Your finest retort

Bonito · 08-02-2010 12:49am #1

Ok everyone hit me with it. I want a full blown story with these ones and I don't care how late it is. Commit to the thread. I want to know what was the best back answer you had to someone. Whether it was someone trying to start a fight or whatever and you shut them up with something extremely epic! I'm talking about the kinda sentence that makes you turn around, hold up your chin, strut it away while walking and then not being able to help smile and say to yourself "Yehhhhh motherf****Er"

Mine was when I was in secondary school in Biology. One of the "popular" ppl decided to make nasty references to my gorgeous highlighted blonde locks (naturally highlighted from the sun while I was in Spain) he was jealous because mine looked more awesome than his :cool:

I got fed, I booted my stool down the classroom, walked up to his desk and slammed my hands down (in full view of the class) and said "Yano somethin, I can't stand you, half the people in here laugh at your stupidity and not because you're funny, they're laughing AT you and not WITH you. Wanna know what you are? You know when you've gone out for dinner and had a nice juicy steak or that delicious chicken and ham? Yeh? Well, you're that annoying bastard of a piece of meat that gets stuck between your teeth and does your head in for the rest of the fúcking day trying to get it out when you haven't got a toothpick! Now, you keep pissing me off and I swear I'll get a toothpick, so stop annoying me! Are we clear?"

I then picked my stool up and sat down in awe of the teacher and a completely silent open-mouthed classroom, I was last leaving the class and she simply winked and smiled and said "don't let rubbish like that get to you"

Your turn peeps

Dudess · 08-02-2010 12:51am

"Takes one to KNOW one!" :cool:

Sarky · 08-02-2010 12:51am

That wasn't a retort. That was him winning.

IvySlayer · 08-02-2010 12:51am

'So's your face!!'

drunkmonkey · 08-02-2010 12:52am

In a pub, Garda raided it, asked us our names, my mate looked at me, then looked at the Garda, then blurted out Shergar, we legged it never to be seen by that Garda again:)

Bonito · 08-02-2010 12:53am

Sarky wrote: »

That wasn't a retort. That was him winning.

"You wanna know what you are? Yano when you've gone out for dinner and....."

You know the rest :cool:

I believe I won because he shut his pie hole afterwards for the remainder of the year.

Abi · 08-02-2010 12:54am

No you are!!

ha.

Bonito · 08-02-2010 12:56am

Abigayle wrote: »

No you are!!

ha.

I thought yours would have been "Oh yeh well I'm fúckin your dad, the gardnur, the bread man (and got a yeast infection, Oh the irony) and your sis"

BluesBerry · 08-02-2010 12:56am

"I know ya are but what am I"

)why is there 2 smilies sticking out tongue)

Professey Chin · 08-02-2010 12:56am

"I swear ill get a toothpick........"

............youre actually proud of this retort

Bonito · 08-02-2010 12:57am

Ultimate Chin wrote: »

"I swear ill get a toothpick........"

............youre actually proud of this retort

In a word, yes.

Retr0gamer · 08-02-2010 12:59am

Your Ma's your Da

4zn76tysfajdxp · 08-02-2010 12:59am

Red_Marauder · 08-02-2010 1:00am

I was giving a mate of mine the finger (very unlike me but anyway) and I accidentally gave him the wrong (smaller) finger. He said 'wrong finger jerkface and I said
"Yeah, I'm saving this one for your mother" I lol'd.

I proved a mate wrong over a long running argument we'd been having and after he'd conceded I said "were you always that stupid, or did someone fúck you stupid and you stayed that way?"

wow this thread is just a whole lot of jerking off on ourselves isnt it....

Helix · 08-02-2010 1:00am

Bonito wrote: »

"You wanna know what you are? Yano when you've gone out for dinner and....."

You know the rest :cool:

I believe I won because he shut his pie hole afterwards for the remainder of the year.

only coz nothing he could possibly have said would have made you look like any more of a complete tosspot than you had just managed yourself

4zn76tysfajdxp · 08-02-2010 1:01am

Bonito wrote: »

Mine was when I was in secondary school in Biology.

Where's that?

Creamy Goodness · 08-02-2010 1:02am

I am rubber, you are glue. What bounces off me, sticks to you!

