What's the etiquette here??

Former Observer

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Do you think, with repeated and extended use, the baloon knot could just disappear?

Interesting question Gerry. The human body is an amazing thing so I expect that a replacement hole would form up from surrounding material, although it would be weak pitiful thing.

Kind of like chitting through some damp toilet paper or a weak plastic carrier bag with a hole torn in it.

Deebles McBeebles

Off to see the wizard, wish me luck lads. Feels like a heavy one, the kind you might need a good book for, or maybe just a printout of this thread.

Former Observer

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Off to see the wizard, wish me luck lads. Feels like a heavy one, the kind you might need a good book for, or maybe just a printout of this thread.

Don't leave us like that. Give us a recent dietary update before you leave so we can be speculating on turn out.

Deebles McBeebles

Former Observer wrote: »

Don't leave us like that. Give us a recent dietary update before you leave so we can be speculating on turn out.

I'm afraid by the time I had posted the cat was making its way out of the bag.

I did not heed the advice from earlier in the thread and indulged in a spicy pizza last night. Have no issues handling a good curry but there is something about the mix of spice and grease with all that dough that does not sit well. My usual regular occurrence was much lighter in colour and looked like someone had sucked the air out of it.

Thankfully the anorexic look of the turd helped me solve the mystery of where all those peanuts went from a weekend on the porter. All clear for the week ahead I reckon.

Former Observer

A bit of peer pressure there led to me going for breakfast with some of 'the lads'. Christ. Ate a big tub of beans, big tub of mushrooms, 3 hash browns, 2 poached eggs, four pieces of toast, six onion rings, a potato ball, and a fried tomato. Some of these phat phuckers were lashing back four or five clonakility sausages a piece, 4 or 5 rashers, beans, asking for more toast and more sausages. One fellah was actually thinking of getting a steak with rice and chips. For breakfast. Big fat dirty fingers on the lot of them and very coarse humour. Don't know how they get any work done after stuffing themselves like that. I feel like I've been hit by a bus myself. I'd say the amount of combined sewage pumped out by that collection of vermin in the next 24 hours will be something else. All washed back with massive mugs of Maxwell. Sickening. I can feel my purse lips yawning now. Hate to think of myself going through the same wretched evactuatory exercise as those gortesque trogladytes.

JohnnyFlash

Former Observer wrote: »

A bit of peer pressure there led to me going for breakfast with some of 'the lads'. Christ. Ate a big tub of beans, big tub of mushrooms, 3 hash browns, 2 poached eggs, four pieces of toast, six onion rings, a potato ball, and a fried tomato. Some of these phat phuckers were lashing back four or five clonakility sausages a piece, 4 or 5 rashers, beans, asking for more toast and more sausages. One fellah was actually thinking of getting a steak with rice and chips. For breakfast. Big fat dirty fingers on the lot of them and very coarse humour. Don't know how they get any work done after stuffing themselves like that. I feel like I've been hit by a bus myself. I'd say the amount of combined sewage pumped out by that collection of vermin in the next 24 hours will be something else. All washed back with massive mugs of Maxwell. Sickening. I can feel my purse lips yawning now. Hate to think of myself going through the same wretched evactuatory exercise as those gortesque trogladytes.

You some sort of vegetarian? Have heard you folks suffer with very loose and squirty discharges.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You some sort of vegetarian? Have heard you folks suffer with very loose and squirty discharges.

All the chickpeas, lentils and soy-based “products” tend to get “over worked” internally and are ejected with force when the time comes.

This can be avoided by getting some “binding” agent in there, eggs can help you out there.

Former Observer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You some sort of vegetarian? Have heard you folks suffer with very loose and squirty discharges.

I am indeed. Although I generally produce very firm, wholesome loaves. It's the coffee (Maxwell) that gives them the smell.


I rarely have diarrhea. Although I had a peculiar occurrence earlier. Recently I've been producing very mealy waste due to an upping of my intake of nuts and fibre. If you ran your hand along one of my chites it would be like running your hand along an african lady's back, you know the ones with all the little branded marks- lots of texture on that.

