Your finest retort

genericguy

girlfriend's brother was once acting the hard man in front of his mates, saying "don't mind genericguy, he's only a queer..." so i turned around, and said "yep, well for a gay guy i'm pretty good with women, because i just rode your sister in your bed."

i was fairly pleased with that one, i must say.

Soldie

"You're a towel!"

WeeBushy

Last weekend I was outside a pub with my friend who was having a smoke and I overheard this conversation..

Girl: Hi, you wouldn't have a spare cigarette?
Guy:Yeah sure, here you go
Girl: Thanks a mill
Guy: So... are you here looking for sex?
Girl (taken by surprise): No! I'm here with my boy friend actaully
Guy: Oh... Well then give me my cigarette back

It was surreal. We were in stitches.

BigDuffman

Your owl one is a retort!

*Cringe for OP*

smegmar

Narky soulless bítch of a manager after actively ignoring her all day.

Her: What's your problem with me?

Me: It's not my job to like you!
(turn and walk away)

Her: actually it is (hurr durrr durp dee durp)

I turn and say
Me: If it's someone's job to like you, you must be a horrible person.

Quit the job that day, never felt better

D.Q

in this manky oul pub.

Very "regular" sort of place, some old man sitting drinking by himself at the bar. (You know the type)

Three Japanese tourists interrupt the calm, they were in looking for local attractions, put the guide books down on the bar, and started saying loudly, "we can't find it, we cant find it"

the oul lad takes a long swig of the black stuff and goes, "yis found pearl harbour easily enough"

The Face Kicker

I'm going to kick your face so hard, plastic surgeons will refuse to look at you.

gmonov1

a good few years ago in school, we were in class waiting for the teacher to arrive in, im turned around in my seat talking to my mate behind me. anyway i felt a bit of wind coming on so i reared up and let a fart go, just as the teacher was walking in the door. he knew the fart had come from our corner of the room but didnt know who had done it, so he marched over tryin to look cross. he said 'someones a smelly bastard, then looked at me and said whos the smelly bastard then?' knowing the eyes of the class were on me i couldn't resist saying 'your wife':D:D:D
that bought me a weeks suspension


By the way, OP, you sir are a joke

NoDice

Assh0le: "Hur hur hur what a sh1t comeback!"

Fantastic me: "Oh yeah? I'll come on your back!!"

Shuts them up everytime!

Sod'o swords

One business class back in the day, the teacher asked the two types of market research. Someone said Desk research and the teacher asked what are the benefits of it, the lad told her "It's cheap and easy" then I, saying to myself expecting no one to hear, just calmy said "So is, your mother". The whole class had just gone silent before hand so everyone heard, and even the teacher was in stiches.

What was probably funniest about it all is that i was one of the 'quiet' people in the class, which in other words, means i had the mental capacity greater than that of a goat.

jd007

Sod'o swords wrote: »

One business class back in the day, the teacher asked the two types of market research. Someone said Desk research and the teacher asked what are the benefits of it, the lad told her "It's cheap and easy" then I, saying to myself expecting no one to hear, just calmy said "So is, your mother". The whole class had just gone silent before hand so everyone heard, and even the teacher was in stiches.

So simple yet so brilliant!

bonkers

i've got a handy laminated card that i have in my wallet for when i need a good comeback.. always use it

here are some of them

1)Hi..i'm a human being.What r u?
2)Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3)As an outsider what do u think of the human race?
4)I'd like to kick u in the teeth then again why should i improve ur looks.
5)Brains aren't everything..In fact in your case they are nothing.
6)Careful now..don't let ur brains go to ur head.
7)If i had a face like yours..i'd sue my parents.
8)Keep talking..someday you'll say something intelligent.
9)Fellows like you don't grow from trees,they swing from them..
10)You are a living proof that man can live without brains.
11)Hey how come ur here? i thought the zoo is closed at night.
12)How did u get here?Did someone leave ur cage open.

jd007

-"I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!"

-"haha you eat pieces of shit for breakfast!"

Sleepy

Charlie. wrote: »

He wasn't supposed to like it!
Of course I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't like my life being made hell for months either, that little sh1t deserved everything he got! He had bullied Ian since the start of the year..name calling...pushing..hiding his schoolbag...it was going on for months.