Bonito · 08-02-2010 1:03am

Ingrid Shapely Hitter wrote: »

Where's that?

Just next to maths and around the corner from physics in the corridor with the green carpet

AlmightyCushion · 08-02-2010 1:04am

Helix wrote: »

only coz nothing he could possibly have said would have made you look like any more of a complete tosspot than you had just managed yourself

Banned.

magma69 · 08-02-2010 1:05am

Don't know the best comeback I have ever made tbh. Probably along the lines of "what...ever!" but I read this recently and it provided me with a chuckle:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender , running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: ' Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q : 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex , and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter!

Red_Marauder · 08-02-2010 1:05am

By text, its my birthday

Girlfriend: On train, cant wait to see you

Me: In my room, cant wait til theres minus eight inches between us

I was being modest..that was just girth (pops collar)/ joke

Bonito · 08-02-2010 1:06am

Red_Marauder wrote: »

By text, its my birthday

Girlfriend: On train, cant wait to see you

Me: In my room, cant wait til theres minus eight inches between us

I was being modest..that was just girth (pops collar)/ joke

Brilliant

artanevilla · 08-02-2010 1:07am

No, YOU'RE gay.

Gone West · 08-02-2010 1:22am

@op: what a crap retort!

Bonito · 08-02-2010 1:24am

el judìo wrote: »

@op: what a crap retort!

If you're not going to contribute to the thread you know where the door is!

Bonito · 08-02-2010 1:25am

Bonito wrote: »

If you're not going to contribute to the thread you know where the door is!

Is that one good enough for you?^^^^^^^ Had your nice little whinge about something you didn't like?

AlmightyCushion · 08-02-2010 1:26am

Bonito wrote: »

If you're not going to contribute to the thread you know where the door is!

He is contributing to the thread. You might not be happy with his contribution but he is still contributing.

Hank_Jones · 08-02-2010 1:27am

That's what she said!

4zn76tysfajdxp · 08-02-2010 1:28am

Bonito wrote: »

If you're not going to contribute to the thread you know where the door is!

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

He is contributing to the thread. You might not be happy with his contribution but he is still contributing.

Uh oh...

Pygmalion · 08-02-2010 1:28am

Once someone posted about a specific topic in AH and I pointed him to the relevant forum with a little ASCII arrow.

Pyr0 · 08-02-2010 1:33am

A mate of mine was talking to a guy in Belfast who was saying he's mate was in the armed response unit of the PSNI. A scumbag holding a steel poll walked up to him while he was standing there with a submachine gun during a riot and said "That isn't even loaded, you can't do anything to hurt me" while he waved the poll about. His mate then smashed him in the face with the butt of the gun and said "Yeah it isn't loaded but it still f*cking hurts doesn't it ?".

He had a massive report to fill up, said it was worth it though.

OutlawPete · 08-02-2010 1:44am

Back in '94 I was dropping few mates off at The Pod on Harcourt St.

The lads jumped out and just me and a friend were left in the car and just as we drove ten yards down Harcourt St two branch cars pulled alongside the car and in front of me, sirens blaring, lights .. nightmare.

Didn't even ask me to get out of the car but pulled us both from the car saying 'Where's the gear lads'.

Apparently, they'd been looking out the window of the station there and seen the lads chatting to my mate forcing me to take money for the lift and me saying 'No' and giving it back and put 2 and 2 together and got 10.

So there we were and the emptied the boot, car mats, spare wheel, glove box, jackets - everything.

At this stage more branch had come on the scene and intoduced themselves as the Drug Squad but the original branch guy that pulled me from the car kept calling the two of us names like 'Smart Boy' and 'Big Men' as we were saying were just dropping people off :rolleyes:

Eventually all the cops just stood around as this one guard laughed at us putting the wheel back in the boot and mats and jackets and car jack. There must have been a dozen of them with real belly laughs at their fellow Guard ribbing away at us.

Then just as we were finished and ready to go he throws my mates jacket in the boot on top of the spare wheel and slams the boot shut and says 'Now, f**k off lads and if your seen back driving around here your for it".

I just looked at him in shock, mouth open and slowly said..

"What did you do that for?? You've just locked my keys in the boot!"

