Your finest retort

Rycn

Enigma IE wrote: »

Used quite recently after some clown starting giving me grief in the pub for no particular reason. I suspect he was off his head.

"Your oulone has got the clap"

Got his attention.

You showed him.

El Siglo

Foster Big Lockout wrote: »

Fuck you!.

Fucking brilliant!!!

Darksaga87

Will someone upload the youtube video of the athlone knackers shouting at each other on the street? there are some class come backs in that.

I would but im in work and get on youtube!

OutlawPete

Few good ones in this clip but I have always liked:

"Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8qb9TRqZsM

Buford T Justice

Rather un-original but:

Fuck you ya cunt I find works quite well for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bon9ZgDWl38

Enigma IE

Rycn wrote: »

You showed him.

Well I deemed it a success based on the reaction I received.

Something along the lines..... "your dead when I see you next Thursday......"

Considering I didn't know the guy, I assume it was a case of mistaken identity.

Obviously I'm still 'alive'.

WeeBushy

From Star Trek:

Cadet: This townie isn't bothering you right?
Uhura: Oh, beyond belief. But it's nothing I can't handle.
Kirk: You could handle me if that's an invitation.
Cadet: Hey, you better mind your manners.
Kirk: Oh relax, cupcake, it was a joke.
Cadet: Hey farmboy. Maybe you can't count. But there are four of us and one of you.
Kirk: So get some more guys and then it'll be an even fight.

Classic.

marwelie

I'm easily amused but I heard this one night at the Luas station and it cracked me up

Two lads having an argument, can't remember what about to be honest, but one lad says to the other "Have you always been this stupid or have you practiced?" I know I should have been minding my own business but it was hilarious.

Fratton Fred

On our wedding night, my wife and myself stripped naked in front of each other for the first time.

She stared me in the eye and then slowly let her gaze drop slowly down my body. When she reached my midrift, she slowly raised her hand, pointing and exclaiming "who the **** do you think you're going to satisfy with THAT!!

To which I simply replied

"Who???"
"Me of course"





This may not actually be true.

kwinabeeste

On a working summer thingy in Canada talking at lunch with all the Canadians. Couple of guys were in some theme park over the weekend and were raving about the new rollercoaster.

Canadian 1: The coaster was so cool! the loops etc ad nauseum.
Canadian 2: It was the best feeling ever!

Me: You're a virgin then?

Everyone at the tabl pissed themselves for bout 5 mins..

El Siglo

I remember working in London for the summer there about two years ago and some of the English people took the piss out of me, the whole Paddy Irishman sort of shit. So I said; "ah it's alright, sure ye took our land but we bombed your pubs" - I said this when we were out having a few jars in the local, only one aul fella in the group laughed the rest were just silent.:D

we'llallhavetea_old

El Siglo wrote: »

I remember working in London for the summer there about two years ago and some of the English people took the piss out of me, the whole Paddy Irishman sort of shit. So I said; "ah it's alright, sure ye took our land but we bombed your pubs" - I said this when we were out having a few jars in the local, only one aul fella in the group laughed the rest were just silent.:D

you're lucky they didnt break your jaw!

Co45

El Siglo wrote: »

I remember working in London for the summer there about two years ago and some of the English people took the piss out of me, the whole Paddy Irishman sort of shit. So I said; "ah it's alright, sure ye took our land but we bombed your pubs" - I said this when we were out having a few jars in the local, only one aul fella in the group laughed the rest were just silent.:D

What a scummy thing to say. If you said that in front of me I'd just be ashamed.

gernon

Darksaga87 wrote: »

Will someone upload the youtube video of the athlone knackers shouting at each other on the street? there are some class come backs in that.

I would but im in work and get on youtube!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8C7ZTbsF-E

Is this what ye seek my son

classy stuff alright

candlegrease

I told my friend a joke that he didn't think was funny but I was laughing pretty hard.

My friend: How come you always laugh at your own jokes? I never laugh at mine

Me: That's because they're not funny

Charlie.

The best retort I ever witnessed was on a bus home from school a few years ago.

There was a group of loudmouth boys who would always make nasty remarks to this one particular boy (lets call him Ian). Ian was quite and never answered back.
It was the last day of term and it was coming up to Ian's stop, he got up and started to walk towards the front of the bus. One of the gang (lets call him Joe) got up and started walking behind him, shouting abuse and laughing at him.
Ian as usual didn't flinch, kept walking towards the front of the bus, bus stopped, door opened and he walks down the first step, Joe sits down in the front seat preparing to make gestures to him as the bus pulls off, he shouts one last remark.

