Returning emigrants who big themselves up in an unsuccessful bid to impress

Sunny Disposition · 28-12-2019 11:55pm #1

Live in a small town. Met a young man last night home from abroad for Christmas who had a conversation with myself and another guy for about 20 minutes. He subtly bragged about how much he was earning, how important his ‘role’ is, how well his family are doing.

At the end of the conversation I was feeling sympathetic to him more than anything. For some reason having made the decision to go away and build a life elsewhere he still needs the validation of the opinion of the community he comes from.

Would many of our emigrants on here understand this? Most people would dismiss the guy as a dckhead, but I think it’s more complex. Genuinely interested in why people feel like this.

Sesame · 29-12-2019 12:07am

Yes, experienced it myself last week. Friend from childhood. Met him in a pub and we were talking about our town. Another friend and I were saying it was a nice place to bring up kids and then hotshot friend chipped in with "yeah, it's a nice town I might consider moving back when I'm very old, harhar".
It's an insecurity thing. He wanted to diss the area he grew up in and give the impression he's too cool for that now.
I think these people just want to brag really and it's not much more complex than that.
The irony is, from our gang of friends we have all lived away and ended up moving back to the home town by choice except him.

Sunny Disposition · 29-12-2019 12:36am

But they obviously know well they are doing it. So why do it? Can people really think that bragging isn’t going to be spotted? Lived in the UK for much of my young life but as far as I remember I was generally talking down how things were going when I used to come back at Christmas.

29-12-2019 12:39am

There must be something in the air....

What's with all the inferiority complexes? You have your perspective and opinions, they have theirs. You can both be right, to a degree.

Think about it this way;

There are a lot of crappy little bogholes all over Ireland full of proud locals who were born and raised there, left to go on a J1 or a working holiday somewhere, before going back home because they missed their mammy and their pals from the local GAA team, or whatever.

If someone from another part of the country visited, they'd wonder exactly why anyone would really WANT to live there, if they had a choice. They just don't get it, because their own perspective on what makes a place somewhere they'd want to live differs from that of the locals. You don't have to be an emigrant to look at a place and realise it's just 'not for you'.

And that's okay. It's perfectly fine.

So why is it not okay for someone to grow up somewhere, move away and when they return realise that their perspective has changed and the place they grew up in and knew so well is no longer somewhere they'd choose to live, at that point in their life?

It's perfectly okay. And let's face it, it's only the people who haven't changed their perspective despite their 'travels' that would take any offence at all, or take it as a sort of dig at them.

If you like where you live, great. If they don't want to live there now, great. It should make no difference to you. And if you're not interested in hearing how someone's life is different someplace else, somewhere different to your famliar parish or townland, just don't ask. And if you haven't asked, but someone's sharing with you how happy they are and how well they're doing elsewhere, would you not just be happy for them that they're happy and life is going well for them?

The inferiority complexes and begrudgery is a total pox in Ireland. And it's much, much worse 'down the country' as far as I can see. It's like any time spent away was really only spent pining for what you'd left behind. Not everyone feels like they're missing out. There are plenty who are glad to leave that place and its small minded, nosey, bitchy oul wans (used in a gender non-specific manner there) behind.

Is it any wonder, when ye're the sort they'd have had to be dealing with? Best of luck to them too.

pearcider · 29-12-2019 12:41am

Just a narcissist nothing to do with emigration. You meet them in all walks of life and they are insufferable to live with.

Purple Mountain · 29-12-2019 12:41am

So a typical St Stephen's night in any rural pub?

elperello · 29-12-2019 12:46am

Your hunch is correct, there is a lot going on with this guy
The complexity of the relationship between the emigrant and home is nothing new.
It's been there down through the generations since we started emigrating .
Just cut your old mate some slack, enjoy the few pints and the chat.
It might be the last chance for a while to touch base.

29-12-2019 12:49am

Maybe, he just thought he was talking to friends?
Maybe he thought you might actually be interested in his life?
Maybe he was just shooting the **** having a few pints with his 'friends'

Shefwedfan · 29-12-2019 12:50am

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

Live in a small town. Met a young man last night home from abroad for Christmas who had a conversation with myself and another guy for about 20 minutes. He subtly bragged about how much he was earning, how important his ‘role’ is, how well his family are doing.

At the end of the conversation I was feeling sympathetic to him more than anything. For some reason having made the decision to go away and build a life elsewhere he still needs the validation of the opinion of the community he comes from.

Would many of our emigrants on here understand this? Most people would dismiss the guy as a dckhead, but I think it’s more complex. Genuinely interested in why people feel like this.

