The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. “Oh my goodness,” the pretty young thing exclaimed, “I’m at the wrong house.” “Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old guy assured her. “But you’re forty years too late.”

rolliepoley

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist: “Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex.” The confused artist said: “But you’re not wearing any of those things.” “I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband,I’m sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery.”

Wailin

A grumpy aul fella heads up to bed one stormy night, puts on his PJ's and climbs into bed next to the missus. The wind is howling outside and the rain is pelting off the window.

Just as he's dozing off someone starts hammering on the door wildly and jolts old Paddy upright in bed. "Who the fcuk could that be at this time in that weather eh?" he grumbles to the wife, Mary. He goes to lie back down when the thumping begins again.

Paddy flings back the covers and heads down the stairs grumbling away to himself. "You better have a good reason for this!" he shouts at the end of the stairs. "Any chance of a push?" comes a voice from outside the door. "Fcuk off!" shouts Paddy furiously, storms back up the stairs and climbs into bed.

"Who was it?" asks Mary sleepily. "Some eejit asking for a push" replies Paddy, "can you believe that?"

"Oh Paddy help the man for God's sake", says Mary sitting up in bed, "that could be you out there in that horrible weather looking for help." Not known for his good nature, Paddy is about to tell Mary where to go when he begins to feel a bit guilty. "Goddammit" he mumbles, climbing out of bed again. He puts on his raincoat over his PJ's, gathers his boots and tramps down the stairs, grumbling away to himself again.

He puts on his boots and opens the door, stumbling back from the ferocity of the wind and rain. "HEY" he shouts into the swirling rain and darkness, "HEY, ARE YOU STILL THERE?"

"YES!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Do you still want that push?" hollers Paddy.

"YES PLEASE!" comes the reply from the stormy night.

"WHERE ARE YOU?" yells Paddy, "I CAN'T SEE YOU!"

"OVER HERE ON THE SWING!" comes the gleeful reply!

M5

I'm not saying that my wife is fat, but she has started to eat her dinner from a tectonic plate

Curly Judge

MEN DO REMEMBER
ANNIVERSARIES


A woman awakes during the night
to find that her husband
was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.

Curly Judge

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.
It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

--Kaiser--

Anyone else skip to the punch line for long jokes? Can usually guess the rest of it

Flibbles

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Anyone else skip to the punch line for long jokes? Can usually guess the rest of it

Yep. I also shoot straight to the money shot watching porn, and right to the end of the murder mystery films.

coolhull

I usually read maybe first two lines, then go to the punchline. The rest is often just padding.

Anyone

Friend of mine asked "Whats a whale weight?"

I replied "Its a twack for twains"

M5

Rip Ray Dolby, may he ret in peae.

Allyall

M5 wrote: »

Rip Ray Dolby, may he ret in peae.

Allyall

Allyall wrote: »

Dolby noise reduction system removed the hisssssss from tapes.

Rip Ray Dolby, may he ret in peae.

M5

Allyall wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

Dolby noise reduction system removed the hisssssss from tapes.

Never that funny when you have to explain it

rolliepoley

One sunny afternoon in New York, a priest was out shopping and he met, quite by chance, a vicar walking towards him. Naturally, they stopped to make polite conversation. As they were parting, the priest said to the vicar, "by the way, Vicar, before you go, my parishioners often say I look the image of Jesus Christ.... do you agree?" to which the Vicar scoffed"You.... look like our Lord? I can assure you, my parishioners have all agreed that I am the image of Jesus Christ."

Before they came to blows, a rabbi was walking towards them, and naturally stopped to speak to them. They explained their predicament, asking "which of us, do you think, Rabbi, is the image of Jesus Christ?" to which the Rabbi burst into shrieks of laughter.

"You?..... You?..... Neither of you" and continued to belly laugh. "As a matter of fact" he replied, "I KNOW I am the image of Jesus Christ.... and I can prove it!"

The priest and the vicar looked at each other in stunned silence. "Go on, then, prove it!" The rabbi said"Follow me." And away the three men went, walking through the main thoroughfare, down the backstreets and eventually arrived at a pretty seedy area.

Approaching one dingey property with a notice in the window offering "French Lessons on the Fourth Floor" the rabbi said, "Here we are, follow me." And up the rickety stairs the three men eventually arrived at a door with a little red light overhead.

The rabbi proudly thumped on the door and after a scuffle from inside, the door was opened by a blonde lady in a negligee to which she stared at the rabbi and proclaimed "Jesus Christ.... it's not you again!!!"

Capt'n Midnight

To all those who have commiserated and sent their sympathies, the family of the late Ray Dolby would like to say: THX.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Brady?

-- Here!

Huntley?

-- Here!

Hindley?

-- Here!

Saville?

-- Here!




(Pedophile resgister)

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH MY GOD!'

Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!'
One Irish passenger yelled,
'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

EoghanIRL

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.

Mr Tibbs

If women are so good at multi-tasking why cant they do headace and sex all at the one time.

coolhull

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

If women are so good at multi-tasking why cant they do headace and sex all at the one time.

FYP

Mouth of the South

Fella walks into a bar and sees three big, big girls with red hair and rosy cheeks sitting at the bar downing points.
"Three big girls from Scotland , I'd say" he says to them
"No, Wales" they reply
"Sorry, three whales from Scotland then" he says back.

Mouth of the South

Fella walks into a bar and sees three big, big girls with red hair and rosy cheeks sitting at the bar downing points.
"Three big girls from Scotland , I'd say" he says to them
"No, Wales" they reply
"Sorry, three whales from Scotland then" he says back.

jonnyfingers

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

Hagar the Nice.

Are you insured for sex,seriously,take a look at these companies.

Sex with your wife. Legal and General.

Phone sex. Direct Line

Having an affair. Go Compare.

Looking up doggy sites. Sheilas Wheels.

Sex resulting in pregnancy. General Accident.

Sex with a transvestite. Confused.com.
:rolleyes:

jimgoose

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Are you insured for sex,seriously,take a look at these companies...

Sex with Julie Andrews - NoNonsense.
Sex with a Swiss Miss - Zurich PLC.
Sex with a nympho - Fully-comprehensive.
Sex with an accountant - 123.ie
Sex with a slapper - easyquote.ie
Sex with an Eskimo - chill.ie
B&D, with anal - Norwich Union!
Bashing the Bishop - Windscreen cover.
Dogging - Third-Party Only.

Mr Tibbs

The new parish priest wasn't very sure of himself with the housekeeper. So after a week of sexual frustration he gets out of bed one night and srrips off bollock naked and walks down the hall to the housekeepers bedroom. He opens the door and says Well Mary what do you think and she says Oh father you have balls like a cannon

Hagar the Nice.

Sad news,just before Elvis died he bought a mouse,it died last nite.....

Caught in a trap.:(

TheChosenOne

A man is sitting in the toilet at night, door closed. Suddenly, the power goes out and the toilet light goes off.

The man starts screaming, "Aaaa, help, what's going on?!"

Wife replies: "The power went out".

Man: "Oh, I thought my eyes burst".

Hagar the Nice.

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa at a nursing home in Hamrun. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. "I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.

"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."