What's the etiquette here??

Bullocks

mfceiling wrote: »

Feckin Eastern Europeans on our job. The bang out of the jacks is unreal after them. I've watched and smelt the rubbish they eat at break time. Like a mixture of pickled dog food, mixed with toasted swan and smoked alsatian.

It's nothing to the smell that they leave in the jacks. One sh*tter between about 20 of us and the door is on a self closer. The Irish lads seem to have an unwritten rule to jam the door open after tipping the cart but not these smelly gits.

Went in this morning to make a lodgement and the bang would have taken paint off a gate. Was like the c*nt had shat on the floor and then set fire to it. Animals.

Site jacks can be rough . We are finishing a high end refurb at the minute and the toilet in the welfare pod got clogged by some pig that decided to wipe with pages of some tabloid last friday . Before  I got a chance to sort it someone snook into the main bathroom (was strictly off limits cos the ware alone was 7k ) . I was going around with the woman of the house making a bit of a snag list when we went into the  bathroom , her snout picked it up before mine and she went straight to the bog where ther e sat a fine log with a few strips of wallpaper that we had stripped in the hall stuck to the bowl .She tried to flush but there was no water switched on .She left the snag list there with that problem as top priority .

Brendan Bendar

Bullocks wrote: »

Site jacks can be rough . We are finishing a high end refurb at the minute and the toilet in the welfare pod got clogged by some pig that decided to wipe with pages of some tabloid last friday . Before  I got a chance to sort it someone snook into the main bathroom (was strictly off limits cos the ware alone was 7k ) . I was going around with the woman of the house making a bit of a snag list when we went into the  bathroom , her snout picked it up before mine and she went straight to the bog where ther e sat a fine log with a few strips of wallpaper that we had stripped in the hall stuck to the bowl .She tried to flush but there was no water switched on .She left the snag list there with that problem as top priority .

You should have said it was just a ‘test log’.

gerrybbadd

delighted to report that, for the first time in about 6 months, i've been delivering solid payloads upon my appointments in the jacks.

I was someone who took great delight in leaving King Kong's finger sticking up 4 or 5 inches above the water line in toilets the length and breadth of the country. However, the past 6 months have been a blur of liquid disappointment.

This morning seen me deposit a sizeable portion of shítty stick in trap 1, that any man would be proud of. As if the day couldn't be any better, it ended up being a 2 wiper.

Obrieski

gerrybbadd wrote: »

delighted to report that, for the first time in about 6 months, i've been delivering solid payloads upon my appointments in the jacks.

I was someone who took great delight in leaving King Kong's finger sticking up 4 or 5 inches above the water line in toilets the length and breadth of the country. However, the past 6 months have been a blur of liquid disappointment.

This morning seen me deposit a sizeable portion of shítty stick in trap 1, that any man would be proud of. As if the day couldn't be any better, it ended up being a 2 wiper.

Any change in the diet that you can think of Gerry, or change in personal circumstances? Be nice to have some form of control over the chite to be produced with what has been eaten previously

gerrybbadd

Obrieski wrote: »

Any change in the diet that you can think of Gerry, or change in personal circumstances? Be nice to have some form of control over the chite to be produced with what has been eaten previously

Nothing major changed in the diet really dude. Though i haven't had anything spicy this week. .. Yet

JohnnyFlash

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Nothing major changed in the diet really dude. Though i haven't had anything spicy this week. .. Yet

I don’t think spicy food is necessarily the problem, but rather the type of spicy food you eat. I could eat spicy Thai food by the bucketload and sluice out nice firm discharges with a lovely healthy gloss on them. Go for an Indian, and I spend most of the next morning squatting on the bowl trying to discharge the last of the rancid arse acid that is burning away my digestive system from the inside out.

Aglomerado

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I don’t think spicy food is necessarily the problem, but rather the type of spicy food you eat. I could eat spicy Thai food by the bucketload and sluice out nice firm discharges with a lovely healthy gloss on them. Go for an Indian, and I spend most of the next morning squatting on the bowl trying to discharge the last of the rancid arse acid that is burning away my digestive system from the inside out.

Just had vegetarian chilli for lunch, will report back later on the quality of my arse acid...:D ...or will it be all sound and no fury from the beans?

partyguinness

Slideways wrote: »

Not always possible unfortunately Bren. As a seasoned runner I’ve trained the body to hold on the clutch while maintaining a decent turn of speed.

