One-Liner Jokes

zimmermania

my friend told me that he thought a platonic relationship would never work until he married his girlfriend:pac:

messi1985

Arsenal to looking to sign Sergio Ramos . Wenger feels his experience at throwing away trophies will be invaluable!!

Plazaman

My girlfriend has insisted I give her a rastafarian hairdo.

I'm dreading it.

skylight1987

Well folks as a wise man once said Where ever you go, there you are.

Boxfresh

I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.

You know your pissed when you say "Cheers mate" to the bank machine.

superelliptic

Ye probably know this one....

Whats brown and rhymes with 'Eminem'?

Dr. Dre

superelliptic

What did the five fingers say to the face?

*SLAP*

Plazaman

My Therapist says I have revenge issues. We'll see about that........

Persiancowboy

My neighbour knocked at my door at 2.30am last night. 2.30am??? Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes....


Sat on the DART opposite a stunning Thai girl this morning. I said to myself "please don't have an erection, please don't have an erection". But she did.

superelliptic

byrner88 wrote: »

Irish scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you. the more you have, the longer you live.

That was pun-tastic! :pac:

thebullkf

Saw a fat bird walking down the street today.

She had a T-shirt on saying I love the HIP HOP.. I think the letters C and S must have fallen off

patmac

Have you seen the price of tickets for the Paralympics in London:
Crippling!

The King of Moo

I had a bad dream last night where I had to completely organise a huge outdoor concert all by myself.

It was a logistical nightmare.

spoonface

Stewart Francis rocks...

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""f*ck that" says Mick” have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

marcsignal

Have you seen the Golf results ?

Seve Ballesteros is six under....

The Highwayman

^^^^^^
too soon and not cool

ballsymchugh

and he was cremated. joke's on you!!!

Lustrum

The Queen's visit to Cork has been cancelled due to traffic problems. Apparently Prince William has been stuck in Middleton for 2 weeks

stillastudent

lmao

D.Harry

Did you know, if your parents didn't have any children the chances are you won't have any either.



What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

jaykay74

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though he's happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally

MonkieSocks

You cant blame Ryan Giggs for having a sexual relationship with Imogen Thomas.

Because any woman whose name is an anagram of "A Smooth Minge" has got to be worth a dabble!

Ash.J.Williams

MonkieSocks wrote: »

You cant blame Ryan Giggs for having a sexual relationship with Imogen Thomas.

Because any woman whose name is an anagram of "A Smooth Minge" has got to be worth a dabble!

that is genius...

jt_dublin

Met up with a friend today who worried me by telling me she was hooked on sniffing brake fluid....but i needn't have worried, apparently she can stop at any time.:D

Capt'n Midnight

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but then when I thought about it ,I convinced myself that it wouldn't make any difference.

MonkieSocks

I went out into the garden and, to my horror, my wife was slumped on the grass.





That fookin dog ....................... had dug her up again.

hussey

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizzeria and asks
"Can you make me one with everything?"

Capt'n Midnight

hussey wrote: »

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizzeria and asks
"Can you make me one with everything?"

And he paid for it with a €20 and when he asked for his change he was told "change has to come from within "

Capt'n Midnight

I remember when my mum used to feed me when I was little, she'd hold the spoon up and say "There's a train coming, there's a train coming" and we'd always eat it, because we knew if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the rails.




As I sit here in front of the doctor, I can't help but wonder,

"How would I know if he just told me that I had short term memory loss".





I went to the shop the other day to get some tablets for the dishwasher.

She had a bad headache and needed paracetamol.




I went into B n Q and asked for a bag of nails.

"How long do you want them?" the assistant asked.

"Forever" I replied.




A friend told me that he's scared of dwarfs.
I asked him if he's also scared of normal people when they're far away.



I've just seen some a bargain on ebay 50c a case of Tipex for correction.

There's no way I'm going to China for it though.

Doyler92

What do you call a Barcelona football with a part time job as a flower delivery man?

Sergio Bouquet.