The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

flyton5

Hahahahahaha. Where's the beef...

mikom

bobblepuzzle wrote: »

Two fish in a tank......one says to the other, how do you drive this thing?

The other one replies.... Leave me alone I'm **** over some prawn.

danniemcq

I took my goldfish to the vet saying I thought it was epileptic. The vet said it looked grand and I had to agree but when I take him out for its walk...

Gran Hermano

Did you hear about the iphone user in after hours?

They were unable to read the spoiler tags

blacktalons

how do you save a drowning priest?
throw him a boy.....:pac:

Wolf Club

Why don't they watch The Simpsons in Afghanistan?

'Cos there's a tellyban

Gran Hermano

Sylvester Stallone, please sort your mum out.

She's gone mental again and is on TV proclaiming to be the ruler of Libya

Galway K9

If it tastes like trout take it out,
if it tastes like chicken...keep on lickin!

smokedeels

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots-eat-em-all

chillywilly

smokedeels wrote: »

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots-eat-em-all

I like

hondasam

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

Hootanany

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's.
Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you!'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing!' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another! All the drinks you like.. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid! All on the house!'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me self, personally, no!' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister

Gran Hermano

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you bloody idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

Logfire

An old man, accompanied by his wife, attends the doctor for a check up.
The doctor decides to do a fairly thorough examination of the old man and tells him that he needs to get a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample for tests.
The old man is a bit deaf and asks his wife what the doctor said.

She replies;

"Just give him your underpants!"

hondasam

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

Galway K9

Whats the difference between a Dublin Northsider and batman?




Batman can go shopping without robin!:D

Galway K9

Homer: "And he only comes out at night...Just like ERKELL!!!!

Dolph Starbeam

'John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man.

"I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." '

Dolph Starbeam

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.

Galway K9

Mark! wrote: »

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.

Took a min to click it but unreal:D

CarrickMcJoe

A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought u only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea".

groovie

Mary and her neighbour are at the front wall having a chat.
Mary's husband, who was away in the army, rounds the corner with a big smile on his face and a bunch of flowers in his hand.
'Here we go' says Mary, I'll be spending the next week on my back with my legs in the air.

Have you no vase, her neighbour asks.

losthorizon

Ive got a sponge front door!

Hey.. dont knock it.

groovie

Man in a railway station:
"I'd like a return ticket please"
"Certainly Sir, to where"?
"Here, of course".

Dwellingdweller

jimbobyrne wrote: »

whats the difference betwwen a ****** and a bucket of ****?
the bucket

is the censored word 'banker' by any chance? :P

seafood dunleavy

A man with a speech impediment goes into town to do some messages.He goes to a shop to buy a clock.
"Can i have a cock please?"
"You mean a clock?"
"Yes"
He then goes in to another shop to buy a bucket.
"Can i have a fckukit please?"
"You mean a bucket?"
So he buys the bucket and then goes to the bakery to buy a bun.
"Can i have a bum please?"
"You mean a bun?"
"Yes".
So on the way home he meets a man who asks him the time.He replies:
"Hold my bum and fcukit while I take out my cock".

Remember this one from primary school

brandon_flowers

You need a bit of agricultural background for this one.

Old Johnny walks into his local and goes to the stool where he sits every night for his quiet few pints. He finds a small Chinese man sitting in his chair and says “Can you get off my stool please?” The Chinese man refuses and Johnny proceeds to tell him “My grandfather sta in that stool every night until he died, and my father sat there every night after that until he died and I will sit there every night until I die” The Chinese man again refuses to get up. Old Johnny grabs the Chinese man but in a flash Johnny is on the ground with a burst nose.

The Chinese man calls over the barman and says “When he-a wake up-a you tell him that was-a Kung Fu chop”

The following night Johnny comes in with the nose bandaged up and the Chinese man is in his seat again. The same thing happens with Johnny giving his story and the Chinese man refuses. Old Johnny goes to grab the Chinese man again but Johnny is on the ground again in seconds.

The Chinese man calls over the barman and says “When he-a wake up-a you tell him that was-a Kung Fu kick”

There is no sign of Johnny for a few days until he comes in again with a big long trench coat on. The Chinese man is sitting on his stool so Johnny goes and sits in the corner quietly sipping a pint. Johnny waits for the Chinese man to go to the toilet and then follows him in, There is a fierce racket being made in the toilets like everything is being pulled off the wall and the ceiling is falling in.

After a few minutes Old Johnny comes out, goes over to the barman and says “Tell that bollox when he wakes up that was the top link off a 165”

older i get better i was

If the "samaritans" really gave a fcuk they'd ring you first!!!

Gran Hermano

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't multi-taskk, ypu know like do do two things at once."

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"

"Give me an example," she replied.

"Well, while I was shagging you last night, I was thinking about your friend."

---

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****e... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

--Kaiser--

brandon_flowers wrote: »

After a few minutes Old Johnny comes out, goes over to the barman and says “Tell that bollox when he wakes up that was the top link off a 165”

A what?