One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks · 23-06-2019 5:03pm

Doctor, Doctor. I sometimes get confused and think I'm Goofy, then I think I'm Donald Duck, and then I'm Mickey Mouse.

"How long have you been having these Disney spells?"

greenspurs · 24-06-2019 4:26pm

Ever noticed how many F1 drivers have names associated with Scotland ?

Stirling Moss
Lewis Hamilton
Eddie Irvine
Ayr town centre …………..

MonkieSocks · 24-06-2019 5:13pm

Maria, a devout Irish Catholic got married and had 15 children.

After that her husband Paddy passed away.

Maria went on to remarry Mick, Paddy’s brother, and had another 15 children.

He also passed away, and soon after that Maria died as well.

At Maria’s funeral, Father Flanagan looked skyward and said “at least there’re finally together.

Her sister Patricia, sitting in the front row said,

“Excuse me Father, but do you mean she and her first husband or she and her second husband?”

Fathers Flanagan replied “I mean her legs”

greenspurs · 26-06-2019 8:47am

I just bought some wireless Topiary shears.

Its cutting hedge technology.

MonkieSocks · 26-06-2019 8:25pm

What do you call a magic dog?

A Labracadabrador.

greenspurs · 28-06-2019 12:51pm

My room mate thinks im a schizophrenic!!!

Hes wrong though , I don't even have a room mate !!!!!

MonkieSocks · 28-06-2019 11:35pm

An Englishman, a Frenchman a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some fantastic juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he climbs on to a large box and calls out “Can you see me now?”.

“Yes”.
“Oui”.
“Si”.
“Ja”.

MonkieSocks · 30-06-2019 5:11pm

A blind man walks into a bar.
Then a table.
Then a chair.......

greenspurs · 01-07-2019 10:45am

My least favourite colour is purple

I hate it more than red and blue combined....

MonkieSocks · 01-07-2019 11:02pm

I’ve recently been dating a homeless woman and things are getting serious....

She wants me to move out with her.

greenspurs · 02-07-2019 11:14am

My badly written book about lighting fires is already out ………….

Markcheese · 02-07-2019 11:27am

greenspurs wrote: »

My room mate thinks im a schizophrenic!!!

Hes wrong though , I don't even have a room mate !!!!!

My therapist jokes that I might be a schizophrenic, jokes on him though, I don't even have a therapist...

MonkieSocks · 02-07-2019 6:31pm

My therapist told me I had, Multiple Personality Disorder.

I was beside meself with anger

MonkieSocks · 03-07-2019 8:18pm

What a waste of an evening last night was.

I went to a faith healer at my local hall but he was shiot.

Even a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

greenspurs · 04-07-2019 8:36am

slept on a bag of rice last night....

It actually wasn't that uncomfortable though … I was asleep as soon as I hit the pilau ...

MonkieSocks · 05-07-2019 12:15am

A collector of marine mammals was very dissatisfied with the new aquarium he bought through Amazon.

He had to report it, as it was not fit for porpoise.

Infernal Racket · 05-07-2019 12:18am

I walked into a library and asked the librarian for a book about suicide. She said "****off, you wont bring it back"

MonkieSocks · 07-07-2019 12:03am

I've been trying to get my girlfriend to indulge me in my keyring fetish but she just kept fobbing me off.

MonkieSocks · 09-07-2019 12:24am

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up at the barman, and says, 'Five beers, please.'

greenspurs · 09-07-2019 11:21am

Did you hear about the cowboy whos chaps, cowboy boots and hat were made out of brown paper?

He was wanted in several states for rustling …………..

trashcan · 09-07-2019 11:40am

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up at the barman, and says, 'Five beers, please.'

That took me a minute

MonkieSocks · 12-07-2019 12:22am

To the person who stole my Trainers and Hivis rain jacket.

You can run, but you can't hide.

cobweb · 12-07-2019 12:25am

a skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a pint and a mop

MonkieSocks · 12-07-2019 10:22pm

A Shopworker feels horny and decides to have a **** there and then
Frapping away he hears the owner approaching, he panics and shoves his codgery into the till.

"You look happy!" says the owner.

"Yeah," replies the worker,

"I"ve just come into some money."

MonkieSocks · 14-07-2019 6:56pm

My Grandads got the heart of a lion.

He’s now banned from every zoo in the country.

MonkieSocks · 15-07-2019 11:29pm

My wife was arrested for defacing a library book, she Tippexed out all the full stops.

The judge said she should expect a long sentence.

MonkieSocks · 18-07-2019 6:59pm

I was lying in bed in a German hospital when Hair Ductor came in and asked me how I was feeling.