Anyway, I was standing quite straight above the bowl as some nasty animal had left the toilet in quite a state and I wanted to avoid any chance of cross contamination and I had a clear sight of my chite as it exited the body and fell into the bowl. Anyway, they exit the body looking like normal, perfectly formed turds, but on hitting the bowl/water they disintegrate into mingen sawdust and release a rich noxious scent (Maxwell). Never seen the like. Usually it would be either one thing or the other.

gerrybbadd

Howld on now, 6 onion rings for the breakfast, and a potato ball, and you see a problem with a few innocent sausages? What is a potato ball?

Also, Maxwell? That can't even be considered as coffee. That's like milk thats been ever so lightly flavoured with coffee. Get that Kenco Rich into ye like men. And more sausages.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You some sort of vegetarian? Have heard you folks suffer with very loose and squirty discharges.

Seems like a building site or a county council operative John.

Yella boot merchant, seen plenty of them rocking up to establishments at around 0900 hrs and the amount of crud they order would buckle the knees of a half grown elephant.

Then around 1100 hrs hit the traps a coat the place like fcuking plasterers radio.

Frikken whiff like burnt tyres around the site for at least 20 mins.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

All the chickpeas, lentils and soy-based “products” tend to get “over worked” internally and are ejected with force when the time comes.

This can be avoided by getting some “binding” agent in there, eggs can help you out there.

I can vouch for the eggs. Wasn’t always a fan but now eat two for the breakfast most mornings. Would eat far less for the rest of the day, and at least 90% of my movements are of ‘best in show’ class. Mighty ‘yolks’.

gerrybbadd

Eggs are my Kryptonite (shítonite?).

I love them, but they hate me. I'd eat 2 every morning of the weekend, and by hell, do the resonate in the pantal region for the day. Low hums, loud smells and sickened family members. Doesn't matter how i have them, but i've found that how they're cooked will be indicative of how they will re-appear later in the day.

Scrambled - dose of the runs.
Fried - cow pats
Boiled - Cadbury Mini Egg surprise chites
Poached - I'm fúcked if i can poach an egg

Former Observer

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Howld on now, 6 onion rings for the breakfast, and a potato ball, and you see a problem with a few innocent sausages? What is a potato ball?

Also, Maxwell? That can't even be considered as coffee. That's like milk thats been ever so lightly flavoured with coffee. Get that Kenco Rich into ye like men. And more sausages.

Mashed potato and mixed spice thrown into a ball and deep fried.

The Maxwell is sickening but it can be very strong when you've a few tablespoons thrown in. You'd have new lads in the canteen not used to it that would be leaving the table fairly pronto and running to the jacks after one of our mugs.

JohnnyFlash

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I can vouch for the eggs. Wasn’t always a fan but now eat two for the breakfast most mornings. Would eat far less for the rest of the day, and at least 90% of my movements are of ‘best in show’ class. Mighty ‘yolks’.

a couple of eggs or more in the morning certainly puts the cement mixer into high gear and you can be assured of (particularly in combination with some coffee) throne action in the near future after consumption.

not so sure of purported binding properties myself.

Hector Savage

Went to a good chinese yesterday, they specialise in steamed food, so had some prawns, noodles ... then vegetarian dumpling, then some gyoza with prawns and veg.
Really really nice and did not feel sick at all.
Not even this morning when I had 2 explosive chites, was weird everything felt fine but the chite came out in some force and splattered the pewter like a broken hose.

Had to get the brush out and clean up near the rim of the bowl - fecking hate those things.

My mam had 2 chinese girls staying with here for a few months and she said they left the jacks in some state , I can kind of understand now when even good chinese food makes you crap like this

Hector Savage

Hector Savage wrote: »

Went to a good chinese yesterday, they specialise in steamed food, so had some prawns, noodles ... then vegetarian dumpling, then some gyoza with prawns and veg.
Really really nice and did not feel sick at all.
Not even this morning when I had 2 explosive chites, was weird everything felt fine but the chite came out in some force and splattered the pewter like a broken hose.

Had to get the brush out and clean up near the rim of the bowl - fecking hate those things.

