The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Coriolanus

cosantoir1 wrote: »

Whats the difference between pink and purple?

My Grip

Alternate answer: A nippleclamp. :pac:

nosey rosie

Did you hear the one about the Irishman?
No, neither did I.

Allright, its not that funny, but its my favourite. I'm scarred by Jim Davidson anti- Irish jokes, being born in the 70's

major bill

Two dinosaurs walked on the beach right up to the waters edge looking at the boat sailing off in the distance.

One said, "Fcuk off then Noah, you cnut."

pipelaser

What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?

An Erection

Mr. Presentable

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-31749_162-20032851-10391698.html#addcomm


Hahahahahahaha

ynul31f47k6b59

What's the mating call of a Blackbird?

Come on Leroy, ram it up my arse!

Woman sends knickers to the laundrette but they still come back stained. She sends note "use more soap on your clothes". Man sends back note:

"use more paper on your arse"

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim. She says,

"Father, will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

Debthree

hondasam wrote: »

"I think I got a ****in' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch

That reminds me of the poor kid who asked Santy for an Action Man. Christmas morning game and he tore open his gift only to find an empty Action Man box inside.

He said to his Dad "Santy didn't give me an Action Man".

The Dad replies "yes he did. He gave some boys the Sailor Action Man, some the Sniper Action Man, some the Parachute Action Man and you got the AWOL Action Man".

Debthree

Thomas_S_Hunterson wrote: »

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse doesn't respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand english. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.

Seriously I'm on the floor here.

Scartbeg

Little boy has spent the day at the zoo with his mother.
"And what did you see?" asks the father.
"An elephant", says the boy, "and it had a big grey thing hanging down"
"It's trunk?" asks dad
"No" replies the boy
"It's tail then?" asks dad hopefully
"No, anyway mummy said it was nothing"

"Ah, but your mother has been spoiled son!"

Unpossible

Ok, edited slightly so it won't offend:

A small 5' man walks into a bar one day, hops up onto a bar stool and orders a double whiskey. After the bar man puts it infront of him, he turns and shouts;
"is there anyone in this bar who thinks they can take me"
from the back of the bar a big scobe shouts "I can, I'll wipe the floor with ya"
"right" replies the small man, he slams the whiskey back, runs along the bar and jumps catching the scobe by the head and bringing him to the ground he proceeds to beat seven shades of s**t out of him destroying several tables and chairs in the process. Afterwards he simply re-arranges his jacket and walks out.
The next day the man is back, again he hops up onto a bar stool and orders a triple whiskey. After the barman puts it on the counter he again turns and shouts:
"right, is there any smart f****r here today who thinks they can take me on"
A giant of a man nearby shouts "sure, I'll beat ya no problem".
"right" says the small man and no sooner had he slammed back the whiskey, then he had jumped to the ground and smashed the chair into the giant, again with the giant on the ground he proceeded to beat the s**t out of him causing even greater damage to the bar. When finished, he re-arranged his clothes and walked out.
At this point the barman was worried, appart from the physical damage his customers were being driven away. So he calls up his friend in the zoo and asks for help. His friend offers to lend him a gorilla reassuring him that the gorilla would give someone a beating, but not kill them, not intentionally anyway.
The barman is delighted and when they get the gorilla to the bar it is carefully led to a toilet cubicle and locked in.
Later the small man once again comes into the bar, hops up on the barstool and this time orders 4 shots of whiskey in one glass. Again before drinking it he turns and issues his challenge:
"Is there anyone in here, thinks he can take me on"
Silence falls on the bar and everyone is avoiding his gaze.
"actually" says the barman, "there is a guy here who was boasting to us earlier that he'd hammer you if you showed your face in here today".
Enraged the man asks "where is he, where is the f****r?". "In the jacks" the barman casually replies. The man slams back the whiskey and runs into the toilets. Loud screams are heard, the stalls sound as if they are being pulled apart and sinks are being smashed, after 20 minutes of this the barman is getting worried, then, quiet. The barman starts panicing, the gorilla must have killed him.
The man stumbles out of the toilets, covered in blood, bruises and scratchs, clothes in tatters. As he passes the barman he says
"When he wakes up tell the ****** that his fur coat is in the toilet"