Why would they dismiss him as a dixkhead?

If he was a mate of mine I would be happy to see he is doing well and happy in life, of course I would tell him next round is on him

Dj Stiggie · 29-12-2019 1:16am

Sounds like you asked him how he was getting on and he committed the cardinal sin of giving an honest answer.

Probably picked that habit up away foreign too.

29-12-2019 1:22am

Maybe you misunderstood. Point is, whenever someone living abroad for a while returns, the only thing they have to talk about is their life abroad... and compare it with the life they left behind. Coming home each time brings back the differences, and it seems like an interesting topic for discussion, although I've learned that many people don't care to hear about it. They'd be happier if you'd gone abroad and been a dismal failure instead. That guy will probably realise this pretty quickly and not speak about it that way again.

I've lived in China for over a decade, and it's a substantial chunk of my life experience. I can't really go back to discussing the topics I had with my friends before I left because I'm no longer connected with that lifestyle. Even though I live in a country, that none of my friends (or most people I've met) have ever been to, there's a remarkable lack of interest in learning what it's like (whereas in other countries, people are very interested). I picked up on that the first time I came home after being in China for two years. Don't really talk about it anymore.

As for validation, we all want to be admired for our accomplishments sometimes. I'd imagine most men would seek that validation from a female audience though.

AllForIt · 29-12-2019 1:23am

I'm mildly amused by the sudden increase in city swagger and the overly dressy jackets worn daytime (usually long and brown) you see ppl wearing in some budget German supermarkets around here of late, amounts other places.

The reason I get out of their way is not because I'm impressed but because I don't want anyone to think I know them personally by being in their vicinity.

Raconteuse · 29-12-2019 1:25am

Dj Stiggie wrote: »

Sounds like you asked him how he was getting on and he committed the cardinal sin of giving an honest answer.

This. The analysis of his character is gas.

29-12-2019 1:25am

AllForIt wrote: »

I'm mildly amused by the sudden increase in city swagger and the overly dressy jackets worn daytime (usually long and brown) you see ppl wearing in some budget German supermarkets around here of late, amounts other places.

The reason I get out of their way is not because I'm impressed but because I don't want anyone to think I know them personally by being in their vicinity.

I rest my case.

Ipso · 29-12-2019 1:26am

Dj Stiggie wrote: »

Sounds like you asked him how he was getting on and he committed the cardinal sin of giving an honest answer.

Probably picked that habit up away foreign too.

Then there’s the great Irish trait of being able to give it but not take it.

LaFuton · 29-12-2019 1:27am

should be lined up and shot. at dawn.

leavy bastards

29-12-2019 1:28am

AllForIt wrote: »

I'm mildly amused by the sudden increase in city swagger and the overly dressy jackets worn daytime (usually long and brown) you see ppl wearing in some budget German supermarkets around here of late, amounts other places.

The reason I get out of their way is not because I'm impressed but because I don't want anyone to think I know them personally by being in their vicinity.

And shur, aren't you grand in your PJs. I do wonder, would you have a different set of PJs for bed time, or do you just go commando?

Sunny Disposition · 29-12-2019 1:28am

The young guy is not a mate of mine at all, just someone who would be known to me. That’s part of what’s strange about his behaviour.

It’s not begrudgery to not enjoy listening to boasting lads, am struggling to understand why someone would brag in the way this lad did. There does seem to be a complex relationship between younger fellas who go abroad and their home places.

touts · 29-12-2019 1:30am

Every Christmas there are an awful lot of UK reg Jags and Land Rovers and Porches driving around the Irish countryside. Funny thing is most of them will be back with the rental companies by the 2nd January. It's all a facade. Life's a struggle for everyone no matter if you love in Longford or London. But because Mrs Murphy's little bollox, who works for a city bank don't you know (but who actually served you at a desk in Middlesex back in June) came home with a rented Porsche last year you have to turn up in a Jag this year to let mammy save face.

29-12-2019 1:33am

touts wrote: »

But because Mrs Murphy's little bollox came home with a Porsche last year you have to turn up in a Jag this year to let mammy save face.

If he turns up in a jag after the little bollox turned up in a Porsche I'd be scarlet for his mother :pac: Different leagues.

SEPT 23 1989 · 29-12-2019 1:35am

total difference between those who left by choice and those people who didn’t

Sunny Disposition · 29-12-2019 1:35am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Maybe you misunderstood. Point is, whenever someone living abroad for a while returns, the only thing they have to talk about is their life abroad... and compare it with the life they left behind. Coming home each time brings back the differences, and it seems like an interesting topic for discussion, although I've learned that many people don't care to hear about it. They'd be happier if you'd gone abroad and been a dismal failure instead. That guy will probably realise this pretty quickly and not speak about it that way again.

I've lived in China for over a decade, and it's a substantial chunk of my life experience. I can't really go back to discussing the topics I had with my friends before I left because I'm no longer connected with that lifestyle. Even though I live in a country, that none of my friends (or most people I've met) have ever been to, there's a remarkable lack of interest in learning what it's like (whereas in other countries, people are very interested). I picked up on that the first time I came home after being in China for two years. Don't really talk about it anymore.

As for validation, we all want to be admired for our accomplishments sometimes. I'd imagine most men would seek that validation from a female audience though.

Of course it’s interesting to hear about people’s life abroad. But telling me he was on a hyper income within 30 seconds of me asking about the weather in Auckland is very strange behaviour.

James Bond Junior · 29-12-2019 1:40am

I read the OP and thought it was me you were writing about. 100% it is a subtle justification for oneself for making the move. I was 10 years in a basic role in Ireland, career progression was nil and there was little to no motivation to work any harder. Abroad I have been promoted into highest role of senior management. Timing, hard work, Irish adaptability and good luck meant I was accelerated where as in Ireland I was stagnating. I'm sure your pal experienced similar, give him his moment. I don't want to be an Ireland basher, I will return after a few years to raise a family, but like many whom move abroad to work, it can be hard to get ahead in Ireland on merit alone which is hard to take when you can in other places. Hard not to feel smug or appear so as a result but at the end of the day I went abroad mainly to improve life for my wife and I when we return HOME.

Dothebartman · 29-12-2019 1:46am

Yea i'm in the US the last two years and when you do live abroad and do well it has changed me to be honest. When i go home i see the usual people still sipping pints in the local pub it makes me cringe and think that my life is so much better than theirs and how boring my life was back in Ireland. Even successful people in Ireland i look down and think why the hell would you stay in Ireland.

I'd never say anything and only mention the US if asked first and never hype myself up but it really does change you. I know it sounds like i'm a prick but its the same with a lot of people who are doing well abroad. Its a huge sense of achievement.

The Beer obviously got the better of the lad in OP's opening post I'd imagine.

maccored · 29-12-2019 1:48am

OP, did you say any of this to your friend at the time, or did you just think 'oh goodie, I can be offended on boards in the morning'?

Motivator · 29-12-2019 1:50am

It’s christmas and every town and village across Ireland has people returning from out foreign.

We’d a similar experience Monday night in the pub. A chap we were very pally with in school was home for a couple of days and he regaled is with stories of his current job and lifestyle. He’s doing great for himself and he wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea because his instagram and Facebook have become a shrine to his first class flights to Asia and the USA.

Although his boasting became tiresome after a while it was nice to hear something different than the same stories and topic of conversations that I hear in the pub the other 51 weeks of the year.

29-12-2019 1:51am

Dothebartman wrote: »

Yea i'm in the US the last two years and when you do live abroad and do well it has changed me to be honest. When i go home i see the usual people still sipping pints in the local pub it makes me cringe and think that my life is so much better than theirs and how boring my life was back in Ireland. Even successful people in Ireland i look down and think why the hell would you stay in Ireland.

And yet you're going to retire in Ireland at a relatively young age. You're going to have many years of looking down on the locals. :rolleyes:

ILoveYourVibes · 29-12-2019 1:51am

I don't mind it ..i am a simple girl i am easily impressed.

Dothebartman · 29-12-2019 1:53am

Deleted User wrote: »

And yet you're going to retire in Ireland at a relatively young age. You're going to have many years of looking down on the locals. :rolleyes:

How is that? I won't be coming back to Ireland to retire?

Like I said living abroad does something to you, i don't see myself as snobby and never say anything but it's in my head.

Sunny Disposition · 29-12-2019 1:56am

maccored wrote: »

OP, did you say any of this to your friend at the time, or did you just think 'oh goodie, I can be offended on boards in the morning'?

Tried to tone him down by gently slagging him. Didn’t really work, so said good luck and headed off. The boaster isn’t a friend btw, lot younger than me, just someone I’d know.

greencap · 29-12-2019 1:57am

Any prick can go live abroad these days. Travel is no longer exotic in the 80s sense.

Living somewhere else is not an achievement.
If anything living in the Irish housing market is.

Returning emigrants who big themselves up in an unsuccessful bid to impress

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