The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

david75

whats this?


a dead one of them



whats this?


one of them with no friends

FanadMan

david75 wrote: »

whats this?


a dead one of them



whats this?


one of them with no friends

I've looked and looked and can't figure out what the hell this is all about....

Capt'n Midnight

david75 wrote: »

whats this?


A herd of these

FYP

AlanS181824

david75 wrote: »

whats this?


a dead one of them



whats this?


one of them with no friends

I'm so confused....

Capt'n Midnight

AlanS181824 wrote: »

I'm so confused....

It's a visual joke, gifs would be better

yellowlabrador

don't open I got a warning in my gmail notification

esox28

yellowlabrador wrote: »

don't open I got a warning in my gmail notification

Pointing the finger of blame
http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w98/dimejinky99/2014-05/27EE93C6-0EC6-4F43-ABBB-55717D0740C7.jpg

rolliepoley

Whats this?

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w98/dimejinky99/2014-05/C77B01D1-EDEA-4F89-B3AB-1FD373511C4A.jpg

Another one of these.

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w98/dimejinky99/2014-05/C77B01D1-EDEA-4F89-B3AB-1FD373511C4A.jpg


:P

rolliepoley

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.

Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten!"

fearrua

This one is from The Sopranos, hopefully it hasn't been posted already.

A rich man and a poor man, who share the same wedding anniversary, meet on the same street corner every year while shopping for their wives' anniversary gifts.

The poor man asks the rich man what he bought this year for his wife. The rich man says, "I got her a diamond ring and a BMW. If she doesn't like the ring she can drive it back to the jewelry store in the car."

The rich man asks the poor man what he bought for his wife this year. The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of fuzzy slippers and a dildo. This way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

oranbhoy67

david75 wrote: »

whats this?


a dead one of them



whats this?


one of them with no friends

esox28 wrote: »

Pointing the finger of blame
http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w98/dimejinky99/2014-05/27EE93C6-0EC6-4F43-ABBB-55717D0740C7.jpg

rolliepoley wrote: »

Whats this?

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w98/dimejinky99/2014-05/C77B01D1-EDEA-4F89-B3AB-1FD373511C4A.jpg

Another one of these.

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w98/dimejinky99/2014-05/C77B01D1-EDEA-4F89-B3AB-1FD373511C4A.jpg


:P

This is what i think of these "jokes"



http://news.ktab.co.uk/passenger018/fighters.jpg

steddyeddy

For the love of Christ could people stop with the hands jokes :S

jonnybegood

MALE VS. FEMALE LOGIC.
Woman:
Do you drink Guinness?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $9.00

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a Guinness costs $9 and you have 3 a day which puts your spending each month at $810.
In one year, it would be approximately $9855 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $9855, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $197,100, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much Guinness, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink Guinness?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shít out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

jonnybegood

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"



Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"



Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down againtomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"



"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert."

rolliepoley

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!

He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".

rolliepoley

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are...
The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer...

The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive...

The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took 8 dozen condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis.

rolliepoley

After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have determined that the human penis may be classified according to one of five basic size groups: small, medium, large, "Oh my God!" and "Does that come in white?"

Capt'n Midnight

rolliepoley wrote: »

After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have determined that the human penis may be classified according to one of three basic size groups: small, medium, liar"

fyp

EoghanIRL

Virgin galactic cleared for takeoff .
Tickets only 250k.
What an out of this world deal.
Definitely a stellar opportunity .
I mean how would you even planet?

Capt'n Midnight

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Virgin galactic cleared for takeoff .
Tickets only 250k.

Book now and get a free parachute, no strings attached.

jonnybegood

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns..With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’

rolliepoley

Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !

EoghanIRL

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Book now and get a free parachute, no strings attached.

I'm a frayed knot.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is". Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

maguic24

What do you call a steamrolled batman and Robin?

Flatman and ribbon.

A silly joke but I think its a hilarious. :P

Capt'n Midnight

Just bought some barbecue flavoured crisps,

They taste just like bricks and wire mesh.




Those scientists proclaiming graphene to be the thinnest black material ever developed have obviously never bought Tesco extra value bin liners.




UKIP leader Nigel Farage has said his party is making enormous steps towards government.

An unknown Polish company based in London has just been given the contract to build them.




I always wish that I had spent more time with Grandad.
Instead of going out playing football with my mates I should have spent some quality time visiting him and listening to him reminisce about the old days.
Instead of spending hours playing on my computer I could have gone to the shop for him, bought his favourite newspaper and brought him back some sweets.

Sadly, last month, he won the lottery and disappeared off to Spain without giving us anything.




I'm gutted Malcolm Glazer is dead, I used to love Starsky & Hutch.

jonnybegood

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk; suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

rolliepoley

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.

They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.

The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."

"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."

Curly Judge

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
Chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.