Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

1…158159161163164…327

Comments

  • #4802
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    I am pie wrote: »
    I would prefer to have a concrete slab smashed over the top of my head than hear or read this joke ever again.


    Thought it was quite funny,first time I've read it.:)


  • #4803
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I am pie wrote: »
    I would prefer to have a concrete slab smashed over the top of my head than hear or read this joke ever again.
    A mortar attack! :p


  • #4804
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Some one threw sodium chloride at me today.

    It was a salt :P


  • #4805
    Roger_007
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,886 ✭✭✭✭Roger_007


    EoghanIRL wrote: »
    Some one threw sodium chloride at me today.

    It was a salt :P
    'I Am Pie' is gone out to look for a concrete block...:D


  • #4806
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,853 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Some one threw sodium chloride and a AA cell at me today


    It was a salt and battery :P


  • Advertisement
  • #4807
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Ten (10) Things I know about you.

    1) You are reading this.
    2) You are human.
    3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
    4) You just attempted to do it.
    6) You are laughing at yourself.
    7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
    8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
    9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

    10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.


  • #4808
    wazky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,516 ✭✭✭wazky


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Some one threw sodium chloride and a AA cell at me today
    It was a salt and battery :P

    A Peanut went to his local Garda station and wanted to make a complaint.

    Apparently, he was A-Salted...


  • #4809
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Some one threw sodium chloride and a AA cell at me today


    It was a salt and battery :P

    Good add on.

    I think all the good chemistry jokes Argon.


  • #4810
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 54,143 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Lenny Henry walked into the doctor's surgery with a frog sitting on his head.
    The doctor says "what seems to be the matter?" and the frog says "well i've got this blackhead on my arse".


  • #4811
    Lol2013
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Lol2013


    Cab Driver Goes to Heaven



    A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

    The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."


  • Advertisement
  • #4812
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    I have anal glaucoma, i can't see my ass going to work this morning.


  • #4813
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,853 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens - he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...





    Niels Bohr, the famous physicist, had a horse shoe over his desk. One day a student asked if he really believed that a horse shoe brought luck. Bohr replied, "I understand that it brings you luck if you believe in it or not."


  • #4814
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    The names bond.
    Ionic bond .
    Taken , not shared.


  • #4815
    --Kaiser--
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Niels Bohr, the famous physicist

    Here's an almost certainly apocryphal story attributed to be about the great Bohr man himself
    A physics student at the University of Copenhagen was once faced with the following challenge:

    "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."

    The student replied: "Tie a long piece of string to the barometer, lower it from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

    This answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. However, the student appealed on the grounds that the answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but that it did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem, it was decided to call the student and allow six minutes for him to provide an oral answer. For five minutes the student sat in silence, his forehead creased in thought. When the arbiter pointed out that time was running out, the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers but could not decide which to use. "Firstly, you could take a barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge and measure the time it takes to reach the ground, but too bad for the barometer. "If the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic. "If you wanted to be highly scientific, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it as a pendulum, first at ground level, then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height of the building can be calculated from the difference in the pendulum's period.

    "If the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height in barometer lengths. "If you wanted to be boring and orthodox, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference into a height of air.

    "But since we are continually being urged to seek new ways of doing things, probably the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say: "If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this building"


  • #4816
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    Scotsman,Englishman and Irishman are captured by the Injuns,Big Chief says to them 'You all have one request left before we shove you in the huge melting pot.'
    Cecil the Englishman asks for a Yorkshire pudding,chief gives him it'mmm,delicious' said Cecil.
    Jock asks for a whisky,along comes a huge glass of Cutty Sark, 'Mmm.delicious' says Jock.
    Paddy is asked what he'd like and everyone is thinking he'll ask for a pint of Guinness,( remember that these Injuns are smart).
    Paddy says 'Two slices of bread.'
    'Wtf,' thinks the chief.
    Anyway along comes two slices of bread and Paddy then pulls out his Jimmy Riddler and masturbates.
    Two minutes later he's finished and the big chief says he's free to go.
    Cecil and Jock can't believe it and ask the chief why Paddy is being freed until the chief says 'He go free as he cum in peace.'


  • #4817
    Lol2013
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Lol2013


    I took the shell off my racing snail to try and speed it up. It just made it sluggish.


  • #4818
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    What do you call a hippie's wife?




































    Mississippi.


  • #4819
    Lol2013
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Lol2013


    A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
    The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

    Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

    Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"


    Although I have heard one where the accountant says that


  • #4820
    Lol2013
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Lol2013


    Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?

    Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard (herd)?


  • #4821
    BattleCorp
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,853 ✭✭✭✭BattleCorp


    1. Kanye West writes and releases "Gold Digger".
    2. Kanye West gets with Kim Kardashian.
    3. Kanye West has a kid with Kim Kardashian.


    Conclusion: Kanye West does not listen to his own music.


