The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL

Why do elephants have trunks ?

Because they would look funny with glove compartments.

rolliepoley

Here i am on a sunday afternoon sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbour and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

rolliepoley

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

yellowlabrador

Where do you weigh a pie




somewhere over the rainbow

rolliepoley

At a session with their marriage counselor, the wife snaps at her husband “That’s not true! I do so enjoy sex!” Then, turning to the counselor, she explains “But this animal expects it four or five times a year!”

rolliepoley

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
Reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
Have raised,

The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
Other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and Stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
Wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have Completed your assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and Exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

rolliepoley

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

Hagar the Nice.

rolliepoley wrote: »

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

That sounds just like my wife..........:mad:






















Hunnybunch,if by chance you happen to read this,I'm only joking,mwwwaaahhhhhhh.:rolleyes:

J Cheever Loophole

I am pie wrote: »

I would prefer to have a concrete slab smashed over the top of my head than hear or read this joke ever again.

Try and stand still - we'll see what arrangements we can make this end.

Hagar the Nice.

I was at Celtic Pk for the Stan Petrov charity match today and before the game had started I was desperate to check out the new Wi-Fi that was put in at the ground a few weeks ago,so I asked a lass sitting next to me if she knew the password,no luck,so I started typing in,I tried celtic1888, then celtic1967,then celticfc1888,then celtic125,then henrik6-2,then hailhail,then lennythelion,then henrik7,then I realised the game had ended.:mad:

Kippure

Getting marriage advice off a priest, is like getting driving lessons of a blind person.....pointless!

madness98

I was lucky enough to own a charming little book called 'The Male of a Cow'. It was filled with charming little jokes and rhyms, all stemming from Irish culture.

The title is from the joke in the book where Billy asks Paddy 'what the male of a cow is', and Paddy replies with 'Grass'.

My favourite little thing from this book wasn't a direct joke but a little rhyme:

Here lies Richard Burke,
A decent man entirely.
We bought this tombstone second hand,
his name isn't Burke its Riley.

madness98

I was lucky enough to own a charming little book called 'The Male of a Cow'. It was filled with charming little jokes and rhyms, all stemming from Irish culture.

The title is from the joke in the book where Billy asks Paddy 'what the male of a cow is', and Paddy replies with 'Grass'.

My favourite little thing from this book wasn't a direct joke but a little rhyme:

Here lies Richard Burke,
A decent man entirely.
We bought this tombstone second hand,
his name isn't Burke its Riley.

Wossack

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Let's smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Let's build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Let's assume that we have a can-opener..."

donegal__road

.

Mouth of the South

An American Jew (AJ) and and a Chinese-American (CA) are sitting in a bar and get talking about their backgrounds.

AJ : Ye know, I gotta say I actually don't like you guys for what you done in the war. Ye know, for bombing Pearl Harbour and that and startin' the war.
CA : Waddya talkin' about? That was the Japanese, not the Chinese.
AJ: Ah Japanese, Chinese, same thing.
CA : Well I gotta say I don't like you Jews for what you did with the Titanic, sinking the ship and drowning all those people.
AJ : Waddya talkin' about? That was an iceberg.
CA : Ah iceberg, Goldberg, same thing.

eamonnq

donegal__road wrote: »

.

Where did you HEAR that one ??:P

rolliepoley

Apparently David Moyes has phoned the Police tonight..

He claims that he's been the victim of a Fellaini.

I am pie

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

Try and stand still - we'll see what arrangements we can make this end.

You´d be better off looking up the word "Joke" in the dictionary.

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it
and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ
hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.




However, since the only time they ever got together
was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived,
so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last
of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-
lo and behold!- there sat Russ!




Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world
happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'


'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'


'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,
that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'







'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her?

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich
and she filed rape charges against me and,
at 89 years old, I was so proud
that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.


'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

bnt

Not exactly a joke, but a hilarious true story: Dogs In Elk. You should read the whole thing, but here's an extract:

Anne V - 01:01pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1318 of 1332) Okay - I know how to take meat away from a dog. How do I take a dog away from meat? This is not, unfortunately, a joke.
...
Linda Hewitt - 02:30pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1336 of 1356)
Have you thought about calling your friendly vet and paying him to come
pick up the dogs, elk and letting the dogs stay at the vets overnight. If
anyone would know what to do, it would be your vet. It might cost some
money, but it would solve the immediate crisis. Keep us posted.
...
Anne V - 02:44pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1339 of 1356)
I did call my vet. He laughed until he was gagging and breathless. He says
a lot of things, which can be summed as *what did you expect?* and *no,
there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.* He is planning to
stop over and take a look on his way home. Thanks, Lori. I am almost
surrendered to the absurdity of it.

Lori Shiraishi - 02:49pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1340 of 1356)
"He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home." So he can
fall down laughing in person?

Anne V - 02:50pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1341 of 1356)
Basically, yeah. That would be about it.

MadsL

bnt wrote: »

Not exactly a joke, but a hilarious true story: Dogs In Elk. You should read the whole thing, but here's an extract:

Lol, this happened in the state I live in. We have had plagues of moths, bees, scorpions so far, why not elk.

steddyeddy

"Before you go, can you toss another load into the washing machine," called my girlfriend.

"You kinky bitch" I thought, unzipping my flies.

rolliepoley

A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he has ever eaten. He goes back into the kitchen to thank the cook, and finding someone there cooking, he asks "Are you the Fish Fryer?" To which the man replies, "No, I'm the Chip Monk".

bodhrandude

How did the Germans bomb Nice?

They poured hot tea all over the place.

EoghanIRL

bodhrandude wrote: »

How did the Germans bomb Nice?

They poured hot tea all over the place.

That must have made them führious.

EoghanIRL

What do you call a man with a shovel through his head ?
















An ambulance

rolliepoley

What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?


























Spitting out the wheelchairs.

rolliepoley

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".