Buceph

Unpossible wrote: »

Ok, edited slightly so it won't offend:

A small 5' man walks into a bar one day, hops up onto a bar stool and orders a double whiskey. After the bar man puts it infront of him, he turns and shouts;
"is there anyone in this bar who thinks they can take me"
from the back of the bar a big scobe shouts "I can, I'll wipe the floor with ya"
"right" replies the small man, he slams the whiskey back, runs along the bar and jumps catching the scobe by the head and bringing him to the ground he proceeds to beat seven shades of s**t out of him destroying several tables and chairs in the process. Afterwards he simply re-arranges his jacket and walks out.
The next day the man is back, again he hops up onto a bar stool and orders a triple whiskey. After the barman puts it on the counter he again turns and shouts:
"right, is there any smart f****r here today who thinks they can take me on"
A giant of a man nearby shouts "sure, I'll beat ya no problem".
"right" says the small man and no sooner had he slammed back the whiskey, then he had jumped to the ground and smashed the chair into the giant, again with the giant on the ground he proceeded to beat the s**t out of him causing even greater damage to the bar. When finished, he re-arranged his clothes and walked out.
At this point the barman was worried, appart from the physical damage his customers were being driven away. So he calls up his friend in the zoo and asks for help. His friend offers to lend him a gorilla reassuring him that the gorilla would give someone a beating, but not kill them, not intentionally anyway.
The barman is delighted and when they get the gorilla to the bar it is carefully led to a toilet cubicle and locked in.
Later the small man once again comes into the bar, hops up on the barstool and this time orders 4 shots of whiskey in one glass. Again before drinking it he turns and issues his challenge:
"Is there anyone in here, thinks he can take me on"
Silence falls on the bar and everyone is avoiding his gaze.
"actually" says the barman, "there is a guy here who was boasting to us earlier that he'd hammer you if you showed your face in here today".
Enraged the man asks "where is he, where is the f****r?". "In the jacks" the barman casually replies. The man slams back the whiskey and runs into the toilets. Loud screams are heard, the stalls sound as if they are being pulled apart and sinks are being smashed, after 20 minutes of this the barman is getting worried, then, quiet. The barman starts panicing, the gorilla must have killed him.
The man stumbles out of the toilets, covered in blood, bruises and scratchs, clothes in tatters. As he passes the barman he says
"When he wakes up tell the n-word* that his fur coat is in the toilet"


*yeah, you know what word I mean

That might have had some semblance of funny if it wasn't for the "n-word* yeah, you know what word I mean" part. Couldn't you just have said fcuker instead and not brought the troglodyte "black people look like apes" thing into it.

Unpossible

Buceph wrote: »

That might have had some semblance of funny if it wasn't for the "n-word* yeah, you know what word I mean" part. Couldn't you just have said fcuker instead and not brought the troglodyte "black people look like apes" thing into it.

:rolleyes: my you must be fun at parties

Anyhow changed to astericks so people can read it as they like

Metallitroll

fcuking hell unpossible, tl;dr much?!!

parties/fun?!?!!!

FunkDrummer

A man was taking a walk through the graveyard one morning, when he spotted another man crouched behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he shouted

The other man responded "No, just having a crap!"

Leejo

Leaflet came through all the doors in the area today with warning evryone they could be living beside a paedohile..

Not me..I live next door to two sexy 10 year olds

AwayWithFaries

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

Logfire

Why couldn't Helen Keller Drive?

She was a woman.

DalkeyRose

I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal, one tin of soup.

I leaned over and said your single arent you?

She said how can you tell?

I said "cos your ugly as ****!!

fred funk }{

One day a man was walking along a beach when he came upon a woman on the sand with no arms or legs.

They got chatting and after a while the woman said to the man "will you kiss me as I have never been kissed before". The man felt sorry for her so he lay down beside her and gave her a nice big juicy kiss. The woman thanked the man.

She then asked the man "will you feel my tits as they have never been felt before". Again, the man felt sorry for her and gave her tits a nice feel. She was delighted.

