What's the etiquette here??

Utter Consternation

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

You need to sort out your need to put everything in quotation marks you dingbat.

You strike me as a sensitive sort, PPL. Do you suffer from 'the nerves?'

fuerte1976

A monster delivery just occurred. No alcohol all weekend as had to be available for work. Made up for the lack of alcohol pangs by stuffing me trap like a smoker quitting and scoffing chocolate.
Poor colleague even got bumped to back of the Q with a -
'outta my way' verbal such was my eagerness to make the delivery.
Dunno how my behaviour might be covered under the etiquette criteria mind you but hey, I had my fun as a now departed famous comedian once said..
And the fella won't dare try that stall too soon!

EmmetSpiceland

FAO Former Observer:

“Let’s face it, I think we’d all like a “peek” a Tom Hanks’. Just as he’s the obvious “candidate” for celebrity parent in that other thread, he’s going to top the polls here too.

You can, safely, “assume” that good old Tom only drops out Type 3 & 4s on the Bristol Stool Chart. Minimal fuss, minimal smell. And you just know there’s never any “blockages” or “impaction”.

Viewed under a magnifying glass it would be flawless, of course there’d be some “clints” and “grykes”, certainly some “marbling”, but as a specimen it would be magnificent. Well worth observing.

Tom Hanks, ladies and gentlemen.”

The thread got, inexplicably, locked as I was trying to post in it.

Former Observer

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Viewed under a magnifying glass it would be flawless, of course there’d be some “clints” and “grykes”, certainly some “marbling”, but as a specimen it would be magnificent. Well worth observing.

Thanks E. A robust contribution that I can envisage perfectly. I really feel you've hit the nail on the head with that Hollywood star. And it's gotten me wondering about a certain Tom Cruise now also.

Very disappointed my thread got locked. I'd just finished a close study of three celebrities and I had another half dozen more to go.

I think the mod may be suffering from the same sticky hole syndrome a few contributors to this thread are. It's the sunny weather Emmet. It gets clammy up in there and your man 's gone in and had a pick and the next thing you know you're in an easily bothered, cantankerous mood all day.

EmmetSpiceland

I’m suffering from the “heat” myself, F. Not sure if it’s down to giving that “hole” area the trim after that “dreadful” incident with the entanglement or if it’s just general “wear and tear”.

Either way, I’ve picked up a proper case of “red eye”. Didn’t think anything was wrong until I passed quite a “mushy” stool earlier on. Once I started the wiping my “bung”, itself, screamed in pain. Feels like it’s been burned or something.

Walking around wasn’t bad before but it’s gotten worse. Getting that “prickly heat”, like someone’s poured a whole packet of the old style “itching” powder into my jocks. Not sure if it’s talc or that “cream” some on here were trying to shill awhile back.

Anyway, there’ll be no solutions, other than the short term one of bringing a little plastic cup of water into the stall and “tamping” some cool water all up around the “ring”, until I get home. Wonder if I could get some ice around here?

The ire of “ring sting” is something you wouldn’t wish on anyone, well, maybe a few but you certainly don’t want it focusing on you. Bad ju-ju.

Here, Bendar, did you put a “hex” on me for previous “perceived” slights?

Former Observer

I've an insensitive ring, like a coiled hosepipe you could stick a needle in it but it's just thick awl rubber. Years of being absolutely scalded by vindaloos and rigorous application of steriod cream has left it entirely without sensation.

I'd tell you I feel your pain Emmet but I'd be lying.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’m suffering from the “heat” myself, F. Not sure if it’s down to giving that “hole” area the trim after that “dreadful” incident with the entanglement or if it’s just general “wear and tear”.

Either way, I’ve picked up a proper case of “red eye”. Didn’t think anything was wrong until I passed quite a “mushy” stool earlier on. Once I started the wiping my “bung”, itself, screamed in pain. Feels like it’s been burned or something.

Walking around wasn’t bad before but it’s gotten worse. Getting that “prickly heat”, like someone’s poured a whole packet of the old style “itching” powder into my jocks. Not sure if it’s talc or that “cream” some on here were trying to shill awhile back.

Anyway, there’ll be no solutions, other than the short term one of bringing a little plastic cup of water into the stall and “tamping” some cool water all up around the “ring”, until I get home. Wonder if I could get some ice around here?

The ire of “ring sting” is something you wouldn’t wish on anyone, well, maybe a few but you certainly don’t want it focusing on you. Bad ju-ju.

Here, Bendar, did you put a “hex” on me for previous “perceived” slights?

Head down to the chemist and get an ointment called Eurax. Apply liberally to the hoop and don’t be afraid of the ‘for external use only’ warning - work it in as far as the big finger will go. It’s top class stuff - a slight warming sensation, followed by almost instant relief from burning and itching.

