What's the etiquette here??

Former Observer

Welcome back. Thought the thread had its first fatality.

JohnnyFlash

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Ha ha I'm alright lads. Hiatus hernia!!! Not caused by air!

Oh ya, they fill up the bowel with air. I know that, I've had it done myself in the past. That was a fun car journey home, herself was near catatonic with the unbridled noises eminating from the passenger seat

You say anything amusing as you loudly farted? Something like ‘And now the President, Michael D Higgins’, or ‘better out than the gable end of a house’. Chicks love witty word play like that. Has them dripping like a fûcked fridge.

Aglomerado

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You say anything amusing as you loudly farted? Something like ‘And now the President, Michael D Higgins’, or ‘better out than the gable end of a house’. Chicks love witty word play like that. Has them dripping like a fûcked fridge.

"Sew a button on that one, vicar"

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

To be fair Emmet, if the Dyson Airblade ripped a hole in his sack and sucked out one of his nuts I'd shed no tear. Tremendous wind speed on those things. Are you acquainted? Most of our bathrooms have them fitted now, with three level flushes.

Regarding your buddy with the four poster, it sounds like he may have ended up with a prolapsed anus. Actually an attractive feature in certain, underground, circles. A man with a voluptuous, tail-like protuberance can fetch a high price. There are all kinds of unfathomable activities they get up to: "tug of war", "pin the tail on the donkey", "row row row your boat". All very sexual. Makes one feel very "vanilla". Very dark world out there.

I’m well acquainted with the Airblade, for its “intended” use on the hands anyway. Would sorely love to have such “quality” dryers in the facilities here. Unfortunately, we’re stuck with the very weak “DanFlow” dryers. All they do is push the water around on your skin. You have to “augment” your hand drying with dipping into your back pockets and maybe the back of your head for the final flourish.

Regarding my pal and his “injury”, I can assure you it wasn’t his anus, but, that’s not to say, he didn’t venture down that route. No, this was a “píss pipe” issue, the scar tissue grows back and squeezes it shut, hence the necessity of the “re-bore”.

Considering he was experimenting with such things at such a young age, mid teens, I would not be one bit surprised if he went down the “prolapse” route, selling off a sniff of his “anal rose” to the highest bidder. Ghastly stuff, if you ask me, but what “consenting” adults get up to is their own, sordid, business really.

partyguinness

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Jesus, F, that sounds like,almost, deviant behaviour. You’d have to imagine he’s getting some sort of sexual “buzz” out of that. Some weird type of “ghost frottaging”.

He’d want to be careful, who knows what sort of damage or injury one could visit upon themselves sling their “junk” in there? There’s no real “mechanisms” they could get caught in but a power surge, or some such, could blast his bollocks to the side of the Airblade or send them into a painful “twist”.

It’s amazing the levels some people will sink to get their “kicks”. I knew a lad who used to talk constantly about “delayed gratification”, “edging” I believe it’s commonly called these days.

Anyway, this lad would be pulling the plum off himself and just when he’d get up to the “vinegar strokes” he’d jam two fingers, really hard, into his “barse” to stop anything getting through.

Sure enough, after “practising” this for long enough the old “two fingers” weren’t enough so he took to squatting, hard, down onto the end of his bed as it had a high, rounded, shape that really helped. He used to boast about his “technique” and how he’d be able to “please” any woman, once he got the chance, far better than any of us.

Then there was an “incident”. I’m not sure of what exactly occurred, as I wasn’t there, but I heard the “official” and put two and two together. The “official” line, from his mother was that he “fell” onto the wooden bit at the end of his bed. An ambulance was called and he was off to hospital.

It’s pretty obvious that he was engaging in some of his patented “edging” when he must have backed down onto the bed frame far too hard. The outcome was that he did some terrible damage to his “urethra” pipe, damage that led to scar tissue that requires him to go in for a “re-bore” every few years when the pain gets too much. The story he tells now is that it’s as a result of a bad “tackle” in a soccer match.

Some people really do push things too far, you might think about warning your “dodgy” workmate there, F. Wouldn’t wish anyone having their sac “torn” off or anything like that.

There is a suspiciously impressive amount of detail in that story to pass it off as a 'lad I knew'...;)

Former Observer

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Regarding my pal and his “injury”, I can assure you it wasn’t his anus, but, that’s not to say, he didn’t venture down that route. No, this was a “píss pipe” issue, the scar tissue grows back and squeezes it shut, hence the necessity of the “re-bore”.

I'm having trouble envisioning the scenario Emmet. How was the uthera damage done do you contend?

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Considering he was experimenting with such things at such a young age, mid teens, I would not be one bit surprised if he went down the “prolapse” route, selling off a sniff of his “anal rose” to the highest bidder. Ghastly stuff, if you ask me, but what “consenting” adults get up to is their own, sordid, business really.

Is that somehow relater to ‘pink socking’?

gerrybbadd

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You say anything amusing as you loudly farted? Something like ‘And now the President, Michael D Higgins’, or ‘better out than the gable end of a house’. Chicks love witty word play like that. Has them dripping like a fûcked fridge.

Naturally Johnathan, couldn't let those moments pass without some witty interjection.

Better out than your eye
Best take small sniffs on that wan
Awful creak in that floorboard
Get to the Choppa (for those machine Gunner ones)
The Japs experienced less battillion fire during WW2

And the classic look all around, feigning confusion as to the source of the noises followed by "**** was that?"

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

There is a suspiciously impressive amount of detail in that story to pass it off as a 'lad I knew'...;)

Haha, cheeky pup!

Former Observer wrote: »

I'm having trouble envisioning the scenario Emmet. How was the uthera damage done do you contend?

It’s a tricky one, F, and one I’m not too “familiar” with it myself but around behind the “ballbag” as part of the “barse” in the “infrapubic angle” one can apply pressure to stop the flow in the “urethra”.

It seems he put way too much pressure on this area and crushed the “píss pipe”, or some such, leading to scar tissue growing in the area and it still comes back to this day even after the “pipe” gets its “re-bore”.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Is that somehow relater to ‘pink socking’?

I believe it is, J. But, again, I’m no “authority” on that type of “thing” so I would recommend getting a second opinion for true verification.

Former Observer

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

It’s a tricky one, F, and one I’m not too “familiar” with it myself but around behind the “ballbag” as part of the “barse” in the “infrapubic angle” one can apply pressure to stop the flow in the “urethra”.

And would the "re-bore" be done from the front or behind would you say?

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

And would the "re-bore" be done from the front or behind would you say?

To be honest, F, I never went through it with it. It all made me rather “queasy”. I would have thought that when the scar tissue in the “barsal” region was removed that would be the end of the problem.

I’m guess it obviously wasn’t. Maybe the scar tissue grows back or it’s just the the “urethral” integrity was so comprised that it “caves” in and requires “widening”.

One would have to imagine it’s a “frontal” procedure. Unless the scar tissue returns, then it’s going to have to be “open barse surgery” coupled with a “full frontal re-bore”.

It really doesn’t bear thinking about. The “after care” must be “unpleasant”.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You say anything amusing as you loudly farted? Something like ‘And now the President, Michael D Higgins’, or ‘better out than the gable end of a house’. Chicks love witty word play like that. Has them dripping like a fûcked fridge.

‘Jaysus don’t tear it, I’ll take the full length.’

‘Better out than your eye,and the hole won’t be half as sore’

Voodoomelon

Been feeling some serious heat between the cheeks since last night, was wandering around the gym this morning letting the odd quif out in deserted areas, followed by an unsatisfactory warmth emanating from the rear. Was scratching my head as to why this sudden change in arse characteristics. Then I remembered the full bowl of turnip I ate last night along with dinner. Now it all makes sense. I reckon Mr. Shanks is in for a long day today, he better bring his A game.

Brendan Bendar

Just unloaded a serious ‘mushroom top’ into the works pot prior to hitting for the casa.

Igor will have will have work to do to shift that lad.

EmmetSpiceland

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just unloaded a serious ‘mushroom top’ into the works pot prior to hitting for the casa.

Igor will have will have work to do to shift that lad.

Was that one of them “breech” types, B? The ones that have you doing that Lamaze “breathing” to help it on its way out.

Any feeling of ring “bruising” once it eventually slid out of you?

Or are you, perhaps, we’ll used to getting “stretched” so, maybe, you hardly noticed and could afford yourself a sly chuckle at the thoughts of poor “Igor” getting hot and sweaty while he has to wrestle it down the “bend”? Maybe it was more than a “chuckle”?

Only asking, you know?

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Was that one of them “breech” types, B? The ones that have you doing that Lamaze “breathing” to help it on its way out.

Any feeling of ring “bruising” once it eventually slid out of you?

Or are you, perhaps, we’ll used to getting “stretched” so, maybe, you hardly noticed and could afford yourself a sly chuckle at the thoughts of poor “Igor” getting hot and sweaty while he has to wrestle it down the “bend”? Maybe it was more than a “chuckle”?

Only asking, you know?

Very bad approach there Emmett, bad mistake, serious error there.

EmmetSpiceland

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Very bad approach there Emmett, bad mistake, serious error there.

Jeez, sorry if I “touched a nerve” there, B. Never my intention.

Just asking questions, don’t shoot the messenger and all that.

I’ll bid you “good evening” and wish you a pleasant weekend.

armaghlad

Fate. One of those extremely rare occasions where everything just fell into place. Borderline perfection. Went for a few pints yesterday. It’s the 12th July, and up here while the natives are getting restless, those of us who aren’t in Donegal or soaking up the Spanish sun can sneak out early for a few scoops of a school night. I normally empty the bowels early evening after work or first thing in the morning, however my preliminary evacuation yesterday morning left a lot to be desired. So much so, that four pints in, my innards began to warmly inform me that a secondary Henry McKnight was going to be on the cards. Id sooner drop the trunks and squat in the street than use a Belfast pub toilets, luckily I was 20 seconds away from my workplace, which I happened to have the keys for on my person. Nipped into the toilet, which the cleaners god love them had immaculate and let lose with minimal endeavour one of the largest yet most satisfying unloadings I’ve had in a brave while. Mass, consistency, odour, topped with minimal wiping and time spent conducting business, if there was a scale for measuring such wonderful occasions it would be up round the top. No marks on the bowl, one flush required. Usually with drink involved the scene can sometimes resemble a massacre, but I was still in awe this morning thinking back on the previous nights exploits

Former Observer

Little bit of blood on the toilet paper the last few days friends. What could it be? Tearing of the purse lips or inner lining? Could it be a minor abrasion on the inner gluteus maximus? Stool has softened, still mealy but basically soft and sticky. Needs two flushes to remove debris from bowl. Flecks of sawdust on the bowl. Smell of an old mattress soaked in waste water from a fishmonger's.

JohnnyFlash

Former Observer wrote: »

Little bit of blood on the toilet paper the last few days friends. What could it be? Tearing of the purse lips or inner lining? Could it be a minor abrasion on the inner gluteus maximus? Stool has softened, still mealy but basically soft and sticky. Needs two flushes to remove debris from bowl. Flecks of sawdust on the bowl. Smell of an old mattress soaked in waste water from a fishmonger's.

Blood in your stool? You’re drinking yourself to death, man.
Behan was destroyed with an itchy arse and loose movements towards the end of his life. Some would argue that he never produced any artistic work of merit, but a continually ‘angry’ hoop would have done very little for his ability to produce poetry and prose regardless. This was before even sudocream.

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

Little bit of blood on the toilet paper the last few days friends. What could it be? Tearing of the purse lips or inner lining? Could it be a minor abrasion on the inner gluteus maximus? Stool has softened, still mealy but basically soft and sticky. Needs two flushes to remove debris from bowl. Flecks of sawdust on the bowl. Smell of an old mattress soaked in waste water from a fishmonger's.

Going by your posting history on here, F, I’m going to take a “stab” at this. I believe it is one of two things:

1) You’ve over “salved” the ring piece with that steroid cream, I’d suggest moving on to a “tingle” lube. You might not get the same result but you won’t turn your hole “translucent”. Maybe look into other alternatives, you could try using a 9v battery to give your arse a bit of a “buzz”.

2) You’re, and this one I think is most likely, suffering from a dose of “The Gritz”, AKA “Dry Diarrhoea”, “Parched Trots”, “Powdery Poops” etc. You’ll really want to get some wet, slimy, food into you. I believe I suggested a tall glass of buttermilk before but I would add to that list something like “chow mein” from the Chinese, that “spunky” sauce it comes with might help get your stool easing out with a “caul”. This should give your hole some time to heal.

Good luck with it, F, death by a thousand “paper cuts” to the hole would be an extremely unpleasant way to go.

Namaste.

gerrybbadd

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Calm down, lad. It’s only the internet. You seem like a very ‘bound up’ sort of individual at the moment. Get plenty of greens into your diet, and have a good shïte.

Ah, Johnathon, always the oracle of good advice. I had a few peas with a bit of coriander in fried rice last night. That should count, right?

Former Observer

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Going by your posting history on here, F, I’m going to take a “stab” at this. I believe it is one of two things [...]

It was my father who used to apply the steroid cream Emmet, and it's application stopped about 20 years ago this summer after he got rheumatoid arthritis, so I doubt it's that.

A lot of moistness in my stool, almost like putty, or that squishy pollen that used to be going around, and I don't feel any raspiness on my hoop so I don't think it's a case of the "the grits" as you call it. Turds are very mealy but slide out effortlessly. I only notice the blood when I'm going in for the last few wipes.

Probably just a minor abrasion. I'll keep you all updated anyway. I'll buy the buttermilk today as well. Can't hurt.

Hector Savage

Jaysus, watching the Djokovic Federer match yesterday had my guts in bits, the gallon of HopHouse 13 + carbonarra pizza didn't help things either.

Jaysus the stench and state of the pewter, I had to drag the shower and stretch it over to hose it down, I won't use those vile toilet brushes.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Leave him at it, G. Some people obliviously have too much time on their “hands”.

But don’t forget, wasn’t long ago you were saying that I was “Johnny Flash”. It did bother me at the time but, obviously, it’s water under the “U bend” now.

It must be an honour and a privilege to be mistaken for me. I’m a very charismatic and witty dude.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

It must be an honour and a privilege to be mistaken for me. I’m a very charismatic and witty dude.

I’m sure you’re grand, J. But I would imagine we are two, very, different “people”. You’ve also got about 20 years on me.

While I know you’re into sports you come across as an “agricultural” sort, probably grew up “footing” turf and using an “outhouse”. Nothing “wrong” with that now, I’m just pointing out some differences that people shouldn’t confuse one with the other.

Utter Consternation

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’m sure you’re grand, J. But I would imagine we are two, very, different “people”. You’ve also got about 20 years on me.

While I know you’re into sports you come across as an “agricultural” sort, probably grew up “footing” turf and using an “outhouse”. Nothing “wrong” with that now, I’m just pointing out some differences that people shouldn’t confuse one with the other.

A big fan of leaning over a gate, scratching his hole and saying 'there's a grand stretch to the evening.'

Pintman Paddy Losty

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’m sure you’re grand, J. But I would imagine we are two, very, different “people”. You’ve also got about 20 years on me.

While I know you’re into sports you come across as an “agricultural” sort, probably grew up “footing” turf and using an “outhouse”. Nothing “wrong” with that now, I’m just pointing out some differences that people shouldn’t confuse one with the other.

You need to sort out your need to put everything in quotation marks you dingbat.

EmmetSpiceland

Utter Consternation wrote: »

A big fan of leaning over a gate, scratching his hole and saying 'there's a grand stretch to the evening.'

Ah, you know the sort, U. Harmless enough but definitely goes “at it” too often. Probably not giving the arse enough “attention” with the little squares of newspaper from the nail.

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

You need to sort out your need to put everything in quotation marks you dingbat.

Hi, P. Thanks for your “input” but nobody asked you. Now, off you go, there’s a good lad.

Former Observer

A lot of itchy hoops on this thread, must be stickiness caused by the sunny weather. The salt content will aggravate the wound and once you get your claw up in there, or god forbid, you chip your ring with a jagged piece of fingernail, it's very unsettling for a man.