Next she asked the man "will you now feel my arse as it has never been felt before". And as before the man obliged and gave her arse a good feel. She was over the moon.

At this stage she was bursting with excitment and asked the man "Fook me as I have never been fooked before". The man replied........"you're fooked now because the tide is coming in"

groovie

A man approaches the customer services desk in a bookshop.

"Excuse me, but do you have the new self-help manual for men with small penises?"

The assistant replies "I don't think it's in yet, love."

"Yes that's the one" he says.

Savage Tyrant

A robber walks into a bank and shouts "Freeze - Give me all your cash!"
A brave customer pulls off the robbers mask and says 'I've seen your face now' .......So the robber shoots him dead.
"Anyone else seen my face?"
Silence for a moment, then someone pipes up, "I think that c*nt in the Rangers top got a glimpse"

Canis Lupus

Unpossible wrote: »

Ok, edited slightly so it won't offend:

A small 5' man walks into a bar one day, hops up onto a bar stool and orders a double whiskey. After the bar man puts it infront of him, he turns and shouts;
"is there anyone in this bar who thinks they can take me"
from the back of the bar a big scobe shouts "I can, I'll wipe the floor with ya"
"right" replies the small man, he slams the whiskey back, runs along the bar and jumps catching the scobe by the head and bringing him to the ground he proceeds to beat seven shades of s**t out of him destroying several tables and chairs in the process. Afterwards he simply re-arranges his jacket and walks out.
The next day the man is back, again he hops up onto a bar stool and orders a triple whiskey. After the barman puts it on the counter he again turns and shouts:
"right, is there any smart f****r here today who thinks they can take me on"
A giant of a man nearby shouts "sure, I'll beat ya no problem".
"right" says the small man and no sooner had he slammed back the whiskey, then he had jumped to the ground and smashed the chair into the giant, again with the giant on the ground he proceeded to beat the s**t out of him causing even greater damage to the bar. When finished, he re-arranged his clothes and walked out.
At this point the barman was worried, appart from the physical damage his customers were being driven away. So he calls up his friend in the zoo and asks for help. His friend offers to lend him a gorilla reassuring him that the gorilla would give someone a beating, but not kill them, not intentionally anyway.
The barman is delighted and when they get the gorilla to the bar it is carefully led to a toilet cubicle and locked in.
Later the small man once again comes into the bar, hops up on the barstool and this time orders 4 shots of whiskey in one glass. Again before drinking it he turns and issues his challenge:
"Is there anyone in here, thinks he can take me on"
Silence falls on the bar and everyone is avoiding his gaze.
"actually" says the barman, "there is a guy here who was boasting to us earlier that he'd hammer you if you showed your face in here today".
Enraged the man asks "where is he, where is the f****r?". "In the jacks" the barman casually replies. The man slams back the whiskey and runs into the toilets. Loud screams are heard, the stalls sound as if they are being pulled apart and sinks are being smashed, after 20 minutes of this the barman is getting worried, then, quiet. The barman starts panicing, the gorilla must have killed him.
The man stumbles out of the toilets, covered in blood, bruises and scratchs, clothes in tatters. As he passes the barman he says
"When he wakes up tell the ****** that his fur coat is in the toilet"

I think you need to learn the difference between offensive and racist.

Unpossible

Canis Lupus wrote: »

I think you need to learn the difference between offensive and racist.

I honestly always took the joke to mean that the guy in the joke was an idiot and not that the joke itself was promoting racisim.

I have to ask why my joke has been jumped on, yet all of the various ones that played on asian sterotypes were not.


Apologies to anyone who was offended at my joke, again I can only stress that I always viewed it as making fun of the racist/idiot.

TokenWhite

Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monocle, and carrying a scepter. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.

As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarks to the gentleman: "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"

The man replies: "Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish."

Barman: "So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world."

The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charades.

Barman: "Not a bad choice at all if I do say so."

The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friends.

After a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is notable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautiful women draped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.

He orders another round, which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?"

"I am indeed," murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties.

"And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round," says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.

