What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar · 13-09-2019 5:39pm

Ush1 wrote: »

Was taking a slash at the far end urinal in work today next to the cubicles.

I had just started straining the spuds when I noticed a foot under the first cubicle stall wall, and then with that, the ****er just depressed the airbrakes. It went on for a good 10 seconds, an echoey hissing sound with a pop at the end and he let out a big sigh, he was obviously pre stool and just warming up but Christ the bang! I couldn't finish me p*ss quick enough once that f*cker fumigated the immediate area.

Don't need that on a Friday.

Usually a precursor to a well marbled, ribbed log dropping into the pot.

Nothing but net.

Deebles McBeebles · 13-09-2019 5:40pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

I was in Dublin last weekend and got caught short in town, lucky there was a decent jax downstairs in Arnotts.
It was decent enough - nothing like the 4th floor in Brown Thomas on Grafton St. but still - very welcome when one is goosestepping with the old turtles head poking through the sheriffs badge.

decent soap and hand cream too - very refreshing.

Yet another branch to the public service this thread provides, a public jacks review. Great stuff, Hector. You'll be rewarded, in this life or the next.

Voodoomelon · 13-09-2019 8:16pm

So when/where is the What's The Etiquette Here meet up? Might I bring up The Shelbourne once more, nice bar, top class sh1tters and two doormen to keep the knuckle draggers out. We could discuss the Brendans ideals of papering down, goalpost analogies and theorise as to what happened yer man contemplating taking his frozen sh1ts to work in the wifes Tupperware.

Bullocks · 15-09-2019 6:24am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

So when/where is the What's The Etiquette Here meet up? Might I bring up The Shelbourne once more, nice bar, top class sh1tters and two doormen to keep the knuckle draggers out. We could discuss the Brendans ideals of papering down, goalpost analogies and theorise as to what happened yer man contemplating taking his frozen sh1ts to work in the wifes Tupperware.

The venue would want to pre book dyna rod or someone cos no doubt people would want to leave their mark !

fuerte1976 · 15-09-2019 10:12am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

So when/where is the What's The Etiquette Here meet up? Might I bring up The Shelbourne once more, nice bar, top class sh1tters and two doormen to keep the knuckle draggers out. We could discuss the Brendans ideals of papering down, goalpost analogies and theorise as to what happened yer man contemplating taking his frozen sh1ts to work in the wifes Tupperware.

Ah here, what about the country folk?
Something the exact opposite of what you describe is warranted - to see how the other half live kinda thing.
A sheebeen in Tipperary or similar I'd be thinking or like some of the utter **** holes I frequent here in Kerry.

Ona side note, I left a present in the Gresham yesterday morning before I re commenced consumption.
Bad day at the office for bar staff after I departed-- and later on for Kerry in general..

15-09-2019 10:21pm

I had a great clear out today. French toast with rashers for brunch and a 10oz strip loin steak with potato croquettes for dinner. Fired a mighty torpedo down the range after dinner, minimal cleaning required and odourless to boot. Felt absolutely fantastic afterwards and had a really good day. Why can't life be like this all the time?

JohnnyFlash · 15-09-2019 10:51pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I had a great clear out today. French toast with rashers for brunch and a 10oz strip loin steak with potato croquettes for dinner. Fired a mighty torpedo down the range after dinner, minimal cleaning required and odourless to boot. Felt absolutely fantastic afterwards and had a really good day. Why can't life be like this all the time?

A good shîte can be an almost transcendental experience. I’ve been on the spelt bread, smoothies, and salads for the past week. Dropping lovely smooth batons, with little to no paperwork required. I know some people are into mediation or exercise in the morning, but I feel a proper shįte beats any of them. The rest of the day just ‘clicks’. Can anyone confirm this is the case?

Roger Hassenforder · 16-09-2019 12:27am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

A good shîte can be an almost transcendental experience. I’ve been on the spelt bread, smoothies, and salads for the past week. Dropping lovely smooth batons, with little to no paperwork required. I know some people are into mediation or exercise in the morning, but I feel a proper shįte beats any of them. The rest of the day just ‘clicks’. Can anyone confirm this is the case?

Being having a lot of salads n veggies lately, less meat, more water.
They're magnificent

Aglomerado · 16-09-2019 9:29am

On the Camino de Santiago at the moment and had a proper clear out this morning before setting off for the day's walking. 10k in and far from the next town I felt an enemy at the gates. The piles of horse sh1t and papers in the bushes made me think I wouldn't make it any worse. But I had nothing to wipe with.
I saw a church and went in and said a little prayer that the load would hold until I got to a cafe.
My prayer was answered and I ordered a coffee before nipping to the aseo to unleash an unholy beast from my hole. Then there was no paper! I'm still here drinking my coffee and smirking at the fent I left behind me.

Brendan Bendar · 16-09-2019 9:52am

Aglomerado wrote: »

On the Camino de Santiago at the moment and had a proper clear out this morning before setting off for the day's walking. 10k in and far from the next town I felt an enemy at the gates. The piles of horse sh1t and papers in the bushes made me think I wouldn't make it any worse. But I had nothing to wipe with.
I saw a church and went in and said a little prayer that the load would hold until I got to a cafe.
My prayer was answered and I ordered a coffee before nipping to the aseo to unleash an unholy beast from my hole. Then there was no paper! I'm still here drinking my coffee and smirking at the fent I left behind me.

Just.....a fent!

(Said in the voice of that one in the ‘granny necklace’ ad with the glasses)

Hector Savage · 16-09-2019 10:32am

Aglomerado wrote: »

On the Camino de Santiago at the moment and had a proper clear out this morning before setting off for the day's walking. 10k in and far from the next town I felt an enemy at the gates. The piles of horse sh1t and papers in the bushes made me think I wouldn't make it any worse. But I had nothing to wipe with.
I saw a church and went in and said a little prayer that the load would hold until I got to a cafe.
My prayer was answered and I ordered a coffee before nipping to the aseo to unleash an unholy beast from my hole. Then there was no paper! I'm still here drinking my coffee and smirking at the fent I left behind me.

No paper !
How did you clean the starfish ?

16-09-2019 10:44am

Hector Savage wrote: »

Aglomerado wrote: »

On the Camino de Santiago at the moment and had a proper clear out this morning before setting off for the day's walking. 10k in and far from the next town I felt an enemy at the gates. The piles of horse sh1t and papers in the bushes made me think I wouldn't make it any worse. But I had nothing to wipe with.
I saw a church and went in and said a little prayer that the load would hold until I got to a cafe.
My prayer was answered and I ordered a coffee before nipping to the aseo to unleash an unholy beast from my hole. Then there was no paper! I'm still here drinking my coffee and smirking at the fent I left behind me.

No paper !
How did you clean the starfish ?

Divine intervention?

Aglomerado · 16-09-2019 11:05am

Hector Savage wrote: »

Aglomerado wrote: »

On the Camino de Santiago at the moment and had a proper clear out this morning before setting off for the day's walking. 10k in and far from the next town I felt an enemy at the gates. The piles of horse sh1t and papers in the bushes made me think I wouldn't make it any worse. But I had nothing to wipe with.
I saw a church and went in and said a little prayer that the load would hold until I got to a cafe.
My prayer was answered and I ordered a coffee before nipping to the aseo to unleash an unholy beast from my hole. Then there was no paper! I'm still here drinking my coffee and smirking at the fent I left behind me.

No paper !
How did you clean the starfish ?

I had some paper napkins from the cafe

. Cut the sphincter off me though, like 1990s secondary school toilet paper.

Hector Savage · 16-09-2019 1:47pm

Jaysus lads!!!!!!!
I've been fairly regular over the weekend and this morning, but just after lunch I was at my desk and lucky enough today the desks around me are empty, I let off a few long thick silent types (which is unusual considering I dropped off a large buttery log this morning).
Jaysus normally I don't mind the stench of my own farts but f*ck me, these things could have killed the dog - like a high concentration of rotten eggs - desperate stuff!
I opened the window and only slightly improved things.
Went to the jax to clear out the pipes and let out a scutthery drittle of black rancid midden - again normally I don't mind the stench but had to flush asap to be free of that thing - reminded me of the Fr. Ted episode where he was talking about flushing the jax after Fr. Jack has used it.

Reckon it was last nights dinner, was a bit lazy and didn't cook so got some instant pasta in a pack.

Back at my desk I can still smell the farts - 20 mins later, I think it's just part of the chair now, I might need to do a sneaky swap later when office is empty.

Aglomerado · 16-09-2019 2:03pm

Definitely last nights camino pilgrim dinner didn't agree with me...I've fired off four shots of watery drittle since the cafe this morning. One in a field I'm ashamed to say. I saw a large horned bull dropping a few logs in another field a few metres away and I must have had sympathy pains. Fúcking thing looked like a map of Sh1taly!
The live Camino de Santiago sh1t saga will continue!

Hector Savage · 16-09-2019 2:26pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

Definitely last nights camino pilgrim dinner didn't agree with me...I've fired off four shots of watery drittle since the cafe this morning. One in a field I'm ashamed to say. I saw a large horned bull dropping a few logs in another field a few metres away and I must have had sympathy pains. Fúcking thing looked like a map of Sh1taly!
The live Camino de Santiago sh1t saga will continue!

I wouldn't be ashamed of sh*tting in a field in Spain Aglo.
They seem to love outdoor pooing in Espanola! Go to any national park and go off the beaten track - sh*ty toilet paper and mounds of human crap everywhere - desperate stuff!!

EmmetSpiceland · 16-09-2019 2:28pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

I wouldn't be ashamed of sh*tting in a field in Spain Aglo.
They seem to love outdoor pooing in Espanola! Go to any national park and go off the beaten track - sh*ty toilet paper and mounds of human crap everywhere - desperate stuff!!

Sure they even have a little lad shítting in the “nativity” scenes over there.

Aglomerado · 16-09-2019 4:38pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Hector Savage wrote: »

I wouldn't be ashamed of sh*tting in a field in Spain Aglo.
They seem to love outdoor pooing in Espanola! Go to any national park and go off the beaten track - sh*ty toilet paper and mounds of human crap everywhere - desperate stuff!!

Sure they even have a little lad shítting in the “nativity” scenes over there.

Yes, the caganer. I will be in Barcelona next week, and I'm getting myself one

Aglomerado · 16-09-2019 4:38pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Hector Savage wrote: »

I wouldn't be ashamed of sh*tting in a field in Spain Aglo.
They seem to love outdoor pooing in Espanola! Go to any national park and go off the beaten track - sh*ty toilet paper and mounds of human crap everywhere - desperate stuff!!

Sure they even have a little lad shítting in the “nativity” scenes over there.

Yes, the caganer. I will be in Barcelona next week, and I'm getting myself one

Aglomerado · 16-09-2019 4:38pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Hector Savage wrote: »

I wouldn't be ashamed of sh*tting in a field in Spain Aglo.
They seem to love outdoor pooing in Espanola! Go to any national park and go off the beaten track - sh*ty toilet paper and mounds of human crap everywhere - desperate stuff!!

Sure they even have a little lad shítting in the “nativity” scenes over there.

Yes, the caganer. I will be in Barcelona next week, and I'm getting myself one

Hal3000 · 16-09-2019 7:15pm

The security guard in our place who always eats those Microwaveable hamburgers unleashed an ungodly crap in the gents this morning. The drafty weather spread the fumes and several cleaning ladies apparently made complaints. I’d say he’d a skinful after the Dubs win over the weekend followed up by a load of tinned - frozen sh*t for his evening meals. 2 hours after his sitting and his smell was still powerful. Watching reactions walking by was interesting. A few lads in black polo shirts and Snickers cacks went in with a load of cleaning gear and it’s been closed ever since.

Brings me to my point, do you know anyone that can shut a Jax down or clear a dance floor etc ?

Brendan Bendar · 16-09-2019 7:31pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

I wouldn't be ashamed of sh*tting in a field in Spain Aglo.
They seem to love outdoor pooing in Espanola! Go to any national park and go off the beaten track - sh*ty toilet paper and mounds of human crap everywhere - desperate stuff!!

With the sharp bladed ‘grass’ that grows everywhere down there, I wouldn’t expose the rivet unless major emergency.

Hector Savage · 17-09-2019 9:39am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Sure they even have a little lad shítting in the “nativity” scenes over there.

And a Caga Tio (the poo uncle) in Catalunya, where kids beat the poo uncle up for him to sh*t presents.... and if he doesn't SH*T PRESENTS they threaten him and beat him up more.

Aglomerado wrote: »

Yes, the caganer. I will be in Barcelona next week, and I'm getting myself one

Careful over here, pickpocketers have gotten violent - don't wear a fancy watch, keep that in the hotel safe or don't bring it.

Aglomerado · 17-09-2019 11:41am

Hector Savage wrote: »

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Sure they even have a little lad shítting in the “nativity” scenes over there.

And a Caga Tio (the poo uncle) in Catalunya, where kids beat the poo uncle up for him to sh*t presents.... and if he doesn't SH*T PRESENTS they threaten him and beat him up more.

Aglomerado wrote: »

Yes, the caganer. I will be in Barcelona next week, and I'm getting myself one

Careful over here, pickpocketers have gotten violent - don't wear a fancy watch, keep that in the hotel safe or don't bring it.

Thanks for the tip. The Camino makes you smell like a Badgers arse so should deter them!

EmmetSpiceland · 17-09-2019 12:10pm

I’ve been “dropping” the same farts for nearly a week but today has been the worst of it. Smells like I’ve been on a strict diet of pickled gherkins and old grass. Very sharp smell with some heavy, dull, undertones.

Like someone else mentioned before, the stink seems to have been “absorbed” by my seat so whenever I sit down it causes another cloud of the scent to permeates the air around me.

NeinNeinNein · 17-09-2019 12:16pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ve been “dropping” the same farts for nearly a week but today has been the worst of it. Smells like I’ve been on a strict diet of pickled gherkins and old grass. Very sharp smell with some heavy, dull, undertones.

Like someone else mentioned before, the stink seems to have been “absorbed” by my seat so whenever I sit down it causes another cloud of the scent to permeates the air around me.

Sounds like you followed through. What colour is/was your seat?

Hotblack Desiato · 17-09-2019 12:52pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ve been “dropping” the same farts for nearly a week but today has been the worst of it. Smells like I’ve been on a strict diet of pickled gherkins and old grass. Very sharp smell with some heavy, dull, undertones.

Sounds almost like a wine or whiskey reviewer. "Sharp sulphorous initial notes with a heavy lingering wet compost heap after-smell" sort of thing. Maybe the national newspapers could have a fart review column?

Of course like any good wine or whiskey producer, the real trick is turning out a consistent product every time. Seems you're getting the hang of it :pac:

Like someone else mentioned before, the stink seems to have been “absorbed” by my seat so whenever I sit down it causes another cloud of the scent to permeates the air around me.

Must be fairly rotten if you haven't become immune to it at this stage.

EmmetSpiceland · 17-09-2019 2:13pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Sounds like you followed through. What colour is/was your seat?

Haha, no. Believe me, I know the feeling of a “follow through”.

The seat is navy/black. The smell doesn’t smell like someone shat on it, it’s just been “imbued” with the smell.

I’ll see if I can snag some “Fabreeze” off the cleaner. I’m not swapping my seat with any of the creaky old yokes out there.

NeinNeinNein · 17-09-2019 2:47pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Haha, no. Believe me, I know the feeling of a “follow through”.

The seat is navy/black. The smell doesn’t smell like someone shat on it, it’s just been “imbued” with the smell.

I’ll see if I can snag some “Fabreeze” off the cleaner. I’m not swapping my seat with any of the creaky old yokes out there.

You could always try applying fabreeze at source?

EmmetSpiceland · 17-09-2019 3:51pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

You could always try applying fabreeze at source?

No, no, no. Not going down that “route” again.

As a youth I took aim with a can of “Lynx”, Java, I believe, and opened fire. Direct hit. The sting that took hold was intense.

I ended up, not for the last time in my life, sat over the side of the bath pointing the shower head directly at my hole. The “sting” abated shortly after but lesson learned.

Brendan Bendar · 17-09-2019 6:02pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

No, no, no. Not going down that “route” again.

As a youth I took aim with a can of “Lynx”, Java, I believe, and opened fire. Direct hit. The sting that took hold was intense.

I ended up, not for the last time in my life, sat over the side of the bath pointing the shower head directly at my hole. The “sting” abated shortly after but lesson learned.

Bad mistake Emmett.

Were you expecting a rimming session later, or a licking out?

Not a good move,like I have said previously, don’t spray or douse your rivet in anything but tepid water.

Fcuker can get angry very very quick.

And that not a nice condition...... trust me.

EmmetSpiceland · 17-09-2019 6:39pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Bad mistake Emmett.

Were you expecting a rimming session later, or a licking out?

Not a good move,like I have said previously, don’t spray or douse your rivet in anything but tepid water.

Fcuker can get angry very very quick.

And that not a nice condition...... trust me.

Nah, B. This was when I was a “young buck”. Doubt I could have even imagined getting a “rimmer” back then.

This was just a kid being dumb and thinking a little deodorant “spritz” on the knot would be a good idea after a shower.

Can’t imagine any young one enjoying a “tongueful” of Lynx Java, or Africa, when lapping at the back door.

Live and learn, lads.

padd b1975 · 17-09-2019 6:51pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

No, no, no. Not going down that “route” again.

As a youth I took aim with a can of “Lynx”, Java, I believe, and opened fire. Direct hit. The sting that took hold was intense.

I ended up, not for the last time in my life, sat over the side of the bath pointing the shower head directly at my hole. The “sting” abated shortly after but lesson learned.

Worse than an afternoon in The Boilerhouse Emmet?

Brendan Bendar · 17-09-2019 7:22pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Nah, B. This was when I was a “young buck”. Doubt I could have even imagined getting a “rimmer” back then.

This was just a kid being dumb and thinking a little deodorant “spritz” on the knot would be a good idea after a shower.

Can’t imagine any young one enjoying a “tongueful” of Lynx Java, or Africa, when lapping at the back door.

Live and learn, lads.

Understood lad, understood.

Bye the bye always got a good reaction from the ‘young wans’ if you dabbed your knot with a ...fcuk cant think of the name of them .... the bacon crisps lads with the streaks of bacon through them.

Break a few of them between your cheeks and massage the crumble well in the knot, bit of a sting at first, but the young wans got serious box batter up once they got the whiff of those lads.

Put is this way, you went home with a burnished ringpiece.

JohnnyFlash · 17-09-2019 7:32pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Understood lad, understood.

Bye the bye always got a good reaction from the ‘young wans’ if you dabbed your knot with a ...fcuk cant think of the name of them .... the bacon crisps lads with the streaks of bacon through them.

Break a few of them between your cheeks and massage the crumble well in the knot, bit of a sting at first, but the young wans got serious box batter up once they got the whiff of those lads.

Put is this way, you went home with a burnished ringpiece.

More than likely to be Fr, Terence Gilhooley going for the ‘full Irish’ with you, Brendan. Few ‘holes’ in your story.

Brendan Bendar · 17-09-2019 7:37pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

More than likely to be Fr, Terence Gilhooley going for the ‘full Irish’ with you, Brendan. Few ‘holes’ in your story.

Very unfair comment there John, not a shred of evidence to support your accusation.

Maybe your encounter with Bro Celsius Devine in the sacristy after Benediction has clouded your judgement.

Knob like a Ping G40 Driver they say........

EmmetSpiceland · 17-09-2019 7:44pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

Worse than an afternoon in The Boilerhouse Emmet?

Not my “scene”, P. Nothing against it either, I voted yes in that equal marriage vote.

Would you be in there yourself much? Taking one for the “team”. More power to you.

partyguinness · 17-09-2019 8:27pm

Jesus Christ....I think the powers that be need to expand the emoticon menu as words escape me reading this thread.

Pintman Paddy Losty · 17-09-2019 8:32pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Not my “scene”, P. Nothing against it either, I voted yes in that equal marriage vote.

Would you be in there yourself much? Taking one for the “team”. More power to you.

Think padd is more a "dogging" and "cottaging" sort. Word has it his 2001 peugot 308 car van can be found in all the hotpots around the city when he's up on deliveries in the big smoke.

padd b1975 · 17-09-2019 8:36pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Not my “scene”, P. Nothing against it either, I voted yes in that equal marriage vote.

Would you be in there yourself much? Taking one for the “team”. More power to you.

Definitely not my scene, more of a Knightsbridge punter to be honest.

Rumour has it a former Welsh rugby international was a gold card member.

padd b1975 · 17-09-2019 8:41pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Think padd is more a "dogging" and "cottaging" sort. Word has it his 2001 peugot 308 car van can be found in all the hotpots around the city when he's up on deliveries in the big smoke.

181 Scania S Series these days Pàdraig.

Your Peugeot 407 would be well known in the Poolbeg environs I'd say, whiling away the early hours tipping the brake pedal and turning on and off the interior light.

fuerte1976 · 17-09-2019 8:43pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

Rumour has it a former Welsh rugby international was a gold card member.

Ah no.. No need to go there on here...

padd b1975 · 17-09-2019 8:50pm

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Ah no.. No need to go there on here...

Bit of a low blow right enough.

Apologies for that.

fuerte1976 · 17-09-2019 9:25pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

Apologies for that.

No need to apologise to me brother...

Now back to the pewter predicaments!

Pintman Paddy Losty · 17-09-2019 9:30pm

fuerte1976 wrote: »

No need to apologise to me brother...

Now back to the pewter predicaments!

This thread is a free market exchange of ideas. A senate of debate and discussion. Every now and again the topics will veer off the main point of discussion to other pressing issues such as amorous clerical advances, tips for adding some zing to the ring piece to tickle the ladies or the intricacies of signalling in the homosexual dogging scenes. That's natural. Let the thing flow dude.

fuerte1976 · 17-09-2019 9:33pm

I'm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

fuerte1976 wrote: »

No need to apologise to me brother...

Now back to the pewter predicaments!

This thread is a free market exchange of ideas. A senate of debate and discussion. Every now and again the topics will veer off the main point of discussion to other pressing issues such as amorous clerical advances, tips for adding some zing to the ring piece to tickle the ladies or the intricacies of signalling in the homosexual dogging scenes. That's natural. Let the thing flow dude.

Ffs!
Im bunged up.. Maybe that's the issue!

JohnnyFlash · 17-09-2019 9:36pm

colt45 wrote: »

imgur.com/a/8uC5UVJ
Full support of cultural enrichment is the approved position, no criticism allowed

Go and take a shïte, you cross-eyed racist.

17-09-2019 9:36pm

colt45 wrote: »

imgur.com/a/8uC5UVJ
Full support of cultural enrichment is the approved position, no criticism allowed

What's that got to do with the etiquette around taking a sh*te?

EmmetSpiceland · 17-09-2019 9:37pm

Don’t soil the “etiquette” thread with unwanted nonsense!

TomSweeney · 17-09-2019 9:46pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

You could always try applying fabreeze at source?

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

No, no, no. Not going down that “route” again.

As a youth I took aim with a can of “Lynx”, Java, I believe, and opened fire. Direct hit. The sting that took hold was intense.

I ended up, not for the last time in my life, sat over the side of the bath pointing the shower head directly at my hole. The “sting” abated shortly after but lesson learned.

Enjoying this thread immensely!

But can I just warn people about spraying any gas near ANY orifice in the human body, it can cause sudden death.
It's the same phenomena that can kill you if an air bubble is injected with a syringe.

DO NOT SPRAY/PUMP/BLOW ANY GASES NEAR ANY ORIFICE!!!

What's the etiquette here??

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