One-Liner Jokes

Nasty_Girl

edson wrote:

Why did Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seat belt....
...

condra

Post something like that again and you will get a nice shiny ban

Bio

BaZmO*

womoma wrote:

Post something like that again and you will get a nice shiny ban

Bio

Who'll get a ban? And why?

And who are you to say that anybody will get a ban? :rolleyes:

B.

Victor

Last edited by BioHazRd : Today at 07:56.

BioHazRd is mod

condra

ah - fair enough,- i posted a pretty crude joke..

although, people have already taken the piss out of lepracy, princess dianas death, rape and suicide already.. i wasnt sure exactly where the line is...... ...

ok heres a joke...

why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?

because they dropped out of school.

edson

womoma wrote:

Post something like that again and you will get a nice shiny ban

Bio

who are ya on about?

borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

edson

why is abbreviation such a long word?

eyebrows

how do u hide elephants in a jungle

paint his balls red and hide him in a cherry tree

whats the loudest noise in the jungle

giraffs eating cherrys

These are great but one was missing



How did Tarzan die?

Picking cherries.

DublinGal

did you hear the one about the sad pathetic loser?

his mother called him Seamus

Capt'n Midnight

There was the constipated mathematician who tried to work it out with a pencil but turned out he needed some log tables too..

Jim_Are_Great

What's black and yellow and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A black and yellow airport.

sci0x

Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

Capt'n Midnight

This End-User License is an agreement between Microsoft Corporation (hereafter referred to as "Microsoft") and you, the end-user (hereafter referred to as "our bitch").

Shabadu

sci0x wrote:

Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

This, and the one above it are not one-line jokes; mind you neither is this post.
Ba dum tschhh

Sarajka

Dyslexics of the world: Untie!

Dyslexic, athiest, insomniacs stay up all night wondering if there really is a doG.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the her cupboard to fetch her poor doggy a bone.
When she bent over, Rover came over and gave her a bone of his own.

sci0x

Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Sarajka

Dancing is good training for young women - it's the first time they learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it.

Deevious

2 nuns in a bath which one's the alcoholic??

The one with the Black bush!!

Capt'n Midnight

French Dockers rule, au quai.

Buttmunchy

I have just read through all of them. Genius! Yeah the one with the plane and the loaf of bread always makes me laugh :P

I just made this one up:

What is black and white and says "Moo"?














A Zebra that thinks it's a cow!

fred funk }{

Did you hear what Paul Mc Cartney bought his wife Heather Mills for her birthday? A plane...............................and a mach3 for her other leg!

BlitzKrieg

3 elephants jump off a cliff

2 hit the ground and one hit the ocean

BADUMM-TSSHHH


give it a few seconds...say it outloud.

BaZmO*

Silver Knight wrote:

Did you hear what Paul Mc Cartney bought his wife Heather Mills for her birthday? A plane...............................and a mach3 for her other leg!

What has 3 legs and lives on a farm?


The McCartney family!!!

B.

The Bollox

tbh I couldn't be bothered reading the whole lot, so if these have popped up already, which is more-than-likely, I am sorry

what gets bigger the more you take from it?

a hole

what gets weter the more you dry with it?

a towel

I know, they suck

the jew

what day is tomorrow: christmas day, wednesday or belanjuary

the jew

Peteee wrote:

what does DNA stand for...................




National Dyslexic association
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

no it doesn't it stands for

lkjafsgahuujhen

the jew

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
cos he fell

why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
cos he was stapled to the 1st monkey

why did the lada fall out of the tree?
cos a monkey was driving it

Shabadu

Bubbles?

Capt'n Midnight

the jew wrote:

what day is tomorrow: christmas day, wednesday or belanjuary

It's STAR WARS day !!!!

conal_

why does billy have no mates?

he's retarded


why does billy have lots of mates?

he has sweets



why does billy have no mates?

he ran out of sweets

sgske

Q. How did the eco-warrior die?
A. Waiting two years for a bypass.

Q. What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A. A headbanger!

Q. Why did the fans call their goalkeeper Cinderella?
A. Because she was always missing the ball!

Q. Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A. So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills!

dondonjordan

How did mary fall off the swing?
She has no arms.

Why didn't she get back up?
She has no legs.

Why didn't anyone help her?
She has no friends.

Why doesn't Mary have any friends?
Mary's fat.

dondonjordan

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

Why did the blonde take sand-paper to the desert?
She thought it was a map.

Why did the blond stick her head out the window of a moving car?
.......refill.

Adblock

what do u call a 3 legged donkey






a wonkey




whats red and sounds like parrot


a carrot.

Victor

Adblock wrote:

whats red and sounds like parrot

a carrot.

And what colour are carrots?

pwd

Victor wrote:

And what colour are carrots?

i don't get it

Squirrel

I'm colour blind and know they're not red

Rollo Tamasi

what do you call a gay dinosuar?
A megasourass

What do you call an invisible dinosuar?
Doyouthinkhesawus

pwd

they're orange.
and blood oranges are red.

spudington16

dondonjordan wrote:

How did mary fall off the swing?
She has no arms.

Why didn't she get back up?
She has no legs.

Why didn't anyone help her?
She has no friends.

Why doesn't Mary have any friends?
Mary's fat.

What did Mary get for Christmas?
Cancer!

the jew

Rollo Tamasi wrote:

what do you call a gay dinosuar?
A megasourass

What do you call an invisible dinosuar?
Doyouthinkhesawus

What do you call a sad bastard?
Rollo Tamasi

ricey

spudington16 wrote:

What did Mary get for Christmas?
Cancer!

FU€KIN SAD BAST5RD

eyebrows

Adblock wrote:

what do u call a 3 legged donkey


a wonkey

what do ya call a donkey in a tree?

a monkey.

(sorry it had to be said)

truncated spurs

did you hear about the donkey?
.....he made an ass of himself

tintinr35

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but
don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
food
in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A
beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste
funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home. '" "That
sounds
like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look
at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've
cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

chillywilly

my uncle joe was an angry man, he had printed on his tombstone: "what are you lookin at?"

i can resist everything but temptation.

im sorry if you didnt think these were funny but to be fair i was born at a very early age.

Capt'n Midnight

I used to date a blind girl. Her name was ::... ..:.: .:::. .::.. ....: .:.::

kawaii

why did the toilet roll roll down the hill???

to get to the bottom

...

Einstein

One dyslexic to another: Can you smell gas?
The other replies: Are you kidding I can hardly smell my own name..!

JMArr

didnt have time to read em all so may be repeating:

stand up guy in movie goodfella's- " take my wife ,please ! I take my wife everywhere but she always finds her way back home again!"

"Sex is the most honest ,beautiful and natural thing money can buy."-Steve Martin

not one-liners but funny (& old & sick):
Fred West is walking past the front window of his house with a black rubbish bag in his hands -shouts in the window to the wife -"Rose can you get me another bag , THE ARSE IS FALLIN OUT OF THIS ONE !!" ..GAHAHAHA

Fred West walks into a bar and says what kind of beer do you have ?
-barman says "Bud ,Carling and Heineken "
-fred says " ah thats a pity -"ID MURDER A FEW TENNENTS !"

Other sick ones
Did you hear about Michael Hutchence ?....He was well hung

Police raided Paula Yates house last night -they found ecstacy and amphetamines...but they couldnt find the other child.

I may be stuck in a time warp of some kind btw...