I do find that the nerves before a race can have me in quite an anxious mess. The fear of being “that guy” who fills his shorts during a race often has me sitting on a portaloo straining to push something out. It’s a fine line between getting that schit out that really wasn’t ready yet and popping out an arse grape

Like yourself a seasoned runner. I will always have to have a good **** before those morning runs. Before an event there might be 2-3 payloads delivered. It will entail getting up several hours beforehand to get the old system warmed up and gravity to do its thing. Good and empty by the time I get to the start line.



Last marathon I had 3 dumps during the run plus 3 beforehand. Still managed sub 3:30 but that was with 8 minutes of ****ting or "fuel stops" according to Strava. I swear I saw my Communion dinner at the end.

J Mysterio

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I don’t think spicy food is necessarily the problem, but rather the type of spicy food you eat. I could eat spicy Thai food by the bucketload and sluice out nice firm discharges with a lovely healthy gloss on them. Go for an Indian, and I spend most of the next morning squatting on the bowl trying to discharge the last of the rancid arse acid that is burning away my digestive system from the inside out.

At the risk of interrupting the natural flow of this vital and important discussion, I felt compelled to tell you that I almost literally laughed my ass off at your wondrous prose.

JohnnyFlash

Aglomerado wrote: »

Just had vegetarian chilli for lunch, will report back later on the quality of my arse acid...:D ...or will it be all sound and no fury from the beans?

Should be benign enough - the ‘bean threat’ is overstated I’ve found. Now I don’t know about the impact of baked beans on the digestive system, as they are the food of Satan himself. I’m talking kidney, pinto etc.

If you’re in work then I’d suggest taking the stall furthest away from the door. And wait for someone to put on the hand dryer - covering fire if you will. Then you can empty your guts with gusto and pride.

Ush1

For a real bowel blaster, correct form is key.

Big inhale of air through the nose, hard decisive exhale from the mouth and violently contract your abdominals at the end. Generates enough G Force to launch Apollo 11, a proper pebble dasher technique.

EmmetSpiceland

Ush1 wrote: »

For a real bowel blaster, correct form is key.

Big inhale of air through the nose, hard decisive exhale from the mouth and violently contract your abdominals at the end. Generates enough G Force to launch Apollo 11, a proper pebble dasher technique.

If you’re having any difficultly freeing the “payload” you would be wise to grip each hand under the corresponding knee “pit” for some added “thrust”.

Aglomerado

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Should be benign enough - the ‘bean threat’ is overstated I’ve found. Now I don’t know about the impact of baked beans on the digestive system, as they are the food of Satan himself. I’m talking kidney, pinto etc.

If you’re in work then I’d suggest taking the stall furthest away from the door. And wait for someone to put on the hand dryer - covering fire if you will. Then you can empty your guts with gusto and pride.

I'm all right I'm working off site today so I can let rip wherever I want. Nothing yet and I've had a few pints too...

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

If you’re having any difficultly freeing the “payload” you would be wise to grip each hand under the corresponding knee “pit” for some added “thrust”.

That’s why the disabled toilets are great as well. You can grip those bars at the side if struggling to pass a girthy bolus, and get real traction behind the final push. Does tend to cause a person to move forward slightly from the natural shïtting posture, so there’s a tendency to ‘wall’ some of it.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That’s why the disabled toilets are great as well. You can grip those bars at the side if struggling to pass a girthy bolus, and get real traction behind the final push. Does tend to cause a person to move forward slightly from the natural shïtting posture, so there’s a tendency to ‘wall’ some of it.

You have to be careful, there John, as you well know, the most ‘ ergonomic’ posture to clear your guts is the squat position.

It’s logical, the caveman or woman just dropped, squatted,and blew out their guts from a good solid base.

Bit like golf, distance through resistance.

Reminds me of the time I was in ‘trouble’, hit the ‘chair’ stall and marveled at the room and grippers available to person.

Had to try them out so from’ the shotgun position’ pulled on the bar, spooled up and discharged a thick sludge of loose scutter in uncontained chain fire.

Left the back wall, cistern, and surrounds like a map of the Philippines.

Be careful out there.

J Mysterio

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That’s why the disabled toilets are great as well. You can grip those bars at the side if struggling to pass a girthy bolus, and get real traction behind the final push. Does tend to cause a person to move forward slightly from the natural shïtting posture, so there’s a tendency to ‘wall’ some of it.

We've been warned in work with several stern emails that the disabled toilets are 'for those who need them'. Constructive ambiguity

Hector Savage

Former Observer wrote: »

Does this guy wear a hoody Hector?

No, he goes around the office making hooting sounds like an Owl ,
he falls asleep at his desk, he clips his nails at his desk ... with mortar flying about - this really irks me.

But he's a genius , so he's kind of untouchable...

