The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

04-12-2018 6:16pm

BENDYBINN wrote: »

Did you hear about the iPhone that committed murder?......It was brought to the garda station and charged .

His accomplice, Nokia was charged a week later. :P

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-12-2018 6:17pm

What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?

The latter.

BENDYBINN · 04-12-2018 6:19pm

Deleted User wrote: »

His accomplice, Nokia was charged a week later. :P

Assault and battery?

blade1 · 04-12-2018 6:56pm

BENDYBINN wrote: »

Assault and battery?

It was a peanut that was assaulted!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-12-2018 9:14pm

Toward the end of the service, the priest asked, How many of you have forgiven your enemies?

80% held up their hands.

The priest then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except for one small elderly lady.

Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

I don't have any, she replied, smiling sweetly.

Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual.

How old are you asks the priest?

Ninety-eight, she replied.

Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?

The little sweetheart of a lady toddled down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

I outlived the bitches.

M.T. Cranium · 04-12-2018 9:53pm

If February was a snowflake, it would sue for not having as many days as all the other months (sob).

Capt'n Midnight · 04-12-2018 10:07pm

Back in the day an old IRA man goes to confession:

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I was sabotaging railway tracks to cause chaos."

"My son, for your penance I want you to do the stations..."

Capt'n Midnight · 04-12-2018 10:10pm

#I'm dreaming of a white Christmas#.

But if the white runs out I'll drink the red

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-12-2018 10:24pm

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, Bill, I want you to
promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.

And what his friend asked do you want me to do with your ashes?

The businessman said, Just put them in an envelope and post them to the Inland Revenue Office.

Write on the envelope,

Now, you have everything.

byrner88 · 05-12-2018 1:39am

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

Purple Mountain · 05-12-2018 2:47am

^ TL;DR :P

Ipso · 05-12-2018 2:54am

Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs?
At Jason’s Donervan

M.T. Cranium · 05-12-2018 4:38am

Two climate scientists met, fell in love, and wanted a church wedding.

The minister asked, as is the custom, "if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

I have two totally different punch lines for this ...

Paddy and Seamus (here we go) for some reason had an invite. Paddy asked Seamus in a low voice, "forever hold my piece? what's that going to accomplish to help their marriage work out?"

then ...

...one of their climate science colleagues stood up. "I saw them having a mild verbal disagreement in a cafe two weeks ago. From this, I calculate that they will kill each other within five years. But there is a solution. If we each put a hundred euros in a hat, their behaviour will be much better."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 05-12-2018 7:03pm

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

Oh, please excuse me said the bunny.I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.

That's perfectly all right, replied the snake.To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you?

Well, I really don't know, said the bunny. I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a twitchy nose.

You must be a bunny rabbit.

Then he said, I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said,

Well, what kind of an animal am I?

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied,

You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls.

You must be a lawyer.

7 Seconds... · 05-12-2018 10:32pm

A Young man named Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend named Maggie. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long but she lived quite a distance away in up in Scotland. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic of course and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrod's and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself in Harrod's at the same time. Harrod's had a free gift wrap offer on at the time but, the assistant accidentally mixed up the two presents. His sister mistakenly got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash them since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love, Chris. x x x

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 06-12-2018 9:22am

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…

But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either

everlast75 · 06-12-2018 11:51am

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

everlast75 · 06-12-2018 11:51am

I got a rejection letter from the origami university today.

I’m not sure what to make of it.

everlast75 · 06-12-2018 11:51am

My son says he hates alphabet soup, though he's never even tried it.

Well he’s going to eat his words...

M.T. Cranium · 06-12-2018 7:07pm

I wanted to date this Japanese beauty, but she said take a haiku.

So then I asked this middle eastern woman where she was from, and she said "Oman." So I said, "there's no need to take offense, just curious. How about your friend, where's she from?" The answer was "Kuwait." So then I said, "no, sorry, I have to catch a flight, maybe you'll remember though."

Was on holiday in Wales, got off a train, by the time I read the name of the station, it was time to board the next one.

There was once a religion based solely on the worship of square numbers. It was so pervasive, the hymn books were numbered 1, 4, 9, 16, 25, etc ... but eventually, a group split off and began to worship cubed numbers. They thought themselves quite superior and looked down on the square number people. One day, one of them asked why they had this attitude, wasn't it all really about the same? "Oh no," said one of the cube worshippers, "we believe in a Higher Power."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 06-12-2018 7:09pm

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles.

Whats going on up here? asks the brunette. We're having a great time downstairs.

Yeah, screams a terrified blonde, but you've got a driver.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 06-12-2018 8:02pm

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

Excuse me, General, she asks quietly, but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 07-12-2018 9:23am

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails down on the front desk and asks,
Can you put me up for the night?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 08-12-2018 11:18am

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says,I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force.

The second police officer says,I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty.

The last cop replies,I would like to hear them say Look, He's Moving!

patmac · 08-12-2018 6:25pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

^ TL;DR :P

Your loss best joke on here.

iamstop · 08-12-2018 8:39pm

Saw a sign in a pet store:

Live birds, going cheap.
Dead bird, not going cheep.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 08-12-2018 10:07pm

A young punk gets on the bus.
He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange.

His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes.

His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, What are you looking at you old fart didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?

The old man replies,Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.

