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Hard to handle life right now.

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    #32
    Armchair Andy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭Armchair Andy


    Have you got anyone close to talk to outside of your wife? Not the answer to your problems but a good chat just to unload often helps.
    I'm betting your wife has hernia, it'll be a small procedure done in a jiffy.

    Best of luck and fair balls for coming here with it. Any humane person can see you're not having it easy.


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    #33
    RobertKK
    Registered Users Posts: 33,730 ✭✭✭✭RobertKK


    bear1, I know from my experience with my sister and her last pregnancy how stressful these situations can be, and the worry you and your wife have. It is only natural.
    My sister had her scan, they said something was wrong, had another scan and was told the heart of her unborn child was so messed up that it was likely when birth happened, the child would die within hours.
    She then had to have a test for down syndrome,which showed the child didn't have that, but she didn't mind it he did or didn't once he lived.
    It was such a rare heart condition that no other known cases of it exist in the country.
    So she went through the pregnancy very stressed and worrying all the time, her doctor was very supportive and would tell her the unborn's heartbeat was strong and while it is strong there is hope.
    So he was born via appointment, taken to Crumlin and now years later is living a normal life.

    The thing is you will worry and it will get to you, all you can do is hope and pray it is just the hernia. Take every day one day at a time, it is easy for all of us to let our minds wander and think of the worse and have ourselves feeling down. I don't know how to avoid that.
    All I can say is I am sorry for the situation you and your wife are in, but all you can do is hope for the best until you know for certain at what both of you are dealing with, maybe it won't be as bad as you were told.
    Only time will tell, but it good you did post, as getting stuff off your chest is always a good start when it comes to coping and accepting whatever it is, lets hope that is something minor.


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    #34
    Specialun
    Registered Users Posts: 3,068 ✭✭✭Specialun


    Sometimes even typing out your problems can help. If and its an if your baby is born different im sure you love him as much as you love the first child. Regarding work, speak to your boss. If it doesnt work look elsewhere. The unfortunate reality is that were here for a short time, sometimes life throws your a curveball but be strong. Work to live, not live to work.


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    #35
    Roger Hassenforder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,555 ✭✭✭Roger Hassenforder


    bear1 wrote: »
    Recently life just seems to be going down and down...

    You only have control over the work thing, so I'll start with that.
    Bosses are bosses. You have to manage up as well as manage down.
    If he/she has "turned against you", it might only be your perception, or they might have a reason. They might have their own problems, and taking it out on you. Forget any corporate bullying charters. Sit him/her down, and trash it out.
    Say how you feel.
    if the problem continues walk away. you sound qualified enough, you'll get something else. Your health is everything.

    Everyone is f**king skint! We both work and we're skint! one bill after another... after the other. Its relentless!

    the most important thing in all this is you and your family
    While you have to be there for her, you also have to be there for yourself, and she will want to be there for you. Its not all on you "to pick ourselves up". Women are surprisingly resilient. And a lot tougher than they look.
    Its not all stiff upper lip/man up. Its ok to be upset. it would be worse if you weren't.

    Get your second scan/3d scan. It might be just the hernia, or it might be a serious abnormality. If the latter, you and your wife have a very difficult decision to make. I cant advise you on that. (We were told at our first scan they could see a shadow on the brain, we were distraught, but the rescan showed nothing. Now she's 8, perfect, and breaking her arse beside me laughing at Pat and Jen minecraft videos.

    With a couple of young kids, here's some advice: Its not the expensive trips to Smyths for the next game, or expensive gadgets they want.
    They want to throw stones in a pond with their dad; they want to run in muck, and not worry about getting killed for getting filthy. They want to see whose stick floats down the river the fastest. They want to see who can hand of a branch longest. All they want is time with you.

    Get some exercise.
    You'd be surprised how a walk/run/cycle will make you feel.
    Bring the wife, she might enjoy it!

    I hope things improve soon.