My mam had 2 chinese girls staying with here for a few months and she said they left the jacks in some state , I can kind of understand now when even good chinese food makes you crap like this

it's particularly disconcerting when you may have the need to use a toilet brush (out of courtesy) in an establishment other than your own and when you remove it from the receptacle that you discover it's been resting in a fermenting shyte and water mix of about a 50:50 ratio.

At this point you have to be careful as you don't want to be too eager with any brushing to risk a faecal flyer off the hard bristles.

FFS, clean it off under the flush so the next person doesn't end up dry-retching when they take it out.

Animals.

Former Observer

Toilet brushes really are the the most disgusting invention. I wonder do any of the boffins on here have any ideas about possible alternatives? There is definitely a gap in the market.

Brendan Bendar

glasso wrote: »

it's particularly disconcerting when you may have the need to use a toilet brush (out of courtesy) in an establishment other than your own and when you remove it from the receptacle that you discover it's been resting in a fermenting shyte and water mix of about a 50:50 ratio.

At point you have to be careful as you don't want to be too eager with any brushing to risk a faecal flyer off the hard bristles.

FFS, clean it off under the flush so the next person doesn't end up dry-retching when they take it out.

Animals.

Good observation mr g.

What’s worse though if the fcuker before you had to ‘work through’ a mixture of scutther and damp half melted bog roll.

You could drag out a brush looking like Mick Wallace’s head.

Happened me once in an area where I was giving a talk, hopped it off the rim of the pot to shift the paper, head snapped off and into the swamp .

Had to leave the fcuker there, God help the next poor dude who entered.

Former Observer

Former Observer wrote: »

Toilet brushes really are the the most disgusting invention. I wonder do any of the boffins on here have any ideas about possible alternatives? There is definitely a gap in the market.

maybe apple could step in here with an iShyte line of products to boost their revenue in light of flagging smartphone sales?

although the cost would likely be prohibitive and boards would be plagued with threads of what Chinese site is selling the best knock-off sh1t product for a tenth of the price.

Deebles McBeebles

Former Observer wrote: »

Toilet brushes really are the the most disgusting invention. I wonder do any of the boffins on here have any ideas about possible alternatives? There is definitely a gap in the market.

I've called for it before but stainless steel jacks would help I reckon. And some sort of Japanese invention to take care of anything above the flush radius.

Deebles McBeebles

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

I've called for it before but stainless steel jacks would help I reckon. And some sort of Japanese invention to take care of anything above the flush radius.

not a fan really of those jacks that you encounter over on the continent - Austria, Germany etc - they have sort of have a raised shelf design in the bowl.

the result is that when you raise yourself off the throne your work is right up there on the shelf looking straight back at you kinda wanting to shoot the breeze.

I remember a few ski trips where after (over the course of a day between lunch, apres ski and night sesson) jagermeisters, large weissbeers, gluhwein, maybe some vodka red-bull, goulash soup, bratwurst, chips and other assorted greasy calorie-packed ski fuel in the aftermath with an awful hangover and 4 hours sleep you hit the pot and it's just not good to have all that much closer than usual and in your sleep-deprived bleary hungover state you can Donald Trump's face in there somewhere.

they also have the toilet off in a tiny separate room oftentimes where there is just about enough room for the toilet with little airflow. you definitely want to be first into the delivery room in the morning and not the last.

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

Ah no Emmett. There would be no blood. What you're describing sounds more like something from a horror film. All I'm saying is that protracted use of steroid cream on your balloon knot will thin the skin. Basically your hoop and its neighbouring territory will achieve a 'crepe paper' like texture along with semi-translucency. If you keep whipping on the Hydro-cortisone or Betamethasone ointment and running your finger up and around down there kind of shimmying it around in a circular motion you'll every time achieve that delightful tingling sensation, but yes eventually the skin around your hole will look like tracing paper.

Sorry to go back to this, F, but, Vitamin A aside, could this steroid be used as a way to “bleach” ones anus?