I thought maybe you were my son.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 09-12-2018 3:15pm

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,

I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.

coolhull · 09-12-2018 11:37pm

Jesus walks into a Jewish synagogue, raises his arms and shouts, "I am Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God."
The Rabbi stops the service, turns to his servers, and calmly says, "Fetch me a couple of four-by-two planks, a few 3-inch nails and a hammer We've had trouble with this bollix before."

byrner88 · 10-12-2018 2:46am

I was playing chess with a friend recently.

He said "let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 10-12-2018 9:26am

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today.

We were walking around and my son said, Look dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

What did you just call it? I asked.

My son replied it's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! he said, and i said no son it's, an African Elephant.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 10-12-2018 2:39pm

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.

The nun agreed...

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?

The nun replied, He went that way.
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,

I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria.
The nun said, I understand completely.
The soldier added, I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!

The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls….

I don't want to go to Syria either.

M.T. Cranium · 10-12-2018 6:29pm

Who cut one?

Edward M · 10-12-2018 7:19pm

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Who cut one?

Not I, but the old saying comes to mind, a fox is always first to smell his own!

Ipso · 10-12-2018 7:26pm

What kind of car does Tarzan drive?
A Mazda 323

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 10-12-2018 8:41pm

This contractor guy dies in a tragic accident on his 40th birthday.

He ends up heaven where he's greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band and Saint Peter.

Saint Peter shakes the guys hand and says congratulations!

The contractor is a little confused and says congratulations for what?

Congratulations for what!? says Saint Peter.

We're celebrating the fact you lived to the grand old age of 160.

The contractor says, But that's not right. I only lived to be 40.

That’s impossible, says Saint Peter. We added up your time sheets!

Mehaffey1 · 10-12-2018 9:21pm

Was in good form on the farm today and this is the best I could come up with, criticism welcome.

Met this lovely middle aged lady Susan in church last week and got talking. Whilst the conversation was moving along I noticed she was extremely tired and worn out. I expressed my concern and asked if she was alright. She went on to explain that she and her husband Steve were extremely successful tent designers but recently she was having difficulty dealing with the constant erections...

Edward M · 10-12-2018 9:52pm

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each
and made a profit of €898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.' Paddy now works for the Bank of Ireland

TheBody · 10-12-2018 9:54pm

Did you hear that vandals stole the 'F' from the Funfair sign. It's just unfair.

M.T. Cranium · 11-12-2018 6:32am

Then they went by the local town hall and took away the RRE from current events.

The town council have been pleasantly surprised by the involvement of the men of the town, formerly it was mostly the ladies showing up.

Bob Harris · 11-12-2018 8:29am

I was at the petrol station earlier when I noticed two guards standing and watching a man at the pumps and shaking their heads.

I looked back and saw the idiot was smoking while he was filling his car.

When I realised what he was doing I thought, what a moron, right in front of the law too.

So, I paid and as I was getting in my car I heard someone screaming.

I looked over to see the man's arm was on fire! He was waving his arm around and running in circles going crazy.

I got out of my car just as the guards managed to get him on the ground, put handcuffs on him and threw him in the back of the paddy wagon. I figured he was an idiot but I thought arresting him was a bit extreme.

So I went over and asked them what they were arresting him for.

The guard looked me dead in the eye and said .....
"Waving a firearm!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-12-2018 9:26am

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father daddy, what are they doing?

The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says they're just making a puppy.

OK says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.

The next day, the son bursts into his parents room and sees them having sex.

The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.

Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.

His son asks daddy, what were you and mommy doing?

Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says me and mommy were making a baby.

His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies flip mommy over,

I want a puppy.

11-12-2018 6:20pm

There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size.

So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says,
"Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size.

Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said,
"I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.

Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says,
"Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-12-2018 10:06pm

After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the road, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, five year old Paddy, grabbed his younger brotherJoe, by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the potholes filled with rain water.

As the Joe recovered and stood crying and dripping wet the mother ran towards them in a panic.

Why on earth did you do that to your little brother? as she shook Paddy's shoulder in anger.

Aye Paddy says we were just playing church mammy and I was jus baptising him,

In the name of the father, the son, and in the hole he goes.

Capt'n Midnight · 12-12-2018 12:24am

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed the Zoo making random demands. He has taken six ostriches...

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 12-12-2018 9:18am

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

You are so ugly if they laid you on the beach, not even the tide would take you out.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 12-12-2018 9:29am

Your so ugly when you were born your mom said Oh what a treasure and your dad said Yeah let"s bury it.

Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?
The other one says, I’m a big metal fan.

jimgoose · 12-12-2018 4:03pm

Mate of mine has had a chronic fear of giants since he was a kid. Only lately did he get a proper diagnosis of Feefiephobia.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 12-12-2018 9:19pm

Here are a few Christmas jokes for the season that's in it.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker.

Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?

Santa Paws.

How much did Santa Claus pay for his sleigh?

Nothing, it was on the house.

Where does Santa Claus keep his money?

In a snow bank.

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Where does Santa stay when he goes on holiday?

At a ho-ho-ho-tel.

Who delivers Christmas presents to cats?

Santa Claws.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claus-trophobic.

Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho.

whiskeyman · 12-12-2018 9:22pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed the Zoo making random demands. He has taken six ostriches...

Apparently he's demanding huge romans!

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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