Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

One-Liner Jokes

Options
1…6869717374…190

Comments

  • Options
    #2102
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    I've just bought some really cheap incontinence pads.

    Tena penny


  • Options
    #2103
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    If you haven't worn a blindfold at a shooting range before, you should do it. You don't know what you're missing


  • Options
    #2104
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    magic. its a tricky subject


  • Options
    #2105
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,760 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    patrice123 wrote: »
    Do fish get thirsty?
    Depends on whether they are telostats / freshwater fixh


  • Options
    #2106
    clln
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,059 ✭✭✭clln


    The Bible is a fraud and thats the Gospel truth!


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #2107
    123Mike
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭123Mike


    Tea is for mugs.


  • Options
    #2108
    clln
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,059 ✭✭✭clln


    I never forget a face,but in your case i'll make an exception.


  • Options
    #2109
    Glico Man
    Registered Users Posts: 8,279 ✭✭✭Glico Man


    My childhood was difficult as both my parents were schizophrenics.

    Completely crazy at times but they're good people.


  • Options
    #2110
    Scram
    Registered Users Posts: 683 ✭✭✭Scram


    Great thread, wasnt it Tim Vine the brother of some news reader who had the world record with the number of one liners. He was dam funny.


  • Options
    #2111
    JB81
    Registered Users Posts: 587 ✭✭✭JB81


    Why is a blonde like a tortoise,
    When they are on their backs they are fuc*ed!


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #2112
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Apparently Gaddafi has gone into hiding, and has surrounded himself with 40 teenage virgins










    Well at least we know he's not in Dublin

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #2113
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Met this dyslexic Yorkshireman yesterday.










    He Had A Cat Flap On His Head.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #2114
    dkmkjk3
    Registered Users Posts: 1 ✭dkmkjk3


    What you call a priest with big balls?

    A cannon :)


  • Options
    #2115
    keithg89
    Registered Users Posts: 222 ✭✭keithg89


    A blowjob will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.


  • Options
    #2116
    DJCR
    Registered Users Posts: 986 ✭✭✭DJCR


    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

    He worked it out with a Pencil !!! :D:D


  • Options
    #2117
    exador
    Registered Users Posts: 661 ✭✭✭exador


    My Wife said to me "Did you ever have sex behind my back" ..I said " well who did you think it was ?"

    60% of scousers have had sex in the shower..the other 40% haven't been to jail yet.

    I told my wife that I brought home something that would make her look really sexy...you should have seen her face when i took out 12 cans of bud.

    My friend hasn't spoke to his wife in two years...he didn't want to interrupt her.

    boom boom


  • Options
    #2118
    exador
    Registered Users Posts: 661 ✭✭✭exador


    Two fish in a tank and one turned to the other and said " Can you drive this thing"


  • Options
    #2119
    exador
    Registered Users Posts: 661 ✭✭✭exador


    Man goes to the very sexy female doctor with a rash on his balls. Female doc says " you will have to stop ****" ..man says "why" to which doc says " because i'm trying to examine you" ....


  • Options
    #2120
    madra dubh
    Registered Users Posts: 20 ✭madra dubh


    Bear walks into a bar "just give a pint will you". Barman "fine but no need to be so Grizzly!"


  • Options
    #2121
    madra dubh
    Registered Users Posts: 20 ✭madra dubh


    When I was undressing, my wife said "haven't you got a small organ" I said "not that small its just not used to playing in a cathedral"


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #2122
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    I hate street performers...

    Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk.


  • Options
    #2123
    BEASTERLY
    Registered Users Posts: 1,789 ✭✭✭BEASTERLY


    Why don't blind people go skydiving?...

    ...It scares the sh1t out of the dog!


  • Options
    #2124
    line6
    Registered Users Posts: 163 ✭✭line6


    sex is alright, but it's not as good as the real thing


  • Options
    #2125
    rusty_racer94
    Registered Users Posts: 866 ✭✭✭rusty_racer94


    Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

    A. It saw the salad dressing!

    Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

    A. It let out a little wine!

    Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?

    A. At the BP station!

    Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?

    A. They don't have the guts.

    Q. Why is the letter "G" scary?

    A. It turns a host into a ghost

    Q. What did the spider do on the computer?

    A. Made a website!

    Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?

    A. The Space bar!

    Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?

    A. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

    Q. Why is Basketball such a messy sport?

    A. Because you dribble on the floor!

    Q. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

    A. Every morning you'll rise and shine!

    Q. What happens to cows during an earthquake?

    A. They give milk shakes!

    Q. What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies?

    A. Betty!


    ---Q. Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

    A. He was a chicken.

    Q. What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?

    A. The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".

    Q. Did you hear the joke about the roof?

    A. Never mind, it's over your head!

    Q. Why did the traffic light turn red?

    A. You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

    Q. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

    A. Because then it would be a foot!

    Q. Why should you take a pencil to bed?

    A. To draw the curtains!

    Q. How many books can you put in an empty backpack?

    A. One! After that its not empty!



  • Options
    #2126
    narddog
    Site Banned Posts: 165 ✭✭narddog


    Girlfriend left me yesterday. Said I was totally obsessed with football.


    Pity. I'd been with her 5 seasons.


  • Options
    #2127
    Dr. Fell
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭Dr. Fell


    How did the porn star get rich?
    He came into money.

    How did the porn star find his wallet?
    He came across in.


  • Options
    #2128
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Hello, this is incontinence hotline please hold.


  • Options
    #2129
    pimpy_c
    Registered Users Posts: 209 ✭✭pimpy_c


    Why did the beach blush?

    Because the Sea Wee'd


  • Options
    #2130
    randylonghorn
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 29,509 Mod ✭✭✭✭randylonghorn


    Things are now so bad with the credit crunch that women are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries ...


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #2131
    haydar
    Registered Users Posts: 377 ✭✭haydar


    A fish falls and hits his head. About an hour later he has to go to the doc with an awful Haddock!


Advertisement