Ian turns around, comes back up the steps and says "You think that's funny, you think you're funny, well laugh at this" and spits in Joe's face. The bus erupts with laughter and cool as a cucumber Ian walks of the bus. Joe sat in that seat in shock the rest of the way home.

Agonist

Not a comeback exactly but... I bumped into Gerry Adams and his entourage one day when he was out canvassing. As he shook my hand I glanced down and said "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

bonerm

Agonist wrote: »

Not a comeback exactly but... I bumped into Gerry Adams and his entourage one day when he was out canvassing. As he shook my hand I glanced down and said "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

Probably just glad to see you if he's anything like the brother.

Midnight_EG

Charlie. wrote: »

The best retort I ever witnessed was on a bus home from school a few years ago.

There was a group of loudmouth boys who would always make nasty remarks to this one particular boy (lets call him Ian). Ian was quite and never answered back.
It was the last day of term and it was coming up to Ian's stop, he got up and started to walk towards the front of the bus. One of the gang (lets call him Joe) got up and started walking behind him, shouting abuse and laughing at him.
Ian as usual didn't flinch, kept walking towards the front of the bus, bus stopped, door opened and he walks down the first step, Joe sits down in the front seat preparing to make gestures to him as the bus pulls off, he shouts one last remark.

Ian turns around, comes back up the steps and says "You think that's funny, you think you're funny, well laugh and this" and spits in Joe's face. The bus erupts with laughter and cool as a cucumber Ian walks of the bus. Joe sat in that seat in shock the rest of the way home.

'Ian' is a scumbag tbh.

brummytom

El Siglo wrote: »

I remember working in London for the summer there about two years ago and some of the English people took the piss out of me, the whole Paddy Irishman sort of shit. So I said; "ah it's alright, sure ye took our land but we bombed your pubs" - I said this when we were out having a few jars in the local, only one aul fella in the group laughed the rest were just silent.:D

The IRA blew up two pubs in Birmingham and killed 21 innocent people.

How the fuck is that funny?

dublin 16 lad

brummytom wrote: »

The IRA blew up two pubs in Birmingham and killed 21 innocent people.

How the fuck is that funny?

I agree, what the **** were you thinking!?

Lucky not a get a box

Teferi

Not mine but this girl I know just updated her status on facebook to say

"if artists didnt write songs about love, what would they write about??????????"

And my mate said

"Being shot, 9 times!"

I lol'd

Darksaga87

Midnight_EG wrote: »

'Ian' is a scumbag tbh.

I have to disagree on that.

Midnight_EG

Darksaga87 wrote: »

I have to disagree on that.

So if I hocked up a nice big green one you'd laugh at it as it flew towards your face?

Dubs

Back in the school one of the lads came up to one of the less popular kids who was eating lunch and said something along the lines of "you fcuking weirdo". The other guy smacked him across the face with his lunchbox and continued eating.

Not really a retort but a "thud" has never sounded so funny.

Darksaga87

i love this vid, fuppin legends!!

minidazzler

The Day: May 2009.

The Place: Preachers Bar in Cork

The Event: My Birthday.

My friends were taking the piss out of me for a few reasons and one of them was saying something he alleges my sister did, which I object to. He kept going on about it something which I have warned him against and he was saying it while I took a good deep drink of my pint.

I put down the glass, looked at all the lads in the eye and then looked back at my friend Cian.

I looked him dead in the eye and said "John fúcked your sister" Completely monotone, and directly to him.

With that my friends erupted, except for John, my friend and Cian's best friend.

Cian didn't know John had fcuked Cians sister and the look of utter disbelief on his face was brilliant.

John gave me a dig, and Cian made a swift exit soon after!

Was quite epic!

Darksaga87

Midnight_EG wrote: »

So if I hocked up a nice big green one you'd laugh at it as it flew towards your face?

If i was a nasty little sh!t on a bus shouting abuse, i prob deserved it.

Midnight_EG

Darksaga87 wrote: »

If i was a nasty little sh!t on a bus shouting abuse, i prob deserved it.

But would you like it?

Do you think verbal abuse requires physical retaliation?

we'llallhavetea_old

Darksaga87 wrote: »

If i was a nasty little sh!t on a bus shouting abuse, i prob deserved it.

i agree, the little prick deserved it