Obrieski

Too much Thai food at lunch today, food coma for a good portion of the afternoon. Decided to go with a reliable peppermint tea to get the body functioning. Well as expected, within the hour the gurgling was happening and the tummy cramps were kicking. High tailed it to the jacks and got stall 1 in the nick of time. What proceeded to flow out of the system can only be compared to when Tom had the slurry truck on Fr. Ted - same velocity, force, amount and assuming smell. Say I’ve dropped 2kg in weight and ready to attack the rest of my day! Happy Friday folks!

Former Observer

Good man Obrieski. Inspiring stuff. Always great to hear about fellow travelers spanning the globe dropping their pants and spitting out those slimy brown briquettes.

Can feel a twitch myself now. The purse lips are stretching and expanding my friends. And I've only had the two cups of Maxwell.

gerrybbadd

Captains Log: Day 3 of solid joy achieved. 2nd day of 2 wipers. I feel like i've won the lottery. There's hardly even a smell off of these bad boys. Hoping to work my way back up to King Kong Fingers. At the minute, they are by no means small, but the girth is lacking

Former Observer

Never had consecutive day spoofers. Lucky boy.

gerrybbadd

Spoke too soon and jinxed myself.

Round 2 seen a torrent of liquid. Splashes not heard since the Trinity Island Nuclear Bomb tests.

fuerte1976

Here in Cork on a short break and was very anxious that I would uphold the required etiquette that led to this thread as I nervously searched for the public restrooms in the hotel as I couldn't subject the wife or the facilities in our room to what was about to occur..
Hot n spicy chicken wings & a lamb n tomato hotpot washed down with well over a gallon of Franciscian well rebel red ensured carnage in trap one..
Acid rain wouldn't be as corrosive as the hotpot escaped..
The bulmers I'm necking now won't help 'thicken the dung' but twill quench the fire still burning..

JohnnyFlash

I’m down at the Irish Open in Lahinch. Was following the Harrington group this morning, and can only surmise that P was severely constipated during his round. Had a grimace on his face throughout, and his swing was all over the place.

Spotted Shane Lowry emerge from the player shítters with a satisfied smile on his face. Say he emptied his guts with gusto, and is now a man on a mission to go and tear up this course.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’m down at the Irish Open in Lahinch. Was following the Harrington group this morning, and can only surmise that P was severely constipated during his round. Had a grimace on his face throughout, and his swing was all over the place.

Do you think he was on the “session” last night, J? Possibly with Ian Poulter?

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Do you think he was on the “session” last night, J? Possibly with Ian Poulter?

He doesn’t drink. Might have had too much Flora ProActiv on his bread this morning or something. Don’t know to be honest.

Deebles McBeebles

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’m down at the Irish Open in Lahinch. Was following the Harrington group this morning, and can only surmise that P was severely constipated during his round. Had a grimace on his face throughout, and his swing was all over the place.

Spotted Shane Lowry emerge from the player shítters with a satisfied smile on his face. Say he emptied his guts with gusto, and is now a man on a mission to go and tear up this course.

Massively jealous, John. Harrington may have f*cked it. Hopefully Lowry's empty bowels will give us an Irish leader by tonight.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

He doesn’t drink. Might have had too much Flora ProActiv on his bread this morning or something. Don’t know to be honest.

Did you expect any different John?

The boy has form with this, great round and then next day 10 shots worse.

Not the first time dude, were you wearing the mustard ‘comfort fits’ with the cotton jocks in case of a sudden ‘socket’.

Thin ‘sweat stripe’ down the back of the strides as the ballbag marinates in a mixture of ‘crack soup ‘and ‘bag brie’ .

Staying in the Lady Gregory in Gort probably.

mfceiling

Work mate is touching 50 and has been suffering with the "nobby styles" the last month.
He finally went to the doc on Monday and he prescribed him some kind of cream for them.
Yer man screws on the long nozzle and sends it into the back end of the rear axle squeezing out this "wonder" gel.

Came in this morning and he tells me that the tailboard is working better than ever. Reckons he has so much lube in the mud chute that the logs are practically gliding out of him. No pushing or pressing.... just soft, buttery batons coming out like a fat kid sliding down a water slide.

jem

mfceiling wrote: »

Work mate is touching 50 and has been suffering with the "nobby styles" the last month.
He finally went to the doc on Monday and he prescribed him some kind of cream for them.
Yer man screws on the long nozzle and sends it into the back end of the rear axle squeezing out this "wonder" gel.

Came in this morning and he tells me that the tailboard is working better than ever. Reckons he has so much lube in the mud chute that the logs are practically gliding out of him. No pushing or pressing.... just soft, buttery batons coming out like a fat kid sliding down a water slide.

Def works from painful experiance