I really don’t like this idea of, what’s seems to me to be, a “weakening” of the ring integrity. It’s giving me the image of an egg left in a vinegar so that the shell wears down and you can see inside but it’s now incredibly “soft”. Or some sort of deep, deep, undersea creature who’s brain can be seen from outside.

Would using some sort of “strong mint” or “tingle” lube not work better at giving your hole a bit of a “buzz” as it wouldn’t have any impact on the “cigar cutter” itself?

Former Observer

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Sorry to go back to this, F, but, Vitamin A aside, could this steroid be used as a way to “bleach” ones anus?

I really don’t like this idea of, what’s seems to me to be, a “weakening” of the ring integrity. It’s giving me the image of an egg left in a vinegar so that the shell wears down and you can see inside but it’s now incredibly “soft”. Or some sort of deep, deep, undersea creature who’s brain can be seen from outside.

Would using some sort of “strong mint” or “tingle” lube not work better at giving your hole a bit of a “buzz” as it wouldn’t have any impact on the “cigar cutter” itself?

For a little bit of anal bleaching you'd be looking for a different product Emmet. You're right that steroid cream would cause some whitening, but by the time you notice any improvement in complexion the thickness of your purse lips and surrounding surface area would resemble a sheet of baking paper fitted snugly around a piece of mutton. And there is no going back from that Emmet.

But there are plenty of whitening creams online to choose from. Please remember to do a patch test first though.

With respect to chasing the buzz. You're dead right. Tiger balm is one option, but undiluted essential oils might work too.

gerrybbadd

I'm not sure why anyone would want a buzzy hole, but playblue.ie do a fine range of vibrators intended for the dirt pipe area

EmmetSpiceland

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

I've called for it before but stainless steel jacks would help I reckon. And some sort of Japanese invention to take care of anything above the flush radius.

While I agree with the sentiment, D, I would be very concerned about the stainless steel being “coated” with Teflon.

And considering the trouble DuPont and 3M have gotten into for poisoning us all with the cancer causing “C8” I would be worried about the environmental, and health, impact this could have.

Not sure it’s worth it just to have a “streak-free” bowl.

Former Observer

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'm not sure why anyone would want a buzzy hole, but playblue.ie do a fine range of vibrators intended for the dirt pipe area

Ah now that's a totally different thing. Bit of a sickening recommendation from yourself to be honest Gerry.

Hector Savage

This thread has gone up considerably in quality.
I'm proud of you all !

As proud as I could be when looking down at a King Kong special I'd just deposited!

Deebles McBeebles

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

While I agree with the sentiment, D, I would be very concerned about the stainless steel being “coated” with Teflon.

And considering the trouble DuPont and 3M have gotten into for poisoning us all with the cancer causing “C8” I would be worried about the environmental, and health, impact this could have.

Not sure it’s worth it just to have a “streak-free” bowl.

Not a line of thinking I had gone down Emmet tbh but imagine the marketing potential for the "Teflon John". I'm thinking an ad with John Gotti coming back from the grave just to give it a whirl.

'Porcelain toilet? Faggedaboudit.'

Former Observer

I’m lying in bed with a bit of a sticky hole. Electricity went out after I dropped a few bombs in the pond so it was difficult to know when I was done wiping. You forget how much vision is key to successfully cleaning your hole.

A bit sticky. Too lazy to move though.

Cookie_Monster

Just back from a trip to Europe, was in Holland for a few days. Second night couple of beers were had, nothing crazy but turned out they were sneaky 6.7%ers. Up early for a run in the local forest the next morning, beat the heat of the day. Wasn't feeling the greatest but headed off to get it done. Struggled along for about 3km and then the first signs of trouble started, bit of wind escaping and a pressure feeling in the lower gut. Time to push on to get home ASAP, not happening though...

After a couple minutes increasing discomfort felt there was nothing else for it but to bail off the trail, have a quick 360 for locals and hunker down and let loose... Single solid plug was holding it all back, once that was out it just poured out for the next 30 seconds or so. No water to hold the smell either, twas rough. Nothing but a spindly leave to wipe either...

Not my finest moment but it was a fine jog home after that, a weight lifted.