So he shuffles back to the table and he and his friends have their drinks. Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, until he cannot contain himself any longer and asks:

"You found the genie too, right?"

"That's correct," replies the man with an orange for a head.

"And what did you wish for, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I wished to have an orange for a head."

Capt'n Midnight

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Who speaks like that though?

Would never in a million years have gotten that

yer man in Fianna Fail



Oh yeah when did his friend go to the dentist ?

2:32

Sitec

hondasam wrote: »

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.



*******

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

********

Why do men always pay more for car insurance?

Women don't get blowjobs while they're behind the wheel.

I hope your a woman. Otherwise you're a queer/

Jesus Wept

Good contribution there Sitec.

Hulk Hands

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What's this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
Teacher:...(looked at the paper again)...Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass

Savage Tyrant

TokenWhite wrote: »

Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monocle, and carrying a scepter. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.

As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarks to the gentleman: "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"

The man replies: "Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish."

Barman: "So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world."

The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charades.

Barman: "Not a bad choice at all if I do say so."

The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friends.

After a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is notable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautiful women draped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.

He orders another round, which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?"

"I am indeed," murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties.

"And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round," says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.

So he shuffles back to the table and he and his friends have their drinks. Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, until he cannot contain himself any longer and asks:

"You found the genie too, right?"

"That's correct," replies the man with an orange for a head.

"And what did you wish for, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I wished to have an orange for a head."

That's so stupid, yet for some reason it cracked me up!

Rick Deckard

Unpossible wrote: »

Ok, edited slightly so it won't offend:

A small 5' man walks into a bar one day, hops up onto a bar stool and orders a double whiskey. After the bar man puts it infront of him, he turns and shouts;
"is there anyone in this bar who thinks they can take me"
from the back of the bar a big scobe shouts "I can, I'll wipe the floor with ya"
"right" replies the small man, he slams the whiskey back, runs along the bar and jumps catching the scobe by the head and bringing him to the ground he proceeds to beat seven shades of s**t out of him destroying several tables and chairs in the process. Afterwards he simply re-arranges his jacket and walks out.
The next day the man is back, again he hops up onto a bar stool and orders a triple whiskey. After the barman puts it on the counter he again turns and shouts:
"right, is there any smart f****r here today who thinks they can take me on"
A giant of a man nearby shouts "sure, I'll beat ya no problem".
"right" says the small man and no sooner had he slammed back the whiskey, then he had jumped to the ground and smashed the chair into the giant, again with the giant on the ground he proceeded to beat the s**t out of him causing even greater damage to the bar. When finished, he re-arranged his clothes and walked out.
At this point the barman was worried, appart from the physical damage his customers were being driven away. So he calls up his friend in the zoo and asks for help. His friend offers to lend him a gorilla reassuring him that the gorilla would give someone a beating, but not kill them, not intentionally anyway.
The barman is delighted and when they get the gorilla to the bar it is carefully led to a toilet cubicle and locked in.
Later the small man once again comes into the bar, hops up on the barstool and this time orders 4 shots of whiskey in one glass. Again before drinking it he turns and issues his challenge:
"Is there anyone in here, thinks he can take me on"
Silence falls on the bar and everyone is avoiding his gaze.
"actually" says the barman, "there is a guy here who was boasting to us earlier that he'd hammer you if you showed your face in here today".
Enraged the man asks "where is he, where is the f****r?". "In the jacks" the barman casually replies. The man slams back the whiskey and runs into the toilets. Loud screams are heard, the stalls sound as if they are being pulled apart and sinks are being smashed, after 20 minutes of this the barman is getting worried, then, quiet. The barman starts panicing, the gorilla must have killed him.
The man stumbles out of the toilets, covered in blood, bruises and scratchs, clothes in tatters. As he passes the barman he says
"When he wakes up tell the ****** that his fur coat is in the toilet"

Buceph wrote: »

That might have had some semblance of funny if it wasn't for the "n-word* yeah, you know what word I mean" part. Couldn't you just have said fcuker instead and not brought the troglodyte "black people look like apes" thing into it.

fair play to you making it to the last line!