer apple?

The Holocaust

What is worse than the holocaust?

Women's rights