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    #36
    The flying mouse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,915 ✭✭✭The flying mouse


    My heart goes out to you and your family Bear, You have got some good advice above so hopefully some good comes from it,Goodluck and sometimes and I have seen it, Afterhours is the best place to post.


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    #37
    HS3
    Closed Accounts Posts: 405 ✭✭HS3


    Really sorry to read your post OP. Hope you can sort out the boss situation. It's certainly serious enough to be taking it to some one higher up if possible.

    I get you re the bills. You get paid and you honestly feel like holding out your wallet and saying, here. .take what you want folks and leave me some change! It's crap!

    I'm really sorry to hear about the baby. The best of luck to yourself and your wife for Monday! xx


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    #38
    Motivator
    Registered Users Posts: 2,751 ✭✭✭Motivator


    I'm glad I clicked into this and read it. I'm going through some personal issues at the moment and reading what the OP is going through is putting it all into context. What's bothering me is nothing compared to what you're going through. It's very hard for me to comment on the concerns you have with your unborn child as I've never dealt with something like that and I don't mean to sound like a prick, but it's something I hope I never have to deal with - nobody should have that worry thrust upon them. However, I can off advice on the money issues.

    I'm going through something similar, constant worry regarding my bills. Everything seems to be going back out as soon as it comes in. In the past, payday got me excited and I would often have something nice planned for my wife in advance but nothing over the top. A nice meal and a few drinks would often be the treat on payday. In the last few months it's gone to the stage where I'm afraid to buy a bag of chips I worry that much. Every bill just seems to come together and when you least expect it you get a kick in the balls with a big bill.

    My advice to you is sit down, plan a month in advance, write every expenditure you can accurately calculate down on a piece of paper. Write down your monthly wage and start deducting. Then do it weekly; groceries, money spent on lunch, diesel etc.

    What I found myself doing the last 6 weeks is walking a lot more, I changed my diet, i changed my supermarket and changed basically everyday things that used to involve me spending €5 or €10 here and there. At the moment I'm not seeing any real change in my lifestyle and I'm saving about €70 a week. That's almost €300 a month and almost €3700 a year, my wife is doing the exact same and we reckon a year or so living without little luxuries that we have enjoyed in the past, will allow us to get ourselves sorted financially.

    I know you've a lot on your plate at the minute and sitting down to crunch numbers is probably not a priority but I promise it will help. You'll figure out where you make some small changes here and there and I guarantee you will feel a bit better. I'm not saving an awful lot with these changes but over time I will notice a difference in my finances.

    Every little helps, best of luck with everything.


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    #39
    Satriale
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,023 ✭✭✭Satriale


    I'm crap at advice Bear, but several years ago i nearly worried myself into the grave. I truly wish I could go back and tell myself to take it easy, it will work out for the best, but i cant, so I'm telling you. It will get better.
    Good luck!


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    #40
    bear1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,812 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    Motivator wrote: »
    I'm glad I clicked into this and read it. I'm going through some personal issues at the moment and reading what the OP is going through is putting it all into context. What's bothering me is nothing compared to what you're going through. It's very hard for me to comment on the concerns you have with your unborn child as I've never dealt with something like that and I don't mean to sound like a prick, but it's something I hope I never have to deal with - nobody should have that worry thrust upon them. However, I can off advice on the money issues.

    I'm going through something similar, constant worry regarding my bills. Everything seems to be going back out as soon as it comes in. In the past, payday got me excited and I would often have something nice planned for my wife in advance but nothing over the top. A nice meal and a few drinks would often be the treat on payday. In the last few months it's gone to the stage where I'm afraid to buy a bag of chips I worry that much. Every bill just seems to come together and when you least expect it you get a kick in the balls with a big bill.

    My advice to you is sit down, plan a month in advance, write every expenditure you can accurately calculate down on a piece of paper. Write down your monthly wage and start deducting. Then do it weekly; groceries, money spent on lunch, diesel etc.

    What I found myself doing the last 6 weeks is walking a lot more, I changed my diet, i changed my supermarket and changed basically everyday things that used to involve me spending €5 or €10 here and there. At the moment I'm not seeing any real change in my lifestyle and I'm saving about €70 a week. That's almost €300 a month and almost €3700 a year, my wife is doing the exact same and we reckon a year or so living without little luxuries that we have enjoyed in the past, will allow us to get ourselves sorted financially.

    I know you've a lot on your plate at the minute and sitting down to crunch numbers is probably not a priority but I promise it will help. You'll figure out where you make some small changes here and there and I guarantee you will feel a bit better. I'm not saving an awful lot with these changes but over time I will notice a difference in my finances.

    Every little helps, best of luck with everything.

    Very true re finances.
    Many of the posts here made me realise that money and work means **** all if your family is of ill health.
    It just literally means nothing. Work can be changed, your financial situation can be changed.
    But when you are faced with a situation whereby you are missing key limbs there is a currency out there that will rectify that problem.
    Again I must thank you all for your help in this, it's helped me more than you know.


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    #41
    meforever
    Registered Users Posts: 94 ✭✭meforever


    Bear......

    Let's start at the beginning....and let's keep it general....and non religious

    There are so many issues in life that cause us to " guess" on the side of probability. This is futile. We were all conceived on a mere speck of human DNA. Something happened ( hidden force, spirit, god, call it what you like ) This force could not be understood, seen or interpreted. It took control of everything for us and we were born into this wonderful world 10 months later. No expectations were sought or required. Our parents thanked God for the gift bestowed on them. We are all spiritual beings and connected to every other living being on this planet. It is therefore not a big leap for us to assume that nothing has limitations.

    Back to you Bear....Please refuse to be negetive. Take care of your good wife. She carries the greatest burden at this time. She must see a calm, loving, tender husband. Stay positive and that will have cause and effect on her. Convince her by your confidence that everything is OK. Note I said "OK" not going to be OK. That in turn will immediately offload the negetivity of the situation. Build back up her first and then you. This will allow for the greatest outcome.....

    PS....We know so little about our inner being......Trust the god within

    Regards Zen
    .


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    #42
    Motivator
    Registered Users Posts: 2,751 ✭✭✭Motivator


    bear1 wrote: »
    Very true re finances.
    Many of the posts here made me realise that money and work means **** all if your family is of ill health.
    It just literally means nothing. Work can be changed, your financial situation can be changed.
    But when you are faced with a situation whereby you are missing key limbs there is a currency out there that will rectify that problem.
    Again I must thank you all for your help in this, it's helped me more than you know.

    Money problems can be fixed, work situations can be fixed but at the end of the day your family are worth everything. Money isn't everything, it helps, but it only goes so far. In my case, thankfully money is the one thing worrying me at the moment but I've put some effort into making what I have go that bit further. I suggest you sit down and spend a few hours going over everything, BUT only after your worries with your loved ones subside.

    Money comes and goes, the same with work but the only constant in life is your family and the love of your family. I love my wife and nothing would ever change that. Whether I had millions or I lived on the street the love I have for my wife would still be the same. I get the feeling you feel the same about your wife. So my advice is, deal with work when you get a chance, deal with the bills as they come and forget them once they are paid.

    Right now, your main focus is your wife and your child. You're going through a difficult time but together you will get through it, as you said yourself nothing is confirmed yet so I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Focus on your wife and like I said for now focus on the positive things in your life - your family.

    Best of luck to you. Hope things work out.


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    #43
    Summer wind
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭Summer wind


    Hi bear1 you sound like such a lovely kind man and a great husband and dad. I'm so sorry to hear of the tough time you and your wife are going through. I know it's easy for me to say but please try not to worry about your boss too much. Once you are turning up to work every day and doing the best job you can you will be fine. Maybe ask for a meeting with your boss and get some answers as to what he expects of you and you can get your side across too.

    I've seen some people have suggested you and your wife have a 3D scan of your baby. I think this is a great idea and you should do this as soon as you can. When I was a few months pregnant with my first little boy I went to my gp's surgery for an examination and for the nurse to listen to the baby's heartbeat. While she was examining me she told me she couldn't find the baby's head. Then she said "I'm sure it's there but I just can't find it". I couldn't wait for my next scan I was so worried.

    Just take a deep breath and take each day as it comes. Get all the information you can and all the help you can. Talk to your wife about everything and give her loads of hugs and get some yourself too. We are all wishing you and your family the very best and hope you get some good news soon.


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    #44
    mfceiling
    Registered Users Posts: 12,780 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Chin up bear.

    Try to look for the positives first. You have a job..it might be a bit shìt atm but it's there. The baby...let's go with the hernia...if it's not then that's something to deal with in the future. Remember it'll be your baby and some people long for a family and never have one. You already have a wife and kids...again that's a good strong base to start from. I always think that no matter how bad it gets if you have herself and the kids onside then that's a force to be reckoned with.

    Everything happens for a reason and there will be great days ahead.


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    #45
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    I think trying to worry about everything is to much. Just take it day by day and get through that. And talk to everyone who will listen. You'll find many people around will have gone through similar situations. They just don't talk about it. But will open up if you talk to them. Try to create happy moments with your family and friends. Those moments will get you through the other times.


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    #46
    JupiterKid
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 12,617 Mod ✭✭✭✭JupiterKid


    Really sorry to hear about your difficulties Bear. The workplace bullying (and that sounds like what it is as I went through that some years ago) is one thing as are the bills but your child on the way puts everything else in perspective. This has to take priority above all else.

    I have my own difficulties in life but they pale into insignificance compared to what you are facing. You have great advice on here and hopefully the support from family and friends so I wish you well. Life is not easy, it throws us curveballs and challenges but we usually can deal with these even though they might seem insurmountable at the time.

    Try not to let your problems overwhelm you. I know it's easier said than done. I sincerely hope things work out for you.


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    #47
    ChikiChiki
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,950 ✭✭✭ChikiChiki


    Bear very sorry to hear of your situation. Obviously your very stressed and I don't blame you. My advice would be to take some time off work RIGHT NOW, providing you get paid of course. Don't even think of going in Monday morning. You don't need to be dealing with that crap at the moment. Go to the doctor and get a sick note for a month or two. You need it and don't feel one bit guilty. This is a challenging time in your life.

    In this time off, consider your career, maybe redo your CV, if it helps try and push out some of your debts to give you some breathing space. Most importantly spend time with your family and get your head around this lifechanging situation. Also within this time look after yourself and I would suggest to go to some counselling just for the sake of talking to somebody and getting all your concerns out. A good counsellor listens, is a great source of comfort and will provide some advice back to get you through this.

    Ive had quite a horrific year workwise, financially and personally losing an immediate family member through suicide. I was in a horrible place and took some of the above steps and I'm in a good headspace today. You'd be surprised how quickly things can change.

    Good luck and you have our support.


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    #48
    Glass fused light
    Registered Users Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Glass fused light


    Thank you.

    I know that looks weird, but congratulations and thank you for being so brave to share what you are going through.  In my opinion it takes a special kind of strength to be so open about what you are feeling right now, to reach out and post it up here in After Hours for everyone to read.  So thank you, Bear1, you did a brave and powerful thing.

    I won't offer anything except about feel down and having negative thoughts, its so understandable that your emotions are all over the place and it's so ok to feel like that and to post as many crying emoticons as you need.
    But Bear1, when you start to feel crappy, please, please, please take a a minute or two to remember that posting as you did, and letting us see your fears takes courage, bravery and strength, take the time to acknowledge those truths too.


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    #49
    PARlance
    Registered Users Posts: 21,096 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    Make sure to talk to your wife. She's going through a hard time too but you don't need to be Mr. Brave Face. Obviously try to remain as positive as possible for her but don't forget that you're in it together. Don't be afraid to be open.


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    #50
    Junkyard Tom
    Registered Users Posts: 10,117 ✭✭✭✭Junkyard Tom


    I'm a big believer in doing stuff that releases dopamine to get those natural anti-anxiety/anti-depression chemicals flowing. If you like a kick-about join a 5-a-side team. If you like the outdoors walk the nearby hills. If you like driving fast pay for a track day.

    All worries get pushed to the back of your mind when you're having a bit of craic and the natural chemicals that get released just dampen all those overwhelming thoughts down.

    Best of luck bear1.


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    #51
    mansize
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,521 ✭✭✭✭mansize


    Hi,

    I'm very sorry to read your news.

    I know it might sound trite, but put the money issues to one side for the moment.

    Talk with your wife and healthcare professionals about the pregnancy and hopefully have a clearer scan.

    This will give you a better picture of what you face into, and the options available to your wife and you. The medical professionals will be best placed to give this advice and the future for you and how to deal with the scenarios that may arise.

    Take care of yourself and this will allow you to be in a better frame of mind to care for your family.


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    #52
    dreoilin
    Registered Users Posts: 85 ✭✭dreoilin


    I'm sorry that you have to deal with these problems all at once, and of course, at all.

    Most of us can handle a problem when it's isolated, but too many together at once is very overwhelming and we are only human afterall.

    Keep going, buddy.


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    #53
    Coffeeandtea
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭Coffeeandtea


    Hi, so firstly I would just like to say how sorry I was to hear your problems. I just joined in to say that don't go down the route of looking for a pill to ease stress as someone else suggested. ..there a short term gain , long term pain....especially the anti anxiety drugs.....really there is no "cure" for stress...but as someone else suggested exercise really helps....even long walks ouside in nature.

    As regards work, I would tell your boss about what your going through with pregnancy right now just so he might lay off a bit. And I agree it's a situation that needs to be tackled in some shape or form....but I wouldn't advise rocking the boat right now....I just think you have enough to cope with at the moment.

    I think down the line if I were you I would start looking for a new job.

    I imagine it's stressful worrying about your child....but really it sounds like it will be born to kind loving patents, so no matter what he/she is lucky to have you.

    Hugs
    Coffeantea


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    #54
    bear1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,812 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    Hi All,

    I've read the remaining posts and they helped brighten up the morning and give me some ideas to try and take our minds off of things.
    Unfortunately the news I heard this morning was that the scan performed was indeed a 3d scan so it's further pushed my thoughts down the negative route but I'm still holding on..
    I'm planning to take my wife to a restaurant tonight to try and get back to some sort of normality and I'm thinking about what one poster said about going on sick leave. My only (and it's minute at the moment) is that going on sick leave will reduce my take home even more and I'm not sure I can risk earning less at this time.
    I also think that there won't be just one scan where they will say "I see the legs all grand", there will need to be quite a few before we'll be calm that they are indeed there.

    Thanks everyone,

    Kev


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    #55
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,378 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Sad to hear.. I can empathize having had some awful news on two fronts recently.

    I keep thinking of the line, as corny as It is..
    "The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday."

    I'm already trying to look at the positives and take advantage of the times when things are ok.


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    #56
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    I'm really sorry to read your OP Bear. I don't have any good advice to offer you, but in my experience nothing is bad or hopeless forever. Even when at the time you feel like your entire life has been torn out from underneath you, eventually things will start to get better. It might be a different life than the life you had planned, but different doesn't mean bad. You will be okay. You have your wife, and your two babies who need you to be strong, so hold on and I'm sure things will start to get better.