He stared blankly at me and went pale and looked at all the guards and back at me and stuttered and mumbled for a sec before I just smiled sarcastically, pullled them from my jeans pocket and said..

"No wait, here they are" and walked to the car as every single one of the guards broke their bollox laughing at him.

Duggy747 · 08-02-2010 1:45am

A friend of mine used to always joke about my sister being pregnant and that the impending baby was his, much lulz on his part.

We all used to give him stick for going out with a then-17 year old when he was 22, he didn't like it much. He moved over to England with her working and we didn't see him for a few months.

So he came back one Xmas and went to the lads flat where we all met up to go out. I came in and sat down beside him to which the 1st thing he said was:

Him: "So Duggy.....................hows my child?"
Me: "You tell me, you're living in England in with her." (referring to the girlfriend)

The room erupted in laughter and a tirade of abuse came from everyone for a good 15 minutes. He left that flat a destroyed man. :pac:

Another tme I got him back over something when we were at a nite-club and he was holding the other half's hand. I got her to play along and sneakily switch her hand with mine, he was never the wiser as I stood beside him chatting to him for 2 minutes as we held hands. He stared to rub me hand with his finger upon which I aborted immediately by raising our hands to his face, he went sick in the head!!

I couldn't stop laughing all nite :P Ah, memories!

dublin 16 lad · 08-02-2010 1:50am

Myself and a few mates were on the way back from town on the nightlink. We were sitting near the back and there was another group sitting up near the front. The bus was packed.

One of the other group shouted down to us " No luck with the women tonight lads yis fags?" thinking he was great. We didn't even bother respond cause they were dodgey looking ****ers.

Five miutes later he shouts down again: "Still thinking of a comeback are yis?"

To which my mate replied: "If I wanted come back I'd take it back off your aul ones chin"

The whole bus full of drunkards heard the exchange and erupted with laughter, needless to say your man didn't have a word to say for the rest of the journey

Was epic

Gone West · 08-02-2010 2:03am

Bonito wrote: »

If you're not going to contribute to the thread you know where the door is!

Ok I will break it down for you. I'll try to be nice.
Basically some guy was laughing at you, so you went crazy, kicked your chair, slammed your hands down, drama etc.
Then you went on some mad rant that didn't really make much sense about meat and something about a cocktail stick. (BTW was that supposed to be a vague threat or something?)

The teacher didn't react probably because the whole scene was so lame, and he/she was probably trying VERY hard not to just laugh at you. (yes, at you, not with you, to use your own highly original line.)

Then for you to start a thread on a busy internet board claiming that this was your best "Zing!". Well, I'm sorry but people are going to have to let you know that it was crap. Sarky said this a little more concisely than I did.

token smiley.

But good point, I should contribute, so heres a good one:

So there was two fat knacker girls in pyjamas walking down Henry St, they see a youngfella up from the country in worn country garb. They yell at him, "hey mista' where di' ya get yar jumpar? In the dump or somethin'?"
So he walks on by, turns around and looks them both up and down from behind. He says "Hey girls, where did you two get those arses? McDonalds?"

Bonito · 08-02-2010 2:14am

el judìo wrote: »

Ok I will break it down for you. I'll try to be nice.
Basically some guy was laughing at you, so you went crazy, kicked your chair, slammed your hands down, drama etc.
Then you went on some mad rant that didn't really make much sense about meat and something about a cocktail stick. (BTW was that supposed to be a vague threat or something?)

Where did I say I went crazy? I was calm the whole time.

The teacher didn't react probably because the whole scene was so lame, and he/she was probably trying VERY hard not to just laugh at you. (yes, at you, not with you, to use your own highly original line.)

The teacher didn't react because she was shocked. When I was in school I was there to learn not act the prick like some of the wasters. I was quiet in class, I kept myself to myself and didn't bother anyone so they seen me as an easy picking but **** themselves seeing me blow my top on one occassion outside of school.

Then for you to start a thread on a busy internet board claiming that this was your best "Zing!".

Sorry but I'll start a thread on whatever dam well pleases and interests me.

Well, I'm sorry but people one person who has nothing better to do with their time than to argue with a stranger on an internet forum are going to have to let you know that it was crap. Sarky said this a little more concisely than I did.
token smiley.

