The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

TheBody · 26-11-2019 10:48pm

My friend is half Indian.

Ian

LaFuton · 27-11-2019 3:54am

what is a fish without bicycle

patmac · 27-11-2019 8:58am

I may not be the sexiest man alive but I’m definitely in the top three billion.

TheChevron · 28-11-2019 11:12am

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

chewed · 28-11-2019 5:56pm

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

byrner88 · 29-11-2019 1:14am

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.

decky1 · 29-11-2019 1:56am

barman asked me why i looked so sad, i said me and the wife had a big row and she said she not talking to me for a month', that good is'nt it he said , no said i the months up tomorrow.

decky1 · 29-11-2019 2:05am

Coming home from the pub last night my wife said to me 'honey you can be on top tonight' jesus i love bunk beds.

decky1 · 29-11-2019 2:10am

Girl is telling her friend about her latest date, 'he took me to the cinema , when the lights went out he put his hand down my top , then up my skirt, this went on all through the film, he's a fcuken ejit sure i had the sweets in my pocket.

el_gaucho · 29-11-2019 8:02am

“Jesus loves you”.
A nice thing to hear at mass, a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

RobMc59 · 29-11-2019 5:03pm

Please could somebody buy Chris Rea a sat nav for Christmas,the poor fecker has been driving home for Christmas since 1986!

blade1 · 29-11-2019 6:22pm

RobMc59 wrote: »

Please could somebody buy Chris Rea a sat nav for Christmas,the poor fecker has been driving home for Christmas since 1986!

I think he learnt his lesson that year.
The year after he sang This is the Road to Hell.

byrner88 · 30-11-2019 2:51am

My wife rang me at work and said, "Ikea have delivered that wardrobe but I don't think it's going to be very big".

I said, "Oh right ... have you made it up?"

She said, "No, I'm telling the truth".

Edgware · 30-11-2019 10:51am

RobMc59 wrote: »

Please could somebody buy Chris Rea a sat nav for Christmas,the poor fecker has been driving home for Christmas since 1986!

I wonder wil the lad on the E.S.B. ad bring the boyfriend home from London for Christmas this year or will he tell the Ma that "she" is visiting her folks " up North"

TheChevron · 01-12-2019 10:03pm

I just found out my cousin with a stutter died in prison. He wasn't even finished his sentence.

Bob Harris · 01-12-2019 10:18pm

Earlier this evening Jesse Lingard was stopped when entering Old Trafford by one of the security guards .

"What have you got in that carrier bag Mr Lingard ?" the security guard asked .

" It's a gun" Jesse replied.

"Thank goodness for that" the security guard replied , " For one minute there I thought you were going to say your boots"

decky1 · 01-12-2019 10:41pm

The Nativity play in the Dail is in doubt this year as they can't find 3 wise men, the search for a virgin is ongoing, but they had no problem finding a donkey.

byrner88 · 02-12-2019 3:09am

"My father used to beat me with a camera....

I Still have flashbacks"

byrner88 · 02-12-2019 3:10am

Things are getting serious with me and my homeless girlfriend.....

She asked me to move out with her

Dub Ste · 02-12-2019 11:15am

blade1 wrote: »

I think he learnt his lesson that year.
The year after he sang This is the Road to Hell.

Could have been worse, it could've been the Road to Hull !!!:eek::eek:

blade1 · 02-12-2019 2:11pm

Dub Ste wrote: »

Could have been worse, it could've been the Road to Hull !!!:eek::eek:

Or worse again, Rod Hull.

Blaizes · 02-12-2019 3:18pm

My little son told me this one !

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because 7 8 9 !

decky1 · 02-12-2019 10:30pm

Can everyone be extra careful on the roads this weekend, men are having a drink and letting their wife's drive.

mad m · 03-12-2019 12:04am

I was talking to my mate last night, he tell me he was in a bar in Francis street when the Edge and Bono came in.

The barman said not U2 again...

Ok Ill get my coat...……………..

byrner88 · 03-12-2019 2:19am

Little girl: mommy... do babies come out where daddy puts his penis?

Mommy: *blushing*....um, well... yes, dear. why do you ask?

Little girl: won't that break your jaw?