  • Advertisement
  • #4822
    pappyodaniel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,863 ✭✭✭pappyodaniel


    Hagar the Nice. wrote: »
    Scotsman,Englishman and Irishman are captured by the Injuns,Big Chief says to them 'You all have one request left before we shove you in the huge melting pot.'
    Cecil the Englishman asks for a Yorkshire pudding,chief gives him it'mmm,delicious' said Cecil.
    Jock asks for a whisky,along comes a huge glass of Cutty Sark, 'Mmm.delicious' says Jock.
    Paddy is asked what he'd like and everyone is thinking he'll ask for a pint of Guinness,( remember that these Injuns are smart).
    Paddy says 'Two slices of bread.'
    'Wtf,' thinks the chief.
    Anyway along comes two slices of bread and Paddy then pulls out his Jimmy Riddler and masturbates.
    Two minutes later he's finished and the big chief says he's free to go.
    Cecil and Jock can't believe it and ask the chief why Paddy is being freed until the chief says 'He go free as he cum in peace.'

    I don't get the punchline. :confused:


  • #4823
    Allyall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,381 ✭✭✭✭Allyall


    My ex-Girlfriend just sneezed, so i accidentally said 'bless you', now she's just staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.


  • #4824
    coolhull
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    pappyodaniel wrote: »
    I don't get the punchline. :confused:

    Believe me, you're lucky.


  • #4825
    gramar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hagar the Nice. viewpost.gif
    Scotsman,Englishman and Irishman are captured by the Injuns,Big Chief says to them 'You all have one request left before we shove you in the huge melting pot.'
    Cecil the Englishman asks for a Yorkshire pudding,chief gives him it'mmm,delicious' said Cecil.
    Jock asks for a whisky,along comes a huge glass of Cutty Sark, 'Mmm.delicious' says Jock.
    Paddy is asked what he'd like and everyone is thinking he'll ask for a pint of Guinness,( remember that these Injuns are smart).
    Paddy says 'Two slices of bread.'
    'Wtf,' thinks the chief.
    Anyway along comes two slices of bread and Paddy then pulls out his Jimmy Riddler and masturbates.
    Two minutes later he's finished and the big chief says he's free to go.
    Cecil and Jock can't believe it and ask the chief why Paddy is being freed until the chief says 'He go free as he cum in peace.'

    pappyodaniel wrote: »
    I don't get the punchline. :confused:

    Yeah, there's definitely something missing from that joke.


  • #4826
    wexie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,480 ✭✭✭wexie


    gramar wrote: »
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hagar the Nice. viewpost.gif
    Scotsman,Englishman and Irishman are captured by the Injuns,Big Chief says to them 'You all have one request left before we shove you in the huge melting pot.'
    Cecil the Englishman asks for a Yorkshire pudding,chief gives him it'mmm,delicious' said Cecil.
    Jock asks for a whisky,along comes a huge glass of Cutty Sark, 'Mmm.delicious' says Jock.
    Paddy is asked what he'd like and everyone is thinking he'll ask for a pint of Guinness,( remember that these Injuns are smart).
    Paddy says 'Two slices of bread.'
    'Wtf,' thinks the chief.
    Anyway along comes two slices of bread and Paddy then pulls out his Jimmy Riddler and masturbates.
    Two minutes later he's finished and the big chief says he's free to go.
    Cecil and Jock can't believe it and ask the chief why Paddy is being freed until the chief says 'He go free as he cum in peace.'




    Yeah, there's definitely something missing from that joke.


    Imagine it said 'a piece of bread' instead of 2 slices.


  • #4827
    Ted_YNWA
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 71,802 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    Would have made more sense if asked for peas .


  • #4828
    podgemonster
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,228 ✭✭✭podgemonster


    Whats Worse than a Bee sting?

    Two Bee stings


  • #4829
    locum-motion
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,144 ✭✭✭locum-motion


    Hagar the Nice. wrote: »
    ...the chief says 'He go free as he cum in peace.'
    pappyodaniel wrote: »
    I don't get the punchline. :confused:
    gramar wrote: »
    ...Yeah, there's definitely something missing from that joke.
    wexie wrote: »
    Imagine it said 'a piece of bread' instead of 2 slices.

    I lived in Scotland for five years.
    In Scottish slang, for some unfathomable reason, "a piece" is a sandwich.
    It makes more sense if you know that.



    Mind you, it's still not funny!


  • #4830
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.

    "Three pounds," he says.

    "That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?" Mrs. Fleshman asks.

    He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb.

    "Three and a half pounds," he says.

    "That looks better," says Mrs. Fleshman. "I'll take them both."


  • Advertisement
  • #4831
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

    "Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

    "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

    "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

    Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

    "Certainly, madam," he replied.

    "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

    The receptionist nodded and smiled.

    "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

    After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

    The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

    "Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

    "Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

    "Food to your liking?"

    "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

    "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

    "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

    Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

    "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"


This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement