Hard to handle life right now.

bear1

I debated with myself if I should create a thread on here or not but recent events meant I just needed to put the proverbial pen to paper.
I know it shouldn't be in AH but I figured this forum has the furthest reach so sorry Mods if I'm breaking the charter.
Recently life just seems to be going down and down, I've got a boss who has practically turned against me and anything I try to do.
Any idea I give isn't good enough and any mistakes I make are treated as a catastrophe.
This I can handle though (for now).

Next is the sheer amount of bills I keep needed to pay, it's like I'm working just to hand everything back and anything left over needs to be treated as if it were a priceless crystal and it hurts that I'm not able to treat my family as much as I could a mere few months ago and it kills me when I need to cut something from our monthly budget.

But today is the day that things came to a head and for the worse.
My wife is pregnant with our second child, our other child is just over 1.
She had her visit this morning for a new scan to see how things are progressing only to be told that the child has a serious genetic abnormality and the doctor could not see the legs.
On top of this the child also has a hernia, which in fairness the doctor said could be obstructing the view of the legs.
But of course my wife is distraught, I'm distraught and I don't know to pick ourselves up from this.

I keep getting negative thoughts in my head, will we lose the child? What if the child has no legs, how do we manage? How will we afford the medical care?
I've just lost hope that anything good can come out from all this and don't know where to turn.
My family is supportive but after the news I just can't seem to switch these feelings off, even for a minute.

No idea what I'm expecting out of this thread and if some are thinking of making any jokes then please remember that inside I'm beyond upset.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far

fussyonion

OP, as jokey as AH can be, I really don't think anyone would come here, read your post and make a joke of it.

I am so sorry you're going through all this, you must be at your wits' end.
I have, however, reported your post just to say I think it's suited to the Personal Issues forum. I think you'll get good replies there and I think the Mods would be along to move this anyway.

I wish you the very best and I sincerely hope everything works out for you.
Take care.

bear1

Thanks and yeah I know what you mean about the jokes, not really thinking properly right now.
If the mods would prefer this to be moved then I'm all for it, just figured AH would have the highest poster volume.
Thanks for your reply.

The first thing to remember, OP, is that you're not alone. Lots of families are living hand to mouth, and lots of other parents are feeling the way you do. It doesn't make it easier to cope with, but you're not the only one and the resentment you feel is pretty normal in my opinion.

Secondly, don't panic about the baby until you know exactly what you're doing. If the baby has a hernia that might be obstructing the view of the legs, ask for another scan or a second opinion, or whatever you need to do to determine what you're dealing with. Hernias are usually easily dealt with, I believe, so try not to worry too much about that.

Your wife is understandably distraught and so are you, and I can't imagine how you wouldn't be. If the stress is unbearable, talk to your own doctor about it. When this news has settled and you're calmer, that's the time to make decisions about the future if you need to.

Try hang onto the positives in your life. You have a lovely child, your wife loves you, your family is supportive and you're getting your bills paid. Take it easy on yourself and I wish nothing but the best for you and your family.

Just try to determine what you're dealing with, what your options are, and take it from there with your wife. Good luck.

Ken.

If at any time you want this moved or locked pm myself or one of the other mods.

ArnoldJRimmer

I'm very sorry to hear this, sometimes life can be so unfair. Not the best man to give advice, but I'll give it a go. Firstly, it sounds like you're trying to stay strong for your family, but its ok to let it all out and be upset.

Secondly, step back, take a deep breath and take a look at what you can control here. No point worrying about variables in your life, as hard as that can be. Organise a meeting with your boss and explain your frustrations and ask advice on how you can get back on track. He could tell you to do one, but no harm in trying. update your resume and be on the look out for something better

On the bills, all you can do is continue to try and budget for right now. Seek financial advice, even for free online. I'm sure your wife understands that you're doing your best

I'm so sorry about the news on the pregnancy. I don't know any numbers offhand, but I'm sure that there are people you can talk to and supports in place with the HSE, whether a social worker or some other expert

probably not very helpful here, but just wanted to say hang in there

Zillah

How far along is the pregnancy...?

Spanish Eyes

Ah dear god Bear. I am so sorry to hear of your troubles, even though I don't know you from Adam.

Work and bills need to take a back seat for the moment and concentrate on the wife and the baby to be born. You need to get back on to the hospital and get another scan done as soon as possible. I am also sure that the hospital will have support systems in place for parents who have received news such as yours. Counselling if you will.

When you gather your breath maybe ask about that. I am surprised they just let you out of the hospital with nothing more than what you have said.

Who minds the other baby? Maybe a night or two on your own with your wife might help, although having the other child around might help too. I dunno.

You will get support. Ask for it, and take it. First things first, get a second opinion would be my view.

Think positive and I hope things get better for you.

Just to mention, I know what this is like, well not me, but my brother and his wife were given devastating news 7 months along. The child had this that and the other and would not walk and talk and all the rest of it.

Child has some issues alright, but he is going to mainstream school, can use his double scooter board, watches tv and uses an iPad. He's great.

Just saying that things may not be as bad as they seem. But of course that is what you are thinking now.

Best wishes.

amdublin

I am sorry to hear all of this. Youve got it tough at the moment. There are lots of wise people on this forum who can help you I hope. For the moment I am sending positive vibes your way.

bear1

Thanks to all, it's very nice to read and is why I chose AH tbh. Very emotional to even read tbh. Sounding like a right puff now
The pregnancy is at the 12th week I believe and on Monday further tests are being done to try and determine what the worst case scenario is.
As of now it would seem the child has no legs but I'm praying this is simply the hernia blocking the view but I'm somewhat doubtful.
Again thank you all, you've no idea how much it helps.

PlamenDon

I really don't know what to say Bear1, I know how hard simply living can be, then a kick in the bollox on top of that doesn't help matters, your boss is the least of your worries now, try to tactfully tell them to fcuk off, sometimes it's easier to take the pill and numb the pain, maybe see the doctor and get something for short term stress relief.

Actually probably can't afford the doctor right now, just try something anything to de-stress and then things should be a little easier to process.


Best of luck, hope things start to look up for you soon.

Outlaw Pete

Someone famous once wisely said...

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Someone else also once wisely said...

If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that before they can reach you, nine of them will have run into the ditch.

I never said anything wise myself and so I'll leave it that. Best of luck with everything though.

bear1

ken wrote: »

If at any time you want this moved or locked pm myself or one of the other mods.

If I start posting crying emoticons you can close it without even asking me

Lingua Franca

My heart goes out to you, that's a hell of a lot of complex problems to deal with at all once and I'm sure it seems like you are in over your head in life right now. I'm sure you can already predict most of the advice you'll be offered so I'll not bother with that, but I will say that I was overwhelmed in life a couple of times myself and I wish now I'd known then that 1. THIS TOO SHALL PASS - life changes for better and for worse, but it does change and things do go on so keep on trucking through it and see what happens and 2. you can get used to anything. Situations that once seemed terrifying can become mundane. I wish you the very best of luck. Keep your chin up.

bear1

Lingua Franca wrote: »

My heart goes out to you, that's a hell of a lot of complex problems to deal with at all once and I'm sure it seems like you are in over your head in life right now. I'm sure you can already predict most of the advice you'll be offered so I'll not bother with that, but I will say that I was overwhelmed in life a couple of times myself and I wish now I'd known then that 1. THIS TOO SHALL PASS - life changes for better and for worse, but it does change and things do go on so keep on trucking through it and see what happens and 2. you can get used to anything. Situations that once seemed terrifying can become mundane. I wish you the very best of luck. Keep your chin up.

If I read the same advice 1000 times it would still help me so don't worry about that.
You are right though, and so is everyone else. People have gone through this and sadly it won't stop with me.
Just wish instead of life kicking us all in the bollox we could occassionally give it a hiding in return.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

nkav86

Jaysus bear I'm really sorry that life has dealt you such a sh*t hand. I don't have a clue how to try to help, but I just wanted to say that I hope you see better days soon enough

Autonomous Cowherd

Any one of the issues you mention would be traumatic to handle, so I think you are doing really well. Even to be able to express yourself. Sometimes there are troubles that need another pair of eyes, an outsider's point of view, so to speak. This could be a therapist, a cognitive behavioural psychologist, a MABs advisor, a local priest or Buddhist monk (etc) that you trust, an older wiser member of extended family, a dear trusted friend. Your wife was able to get behind you re the bullying at work (and it sounds like bullying) and the endless bills ( a dreadfully depleting cycle which many are familiar with), but right now I bet she is completely in a spin about your unborn child. So, you guys need some strong shoulders to lean on. Let those who love you know you need help. Ask for help. People are overwhelmingly good. As are you.

Prioritise only those things that you know in your heart will possibly be important in 5 years time. Anything else is not worth your emotional energy.

volchitsa

I'm really sorry to hear you're having to handle all this (which feels kind of strange saying, seeing as we don't know each other, but it's true, so I guess that's the wonder of Internet isn't it?)

I think I probably don't have any thing new to add, but I wanted to agree with what Permanear said about not letting the separate issues all pile on top of each other in a single jumble so that you sort of don't know where to turn.

I'd also agree that money is a pain, but it's really not the main thing, especially if it's only a question of not having any over. If at the moment you're managing to keep a roof over your heads and enough food and heating, the rest can wait until things improve. I'm sure your wife knows that too. Money worries come and go, you can ride them out.

The other two problems are different, and I don't know what to say that hasn't been said already. Maybe for now just "Don't panic"?

For your work situation, there are so many other factors that might be involved that it's hard to know what to say, maybe it's not even you but something else that is bothering your boss? I'd suggest a meeting with him, unless you think he's doing it deliberately to get at you, I'm which case maybe someone higher up?, but I guess that depends on your work situation. Does anyone else seem to be having a similar problem or is it targeted at you?

For the pregnancy, again I think you have to wait to know more. A horrible situation, and in a way all the harder for you that you probably feel you have to keep it together for your wife. I really hope you get better news, but in any case can get through this. Really.

All the best, I really hope things improve for you soon.

Birneybau

It's always darkest before the light.

bear1

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Hi Permabear, thanks for the post I hadn't thought of the 3d scan. Must follow up on that.
As for work, I'm thinking right now that it can go and fcuk itself.
Once I know for sure that either I'm going to have a healthy child or a handicapped child then I'll tackle the work challenge cause tbh I just don't have the mental strength to fight that battle.
Your post in general is aces, thank you.

Alf Stewart.

I'm not much use with advice tbh, but I'm gonna give this a shot.

Firstly, work.

Arrange a face to face with the boss, explain your concerns, any problems he bay be having, or thinks he's having, thrash it out. It's good to talk, best case scenario, you get things resolved, fresh start and try again, worst case scenario, find something else. I know it sounds tough, and things are tough out there, no doubt about it, but something will come up. You just gotta find it. (What line of work are you in? Pm if necessary, I might know something)

Financially, not sure what kind of bills you have, but no one is ever in so much financial trouble that it can't be dealt with. Have you tried budgeting/restructuring things to try and make the salary/wage GO just a little further? Its surprising how far you can make that extra €100, €50, or even €20 when you were used to not having it.

As for treating the family, as already posted, treating them doesn't have to mean spending money on them, walks, movie nights, home cooked social meals etc, all last for a life time in the minds.

Lastly, about the unborn child.

I really don't know what to offer as advice on this one, other than to hold out, get the tests done and see how the wee one is, every child is precious at the end of the day.

No matter what the outcome, there'll be help and guidance along the way.

Really hope things get better mate. There's more sympathetic and friendly ears on here than you think. It's always good to talk.

No matter the problem, it's always reduced when it's shared.

dueaug

So sorry you are both going through this. Carepoint medical centre is in Galway and do 3d scans for €100. http://galwaybabyscans.com/prices/ Give us a shout if you need a hand. It will get better. I have 15 months between my two youngest and I know how bloody tiring it is for you both at the minute.

bear1

Alf Stewart. wrote: »

I'm not much use with advice tbh, but I'm gonna give this a shot.

Firstly, work.

Arrange a face to face with the boss, explain your concerns, any problems he bay be having, or thinks he's having, thrash it out. It's good to talk, best case scenario, you get things resolved, fresh start and try again, worst case scenario, find something else. I know it sounds tough, and things are tough out there, no doubt about it, but something will come up. You just gotta find it. (What line of work are you in? Pm if necessary, I might know something)

Financially, not sure what kind of bills you have, but no one is ever in so much financial trouble that it can't be dealt with. Have you tried budgeting/refinancing things to try and make the salary/wage GO just a little further? Its surprising how far you can make that extra €100, €50, or even €20 when you were just too not having it.

