The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

--Kaiser--

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Ok, thanks. I must look out for them.......

Pigeons? They're everywhere, grey flappy things, like bread

Busted Flat.

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Pigeons walk with a bobbing head movement to keep balance. He is implying that a certain breed of dub walks with a similar bobbing movement

Correct.

Busted Flat.

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Ok, thanks. I must look out for them.......

Stand on the South side of the Liffey and look across.

Hitchens

Paddy went for a testicle check up last week.

The little Thai nurse cupped his balls and said, - "don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure!".

Paddy said - "I havent got an erection".

She replied, - "no, but i have!" :pac:

Gloomtastic!

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Stand on the South side of the Liffey and look across.

I wouldn't lower myself!

Roger_007

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Pigeons? They're everywhere, grey flappy things, like bread

I've never eaten grey flappy bread. What's it like?:D

Mr Tibbs

I've had to leave communism school beause of my bad Marx.

rolliepoley

A wife is dreaming in bed, she
suddenly wakes up and shouts
"quick my husband is home!"
her husband wakes up and jumps out the window.

rolliepoley

A golfer is playing at St. Andrews in Scotland on a beautiful hot day when he stops by one of the streams to get a drink.As he puts his hand in to scoop out some water he hears a shout from the greens keeper:”Eh, don drink tha, it’s full a cow ****e an pish!”

“I’m sorry sir, but could you repeat yourself, I’m from England you see,” says the golfer.

“I said use two hands so you don’t spill it!”

rolliepoley

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men.

She asked her guide why and he said, “Because they are considered of lesser status.”

Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead.

She turned to her guide and this time asked, “What has changed?”

The guide answered, “Land mines.”

rolliepoley

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely.

The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.

But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.

Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.

He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him

“Thank you, thank you for saving my life.

I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says,

“Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

Mr Tibbs

rolliepoley wrote: »

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely.

The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.

But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.

Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.

He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him

“Thank you, thank you for saving my life.

I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says,

“Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

Hey Rolie when this fellow got off the Island did he act in Deliverance

Duiske

Had a mate who was into S&M, necrophilia and bestiality. He quit when he realized he was just flogging a dead horse.

Is CUMA liom.

A what was the fastest vehicle in world war 2

A Jew cycling through Berlin on a bicycle

I am pie

Is CUMA liom. wrote: »

A what was the fastest vehicle in world war 2

A Jew cycling through Berlin on a bicycle

The Nazi's just called, they are missing you back in 1940.

Noopti

Is CUMA liom. wrote: »

A what was the fastest vehicle in world war 2

A Jew cycling through Berlin on a bicycle

You actually ruined an already **** joke. You deserve some sort of medal.

Four elderly gents are walking down a street in Manchester. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Pub - All drinks 20p."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old man behind the bar says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me get you one ! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men (spoilt for choice and no doubt still clinging to inflated memories of their youth) orders a dry martini - shaken, not stirred. In no time at all the landlord serves up four martinis and says, "That'll be 20p each, please."

The four guys stare at him for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 80p, enjoy their martinis, then order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 80p, please."

They pay up, but their curiosity is getting the better of them. The drinks are excellent, yet it's costing less than £1 a round. Finally one of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 20p a throw?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the landlord says, "and I always wanted to own a pub. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 20p - that's Wine, spirits, liqueurs, beer - they're all the same."

"Wow! That's what I call sharing your good fortune!" one of the men replies.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing several other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the men at the far end of the bar, one of the men asks the barman, "With prices like yours, how come they're not drinking?"

The landlord says, "Simple. They're retired folk from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when all drinks are half-price".

rolliepoley

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon.

After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?”

Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

So the pastor puts his hand on top of his head and prays for a while.

He removes his hands and says,

“Mo how’s your hearing now?”

Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

rolliepoley

A man is in a pawnshop and sees this beautiful Grandfather Clock and winds up buying it.He asks the owner if he can deliver the clock and the owner replies that he cannot make deliveries.So only living a few blocks away the man decides to strap the clock on his back and carry it the few blocks.

After a block or so, a drunk comes staggering out of a bar and bumps into the man knocking him down on his back and smashing the clock to bits.

He then jumps up and starts cussing the drunk out and saying “look what you did to my beautiful clock you idiot.”

The drunk then replies, gee buddy I’m really sorry why don’t you wear a wristwatch like everyone else.

rolliepoley

Can we show some paper?

rolliepoley

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that looks like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

cathalio11

Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
----
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Susie

longhalloween

Probably been done before.

Paddy was in a car accident and was killed instantly. His body was so disfigured the gardai called his two best friends to the morgue to formally identify him.

The two lads had a couldn't make a positive ID, so one of them said to the coroner "Here, roll the body over"

The coroner looked at him puzzled and asked why.

One friend said "It's a well known fact that Paddy had two rectums, so we'll be able to tell if it's him by having a look"

The coroner has a look at the chart and says "There's no record of that here. Are you sure about this?"

The other friend says "Definitely. Sure every weekend the three of us would walk into the pub and people would say, "Ah here comes Paddy with the two arseholes."

Mr Tibbs

A bloke came into the A&E department of a hospital to make enquiries about his friend who fell off on building site. He asked how was his friend Paddy who was f*ckin lucky to be alive. The nurse in disgust said to him could you refrain from bad language please and asked what happened him. Ah he fell of a scaffolding and got a scafolding pole stuck up his h*le, and the nurse raging now said rectum, and yer man said sure jasus it nearly killed him.

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."







"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Anyone

I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

December2012

Anyone wrote: »

I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

Hmmmm...


http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056238863/443/#post86288552

rolliepoley

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

Hitchens

Paddy met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. He phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

rolliepoley

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have...
The husband says, "No f***ing chance love, They're too expensive!"
Later on that night in bed, The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips....
She turns to him and says, "No f***ing chance love, If you aint prepared to shoe the horse then you aint f***ing ridin it!!"