The way I see it, if ya can give it ya gotta be prepared to take it! What should he have done, he had turned the other cheek for long enough!

Jaysus if they're givin your mate stick for spitting I wonder what they'd make of a fella I was in school with! In my final year of school one of the quietest guys in the year finally snapped at a guy who'd been giving him grief since first year.

It took 3 of us to pull him away from punching the guy after he'd already knocked him unconcious. The nice guy was never touched again and the bully became a laughing stock for finally getting his (well deserved) comeuppance. Same quiet guy went on to join the army, serve in the Lebanon and I can pretty much guarantee there aren't too many who'd try give him grief these days!

NothingMan

Sleepy wrote: »

It took 3 of us to pull him away from punching the guy after he'd already knocked him unconcious. The nice guy was never touched again and the bully became a laughing stock for finally getting his (well deserved) comeuppance. Same quiet guy went on to join the army, serve in the Lebanon and I can pretty much guarantee there aren't too many who'd try give him grief these days!

If the wrong person bullies anyone long enough it'll happen. When I was in school there was this absolute scummy prick who use to spit at me, never on me, whenever I would say anything to him his other bigger friends would step in so I basically just ignored him and got on with life.

Was walking to work one day and he was on his own and I heard him hocking up a big one, before I even knew what I was doing I had him held by the throat against a shutter just screaming at him with him trying to punch me. After a few minutes (probably 20 seconds) I threw him on the ground and he got up and walked speedily away.

I heard in work the next day that a group of lads came in asking if I was in and I was pretty worried I'd get my head kicked in but nothing ever happened. Saw the guy a few months later walking towards me and he almost got hit by a car crossing the street to avoid walking by me.

mathie

Talking with a few of the lads in work and we see a good looking girl in the canteen. One of the lads goes 'Yeah I was talking to her a few times.'
We starting going 'Oh yeah right pull the other one.'
He goes 'Yeah I've got a few "Hellos" from her.'
I go <pretending to pick up a phone> 'Hello? Hello? Hello?'

And if you're reading this 'Hi Mr F!'

witty username

My brother and his mates went into Bruxelles one saturday afternoon a few years ago. Brendan Grace was downstairs with a wee entourage of oul' ones. The lads had all gone into town on the bikes so it was full leathers all round, bike lids etc. As they were at the bar ordering, there was a bit of quiet for a sec between songs on the juke box and Brendan Grace shouts out: "Hey lads, is this where all the gay bikers hang out?" and gets a laugh from the oul' ones.
One of my brother's mates piped up and said "No, this is where all the washed up comedians hang out"....
The next song started playing right after so Brendan Grace didn't even get a chance at a comeback. He actually went up to them a while later and said fairplay to them, they'd got him good....

spinandscribble

chakotha wrote: »

"What are you looking at?"

"I don't know but it's looking back"

i just died laughing heehee
Simple but just so affective. nice.

Fukuyama

This is ages ago... I was still in school.

We got this student teacher in for a few weeks. Anyway, he was acting a little too big for his boots one day by being some nazi prick. :eek:

One fella was whispering to another. The teacher told him to stop. HE acknowledged the teacher but turned to have one last quick little whisper.

The student teacher, a little unnerved by a person not doing as he said, raised an eybrow in warning and said
"don't milk it"

To which the student turned and said, "Yeah sir, SUPER-MILK IT!!"

The entire class was ins tiches and the teacher went red. I believe he got a little less strict after that

tech77

Bonito wrote: »

Ok everyone hit me with it. I want a full blown story with these ones and I don't care how late it is. Commit to the thread. I want to know what was the best back answer you had to someone. Whether it was someone trying to start a fight or whatever and you shut them up with something extremely epic! I'm talking about the kinda sentence that makes you turn around, hold up your chin, strut it away while walking and then not being able to help smile and say to yourself "Yehhhhh motherf****Er"

Mine was when I was in secondary school in Biology. One of the "popular" ppl decided to make nasty references to my gorgeous highlighted blonde locks (naturally highlighted from the sun while I was in Spain) he was jealous because mine looked more awesome than his :cool:

I got fed, I booted my stool down the classroom, walked up to his desk and slammed my hands down (in full view of the class) and said "Yano somethin, I can't stand you, half the people in here laugh at your stupidity and not because you're funny, they're laughing AT you and not WITH you. Wanna know what you are? You know when you've gone out for dinner and had a nice juicy steak or that delicious chicken and ham? Yeh? Well, you're that annoying bastard of a piece of meat that gets stuck between your teeth and does your head in for the rest of the fúcking day trying to get it out when you haven't got a toothpick! Now, you keep pissing me off and I swear I'll get a toothpick, so stop annoying me! Are we clear?"