'An odd thing happened earlier' I said 'I thought I saw a sausage flying past the window, but then I realised it was a small bird'.

'I see' he replied 'I think you may have taken a Tern for the Wurst.'

MonkieSocks · 21-07-2019 7:09pm

Last night I dreamt I was weightless, I was like 0mg.

TheBody · 21-07-2019 7:25pm

People think I’m no good at climbing mountains but I’ve a few tricks up my sliabh.

MonkieSocks · 24-07-2019 12:05am

First the Dodo died.

Then Di died and Dodi died.

Dido must be sh1ttin herself.

The Royal Scam · 24-07-2019 12:06am

I do not like those Russian Dolls. They are so full of themselves

MonkieSocks · 24-07-2019 6:17pm

A prostitute goes to the doctor complaining of morning sickness.

The doctor says, "congratulations!

Do you know who the father is?"

The prossy replies, "if you ate a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

jharr100 · 24-07-2019 7:26pm

My mum and dad were dwarfs ..

All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.

MonkieSocks · 25-07-2019 12:17am

A man is lying in bed with his wife, she rolls over and says,

"Say something Durty to me

He replies, "the dishes."

MonkieSocks · 26-07-2019 11:42pm

A lonely old man decides to get a pet caterpillar...

He takes the pet caterpillar home and sets up a cage for him.

The next morning, the man goes up to the cage and asks the caterpillar, "Hey, would you like to go out to breakfast with me?"

The caterpillar does not respond.

Lunch comes around and the man again goes to the cage and asks, "Would you like to go to lunch with me?"

The caterpillar still does not respond and the man walks away sad.

Dinner comes around and again, the man goes to the cage and asks, "Hey would you please like to go to dinner with me?"

To which the caterpillar responds, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

Comer1 · 26-07-2019 11:45pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A lonely old man decides to get a pet caterpillar...

He takes the pet caterpillar home and sets up a cage for him.

The next morning, the man goes up to the cage and asks the caterpillar, "Hey, would you like to go out to breakfast with me?"

The caterpillar does not respond.

Lunch comes around and the man again goes to the cage and asks, "Would you like to go to lunch with me?"

The caterpillar still does not respond and the man walks away sad.

Dinner comes around and again, the man goes to the cage and asks, "Hey would you please like to go to dinner with me?"

To which the caterpillar responds, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

One liner?

MonkieSocks · 26-07-2019 11:47pm

Comer1 wrote: »

One liner?

Read it one line at a time

Comer1 · 26-07-2019 11:49pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Read it one line at a time

That joke had more lines than the caterpillar had shoes!

MonkieSocks · 26-07-2019 11:55pm

Comer1 wrote: »

That joke had more lines than the caterpillar had shoes!

And thats' why caterpillars can't walk the talk

tusk · 27-07-2019 12:00am

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up at the barman, and says, 'Five beers, please.'

Wonderful giifage

MonkieSocks · 02-08-2019 9:50pm

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally, the kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

BorneTobyWilde · 02-08-2019 9:53pm

I went into a record store and asked ''what have you by the doors,'' he said a bucket of sand and a fire blanket.

MonkieSocks · 04-08-2019 11:52pm

A man and his wife are driving down the road as the wife says, "I want a divorce."

The man says nothing, just speeds up slightly.

The wife continues, "That's not all. I'm taking the house, the car, the kids, and the bank account."

Again the man says nothing, only speeding up a little.

The wife, getting angry, yells at him, "Don't you have anything to say?"

The man replies, "Nope. I have everything I need."

The wife asks him, "What do you have?"

Just as they are about to slam into a tree the man yells, "The Airbag -

MonkieSocks · 05-08-2019 7:53pm

Someone just dumped a load of soil on my allotment.
.
The plot thickens.

MonkieSocks · 07-08-2019 9:27pm

My other half says I’m tight! So, to prove her wrong, I took her out for tea and biscuits.

Quite exciting really, I’ve never given blood before.

trashcan · 07-08-2019 9:35pm

Velcro, what a rip off.

BorneTobyWilde · 07-08-2019 9:58pm

I asked by Barber to cut my hair like Tom Cruises, so he picked me up under by arms and sat me on a pillow.

MonkieSocks · 09-08-2019 12:32am

I had a game of Quiet Tennis today.

It’s like Regular Tennis just without the Racket.

beauf · 09-08-2019 12:38am

For any one highly strung.

MonkieSocks · 09-08-2019 6:51pm

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim.

When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see.

If you can prove it, I'll let you go."

The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently.

A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

One-Liner Jokes

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