The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

M5

Rip Ray Dolby, may he ret in peae.

Allyall

M5 wrote: »

Rip Ray Dolby, may he ret in peae.

Allyall

Allyall wrote: »

Dolby noise reduction system removed the hisssssss from tapes.

Rip Ray Dolby, may he ret in peae.

M5

Allyall wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

Dolby noise reduction system removed the hisssssss from tapes.

Never that funny when you have to explain it

rolliepoley

One sunny afternoon in New York, a priest was out shopping and he met, quite by chance, a vicar walking towards him. Naturally, they stopped to make polite conversation. As they were parting, the priest said to the vicar, "by the way, Vicar, before you go, my parishioners often say I look the image of Jesus Christ.... do you agree?" to which the Vicar scoffed"You.... look like our Lord? I can assure you, my parishioners have all agreed that I am the image of Jesus Christ."

Before they came to blows, a rabbi was walking towards them, and naturally stopped to speak to them. They explained their predicament, asking "which of us, do you think, Rabbi, is the image of Jesus Christ?" to which the Rabbi burst into shrieks of laughter.

"You?..... You?..... Neither of you" and continued to belly laugh. "As a matter of fact" he replied, "I KNOW I am the image of Jesus Christ.... and I can prove it!"

The priest and the vicar looked at each other in stunned silence. "Go on, then, prove it!" The rabbi said"Follow me." And away the three men went, walking through the main thoroughfare, down the backstreets and eventually arrived at a pretty seedy area.

Approaching one dingey property with a notice in the window offering "French Lessons on the Fourth Floor" the rabbi said, "Here we are, follow me." And up the rickety stairs the three men eventually arrived at a door with a little red light overhead.

The rabbi proudly thumped on the door and after a scuffle from inside, the door was opened by a blonde lady in a negligee to which she stared at the rabbi and proclaimed "Jesus Christ.... it's not you again!!!"

Capt'n Midnight

To all those who have commiserated and sent their sympathies, the family of the late Ray Dolby would like to say: THX.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Brady?

-- Here!

Huntley?

-- Here!

Hindley?

-- Here!

Saville?

-- Here!




(Pedophile resgister)

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH MY GOD!'

Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!'
One Irish passenger yelled,
'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

EoghanIRL

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.

Mr Tibbs

If women are so good at multi-tasking why cant they do headace and sex all at the one time.

coolhull

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

If women are so good at multi-tasking why cant they do headace and sex all at the one time.

FYP

Mouth of the South

Fella walks into a bar and sees three big, big girls with red hair and rosy cheeks sitting at the bar downing points.
"Three big girls from Scotland , I'd say" he says to them
"No, Wales" they reply
"Sorry, three whales from Scotland then" he says back.

Mouth of the South

Fella walks into a bar and sees three big, big girls with red hair and rosy cheeks sitting at the bar downing points.
"Three big girls from Scotland , I'd say" he says to them
"No, Wales" they reply
"Sorry, three whales from Scotland then" he says back.

jonnyfingers

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

Hagar the Nice.

Are you insured for sex,seriously,take a look at these companies.

Sex with your wife. Legal and General.

Phone sex. Direct Line

Having an affair. Go Compare.

Looking up doggy sites. Sheilas Wheels.

Sex resulting in pregnancy. General Accident.

Sex with a transvestite. Confused.com.
:rolleyes:

jimgoose

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Are you insured for sex,seriously,take a look at these companies...

Sex with Julie Andrews - NoNonsense.
Sex with a Swiss Miss - Zurich PLC.
Sex with a nympho - Fully-comprehensive.
Sex with an accountant - 123.ie
Sex with a slapper - easyquote.ie
Sex with an Eskimo - chill.ie
B&D, with anal - Norwich Union!
Bashing the Bishop - Windscreen cover.
Dogging - Third-Party Only.

Mr Tibbs

The new parish priest wasn't very sure of himself with the housekeeper. So after a week of sexual frustration he gets out of bed one night and srrips off bollock naked and walks down the hall to the housekeepers bedroom. He opens the door and says Well Mary what do you think and she says Oh father you have balls like a cannon

Hagar the Nice.

Sad news,just before Elvis died he bought a mouse,it died last nite.....

Caught in a trap.:(

TheChosenOne

A man is sitting in the toilet at night, door closed. Suddenly, the power goes out and the toilet light goes off.

The man starts screaming, "Aaaa, help, what's going on?!"

Wife replies: "The power went out".

Man: "Oh, I thought my eyes burst".

Hagar the Nice.

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa at a nursing home in Hamrun. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. "I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.

"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Mr Tibbs

This old farmer from Florida goes down to the lake on his farm with a bucket and is greeted by a very plesent sight. Here is a bunch of nubile young girls jumping into the water naked. So he goes right down by the waterside and the girls start screaming at him. Go away you dirty old man we want to get out and we have no clothes on. The farmers says I didn't come down here to look at you girls sure I didnt even know you were here and with a smile on his face he said I only came down to feed the Alligators.

rolliepoley

In Dublin, a doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red Meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "wedding cake."

rolliepoley

You know it's time to start exercising when...

...You step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you are alone".

The Savage Cabbage

An elephant and a pig are sitting in a bath tub *big bath tub yeah i know* pig says to the elephant, pass me the soap will u? elephant says what do u think i am? a typewriter? (my mate reckons that's the hardest joke in the world to get)

The Savage Cabbage

Did u hear about the constipated mathematician? he worked it out with a pencil!

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"



A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "D’ ya want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

The last is always the best ...........
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

locum-motion

The Savage Cabbage wrote: »

An elephant and a pig are sitting in a bath tub *big bath tub yeah i know* pig says to the elephant, pass me the soap will u? elephant says what do u think i am? a typewriter? (my mate reckons that's the hardest joke in the world to get)

Your mate might just be right. I don't get it, anyway.

The Savage Cabbage

locum-motion wrote: »

Your mate might just be right. I don't get it, anyway.

Nor me, but seemily there is a point to it

Hagar the Nice.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple were
lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down
over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,
stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

Hagar the Nice.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, 'Give me six double vodkas.'
The barman says 'Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.'

'Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.'

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, 'I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!'

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said 'Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?'

'Yeah, my wife...'