I then picked my stool up and sat down in awe of the teacher and a completely silent open-mouthed classroom, I was last leaving the class and she simply winked and smiled and said "don't let rubbish like that get to you"

Your turn peeps

Why were you in awe of your teacher?

Aren't retorts usually snappy btw?

tech77

magma69 wrote: »

Don't know the best comeback I have ever made tbh. Probably along the lines of "what...ever!" but I read this recently and it provided me with a chuckle:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender , running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: ' Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q : 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex , and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter!

That's sounds like a joke but it's brilliant.

gmonov1

hayf wrote: »

i've got a handy laminated card that i have in my wallet for when i need a good comeback.. always use it

here are some of them

1)Hi..i'm a human being.What r u?
2)Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3)As an outsider what do u think of the human race?
4)I'd like to kick u in the teeth then again why should i improve ur looks.
5)Brains aren't everything..In fact in your case they are nothing.
6)Careful now..don't let ur brains go to ur head.
7)If i had a face like yours..i'd sue my parents.
8)Keep talking..someday you'll say something intelligent.
9)Fellows like you don't grow from trees,they swing from them..
10)You are a living proof that man can live without brains.
11)Hey how come ur here? i thought the zoo is closed at night.
12)How did u get here?Did someone leave ur cage open.

WOW. where did you get that card id love one of my own, they are all killer:rolleyes:

caseyann

I don't know i always find my finest retort is when i smile politely laugh and say nothing and don't let anyone bother me
The trouble maker always seems to get more annoyed and completely sick by fact they cant get my back up :cool:
Whats the saying kill them with kindness :P

partyatmygaff

Apparently in our school there was a bullying case that was so bad that the bully got a hammer to the side of the face by the quiet guy that was being bullied. The bully got expelled and the one being bullied only got a 1 week suspension. Justice.

caseyann

partyatmygaff wrote: »

Apparently in our school there was a bullying case that was so bad that the bully got a hammer to the side of the face by the quiet guy that was being bullied. The bully got expelled and the one being bullied only got a 1 week suspension. Justice.

Hammer :eek:

In my school one of the girls bashed another girls head against the radiators.Both bullies so i don't know what you would call that

bonkers

gmonov1 wrote: »

WOW. where did you get that card id love one of my own, they are all killer:rolleyes:

over the years ive either come up with these beauties or heard them from films such as top secret and st elmos fire. I decided that i would be better off to type them out and laminate them incase i got some marmalade on them and ruined it..

i can make one for you, but first I would need to meet you and make sure you would use them as self defence and not for attacking someone.

Pedro K

Was once walking home after a nights bozing with some of my mates, a car pulled up and the driver sticks his head out the window and says, 'how are yas lads, We're the guards'

to which I replied,

'alright guards, we're the lads'

gamgsam

bonerm wrote: »

I remember once when I was younger I got lost out in the countryside. As I tried to make it back to town I found myself getting more and more lost until before long was pitch black and I had no idea where I was goin. Eventually I found myself back on the path to town. As I came upon a crossroads a strange man approached me. He eyed me up and down before saying :

"You fight like a dairy farmer!"

After thinking about this strange & insulting comment for several seconds I replied "How appropriate. You fight like a cow!"

1-0 to me.

Haha that's brilliant! What the hell was he on about though?

fizzynicenice

was on henry st and as usuall was asked "have you got a minute for concern?"
to which I replied, "No, have YOU got concern for my minute?"
ZING

LiNgWiStIkZ

Pedro K wrote: »

Was once walking home after a nights bozing with some of my mates, a car pulled up and the driver sticks his head out the window and says, 'how are yas lads, We're the guards'

to which I replied,

'alright guards, we're the lads'

Sounds a bit familiar..

Overheard in Cork?:cool: