The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

joeguevara · 19-06-2020 10:41pm

Lads I’m taking the girlfriend out now. Told her I booked a table. Surprised she is looking forward to playing a few frames.

Capt'n Midnight · 19-06-2020 10:50pm

From when BBC2 first started transmitting in colour back in the day

Commentator Ted Lowe on Pot Black was helpful as always
"Steve is going for the pink ball - and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."

joeguevara · 19-06-2020 10:57pm

So which one of ye is this guy

https://youtu.be/n-rVtNQb5K0

TheBody · 20-06-2020 10:37pm

I played 'Bonopoly' today.

It's like 'Monopoly', but where the streets have no name.

ctrl-alt-delete · 21-06-2020 8:15pm

Not sure how it is deemed essential but I am still working away making plastic Draculas at my job. There are only two of us left on the production line though so i've got to make every second count.

coolhull · 22-06-2020 12:56pm

As I sat down with a beer, my wife said, "paint the fence, clean the car, fix the roof...?"

"Go to Paris, have sex with a model and stay sober," I replied.

"What the **** are you on about?" she snarled.

"Oh," I said, "I thought we were talking about things I'm not going to do today."

Deja Boo · 22-06-2020 6:34pm

The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder.

The little old man looked at the priest and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”

byrner88 · 22-06-2020 8:35pm

A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn-flakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

22-06-2020 10:10pm

A Polish guy was walking through New York when he was accosted by a gang of 5 who demanded all his money off of him.

Not willing to allow himself be mugged a scuffle ensued and he managed to hold his own for 5 minutes. He eventually got tired and was unable to fight them off.

After which he was turned upside-down and shaken until all the money fell out of his pockets onto the pavement. About a dozen or so coins hit the ground. The small sum was then counted up.

Member of gang: "4 dollars and 38cents! You fought that hard over 4 dollars 38 cents?"

Polish guy: "I thought you were after the 4 hundred dollars in my shoe

"

GBX · 25-06-2020 8:42pm

BREAKING NEWS..

Swimming pools to re-open, but, due to continued social distancing rules..there will be no water in lanes 2, 4 and 6..

everlast75 · 25-06-2020 10:59pm

Why did the Spanish guy take anti-anxiety medication?

For hispanic attacks...

28-06-2020 1:30am

These new 3DTVs are so realistic. I was watching the Liverpool celebrations and my fúcking wallet was stolen!!..

28-06-2020 8:56am

A blonde was telling her mate she got a job at a bowling alley.

"Tenpin?" her mate asked.

"No, it's permanent" replied the blonde.

28-06-2020 9:48pm

I only recently found out that Bruce Lee had a vegetarian brother

Broco Lee

everlast75 · 28-06-2020 10:54pm

Midwife for sale.

Can deliver.

Deja Boo · 28-06-2020 11:03pm

I once had a teacher with a lazy eye.

She couldn’t control her pupils.

01-07-2020 4:37pm

Going with a 'topical', slightly controversial one

An oldie but......

Q How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

A None, they just beat the room for being black :eek:

Pushin' da boundries be allowed in comedy :pac:

patmac · 01-07-2020 11:00pm

Gave up my job testing treadmills - just felt I was going nowhere fast...

The Princess Bride · 02-07-2020 1:14am

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
"A pint for me, and a pint for Tiny please. "

Barman asks, "why do you call him Tiny?"

"He's my newt."

byrner88 · 02-07-2020 1:36am

Two Irishmen clinging on to an iceberg, and Paddy yells, "we're saved, we're saved... here comes the Titanic!"

byrner88 · 02-07-2020 3:16am

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them

everlast75 · 02-07-2020 7:44am

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt...

Archaeologists believe it may be the famous 'Pharaoh Roche'

everlast75 · 03-07-2020 7:22am

How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?

"Pan'tene"

jimgoose · 03-07-2020 1:20pm

Irish Gummint: Binge-drinking is bad, mmm'kay?

Irish Gummint: You have 105 minutes. Gentlemen, start your engines.

Oscar1978 · 03-07-2020 4:16pm

Medical advisors are asking people to be wary of a new craze sweeping through where people put alcohol in women's privates and drink it with a straw. They said to avoid "minge drinking"

04-07-2020 4:05am

404 sleep not found!

joeguevara · 05-07-2020 12:50am

Just back from a ladyboy Bee Gees tribute act. The She He's. They were good but not as good as my favourite Bee Gees cover band the Bees Knees.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-07-2020 10:15am

My local Chinese takeaway has updated their menu. Anything 'Hong Kong Style' now comes battered.

frag420 · 08-07-2020 10:44pm

Was down at Tesco’s just now grabbing some crisps and a sandwich and the girl behind the counter asked if I wanted to go grab a drink? I told her I couldn’t as I had a girlfriend and she was like “no, it’s part of the meal deal”...

RobMc59 · 09-07-2020 10:47am

A woman is in court today for tippexing all the fullstops in books in her local library.

She's expecting a long sentence..

09-07-2020 2:10pm

A bloke walks into the library, goes up to the counter and asks the librarian:

"I'm looking for a book on underage dwarf sex. Have you any in?"

"How can you stoop so low!!! ?" the librarian responds.

"That's the one" he says.

I Am Nobody · 09-07-2020 4:11pm

What is the difference between a cheap hotel and wearing biker shorts?
No ballroom.

09-07-2020 4:50pm

^^^^^^^^^^^

Are those not commonalities, not differences

TheBody · 09-07-2020 4:58pm

I just joined the tourettes society. I get sworn in tomorrow.

everlast75 · 09-07-2020 6:46pm

BREAKING: Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England...

It's a massive Boost for the economy!

09-07-2020 8:23pm

If anyone knows how to get rid off ear wax please give me a shout!

Capt'n Midnight · 09-07-2020 9:57pm

Top Tip , if you get a peanut stuck in your ear ?

Pour in some hot chocolate and it'll come out a treat.

Capt'n Midnight · 09-07-2020 9:58pm

I had an earful of custard earlier. I was a trifle deaf.

Deja Boo · 09-07-2020 11:44pm

I named my ipod, the Titanic.

...it's currently syncing.

TheChevron · 10-07-2020 9:27pm

Heard a good joke about mosquitos earlier.

It was malarious.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-07-2020 12:24am

Chapman once became immersed in the study of dialectical materialism, particularly insofar as economic and social planning could be demonstrated to condition eugenics, birth-rates and anthropology. His wrangles with Keats lasted far into the night. He was particularly obsessed by the fact that in the animal kingdom, where there was no self-evident plan of ordered Society and where connubial relations were casual and polygamous, the breed prospered and disease remained of modest dimensions. Where there was any attempt at the imposition from without - and he instanced the scientific breeding of race-horses by humans - the breed prospered even more remarkably. He was not slow to point out that philosophers of the school of Marx and Engels had ignored the apparent necessity for ordered breeding on the part of humans as a concomitant to planning in the social and economic spheres. Was this, he once asked Keats, to be taken as evidence of superior reproductive selection on the part of, say, horses - or was it to be taken that a man of the stamp of Engels deliberately shirked an issue too imponderable for rationative evaluation?

The poet found this sort of thing boring, and frowned.
'Foals rush in where Engels feared to tread,' he said morosely.

- Flann O'Brien

Capt'n Midnight · 11-07-2020 12:28am

Keats once purchased a small Irish terrier, which he humorously named Byrne. The animal became a great favourite with the household, so you can imagine the consternation that greeted it's disappearance. Chapman and the servants searched high and low for the beast to no avail.

Keats, however, appeared unconcerned by the dog's disappearance and continued much as before, much to Chapman's annoyance. Chapman looked in on Keats one evening in the study. Keats had picked up the violin , a fair timber of the Stradivarian feciture, and was soon at work with chin and jaw. This annoyed Chapman, and he didn't hesitate to tell him so.

'And why' murmured Keats, ' should I not fiddle while Byrne roams?

- Flann O'Brien

Capt'n Midnight · 11-07-2020 11:16am

Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles, my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage.

Thirty years and not a crossword.

What size wood was used to build the Ark?

2 by 2.

The two prison guards tasked with keeping a close eye on Mrs. Maxwell have been given a special dispensation allowing them to bring their Labradors to work.

My friend was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.
I asked , "Didja redo it?"

TheBody · 11-07-2020 11:33am

My wife messed up my jigsaw so I called the police.

They've charged her with disturbing the pieces.

waynescales1 · 13-07-2020 12:46pm

Just a quick lesson on staying safe in the water at the beach this summer. It's possible while in the water to get tangled up in seaweed. Should this happen to you it's important to know the correct distress call....

"Kelp! Kelp! Keeeeeeeelp!".

Sheridan81 · 13-07-2020 1:28pm

I don't know why Trump and everyone else is so miffed that coronavirus spiralled out of control? What do you expect with Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend in charge?

joeguevara · 13-07-2020 1:30pm

Sheridan81 wrote: »

I don't know why Trump and everyone else is so miffed that coronavirus spiralled out of control? What do you expect with Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend in charge?

Won't get fooled again when you're talking about My Generation.

The Princess Bride · 15-07-2020 12:42am

Frank Sinatra was very fussy about the birds he kept in his aviary.
Pelicans or penguins weren't allowed.
Egrets? He had a few.

The Princess Bride · 15-07-2020 1:03am

Yesterday I saw an ad that said,
"Radio for sale, bargain at €5, volume stuck on full."

I thought, I can't turn that down!

fryup · 15-07-2020 10:27pm

Sheridan81 wrote: »

I don't know why Trump and everyone else is so miffed that coronavirus spiralled out of control? What do you expect with Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend in charge?

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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