Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

One-Liner Jokes

Options
1…7071737576…190

Comments

  • Options
    #2162
    Elmidena
    Registered Users Posts: 2,570 ✭✭✭Elmidena


    Did you hear about the optician that streaked through the town and made a spectacle of himself?


  • Options
    #2163
    Dummy
    Registered Users Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Dummy


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Because the seaweed.

    PS. anyone know Teresa Green ?

    She's the one that called the local hotel last week after the hypnotists show and asked for Mike Hunt to be paged.

    Never heard of the guy.


  • Options
    #2164
    Bigus
    Registered Users Posts: 4,939 ✭✭✭Bigus


    What's the worst smell in the world ???

    A Fishes GEE !


  • Options
    #2165
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,419 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
    A:
    Dress her up as an alter boy.


  • Options
    #2166
    13spanner
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,006 ✭✭✭13spanner


    How did the hamster die!?
    He fell asleep at the wheel!


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #2167
    Daegerty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,864 ✭✭✭Daegerty


    What happened the dyslexic rapist?
    He came home with a bottle of Chlorophyll


  • Options
    #2168
    lastlaugh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,382 ✭✭✭lastlaugh


    What's the craic with these greyed out spoiler lines?


  • Options
    #2169
    rebel without a clue
    Registered Users Posts: 290 ✭✭rebel without a clue


    had a pelican curry last night, yummy! but the bill was enormous!!:D


  • Options
    #2170
    Daegerty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,864 ✭✭✭Daegerty


    lastlaugh wrote: »
    What's the craic with these greyed out spoiler lines?

    You highlight them to find out whats under them


  • Options
    #2171
    randylonghorn
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 29,509 Mod ✭✭✭✭randylonghorn


    lastlaugh wrote: »
    What's the craic with these greyed out spoiler lines?
    Just to save people reading the punchline first by accident, I guess.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #2172
    lastlaugh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,382 ✭✭✭lastlaugh


    Daegerty wrote: »
    You highlight them to find out whats under them

    Cheers for that!

    There I was thinking a Mod had blanked them for being unacceptable.
    Oh, and there's the little spoiler thing in the corner.


  • Options
    #2173
    randylonghorn
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 29,509 Mod ✭✭✭✭randylonghorn


    lastlaugh wrote: »
    There I was thinking a Mod had blanked them for being unacceptable.
    Ah right ... blame the poor bloody mods ...!!!! :D


  • Options
    #2174
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,419 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    Q .. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
    A .. It takes too long to retrain them.


  • Options
    #2175
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,760 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm one of those people who give BMW drivers a bad name.
    I indicate.





    I made a boy cry the other day by telling him that he was probably adopted....
    His Fathers were furious.




    I've just set up a internet site selling Basil Brush puppets.

    Business is booming.


  • Options
    #2176
    Tauriel
    Registered Users Posts: 30,346 ✭✭✭✭Tauriel


    A man walks into a shrinks office wearing nothing but cling film as shorts.

    The shrink turns round and says "I can clearly see your nuts"


  • Options
    #2177
    PaddyW
    Registered Users Posts: 25 ✭PaddyW


    Just for back from competing in the Blindfolded World **** Championships.

    I've no idea where I came.


  • Options
    #2178
    spirit_77
    Registered Users Posts: 182 ✭✭spirit_77


    What's the difference between a movie and david haye?

    A movie has a title.


  • Options
    #2179
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
    So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy cow busy.
    _____________________________

    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
    _____________________________

    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

    That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #2180
    chucknorris
    Registered Users Posts: 1,633 ✭✭✭chucknorris


    What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

    Virgin Mobile


  • Options
    #2181
    Tauriel
    Registered Users Posts: 30,346 ✭✭✭✭Tauriel


    How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

    Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from

    __________________________________________

    What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?

    Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #2182
    Bearhunter
    Registered Users Posts: 656 ✭✭✭Bearhunter


    I see a woman with no legs won the World Strawberry Picking Championship...

    Jammy c**t.


  • Options
    #2183
    ivor dunne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7 ✭ivor dunne


    Blisterman wrote: »
    What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

    Eileen

    What do you call an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other?

    Irene

    what do you call a woman with both legs the same length noleen


  • Options
    #2184
    Tauriel
    Registered Users Posts: 30,346 ✭✭✭✭Tauriel


    Why did the squirrel swim on his back?

    To keep his nuts dry

    ______________________________________

    How did the human cannonball lose his job?

    He got fired


  • Options
    #2185
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    Three blondes are walking through the forest.

    The first blonde says, "Oh, look! Bear tracks!"

    The second blonde says, "No, no, those are beaver tracks!"

    The third blonde was run over by the train.


  • Options
    #2186
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,760 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    realies wrote: »
    Three blondes are walking through the forest.

    The first blonde says, "Oh, look! Bear tracks!"

    The second blonde says, "No, no, those are beaver tracks!"

    The third blonde was run over by the train.
    They were still arguing when they got hit by the train.


  • Options
    #2187
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,760 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just had a look at the statistics on female obesity.
    Awful figures.


  • Options
    #2188
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,760 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My stand-up comedy routine at the National Bouncers Convention didn't go down well.

    Tough crowd.



    I just seen a job advertised -PIPE FITTERS MATE

    I'm gonna go for it, one of my mates is a pipe fitter.



    I've just watched the uncut version of Scarface.

    It was just called 'Face'.


  • Options
    #2189
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,760 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My mate suggested that I should go speed dating. I said, "Why, how is it different to normal dating?"

    He said, "Well, it only lasts 3 minutes." I said, "Okay, but how is it different to normal dating?"


  • Options
    #2190
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac


    I went out with the lads last night, and woke up this morning feeling like i'd been through twelve rounds with David Haye.Absolutley fine.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #2191
    rusty_racer94
    Registered Users Posts: 866 ✭✭✭rusty_racer94


    A New Zealander was walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
    He meets another New Zealander who says '' you sheerin' mate?'' and the first guy replies ''naw, they're all mine''.


Advertisement