Former Observer

You could stick a few antihistamines up there too Emmet, to be safe.

Utter Consternation

Ram an ice cube up your arse for some temporary relief.

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Ram an ice cube up your arse for some temporary relief.

Very temporary relief, UC. And leaves large patches of water on the undercrackers and strides. Not a good look. I did have to make a beeline into one of Pat McDonagh’s eatin’ emporiums before for a mug of ice, before visiting the shïtters to carry out just such a procedure. Tactic of last resort, and kind of brought things full circle as only 12 hour earlier I was stuffing my gob with fried chicken and garlic sauce from the very same restaurant.

EmmetSpiceland

While all suggestions have their merit, and welcomed, I don’t think you quite “grasp” the affliction. This isn’t an internal “issue”, it’s, how should I put this, on the “spokes” and “rim” of the ring, itself.

Some of your suggestions are “akin” to shoving a lip balm “chap stick” into your gob to cure “chapped” lips. It’s all external and it’s all ring.

Actually, I wonder if a lip balm would help?

And regarding the “antihistamine” route, how should they be used? Do I need to crush them and make a “paste” or would you have me insert then “digitally” until they go past the “Shelf of No Return”?

Could I not just take them “orally”, you know, through the mouth, instead?

gerrybbadd

Emmett, what you need is:

• A good liberal wipe with a baby wipe
• Followed up by some drying action, with regular toilet paper. Dab at it though
• A dusting of talc to the afflicted area

You'll feel better in no time

armaghlad

I hope you don’t mind mind me butting in, pardon the “pun”, but is there not a Mr or Mrs Spiceland that could assist you in your times of “trouble”. A second set of eyes and a more accurate application of your chosen “remedy” for your sphinctal ailment. Perhaps a close or trusted friend could step up to the plate. It makes for grim reading knowing you’re in such a state of discomfort

EmmetSpiceland

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Emmett, what you need is:

• A good liberal wipe with a baby wipe
• Followed up by some drying action, with regular toilet paper. Dab at it though
• A dusting of talc to the afflicted area

You'll feel better in no time

Soundest “advice” so far, thanks G. Think I’ll try this first.

Sometimes I think the others are on some kind of “windup” trying to get some “eejit” on the internet to do something silly.

I was waiting for one of them to suggest “slathering” the hoop with honey and just letting the flies have “at it”. I mean, obviously, I’d be right with them up to the honey part but I’ve been around the “block” enough times to know when I’m setting myself up for some sort of, self inflicted, “scaphism”.

JohnnyFlash

armaghlad wrote: »

I hope you don’t mind mind me butting in, pardon the “pun”, but is there not a Mr or Mrs Spiceland that could assist you in your times of “trouble”. A second set of eyes and a more accurate application of your chosen “remedy” for your sphinctal ailment. Perhaps a close or trusted friend could step up to the plate. It makes for grim reading knowing you’re in such a state of discomfort

People say the internet is a cesspool of outrage, fake news, and moronic clickbait. However this thread shows that some people still really care about the afflictions of others, especially if they relate to issues with an itchy hoop, ‘ring sting’, or loose bowel movements. The comradery and support shown is very encouraging. It’s a beacon of friendship and understanding in an increasingly crazy world.

NeinNeinNein

There's a hole lot of loving going on in this thread.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

People say the internet is a cesspool of outrage, fake news, and moronic clickbait. However this thread shows that some people still really care about the afflictions of others, especially if they relate to issues with an itchy hoop, ‘ring sting’, or loose bowel movements. The comradery and support shown is very encouraging. It’s a beacon of friendship and understanding in an increasingly crazy world.

That thoughtful, eloquent post disproves the idea that all Nordies are a dour bunch.

Very touching.

JohnnyFlash

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Emmett, what you need is:

• A good liberal wipe with a baby wipe
• Followed up by some drying action, with regular toilet paper. Dab at it though
• A dusting of talc to the afflicted area

You'll feel better in no time

Terrible advice, Gerry. You wipe with good quality 4-ply first, THEN use the baby wipe to gently ‘buff’ the old ‘18 spoker’, then gently use dry paper to pick up any moisture and ‘splecks’. Then you apply any salve, balm, ointment, or talc - if needed of course.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Terrible advice, Gerry. You wipe with good quality 4-ply first, THEN use the baby wipe to gently ‘buff’ the old ‘18 spoker’, then gently use dry paper to pick up any moisture and ‘splecks’. Then you apply any salve, ball, ointment, or talc.

Excellent insight, Johnny. The baby wipes should only be used for the victory lap.