As for retreating the family, as already posted, treating them doesn't have to mean spending money on them, walks, movie nights, home cooked social meals etc, all last for a life time in the minds.

Lastly, about the unborn child.

I really don't know what to offer as advice on this one, other than to hold out, get the tests done and see how the wee one is, every child is precious at the end of the day.

No matter what the outcome, there'll be help and guidance along the way.

Really hope things get better mate. There's more sympathetic and friendly ears on here than you think. It's always good to talk.

No matter the problem, it's always reduced when it's shared.

Another nice post.
Re my profession, I'm manage a small team in investigative financing for a bank. Wouldn't be difficult to change or anything but I want stability at my age especially with 2 children.
So it leaves me in a predicament if I want to change but if the unborn does end up having the worst outcome then I'll need all the money I can get to help the child with medicals etc.
As said, the job part is on the backburner but when you combine everything together you just lose complete hope.

The baby issue should be THE serious matter, that may have caused other worries to seem overwhelming.

Work, money...nothing matters a fraction as much as the questions and concerns you have about the health of a child. I'd focus all the energy on that and getting answers to all questions. Surely they can perform some other scan and clarifying matters rather than leaving you with the news that it may be a serious condition or there may be a simple explanation and there may be nothing wrong at all.

bear1

Deleted User wrote: »

The baby issue should be THE serious matter, that may have caused other worries to seem overwhelming.

Work, money...nothing matters a fraction as much as the questions and concerns you have about the health of a child. I'd focus all the energy on that and getting answers to all questions. Surely they can perform some other scan and clarifying matters rather than leaving you with the news that it may be a serious condition or there may be a rational explanation.

Our next meeting is on Monday for blood tests and then we will be doing another scan soon.
As suggested above I'm thinking a 3D might be a good way forward.

lawred2

My heart goes out to you and your wife OP

Truly

LynnGrace

Aww bear, I don't know what to say. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers on Monday.

Lucyfur

This place do private scans. I would hope if you explained the situation to them, you might get to skip any waiting period http://www.babyscan.ie/galway

Also, fcuk your boss. Not literally. But right now, he's not a priority.

Sit and cuddle your wife and little one tonight. They're what's important.

Wishing you all the best.

livedadream

my heart goes out to you,
the stresses of life sometimes build and build, bills, a baby on the way, work stress.

i know for myself the bills over the summer for some reason seem to drain the savings, then the winter is a bit easier for some reason.
maybe its because the tax, car insurance, health insurance all the big stuff is paid during the summer.

speak to MABS in regards to the money, they might be able to see something you cant...
tell your boss the situation with your wife and the pregnancy it might give them a bit of perspective.
hoping for the best.

cbyrd

Hug your wife and hug your baby. Let them hug you.
We don't know what life is ever going to throw at us but sometimes when we get a glimpse we can go into blind panic wondering how the hell we will cope. Only to come out the other side battered weary but intact and hopefully still together.
I'm a great believer in the universe, might be dumb, but it's helping me through some amazing ****e atm.

If, God forbid, the worst case is your baby is healthy other than no legs, will this diminish your love for your child?
I don't think so, you sound already like you love him or her.
Don't borrow trouble, you can't see what will happen in the future, wait and see first if there is a major medical problem before you worry about bills. If there is, take pen and paper and ask every doctor every question you can.. find out what financial help you can get.
The absolute worst case is you lose the baby. No one and nothing can prepare you for this, but you will get through it. You will break, you'll grieve and eventually you will heal. But you will always have this child to love.
Tell your boss to take it easy. Maybe when they're in the loop a bit he might back off.
And for money LOL
Pay the bills and be glad you have the money to pay them. They'll always be there whether you are on the breadline or a millionaire.. it's just the size of them.
Your family don't need treats .. not as long as you have each other. I learned this the hard way. I used to take the kids out, cinema, bowling, holidays... Now I can't .. Saturday night will see me round the table playing cards or board games.. (it can sometimes end in tears)
My kids don't really care.. it was escapism.. not having to communicate, cos that's actually hard..
Please be kind to yourself
Take a step back and see what is most important, let the other stuff slide.
Let your wife know that you're devastated too and she's not alone. Whatever happens.
It won't always feel like this.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Best wishes to you and your wife.. it's heartbreaking.