The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

How do you identify a bald eagle?



















All his feathers are combed over to one side.

david75

say what you like about paedophiles, at least they drive slowly around schoolyards and playgrounds

david75

roses are black
violets are black
im helen keller
everything is black

david75

why do black people only have nightmares?

cos the last one that had a dream, got shot

david75

how many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?

none

david75

whats helen kellers favourite colour?

velcro

david75

whats the difference between jews and boyscouts?

boyscouts come back from camp

Gloomtastic!

^ Ever heard of political correctness David75? Where have you been the last twenty years?

ectoraige

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

^ Ever heard of political correctness David75? Where have you been the last twenty years?

I don't get it.

Meanwhile...

What's big, green, and eats bicycles?

A big, green, bicycle-eater.


What's big, green, and eats chains?

A big, green, bicycle-eater on a diet.


What's big, green, and eats lettuce?

A big, green, bicycle-eater turned vegetarian.

mr bungle.

david75 wrote: »

whats the difference between jews and boyscouts?

boyscouts come back from camp

Jim Davidson wants his joke book back!

rolliepoley

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war.

The librarian replies, "No Sir, you'll lose it."

Definition of cruelty!
Going into a blind person's house and rearranging their furniture.

Pocoyo

I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"

rolliepoley

A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll screw her again!!!"

Menas

Insomniacs- look on the bright side. Only three sleeps til Christmas.

jamo2oo9

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the gas bill

Capt'n Midnight

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again, “with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. ."What on earth would they want with a plasterer??"

dilallio

Another duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Got any grapes?"

The bartender says "No, I don't have any grapes."

The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender,
"Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck,
"No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender
"Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

FanadMan

dilallio wrote: »

Another duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Got any grapes?"

The bartender says "No, I don't have any grapes."

The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender,
"Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck,
"No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender
"Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

Near enough the same thing in song

http://youtu.be/MtN1YnoL46Q

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed.
The offender had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can't believe he fúcked my wife after only five cans!”
____________________________________________________

"My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
____________________________________________________

I was shagging this Sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Year’s Day, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching this bloke at a party.
In my defence... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I shagged a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
____________________________________________________

My wife is pissed off with me again.
I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. She has no sense of humour.

---

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says. “If any of you are Paedophiles, you can fúck off down to HELL”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out.
“And take this deaf bastard with you”.

---

The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse”.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

---

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.

---

The wife came out of the bathroom and said: “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you”?
I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again”!

---

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. I picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman, smelled like a woman, danced like a woman, even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Hang about”!

EoghanIRL

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and **** right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the gardaí, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”


Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

Hitchens

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender tells him "we don't serve string in here."



The piece of string walks out of the bar, ties himself into a knot, messes up his coif and walks back in.



The bartender spots the string and angrily asks, "Didn't I tell you we don't serve string in here?", to which the string replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot"

M5

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have quietly Cancelled Marouane Fellaini's Birthday Celebrations and crossed their fingers..

Curly Judge

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse

You have just been e-mooned!

You forgot the smacked arse (●!●) :P

ohmslaw

The person who invented selfies should take a long hard look at themselves.

Tail Docker

Curly Judge wrote: »

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse

You have just been e-mooned!

You just went viral. Better tell the lad you robbed the idea off..

Aquagakka

My wife found out that our dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the checkout, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well then, stay off your bike for about a week."

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."



"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"


"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!