Former Observer

My suggestion of antihistamine cream was entirely in earnest Emmet. A lad I knew was holidaying in Spain a few years ago and a bluebottle lay a nest of eggs in his anus. They half burrowed into the lining of his cavity walls and just nested there a few weeks. He was driven half mad but the doctors over there told him to grind up some antihistamines, spit on his index finger and kind of give it a good run around inside his chute.

He wasn't properly diagnosed until he got back mind.


JohnnyFlash was right about the Eurax cream too. Great relief from itching. I'd advise application to the thumb rather than the index finger however. Smear that nice creamy coolant every which way and don't be afraid to go at yourself like you're drying to unblock a drain with a plunger also. Relief lasts four to six hours.

The icecube I would avoid, reason being that you can buy freezer-friendly "insertables" that do a much better job. They last much longer, come in a multitude of sizes, and don't seep water from your wound.

Hope this helps.

Hector Savage

Former Observer wrote: »

My suggestion of antihistamine cream was entirely in earnest Emmet. A lad I knew was holidaying in Spain a few years ago and a bluebottle lay a nest of eggs in his anus. They half burrowed into the lining of his cavity walls and just nested there a few weeks. ...

Hope this helps.

What what what ????

WTAF!!

How the hell did that happen ?

gerrybbadd

Hector Savage wrote: »

What what what ????

WTAF!!

How the hell did that happen ?

No doubt looking for the all (and i mean ALL) over tan. Must have fell asleep, cheeks akimbo

Utter Consternation

gerrybbadd wrote: »

No doubt looking for the all (and i mean ALL) over tan. Must have fell asleep, cheeks akimbo

Once would think that for most falling asleep with your ass cheeks spread is not the norm?

EmmetSpiceland

gerrybbadd wrote: »

No doubt looking for the all (and i mean ALL) over tan. Must have fell asleep, cheeks akimbo

Probably hadn’t been “clean” either.

Maybe it involved alcohol and passing out after dropping a “load” down on the beach?

gerrybbadd

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Once would think that for most, falling asleep with your ass cheeks spread, is not the norm?

Correct. However, if the person in question was setting out with the aim of that all over tanned look, they may have had to deploy some form of device to keep the cheeks apart, allowing the hoop access to the sun's rays.

ohnonotgmail

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Correct. However, if the person in question was setting out with the aim of that all over tanned look, they may have had to deploy some form of device to keep the cheeks apart, allowing the hoop access to the sun's rays.

sorry, they may have done what? is that a thing now? i cant imagine that happening much down on Dollymount.

Hector Savage

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Probably hadn’t been “clean” either.

Maybe it involved alcohol and passing out after dropping a “load” down on the beach?

I think we are literally getting warm here.

Jaysus!

Hector Savage

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

sorry, they may have done what? is that a thing now? i cant imagine that happening much down on Dollymount.

!!!

in tears here imaging that down on Dollymount!!

wing52

I find personally, aloe vera wipes torn up into 3 or 4 pieces really calms the old chocolate starfish. Flushes reliably,too. If don't tear em up, you'll be giving dyno-rod a shout before long. If you really want to pack the potty with the outhouse input, a smoothie twice or three times a week keep the colon well scraped out. Look after yourselves and don't forget to turn on the old extractor fan.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’m suffering from the “heat” myself, F. Not sure if it’s down to giving that “hole” area the trim after that “dreadful” incident with the entanglement or if it’s just general “wear and tear”.

Either way, I’ve picked up a proper case of “red eye”. Didn’t think anything was wrong until I passed quite a “mushy” stool earlier on. Once I started the wiping my “bung”, itself, screamed in pain. Feels like it’s been burned or something.

Walking around wasn’t bad before but it’s gotten worse. Getting that “prickly heat”, like someone’s poured a whole packet of the old style “itching” powder into my jocks. Not sure if it’s talc or that “cream” some on here were trying to shill awhile back.

Anyway, there’ll be no solutions, other than the short term one of bringing a little plastic cup of water into the stall and “tamping” some cool water all up around the “ring”, until I get home. Wonder if I could get some ice around here?

The ire of “ring sting” is something you wouldn’t wish on anyone, well, maybe a few but you certainly don’t want it focusing on you. Bad ju-ju.

Here, Bendar, did you put a “hex” on me for previous “perceived” slights?

Lookit Emmett, I felt you went a little bit over the top on that post.

But.... we’ll let bygones be bygones as in fairness I was nicely full of stone cold Karpackie and “may “ have blown off a wee bit hasty.

However ...our thread is too important to let ...well ..minor issues cloud the progression of the serious issues which this thread highlights.

Hope that puts to bed any issues which may have arisen, no personal animosity, just handbags, schidt happens, we can plough on.

These things happen.