The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

M.T. Cranium

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

WE FORGOT TO MENTION THE BIG ENORMOUS SPACECRAFT THAT SIT MOTIONLESS IN DEEP SPACE BUT HAVE GRAVITY AND ...

Illogical!

byrner88

My wife was complaining that I treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

M.T. Cranium

As long as you can award a participation trophy, things are good ...

Edward M

True story; as I struggled pushing a full shopping trolley with a wonky wheel through dunnes car park, I said to the wife, I think this fn thing would be easier pulled than pushed.
She looked and said earnestly, yeah, it's a pity there wasn't a handle at the front.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A class of play school kids were trying to get used to their first day in school.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

You need to use big people words, she said to them when you speak.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

He replied i went to visit my nana.

No replied the teacher you went to visit your grandmother.

Use big people words in class.

She then asked Michael what he had done for the weekend.

He replied i took a ride on a choo-choo.

She said, no, you took a ride on a train.

Again she said use big people words in class.

She then asked Bobby what he had done for the weekend.

I read a book, he replied.

That's wonderful the teacher said and asked what book did you read?

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,

Winnie the Sh*t.

New Home

What is green and has wheels?








































Grass (I lied about the wheels)

frag420

New Home wrote: »

What is green and has wheels?

Grass (I lied about the wheels)

And broccoli, green snooker balls too!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A bride tells her hasband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Ok, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the husband is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "honey the prisoner seem to have escaped." turning on his saide, he smiles. "Then we will have to reimprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his Cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "honey , the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

she nudges him and says, "honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Slowly turning his head, He YELLS at her "Hey, it;s not a life sentence. OKAY!

lolie

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,
'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I got into the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the bell boy said, Have a good day, son.

Don’t call me son,I said.

You’re not my dad.

He scratched his head and said,

No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look a bit flushed.


Why was the broom late?

Because it over-swept.


What do you call an exploding monkey?

A ba-boom!


Where do wasps go when they're not feeling very well?

The waspital.


What wobbles as it flies through the sky?

A jelly-copter.


How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea-saw.


Knock, knock

Who's there?

Tank.

Tank who?

You're welcome!

What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?


Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?


What goes tick, tick, woof, woof

A watch dog.

Capt'n Midnight

I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."

"Capricorn." I replied.

"Yeah, right," he tutted.

"As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

Capt'n Midnight

An old lady goes into her local grocer and asks for half a pound of tuppenny rice and half a pound of treacle. She starts to count out and hand over the money. A weasel noticed what was happening and ran out of the shop screaming

AIRMiNet

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

byrner88

A man and woman are chatting in a bar.
'How old do think I am?' she asks...

..'hmmm...based on your skin....25...your eyes...20....and your body..18'
'
oooh..you really know how to charm a woman'

...'be quiet a minute' he says..'I'm trying to add up here...'

M.T. Cranium

But I am a monk -- on call.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain.

I would like to buy this TV, she said to the salesman.

Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes, he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again said to the salesman,

I would like to buy this TV.

Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes, he replied.

Dam, he recognized me, she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses.

Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said,

I would like to buy this TV.

Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes, he replied.

Frustrated, she asked, How do you know I’m a blonde?

Because that’s a microwave, he replied.

New Home

My father used to say, "Always fight fire with fire", which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

(Peter Kay)

New Home

My wife sent her photo to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
(Les Dawson)

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been drinking since early evening.

While been very drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

While passing a graveyard one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to find a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, These damn girls night out have got to stop.

My wife came home last night without her panties.

That's nothing, said the other husband, Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said,

From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

Hey look, I’m a vet I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions:

I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said,

There you are.

Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.

Edward M

A demanding patient went in to see their doctor saying, Dr, I have a desperate itch between my toes, I'd like you to refer me on immediately to a specialist!
The doctor asked, what type of specialist are you looking for?
The agitated patient said loudly, one that can fix this fn itch between my toes!
The doctor then says, well that could be one of two types of specialist, depending on whether the itch is between all your toes, or, if it's between your big toes.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle.

One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle.

The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, I think I'll get up and get a coke.

"No problem," says the attorney, I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you.

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it.

When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, That looks good, I think I'll have one too.

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight.

As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

How long must this go on he asks the physicians?

This fighting between our professions?

This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?

Capt'n Midnight

I went to the doctors today and he said I was paranoid...

...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew he was thinking it...

Capt'n Midnight

Theresa May might as well become a Jehovah's Witness.


They don't have a party at Christmas either.

castletownman

Despite being intolerant to bread and other wheat products, I still eat it every day.

I am a gluten for punishment.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.

Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence.

Why don't we do it again for old times sake?' The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.

The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.

Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen.

You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'

christy c

I was caught by a guard climbing over a wall at the Aviva last night. He shouted "get back in there and watch the rest of it". #ROI v NI

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a few sips of vodka. He tnen proceeded to give his sermon. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Bob Harris

A naked woman gets into a cab in New York with a Chinese driver.
Her turns and looks her up and down.
'what's the matter' she says 'you've never seen a naked woman before?'
'no' he says 'I just wonder where you have money to pay fare'.

Moral of the story, be more like the Chinese and focus on your work.