The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice. · 13-08-2013 12:59pm

"Hmuch longer do I have to live?" I asked the doctor.

"ten" he replied

"ten what?" I said, "months...days?"

"nine......eight....seven"

Hagar the Nice. · 13-08-2013 1:00pm

A guy just threw butter, milk and a carton of cream at me....

How dairy !!!

reap-a-rat · 13-08-2013 1:15pm

[Better if said aloud]

My boyfriend just broke up with me; he says he's gonna try work things out with the ex...

I'm never dating a mathematician again!

Hagar the Nice. · 13-08-2013 1:42pm

What do they do with the bikes after the Tour De France?

Recycle them.

BeerWolf · 13-08-2013 1:49pm

reap-a-rat wrote: »

[Better if said aloud]

My boyfriend just broke up with me; he says he's gonna try work things out with the ex...

I'm never dating a mathematician again!

Eh?

reap-a-rat · 13-08-2013 1:54pm

BeerWolf wrote: »

Eh?

The ex - the x - multiplication? Probably would have gone better in the Maths Jokes thread

--Kaiser-- · 14-08-2013 9:37am

My ma loves telling this joke:

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.

"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

14-08-2013 9:45am

I'm not thanking that. Not a hope of it. Jesus I trusted you kaiser, I trusted you >.<

--Kaiser-- · 14-08-2013 9:57am

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not thanking that. Not a hope of it. Jesus I trusted you kaiser, I trusted you >.<

The trick of telling in it real life is to drag it out even longer so your audience gets really annoyed

Hagar the Nice. · 14-08-2013 10:46am

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

My ma loves telling this joke:

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.

"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

I'll bet you he was tyred counting all those stars.:D

--Kaiser-- · 14-08-2013 11:03am

A couple are newly married and are still in the honeymoon stage (so to speak). The husband comes downstairs and the wife asks him what he'd like for breakfast. "I wouldn't mind a shag!" he replies with a cheeky grin. So upstairs they go and do the horizontal tango. The husband then goes to work.

He comes back for lunch and again and when the wife asks him what he'd like for lunch. "I'll have what I had for breakfast, that was good!" so he sweeps he upstairs and they make the beast with two backs once more. The husband then returns to work.

He comes home from work and opens the door to see his wife, stark naked, sliding down the bannisters. Completely flabbergasted, the husband asks her "What the bloody hell are you doing woman?!"
"Just heating up your dinner!" she replies

the purple tin · 14-08-2013 1:20pm

What did the native American say when they bombed Hiroshima?
'For f**k sake! There's no need to shout!'

rolliepoley · 14-08-2013 7:45pm

At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, 'Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.'

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

rolliepoley · 14-08-2013 7:56pm

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day.

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.'

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?'

'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

Mr Tibbs · 15-08-2013 1:10am

Whatever way the wife got into bed the other night with her hair down really turned me on so I ran to the bathroom and striped off naked. Came back to the bedroom and said well how about it and she said. Whats that white power on your nob for. That's asprin for your headace you can have it orally or anally says I.

cantdecide · 15-08-2013 10:26am

There's a creepy skeleton inside your body right now!

Well I thought it was funny!

Liam90 · 15-08-2013 12:56pm

Everything is made in China, except babies.

They're made in VaChina.

rolliepoley · 15-08-2013 9:04pm

Liam90 wrote: »

Everything is made in China, except babies.

They're made in VaChina.

Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.

ericl · 15-08-2013 9:55pm

A Celtic fan and a Rangers fan are playing darts, and up steps the Celtic fan to the oche first.

First dart double top, second dart double top and the third dart bounces off the board and straight back at the Rangers fan and kills him.

Then the MC announces: "1 hun dead and eighty!"

Capt'n Midnight · 15-08-2013 11:09pm

The Pink Panther's To Do list:

- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

rolliepoley · 15-08-2013 11:43pm

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"

rolliepoley · 15-08-2013 11:47pm

There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a head."

The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing...I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' and half way around the track...WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won!"

This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a length!!

One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL **** ME, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"

rolliepoley · 16-08-2013 12:01am

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a **** hair off each side and put the mother ****er back up."

Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get ****ed. That's the electrician's job."

Quazzie · 16-08-2013 7:12am

When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her fanny and the midwife had to pull me out.

