The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

pappyodaniel

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Scotsman,Englishman and Irishman are captured by the Injuns,Big Chief says to them 'You all have one request left before we shove you in the huge melting pot.'
Cecil the Englishman asks for a Yorkshire pudding,chief gives him it'mmm,delicious' said Cecil.
Jock asks for a whisky,along comes a huge glass of Cutty Sark, 'Mmm.delicious' says Jock.
Paddy is asked what he'd like and everyone is thinking he'll ask for a pint of Guinness,( remember that these Injuns are smart).
Paddy says 'Two slices of bread.'
'Wtf,' thinks the chief.
Anyway along comes two slices of bread and Paddy then pulls out his Jimmy Riddler and masturbates.
Two minutes later he's finished and the big chief says he's free to go.
Cecil and Jock can't believe it and ask the chief why Paddy is being freed until the chief says 'He go free as he cum in peace.'

I don't get the punchline.

Allyall

My ex-Girlfriend just sneezed, so i accidentally said 'bless you', now she's just staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

coolhull

pappyodaniel wrote: »

I don't get the punchline.

Believe me, you're lucky.

gramar

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hagar the Nice.
Scotsman,Englishman and Irishman are captured by the Injuns,Big Chief says to them 'You all have one request left before we shove you in the huge melting pot.'
Cecil the Englishman asks for a Yorkshire pudding,chief gives him it'mmm,delicious' said Cecil.
Jock asks for a whisky,along comes a huge glass of Cutty Sark, 'Mmm.delicious' says Jock.
Paddy is asked what he'd like and everyone is thinking he'll ask for a pint of Guinness,( remember that these Injuns are smart).
Paddy says 'Two slices of bread.'
'Wtf,' thinks the chief.
Anyway along comes two slices of bread and Paddy then pulls out his Jimmy Riddler and masturbates.
Two minutes later he's finished and the big chief says he's free to go.
Cecil and Jock can't believe it and ask the chief why Paddy is being freed until the chief says 'He go free as he cum in peace.'

pappyodaniel wrote: »

I don't get the punchline.

Yeah, there's definitely something missing from that joke.

wexie

gramar wrote: »

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hagar the Nice.
Scotsman,Englishman and Irishman are captured by the Injuns,Big Chief says to them 'You all have one request left before we shove you in the huge melting pot.'
Cecil the Englishman asks for a Yorkshire pudding,chief gives him it'mmm,delicious' said Cecil.
Jock asks for a whisky,along comes a huge glass of Cutty Sark, 'Mmm.delicious' says Jock.
Paddy is asked what he'd like and everyone is thinking he'll ask for a pint of Guinness,( remember that these Injuns are smart).
Paddy says 'Two slices of bread.'
'Wtf,' thinks the chief.
Anyway along comes two slices of bread and Paddy then pulls out his Jimmy Riddler and masturbates.
Two minutes later he's finished and the big chief says he's free to go.
Cecil and Jock can't believe it and ask the chief why Paddy is being freed until the chief says 'He go free as he cum in peace.'




Yeah, there's definitely something missing from that joke.

Imagine it said 'a piece of bread' instead of 2 slices.

Ted_YNWA

Would have made more sense if asked for peas .

podgemonster

Whats Worse than a Bee sting?

Two Bee stings

locum-motion

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

...the chief says 'He go free as he cum in peace.'

pappyodaniel wrote: »

I don't get the punchline.

gramar wrote: »

...Yeah, there's definitely something missing from that joke.

wexie wrote: »

Imagine it said 'a piece of bread' instead of 2 slices.

I lived in Scotland for five years.
In Scottish slang, for some unfathomable reason, "a piece" is a sandwich.
It makes more sense if you know that.



Mind you, it's still not funny!

rolliepoley

Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.

"Three pounds," he says.

"That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?" Mrs. Fleshman asks.

He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb.

"Three and a half pounds," he says.

"That looks better," says Mrs. Fleshman. "I'll take them both."

rolliepoley

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

rolliepoley

On my way home from my mother’s, I realized I’d left my cell phone at her house. So I went back to get it. Upon retrieving it, I noticed I had a message from Mom. She’d texted, “You left your phone.”

--Kaiser--

podgemonster wrote: »

Whats Worse than a Bee sting?

Two Bee stings

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?






















