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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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RobMc59

Please could somebody buy Chris Rea a sat nav for Christmas,the poor fecker has been driving home for Christmas since 1986!

blade1

RobMc59 wrote: »

Please could somebody buy Chris Rea a sat nav for Christmas,the poor fecker has been driving home for Christmas since 1986!

I think he learnt his lesson that year.
The year after he sang This is the Road to Hell.

byrner88

My wife rang me at work and said, "Ikea have delivered that wardrobe but I don't think it's going to be very big".

I said, "Oh right ... have you made it up?"

She said, "No, I'm telling the truth".

Edgware

RobMc59 wrote: »

Please could somebody buy Chris Rea a sat nav for Christmas,the poor fecker has been driving home for Christmas since 1986!

I wonder wil the lad on the E.S.B. ad bring the boyfriend home from London for Christmas this year or will he tell the Ma that "she" is visiting her folks " up North"

TheChevron

I just found out my cousin with a stutter died in prison. He wasn't even finished his sentence.

Bob Harris

Earlier this evening Jesse Lingard was stopped when entering Old Trafford by one of the security guards .

"What have you got in that carrier bag Mr Lingard ?" the security guard asked .

" It's a gun" Jesse replied.

"Thank goodness for that" the security guard replied , " For one minute there I thought you were going to say your boots"

decky1

The Nativity play in the Dail is in doubt this year as they can't find 3 wise men, the search for a virgin is ongoing, but they had no problem finding a donkey.

byrner88

"My father used to beat me with a camera....

I Still have flashbacks"

byrner88

Things are getting serious with me and my homeless girlfriend.....

She asked me to move out with her

Dub Ste

blade1 wrote: »

I think he learnt his lesson that year.
The year after he sang This is the Road to Hell.

Could have been worse, it could've been the Road to Hull !!!:eek::eek:

blade1

Dub Ste wrote: »

Could have been worse, it could've been the Road to Hull !!!:eek::eek:

Or worse again, Rod Hull.

Blaizes

My little son told me this one !

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because 7 8 9 !

decky1

Can everyone be extra careful on the roads this weekend, men are having a drink and letting their wife's drive.

mad m

I was talking to my mate last night, he tell me he was in a bar in Francis street when the Edge and Bono came in.

The barman said not U2 again...

Ok Ill get my coat...……………..

byrner88

Little girl: mommy... do babies come out where daddy puts his penis?

Mommy: *blushing*....um, well... yes, dear. why do you ask?

Little girl: won't that break your jaw?

LaFuton

i have the sushi joke for you now, for to make fun happy mouth noise on you.

what is a fish without a bicycle?
a party!

clol (chineselol)

blade1

davemcbuiop wrote: »

Gary Lightbody has been arrested by the Garda Traffic Unit for running after cars on the road.

He was supposed to be patrolling the area!

LaFuton

blade1 wrote: »

He was supposed to be patrolling the area! :

thought he was on the Run

decky1

before my operation the nurse asked me for a contact number in case anything went wrong, I said '999'

LaFuton

667

new better satan

decky1

My wife say's i never give her my full attention when were having Sex, ah well i better get back to it.

decky1

paddy and mick were sent to prison , the guy's there told them the best way to communicate with each other is to bang your spoons on the central heating pipes,it worked great for them until they were put in separate cells.

Oscar1978

Little Johnny wakes in the middle of the night thirsty. On the way to get some water he hears noises in the parents room and has a look through the keyhole. After a few seconds he continues on to get water muttering " and she gives out to me for sucking my thumb" !!

fryup

Paddy and Mick go down to the welfare center, looking for disability benefit, walking in they see a big sign saying "benefit interviews today for the Deaf"

Wanting easy money they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "Shut the door" Paddy does, and the interviewer says "You're not deaf at all. Get out! Get out of my sight!"

Paddy leaves the office and tells Mick in the corridor whatever you do don't shut the door, Mick goes into the office, and the interviewer says, "Shut the door" and Mick replies, "shut it your f*ckin self!"

Melania Frump

Last year I told my husband that nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring.
So he gave me nothing.
Im going to rephrase that this year.

byrner88

Not one of my normal messages .

Bit more serious .

If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

byrner88

The amount of ugly people walking around with veneers !!
It's like putting a set of Alloys on a Wheeliebin!ðŸ€£

RobMc59

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick:
"Someone's stolen your car!"

Mick says:"Bastards!,did you see who did it?"

Paddy says:"no,but I got the registration number!!"

RobMc59

A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says:
"Wow,I've never served a weasel before,what can I get you?"
"Pop"goes the weasel...

joeguevara

I was going to stay by myself for Christmas. But then my mother called and offered to make me eggs Benedict every day if I came home.

Looks like I'm going home for the Hollandaise.