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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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    #482
    lolie
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭lolie


    Two buckets of sick are walking down the street one day, one of them breaks down in tears.
    His friend says "why are you so sad bucket, why are you so sad"??

    He points across the street and says "theres the house i was brought up in".


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    #483
    ynul31f47k6b59
    Closed Accounts Posts: 732 ✭✭✭ynul31f47k6b59


    peatcass wrote: »
    at least i'd die happy. not living in frustration as i am now.
    go on......


    Just saw the video, but for anyone who can't view it, here's the explanation I found (cuz I didn't get it either):

    The British comedy troupe Monty Python once performed a sketch entitled "The Funniest Joke in the World" that beautifully illustrates the difficulty in seeking the funniest joke ever told. The premise of the sketch was the invention of a joke so hilarious that anyone who heard it immediately died from laughter. When news of this killer joke reached the British military, they ordered it translated into German for use as a battlefield weapon. Far from being the funniest joke ever told, however, the actual joke is a nonsensical piece of fractured German: "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!" A very literal English translation: "When is the now-piece (git) and (Slotermeyer)? Yes! (Beiher)dog that or the pinball wood (gersput)!"


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    #484
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

    A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.



    *******

    Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

    If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

    ********

    Why do men always pay more for car insurance?

    Women don't get blowjobs while they're behind the wheel.


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    #485
    grrrrrrrrrr
    Closed Accounts Posts: 635 ✭✭✭grrrrrrrrrr


    Ex-ministers get 4million euro pension pots..

    HAHAHAHA... Oh wait... Shut


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    #486
    Loomis
    Registered Users Posts: 2,692 ✭✭✭Loomis


    Paddyontherun wrote: »
    What do you call a dog with no tongue?

    Smelly balls

    Criminally under appreciated.


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    #487
    Screaminmidget
    Registered Users Posts: 2,059 ✭✭✭Screaminmidget


    Two Blondes walk into a Bar. You'd Think one of them would have seen it :D


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    #488
    Boxfresh
    Registered Users Posts: 1,302 ✭✭✭Boxfresh


    Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I feel like I'm in a pantomime.


    Doctor: Oh No You Don't!


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    #489
    policarp
    Registered Users Posts: 3,661 ✭✭✭policarp


    A blonde and a brunette see a bloke with a serious dandruff problem.
    The brunette says to the blonde, "that bloke needs some Head and Shoulders".
    The blonde asks "How do you do shoulders?"


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    #490
    Jordonvito
    Registered Users Posts: 524 ✭✭✭Jordonvito


    My Girlfriend asked me today if I was a paedophile, I replied 'thats a big word for a 12 year old'


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    #491
    Ghost Estate
    Closed Accounts Posts: 559 ✭✭✭Ghost Estate


    Did you hear about the fella who found a whistle in a septic tank?
    He blew the sh1t out of it


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    #492
    CorsetIsTight
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭CorsetIsTight


    peatcass wrote: »
    Drum set falls off a cliff.

    Ba dum, tish

    Two elephants fall off a cliff.

    Boom, boom.


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    #493
    Ave Nocturna
    Registered Users Posts: 90 ✭✭Ave Nocturna


    What did Mr. Spock find when he looked into the toilet?



    Captain's log

    ******

    What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
    What do you call a walk with no legs? A raisin

    ******

    A guy went to a seafood disco and pulled a mussel

    *****

    My wife's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders had started


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    #494
    Dolph Starbeam
    Registered Users Posts: 4,536 ✭✭✭Dolph Starbeam


    'Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play-ground and go into the woods.

    Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a 'Passionate Embrace'.

    Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

    "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.."

    At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

    "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."


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    #495
    BO-JANGLES
    Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭BO-JANGLES


    A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

    Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

    'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

    Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

    'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

    Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.'


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    #496
    Cheeky_gal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,166 ✭✭✭Cheeky_gal


    pasta-solo wrote: »
    This one needs to be said aloud:

    Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

    2:30

    Always makes me laugh!

    Can someone explain this one?


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    #497
    UpTheSlashers
    Registered Users Posts: 1,556 ✭✭✭UpTheSlashers


    Cheeky_gal wrote: »
    Can someone explain this one?

    two thirty...too thurty......tooth hurty :p


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    #498
    Cheeky_gal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,166 ✭✭✭Cheeky_gal


    UpTheSlashers wrote: »
    two thirty...too thurty......tooth hurty :p

    Who speaks like that though?

    Would never in a million years have gotten that


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    #499
    Canis Lupus
    Registered Users Posts: 9,893 ✭✭✭Canis Lupus


    Cheeky_gal wrote: »
    Can someone explain this one?

    awh bless :)


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    #500
    --Kaiser--
    Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    BO-JANGLES wrote: »
    A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

    Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

    'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

    Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

    'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

    Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.'

    There was this Russian guy, this Spanish guy and this Korean guy all in the same ESL class. The teacher told them to make a sentence using the word 'hostess' for homework.

    So the next day the Russian guy goes "Oh I have a good sentence. The hostess was very courteous." And the teacher said "Wow that was really good!"

    The Spanish guy goes, "Oh I have a better sentence. My mother is a good hostess when others come over." Then the teacher said, "Wow that was really good!"

    Finally the Korean guy goes, "I have the best sentence. When my mother answers the phone, she says 'hostess?'"


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    #501
    this is arse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 261 ✭✭this is arse


    what did the chinese man do after his wife divorced him?
    he went back to wang-king


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    #502
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    A Present for Little Johnny!


    Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

    The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gift.

    Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right ****in here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
    Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a mother****in' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed ****in' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

    Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

    His dad smiled and asked...
    "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

    Johnny replied, "I think I got a ****in' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch


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    #503
    Cheeky_gal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,166 ✭✭✭Cheeky_gal


    http://www.funmint.com/images/santa-claus-letter-little-johnny.jpg


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    #504
    Naikon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,564 ✭✭✭Naikon


    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

    Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

    He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

    She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

    Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!”

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……

    A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?

    Not mine just to note...


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    #505
    this is arse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 261 ✭✭this is arse


    what did billy the blind, deaf, dumb, spastic get for Christmas?
    Cancer


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    #506
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

    A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.


    Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"


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    #507
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
    'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.


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    #508
    newmug
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,571 ✭✭✭newmug


    --Kaiser-- wrote: »
    There was this Russian guy, this Spanish guy and this Korean guy all in the same ESL class. The teacher told them to make a sentence using the word 'hostess' for homework.

    So the next day the Russian guy goes "Oh I have a good sentence. The hostess was very courteous." And the teacher said "Wow that was really good!"

    The Spanish guy goes, "Oh I have a better sentence. My mother is a good hostess when others come over." Then the teacher said, "Wow that was really good!"

    Finally the Korean guy goes, "I have the best sentence. When my mother answers the phone, she says 'hostess?'"


    Dont get it??????:confused::confused::confused:


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    #509
    --Kaiser--
    Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    newmug wrote: »
    Dont get it??????:confused::confused::confused:

    Hostess = Who's this (in a Korean accent)


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    #510
    fred funk }{
    Registered Users Posts: 6,827 ✭✭✭fred funk }{


    What do you call a dog with steal balls and no back legs?


    Sparky.


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    #511
    cosantoir1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭cosantoir1


    Whats the difference between pink and purple?

    My Grip


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