The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Coriolanus

Holy crap I'm slow. Thanks for the explanation.

timewilltell

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are lost in the wilderness. It's been months and they're running out of food.

One day the red head says,
'I'm going to go hunting for food.'

And off she sets.
A few days later she returns, bruised and battered, but with a wild boar!
The other 2 are amazed, and ask how. She says:

'I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BAM! Caught the boar!'

They feast for weeks..

Eventually the brunette realises it's her turn.

So she sets out, and returns days later with a deer, and says.

'I just saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and BAM caught the deer.'

Again they feast.

Finally it's the blonde girls turn..and she sets off.

Weeks later, she stumbles in to the camp, bruised and battered, with nothing to show for it.

The other 2 ask what happened...

She says.. 'Well, it's like this..I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BAM, hit by a train.'

deise go deo

Two IRA Volunteers walk out of a Bar in Belfast, They see a man in Uniform at the end of the street,

The first volunteer says:
'An Cheapann tú go bhfuil an fear sin san RUC?'

The second Volunteer says:
'Ní Cheapann'

Debthree

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Queen-Mise

please dont use spoilers for those of us on phones. Thanks

My jokes are anti-jokes so dont really suit here...

snyper

snyper wrote: »

A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don’t have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"


that joke got me laid soooo many times...

Great ice breaker

There must be some sluts in your area!!

Feeded

How did the baker die? He stepped on a bun and a currant ran up his leg.

Adamantium

Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?











A pizza doesn't scream when you put it into the oven

LighterGuy

Adamantium wrote: »

Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it into the oven

too soon.

pappyodaniel

3 guys are all sitting an interview to get into a Psychology course in Trinity.
They are each asked to provide a word that is the opposite of woe.
The guy from Dublin says "happiness".
The guy from Cork says "elation".
and the sham from Limerick having thought about it for a few minutes says

"Giddy Up!"

pappyodaniel

What's the first sign of Madness?

Suggs walking up you driveway.

rednik

What's the fastest moving muscle in a womans body?

The PRICK

peterk675

The last few words before my grandad kicked the bucket were..?



" how far do you thinki can kick this bucket "

cournioni

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5169932/Did-Clement-Freud-tell-the-funniest-joke-ever-told.html

Logfire

Why did the Baker have smelly fingers?


He needed a sh1t.

Rick Deckard

Monkeh wrote: »

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
Ja!
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Poxy Google Translate!!

If the Nunstück git and Slotermeyer?
Yes!
Or the Beiherhund the Flipperwaldt gersput!

Someone wanna help me out?

Debthree

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] A German couple give birth to a child who is normal in every way. But as the years go on it becomes obvious that he has no speech. He turns 3, no words. He turns 5, no words. Eventually he approaches his teen years but still, no words. Other than his lack of speech, he is a healthy child.

As a birthday treat the couple take him on holiday to Ireland.

On the Aer Lingus flight, the air hostess gives the child his lunch. A few minutes pass and, lo and behold, suddenly the child says "I don't like this meal."

His parents are astonished. They simply cannot believe it. They are overjoyed. The mother says "son, all these years you've never spoken, we thought you never would. How is it that you've suddenly spoken?"

The boy replies: “up 'til now, everything has been satisfactory.”[/FONT]

AckwelFoley

Deleted User wrote: »

There must be some sluts in your area!!

No, not in athlone.

It was a real winner with the ladies in Nenagh

Standard Toaster

peatcass wrote: »

Poxy Google Translate!!

If the Nunstück git and Slotermeyer?
Yes!
Or the Beiherhund the Flipperwaldt gersput!

Someone wanna help me out?

If I translated it you'd fall down dead from laughter.
Please don't translate on here for fear of killings others. Danke.

Faith+1

Whats the only biscuit that can fly?

A Plane Biscuit!

Blackjack

snyper wrote: »

the ladies in Nenagh

ROFLCOPTERS:D:D

Rick Deckard

Monkeh wrote: »

If I translated it you'd fall down dead from laughter.
Please don't translate on here for fear of killings others. Danke.

at least i'd die happy. not living in frustration as i am now.
go on......

Standard Toaster

peatcass wrote: »

at least i'd die happy. not living in frustration as i am now.
go on......

You asked for it.....everyone else turn your speakers down.....no more then that...bit more....all the way down.

There you go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

THE LINK WALSH

Why did the pony cough?

Because he was a little ho(a)rse.

darragh16

Do you like fishsticks?

Then you must be a gay fish.

Trog

cournioni wrote: »

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5169932/Did-Clement-Freud-tell-the-funniest-joke-ever-told.html

HOW HAS THIS NOT GOT MORE THANKS?

Best. Joke. Ever.

Debthree

Four children sitting in a classroom. One is European, one American, one African and one Chinese.

The teacher asks "If you had the choice to eradicate food scarcity in a foreign country where would you choose?"

The African child said: "What's food?"
The European child said: "What's scarcity?"
The American child said: "What's a foreign country?"
The Chinese child said: "What's choice?"

lolie

Two buckets of sick are walking down the street one day, one of them breaks down in tears.
His friend says "why are you so sad bucket, why are you so sad"??

He points across the street and says "theres the house i was brought up in".

ynul31f47k6b59

peatcass wrote: »

at least i'd die happy. not living in frustration as i am now.
go on......

Just saw the video, but for anyone who can't view it, here's the explanation I found (cuz I didn't get it either):

The British comedy troupe Monty Python once performed a sketch entitled "The Funniest Joke in the World" that beautifully illustrates the difficulty in seeking the funniest joke ever told. The premise of the sketch was the invention of a joke so hilarious that anyone who heard it immediately died from laughter. When news of this killer joke reached the British military, they ordered it translated into German for use as a battlefield weapon. Far from being the funniest joke ever told, however, the actual joke is a nonsensical piece of fractured German: "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!" A very literal English translation: "When is the now-piece (git) and (Slotermeyer)? Yes! (Beiher)dog that or the pinball wood (gersput)!"

hondasam

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.



*******

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

********

Why do men always pay more for car insurance?

Women don't get blowjobs while they're behind the wheel.