Fixed that for you :rolleyes:

But good point, I should contribute, so heres a good one:

Glad you agree.

So there was two fat knacker girls in pyjamas walking down Henry St, they see a youngfella up from the country in worn country garb. They yell at him, "hey mista' where di' ya get yar jumpar? In the dump or somethin'?"
So he walks on by, turns around and looks them both up and down from behind. He says "Hey girls, where did you two get those arses? McDonalds?"

Now here's my opinion on your contribution. It was crap, everyone knows mc donalds don't sell giant stick on arses. :rolleyes:

Tar.Aldarion · 08-02-2010 2:16am

Hank_Jones wrote: »

That's what she said!

Only came so i could say that...

THATS WHAT SHE SAID

jd007 · 08-02-2010 2:17am

Bonito wrote: »

Where did I say I went crazy? I was calm the whole time.

You "booted your stool down the classrom" calmly?

Sofaspud · 08-02-2010 2:18am

Once, there was a guy in my class who I occasionally slagged a bit, as you do in your school days.
One day he went a bit mental at me, started shouting loads of crap about how he had chicken stuck in his teeth and he'd stab me with a toothpick if I didn't shut up or something.
So I says:
"Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, what a shit retort!"

That was a good 'un

Bonito · 08-02-2010 2:19am

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

Only came so i could say that...

THATS WHAT SHE SAID

What does someone say for you though?

"That's what she/he said"?

Or leave it at "That's what Tar said"?

Bonito · 08-02-2010 2:20am

jd007 wrote: »

You "booted your stool down the classrom" calmly?

Of course. It adds to the effect.

papajimsmooth · 08-02-2010 2:21am

I heard your sister started drinking again.

Bonito · 08-02-2010 2:22am

papajimsmooth wrote: »

I heard your sister started drinking again.

Only on the wknds

jd007 · 08-02-2010 2:39am

No, You're a retort stand!

Jimmy Iovine · 08-02-2010 2:43am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbbNJx2Efbw

Can't get much better than this

mahamageehad · 08-02-2010 2:50am

No offense op but i cringed when i read that. Physically!!

Bonito · 08-02-2010 2:52am

mahamageehad wrote: »

No offense op but i cringed when i read that. Physically!!

No worries none taken

Have you got one of your own to share with us?:D

Dean820 · 08-02-2010 2:54am

OP, you sound like the type to bring a gun to school some day.

Bonito · 08-02-2010 2:56am

Dean820 wrote: »

OP, you sound like the type to bring a gun to school some day.

Who says I didn't

mahamageehad · 08-02-2010 3:16am

Dean820 wrote: »

OP, you sound like the type to bring a gun to school some day.

I was just thinking the same thing!!! Haha!

As for me??? Probo have had some legend ones that I cant remember.

Hmmm... the latest one I remember happened about a week ago. This guy I know and despise was going out with my little sisters friend. It didn't last very long, and he blamed me for their breakup (about 2 weeks after they started i think). :rolleyes: Apparently I turned her against him. Everybody say..paranoia!! Haha.

I work in a local bar and he always played the sanctimonious, holier than thou, my body is a temple pioneer assho*e. Now i have nothing against pioneers... just against guys who hide peoples drinks when they're not looking, and lecture them about the evils of drink.

So he was trying to impress the girl one night in the shop where he works. I just so happened to be there at the same time and he decided his best tact would be to apologize to me. I grudgingly accepted..just to get out of there. Then he gave me the whole i never drink..i just drink lots of red bull....blah blah... so i kinda lost all miss nice girl.

I smiled at him and said O right sorry about that. I thought you drank sometimes. He was all like no no, i get mad hyper off red bull. So i gave him my cutest, sweetest smile and said Hmm so on stevens night when you passed out on the main street in a puddle of your own vomit, that was caused by red bull. Remember?? I'd get that checked out sweetie!! *Exit*

Haha it was just an epic kill of his chances that night. I'm not ashamed to say i did a little victory dance outside in the car!! Haha

Pdfile · 08-02-2010 3:52am

me and a mate on the bus ages ago:

Him: know any jokes

me: yeah ... *pregnant pause* look in the mirror

Got a fair few laughs by everyone around us

not sure if thats Finest or pure win though

Your finest retort

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