The holocaust

podgemonster

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?





















The holocaust

Whats worst than the Holocost?

Three Bee stings

Hagar the Nice.

rolliepoley wrote: »

What do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi.

I think I'm going' loopy loo here.
I looked and looked and looked again wondering what the joke was,18 hours later the penny finally dropped.:D



































Mississippi.[/QUOTE]

Mr Tibbs

I took a shower this morning.
The only problem I had was getting it out the door of Woodies without being noticed.

EoghanIRL

podgemonster wrote: »

Whats worst than the Holocost?

Three Bee stings

I did nazi that coming.

Mr Tibbs

Two farmers were discussing about their herds of cattle when one said I paid a fortune for a bull at the mart and he's f*ckin useless. His buddy said to him he had the same problem but the vet gave him tablets for the bull and now he's screwing so much I have to loan him out. The first farmer said what kind of tablets did the vet give him and his buddy said ah they were pink in colour and tasted like peppermint.

My wife had a job interview for a camera store the other day.

Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash..."

So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."

--Kaiser--

Domestic abuse, always hilarious

gramar

locum-motion wrote: »

I lived in Scotland for five years.
In Scottish slang, for some unfathomable reason, "a piece" is a sandwich.
It makes more sense if you know that.



Mind you, it's still not funny!

Believe it or not I knew that from reading oor wullie comic books as a young lad but even using that meaning I couldn't make that joke work.

eamonnq

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I took a shower this morning.
The only problem I had was getting it out the door of Woodies without being noticed.

Shoplifting, always hilarious.

Lol2013

WHICH ONE IS MORE PAINFUL????

1) After keeping ur virginity for more than 25yrs and getting raped one week to ur wedding

2) Work hard for the whole month and go to ATM and be robbed.

3) You are sitting next to your crush in class. your chair makes a farting noise and you cant make the noise again to prove you didnt fart.

4) studying for 7yrs at University then stay at home for 10yrs unemployed.

5) During Ur first date, the drink U are drinking enters Ur windpipe and U start coughing non
stop…Red eye…

Allyall

Lol2013 wrote: »

WHICH ONE IS MORE PAINFUL????

1) After keeping ur virginity for more than 25yrs and getting raped one week to ur wedding

2) Work hard for the whole month and go to ATM and be robbed.

3) You are sitting next to your crush in class. your chair makes a farting noise and you cant make the noise again to prove you didnt fart.

4) studying for 7yrs at University then stay at home for 10yrs unemployed.

6) During Ur first date, the drink U are drinking enters Ur windpipe and U start coughing non
stop…Red eye…

7) Reading the above.

_Whimsical_

There's no point trying to explain irony to a kleptomaniac...
They take everything literally.

--Kaiser--

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Domestic abuse, always hilarious

Not as funny as holocaust jokes though.

podgemonster

LittleNipper wrote: »

Not as funny as holocaust jokes though.

Holocost jokes are repulsive, anne frankly I won't stand for them!

Lol2013

Marketing 101

1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party.You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” - That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous Girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich.Marry him!” – That’s Advertising.

3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich! Can I marry you?” - That’s Brand Recognition.

4. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That’s Customer Feedback.

5. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband.- That’s Demand and Supply Gap

6. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and before you say: “I m rich, Marry me!”, your wife arrives. – That’s Barriers to Entry into New Markets

Capt'n Midnight

Last night, my wife made what passes in our relationship these days for a romantic meal.

It was just bangers and mash, but she didn't spit on it.






I saw this man smoking whist on duty and he was break dancing on company time.

I can remember when ESB workers took pride in their job.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for a clue.
The dad said, "Well, it's what mummy calls me sometimes."


The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it !


It's an arse hole!

frag420

Lol2013 wrote: »

WHICH ONE IS MORE PAINFUL????

1) After keeping ur virginity for more than 25yrs and getting raped one week to ur wedding

2) Work hard for the whole month and go to ATM and be robbed.

3) You are sitting next to your crush in class. your chair makes a farting noise and you cant make the noise again to prove you didnt fart.

4) studying for 7yrs at University then stay at home for 10yrs unemployed.

5) During Ur first date, the drink U are drinking enters Ur windpipe and U start coughing non
stop…Red eye…

F*ck of Alanis!!