LaFuton · 03-12-2019 3:03am

i have the sushi joke for you now, for to make fun happy mouth noise on you.

what is a fish without a bicycle?
a party!

clol (chineselol)

blade1 · 03-12-2019 1:38pm

davemcbuiop wrote: »

Gary Lightbody has been arrested by the Garda Traffic Unit for running after cars on the road.

He was supposed to be patrolling the area!

:

LaFuton · 03-12-2019 2:00pm

blade1 wrote: »

He was supposed to be patrolling the area! :

thought he was on the Run

decky1 · 03-12-2019 10:19pm

before my operation the nurse asked me for a contact number in case anything went wrong, I said '999'

LaFuton · 03-12-2019 10:26pm

667

new better satan

decky1 · 03-12-2019 10:54pm

My wife say's i never give her my full attention when were having Sex, ah well i better get back to it.

decky1 · 04-12-2019 6:01pm

paddy and mick were sent to prison , the guy's there told them the best way to communicate with each other is to bang your spoons on the central heating pipes,it worked great for them until they were put in separate cells.

Oscar1978 · 05-12-2019 9:04pm

Little Johnny wakes in the middle of the night thirsty. On the way to get some water he hears noises in the parents room and has a look through the keyhole. After a few seconds he continues on to get water muttering " and she gives out to me for sucking my thumb" !!

fryup · 05-12-2019 11:34pm

Paddy and Mick go down to the welfare center, looking for disability benefit, walking in they see a big sign saying "benefit interviews today for the Deaf"

Wanting easy money they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "Shut the door" Paddy does, and the interviewer says "You're not deaf at all. Get out! Get out of my sight!"

Paddy leaves the office and tells Mick in the corridor whatever you do don't shut the door, Mick goes into the office, and the interviewer says, "Shut the door" and Mick replies, "shut it your f*ckin self!"

Melania Frump · 06-12-2019 11:58pm

Last year I told my husband that nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring.
So he gave me nothing.
Im going to rephrase that this year.

byrner88 · 07-12-2019 3:36am

Not one of my normal messages .

Bit more serious .

If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

byrner88 · 07-12-2019 4:56am

The amount of ugly people walking around with veneers !!
It's like putting a set of Alloys on a Wheeliebin!ðŸ€£

RobMc59 · 07-12-2019 8:09am

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick:
"Someone's stolen your car!"

Mick says:"Bastards!,did you see who did it?"

Paddy says:"no,but I got the registration number!!"

RobMc59 · 07-12-2019 8:13am

A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says:
"Wow,I've never served a weasel before,what can I get you?"
"Pop"goes the weasel...

joeguevara · 07-12-2019 9:24am

I was going to stay by myself for Christmas. But then my mother called and offered to make me eggs Benedict every day if I came home.

Looks like I'm going home for the Hollandaise.

M.T. Cranium · 07-12-2019 10:57pm

A bartender walked into a stable. A horse said, "why the short face?"

Oscar1978 · 08-12-2019 12:11am

What does an orphan get for Christmas?

Lonely.

Oscar1978 · 09-12-2019 7:56pm

Two lads discussing people when one says to the other , who was Robin Hoods girlfriend? The other lad replies Maid Marion. First guy says no wasn't it Trudy Glynn? Second lad says no. But what about the song says the first lad ? Which song comes the reply ? First lad ... Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glynn....

coolhull · 09-12-2019 8:02pm

Last night I was watching TV in the sitting room, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
" What would you like for dinner, my love? I have chicken, lamb or beef."
"Thank you so much, sweetie", I replied. "I'll have the lamb, please, honeybuns."
"Not you, ya fat bas*tard. You'll have a boiled egg as usual.
I was talking to the cat."

Suckit · 09-12-2019 9:21pm

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

RobMc59 · 09-12-2019 9:30pm

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt lorry tonight..

"You idiot!"I shouted through gritted teeth..

The Princess Bride · 09-12-2019 10:15pm

My friend says he's designed an invisible aircraft.
I can't see it taking off.

Suckit · 09-12-2019 10:41pm

My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fcuk you!

Capt'n Midnight · 10-12-2019 1:38am

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious.

If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they please let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

Capt'n Midnight · 10-12-2019 1:39am

It breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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