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    #57
    HensVassal
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,570 ✭✭✭HensVassal


    bear1 wrote: »
    Hi All,

    I've read the remaining posts and they helped brighten up the morning and give me some ideas to try and take our minds off of things.
    Unfortunately the news I heard this morning was that the scan performed was indeed a 3d scan so it's further pushed my thoughts down the negative route but I'm still holding on..
    I'm planning to take my wife to a restaurant tonight to try and get back to some sort of normality and I'm thinking about what one poster said about going on sick leave. My only (and it's minute at the moment) is that going on sick leave will reduce my take home even more and I'm not sure I can risk earning less at this time.
    I also think that there won't be just one scan where they will say "I see the legs all grand", there will need to be quite a few before we'll be calm that they are indeed there.

    Thanks everyone,

    Kev

    Put on your headphones, connect to YouTube, turn up the volume, close your eyes and play "You'll Never Walk Alone" by Gerry and The Pacemakers".

    Poignant words and you will see a golden sky at the end of the storm.


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    #58
    Lucyfur
    Registered Users Posts: 32,513 ✭✭✭✭Lucyfur


    Good luck tomorrow bear :)


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    #59
    Specialun
    Registered Users Posts: 3,068 ✭✭✭Specialun


    Good luck with the tests tomorrow OP


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    #60
    Stheno
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,687 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    Best wishes for tomorrow try to get some rest tonight


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    #61
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    This post gets me as I'm in a remarkably similar situation myself - albeit after a very rocky start to my wife's pregnancy we were told in the 21-week scan that everything looked healthy. The relief is unlike anything I've ever felt but I don't think anybody feels complete relief until after the birth. Add in the likely drama of a child as young as yours (my own is 21 months) and you're finding it very hard to have those precious moments of reflection and recuperation. That adds immensely to stress.

    At any rate, we are breaking the bank this pregnancy to get those detailed scans, and for peace of mind they are worth it so I'd strongly agree with people here who've suggested it. And you're 100% correct that one scan won't settle your mind, but it will change the direction of your mind from incessant worry to "well, that scan was positive". And another scan will strengthen that hope. Above all else, try and not torture your life now with imagining worst case scenarios. That's a major league mindfúck. You've enough on your plate without adding self-torture.

    Regarding financial worries, I agree wholeheartedly with the other posters; without being any way flippant at the end of the day they come and go and should never destroy a person's happiness (life is ridiculously short and I've learnt that the hard way!). Crucially, I found being upfront with lenders about my problems was a gift of enormous relief to me. I cannot emphasise that enough. I was stressing myself out about what would happen but when I talked to them and they could see I was genuine I had clarity and certainty and it allowed me to get on with life. It was the not knowing, the uncertainty, which was stressing me out more than anything. I'm that bit wiser about my character now so I tend to be very upfront and honest with people on what I can/cannot deliver. Again, that was a painful lesson I'm glad I learned. At any rate, instinctively I for one was far more overwhelmed by negative, fatalistic thoughts to feel threatened by my credit rating - and I articulated this clearly to the financial people. Overwhelmed is exactly the feeling that sums up this period.

    Lastly, look after your mental health by arranging for time-outs for you and your partner. You need that "me" time as well as the couple time. It could be going for a long walk and noticing everything from the sound of the water in streams to the sounds of birds, or it could be going to the gym. For the couple time, I might be inclined to suggest a nice night out of calm church music or candlelight dinner whatever else, but to be brutally frank if myself and my wife could just lie on together one morning and the entire day that would be a dream. Oh to have the energy to go out! Moreover, give the two people in your life as many hugs as possible. It's a great cheap therapy for hugged and hugger alike. Love. I remember at my wedding ceremony the priest said something about various values (which I forget) and ended with "but the greatest of these is love". It is at these moments precisely that I've discovered what that is about. Those senses of positivity, goodness, honesty and vulnerability all combining to gift us the beauty of honest, loving awareness of our own mortality and that to love each other is the greatest - if not the only -gift we can ever give or receive in life. Try and keep that at the forefront throughout this. This too will pass.

    All the best.


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