The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely.

The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.

But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.

Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.

He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him

“Thank you, thank you for saving my life.

I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says,

“Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

Mr Tibbs

rolliepoley wrote: »

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely.

The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.

But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.

Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.

He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him

“Thank you, thank you for saving my life.

I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says,

“Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

Hey Rolie when this fellow got off the Island did he act in Deliverance

Duiske

Had a mate who was into S&M, necrophilia and bestiality. He quit when he realized he was just flogging a dead horse.

Is CUMA liom.

A what was the fastest vehicle in world war 2

A Jew cycling through Berlin on a bicycle

I am pie

Is CUMA liom. wrote: »

A what was the fastest vehicle in world war 2

A Jew cycling through Berlin on a bicycle

The Nazi's just called, they are missing you back in 1940.

Noopti

Is CUMA liom. wrote: »

A what was the fastest vehicle in world war 2

A Jew cycling through Berlin on a bicycle

You actually ruined an already **** joke. You deserve some sort of medal.

Four elderly gents are walking down a street in Manchester. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Pub - All drinks 20p."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old man behind the bar says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me get you one ! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men (spoilt for choice and no doubt still clinging to inflated memories of their youth) orders a dry martini - shaken, not stirred. In no time at all the landlord serves up four martinis and says, "That'll be 20p each, please."

The four guys stare at him for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 80p, enjoy their martinis, then order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 80p, please."

They pay up, but their curiosity is getting the better of them. The drinks are excellent, yet it's costing less than £1 a round. Finally one of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 20p a throw?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the landlord says, "and I always wanted to own a pub. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 20p - that's Wine, spirits, liqueurs, beer - they're all the same."

"Wow! That's what I call sharing your good fortune!" one of the men replies.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing several other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the men at the far end of the bar, one of the men asks the barman, "With prices like yours, how come they're not drinking?"

The landlord says, "Simple. They're retired folk from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when all drinks are half-price".

rolliepoley

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon.

After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?”

Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

So the pastor puts his hand on top of his head and prays for a while.

He removes his hands and says,

“Mo how’s your hearing now?”

Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

rolliepoley

A man is in a pawnshop and sees this beautiful Grandfather Clock and winds up buying it.He asks the owner if he can deliver the clock and the owner replies that he cannot make deliveries.So only living a few blocks away the man decides to strap the clock on his back and carry it the few blocks.

After a block or so, a drunk comes staggering out of a bar and bumps into the man knocking him down on his back and smashing the clock to bits.

He then jumps up and starts cussing the drunk out and saying “look what you did to my beautiful clock you idiot.”

The drunk then replies, gee buddy I’m really sorry why don’t you wear a wristwatch like everyone else.

rolliepoley

Can we show some paper?

rolliepoley

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that looks like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

cathalio11

Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
----
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Susie

longhalloween

Probably been done before.

Paddy was in a car accident and was killed instantly. His body was so disfigured the gardai called his two best friends to the morgue to formally identify him.

The two lads had a couldn't make a positive ID, so one of them said to the coroner "Here, roll the body over"

The coroner looked at him puzzled and asked why.

One friend said "It's a well known fact that Paddy had two rectums, so we'll be able to tell if it's him by having a look"

The coroner has a look at the chart and says "There's no record of that here. Are you sure about this?"

The other friend says "Definitely. Sure every weekend the three of us would walk into the pub and people would say, "Ah here comes Paddy with the two arseholes."

Mr Tibbs

A bloke came into the A&E department of a hospital to make enquiries about his friend who fell off on building site. He asked how was his friend Paddy who was f*ckin lucky to be alive. The nurse in disgust said to him could you refrain from bad language please and asked what happened him. Ah he fell of a scaffolding and got a scafolding pole stuck up his h*le, and the nurse raging now said rectum, and yer man said sure jasus it nearly killed him.

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."







"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Anyone

I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

December2012

Anyone wrote: »

I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

Hmmmm...


http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056238863/443/#post86288552

rolliepoley

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

Hitchens

Paddy met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. He phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

rolliepoley

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have...
The husband says, "No f***ing chance love, They're too expensive!"
Later on that night in bed, The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips....
She turns to him and says, "No f***ing chance love, If you aint prepared to shoe the horse then you aint f***ing ridin it!!"

rolliepoley

A male worm meets a female worm. The male worm says, "How about you and I going back to your place?"

The female worm replies, "Fine" and they go to her burrow in the soil. The male worm notices a picture of the female worm with another guy-worm. The male worm asks, "Is that your husband?"

The female worm replies, "Yes."

The male worm says, "I'm really sorry but I do not indulge myself with married worms."

The female worm says, "There's nothing to worry, my husband is not coming back."

The male worm asks, "How can you be so sure?"

The female worm replies, "Because he got up early this morning and went fishing!"

rolliepoley

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

rolliepoley

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,
weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Hilly Bill

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding
50
billion f**king chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe
that if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Queensland with
a
breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak
show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get
laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bulls**t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was
started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget
pilgrim
stowaways on the Endeavour.

F*ck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends,
and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't f*cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your
own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to ! the arse of a dead
elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per
letter
he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
your
underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.
P.S. Send me 15 euro and Then F*ck Off

coolhull

That's the best joke you ever heard? So good you told it twice?
Wrong thread, a chara.....

Hagar the Nice.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his

flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he

picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,

disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus

is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his

flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his

head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out

so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'


Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,

looking for the source of the voice.


Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight

beam came to rest on a parrot.


Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.


'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm

just trying to warn you.'


The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world

are you?'


'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?'

Spoiler:
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Hagar the Nice.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his

flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he

picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,

disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus

is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his

flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his

head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out

so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'


Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,

looking for the source of the voice.


Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight

beam came to rest on a parrot.


Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.


'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm

just trying to warn you.'


The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world

are you?'


'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Hagar the Nice.

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 9 inches tall, walks into a chemist and asks to speak to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes over, and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Dae ye sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Dae ye think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist says, "Maybe, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

rolliepoley

A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house, she approaches him in a most provocative manner.

“Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?” asks the wife in a soft sweet voice.

Not knowing what to make of this situation he replies “No.”

Pursing her lips she give him a sexy little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

Then stepping closer in she asks in a low sexy voice “Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?”

Intrigued he answers “Uh, no.”

She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into her panties and ever so slowly removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

“Now” she says as she leans down and whispers, “Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

Totally confused and excited he stammers “No-o-o-o-o.”

“Well” she whispers in his ear, “then go look in the garage.”

Busted Flat.

rolliepoley wrote: »

A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house, she approaches him in a most provocative manner.

“Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?” asks the wife in a soft sweet voice.

Not knowing what to make of this situation he replies “No.”

Pursing her lips she give him a sexy little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

Then stepping closer in she asks in a low sexy voice “Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?”

Intrigued he answers “Uh, no.”

She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into her panties and ever so slowly removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

“Now” she says as she leans down and whispers, “Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

Totally confused and excited he stammers “No-o-o-o-o.”

“Well” she whispers in his ear, “then go look in the garage.”

It will take me some time to get that one, can I phone a friend.