That's how excited I was to see my little brother

donegal_road · 16-08-2013 11:42am

what do you call a zoo with no animals?

a Shiatsu

.

BeerWolf · 16-08-2013 11:52am

donegal_road wrote: »

what do you call a zoo with no animals?

a Shiatsu

.

/moo ?

donegal_road · 16-08-2013 11:54am

BeerWolf wrote: »

/moo ?

I heard it when I was drunk.. it was funny then

Mariasofia · 16-08-2013 5:48pm

You would think looking like someone famous would make you popular with the opposite sex. My cousin is the head off Johnny Depp yet....

she still cant get a date.

--Kaiser-- · 16-08-2013 6:00pm

donegal_road wrote: »

what do you call a zoo with no animals?

a Shiatsu

.

If I may, a better version:

I went to a zoo the other day, but it only had one animal, a small dog.
<pause>
It was a Shih Tzu

Hagar the Nice. · 16-08-2013 8:16pm

What do you call a guy who is pessimistic about deodorants?

Not Sure.

rolliepoley · 16-08-2013 9:01pm

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

"Me? I perfer to see the top of her head."

EoghanIRL · 16-08-2013 9:10pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Hagar the Nice. · 16-08-2013 11:56pm

What do you call a sheep with no legs.

A cloud.

j@utis · 17-08-2013 11:25am

Did you hear about the flasher who flashed at three nuns?
Two had a stroke and third one couldn't reach.

j@utis · 17-08-2013 11:25am

...

DubCul · 17-08-2013 12:47pm

Hear about the unemployed flasher.....?

Said he'd stick it out a bit longer

stefan idiot jones · 17-08-2013 3:26pm

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

What do you call a sheep with no legs.

A cloud.

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Wales ?

A leisure centre.

rolliepoley · 17-08-2013 9:08pm

Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

rolliepoley · 17-08-2013 9:37pm

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

rolliepoley · 17-08-2013 10:34pm

He who stands on the toilet is high on pot.

el diablo · 18-08-2013 3:44am

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here". The string, without saying a word, walks outside where he proceeds to tie himself into knots and mess up his "hair". When he walks back in and asks for a beer the bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was just in here." "No, he answered, "I'm afraid not".

Q. Do you know what happened to the thief who stole the calendar?
A. He got twelve months...

Daveysil15 · 18-08-2013 5:16pm

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

wexie · 19-08-2013 1:06pm

eugh.....gonna be a long day, when I get home I'll have to tear off my wife's knickers....

they're chafing...

wexie · 19-08-2013 1:06pm

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . .'

kennyboy9563 · 19-08-2013 2:28pm

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Shrink and told him:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it, I can't sleep and I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me every week for 6 months and I'll get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
' 50 dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
I quickly calculated that to be 1,200 dollars and told him that i would sleep on it.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, 50 dollars per visit every week for 6 months is an awful lot of money! After meeting you I went to the pub to think about it and got talking to the Irish barman there. He cured me for less than 10 dollars, the price of 2 beers. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I never needed to contact you again.!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of a smart attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did this Irish bartender cure you?'
'Simple, he told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS.........HAVE A DRINK

rolliepoley · 19-08-2013 8:10pm

So two women athletes kissed on the podium to protest Russia's anti gay laws.

They got a standing ovation, from every penis in the stadium.

Mariasofia · 20-08-2013 9:27am

I just saw an AA van driving down the road and the driver was crying his eyes out.

I reckon he was heading for a breakdown.

Mariasofia · 20-08-2013 9:27am

Sorry posted twice.

Hootanany · 20-08-2013 10:55am

"I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

the purple tin · 20-08-2013 11:02am

A man is driving along the road when he gets a call from his boss. 'Congratulations! You've just been promoted' says the boss, the man is so happy and overwhelmed with this news that he briefly loses control of the car.
As he drives on further his boss rings again and tells him he'll be getting a brand new company car, again overwhelmed by this information he briefly loses control and swerves but manages to right himself.
He continues on down the road when the boss rings a third time and tells him 'you'll be getting a 40% raise in pay'.
This is too much for the man and he swerves off the road and crashes into a tree. Thankfully he is not hurt. After a while, the Gardai arrive. 'What caused the accident?' they ask the man, 'I'm not sure' he replied 'I just careered off the road!'

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments