The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

housetypeb

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high.
She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.
"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.”
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of sucking cock, she decides the frog might be a good investment.
She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.

The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "Once I teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die.

To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go with St.Peter. With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you all let your wives be the boss of you except for one.

Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Now learn from him.

God then turns around to the man on his own and says tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

The man replied, I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.

Capt'n Midnight

When I die I want to be buried with some bronze arrowheads and my car keys, just to annoy archaeologists years from now.

Capt'n Midnight

A lorry carrying a large consignment of Roget’s Thesaurus has crashed on the M50 and scattered the contents over a wide area. Gardaí are investigating the cause of the mystery crash, which has left them confused, perplexed, mystified, puzzled, baffled, bamboozled, bewildered, flummoxed, stumped and confounded.

lolie

I was reading about this 3 year old kid in China who weighs nearly 9 stone...

His parents say he's so fat he can hardly walk to work in the morning

Capt'n Midnight

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

Capt'n Midnight

Examples of CV blunders:

– My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people.

– As security guard my job is to pervert unauthorised people from coming onto the site

– I am a pubic relations officer

– I was responsible for dissatisfied customers

– My role involved coaching and mentioning

– I have excellent editing and poof-reading skills

– I relieved the conference manager

– I am a prooficient typist

– Socially I like to dine out with different backgrounds

– I get well with all types of people

– I was responsible for fraudulent claims

– While working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people

– Experienced sheet mental worker

– Highly adept at multi-tasting

– Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable

Capt'n Midnight

If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne. My advice, hit it with a ship. I've seen people do that. It works."

Capt'n Midnight

I once got a puncture in a place called Hindley Green, on the outskirts of Wigan. I pulled into the garage and said, 'Have you got an Airline?' He said, 'Push off, we've not even got a bus station'.
Dave Spikey


People think it always rains in Manchester. Not true though I admit it's the only town in the country with lifeboat drill on the bus routes.
Les Dawson


It was a tough school, The teacher said to the class 'What comes after a sentence? The kid says: 'You make an appeal'.
Stan Boardman


I went down to the snack bar and bought a bag of crisps. I got spring onion because I felt I needed to eat some vegetables.
Harry Pearson


There's one golden rule of etiquette: always tilt the plate towards you when you lick it.
Andy Capp


I love Bolton... I can go to the chippy in my slippers. You can't do that down London, you'd be arrested.
Peter Kay


I live in Lytham St Annes where it's so posh that when we eat cod and chips we wear a yachting cap.
Les Dawson


Half of the people on my estate dream of owning their own homes. The other half dream of breaking into them when they get them.
Roy 'Chubby' Brown


A Geordie friend of mine advised that when judging Southerners we must always remember that they have not had the benefit of our disadvantages.
Harry Pearson


My childhood was just like the Waltons but without the sawmill.
Johnny Vegas


The house was so damp the mice were strangled by an octopus.
Les Dawson


In India if a man dies the widow flings herself onto the funeral pyre... in this country the woman just says '72 baps, Connie, you slice, I'll spread'.
Victoria Wood


I came home about two o'clock in the morning on Thursday and she's stood behind the front door with a rolling pin. I said 'You're never up at this time doing the baking, are you?'
Roy 'Chubby' Brown


What a day! Hoovering, dusting, polishing – how's a man supposed to nap when his wife's doing all that?
Andy Capp


How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It's never been tried.
Ken Dodd

Edward M

A husband and wife are driving along and arguing furiously.
They pass a herd of donkeys in a field, the wife asks while pointing to the donkeys, relatives of yours?
The husband says, yes, Inlaws!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.

The second deaf man signed back, Boy you're lucky.

My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.

The first deaf man asked, So, what did you do?

The second man replied, I turned off the light..

Ipso

A man walks into an antique shop with an old violin and a landscape painting. The shop owner says "looks like you got a Stradivarius and a Constable there".
The man was over the moon, then the shop owner said "The trouble is Stradivarius couldn't paint, and Constable made sh1t violins".

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time;

Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me Mary cries.

I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day replies Jane.

Yes, says Mary but your husband's an antique dealer.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name 2 of Santa's reindeer.

The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question,Rudolph and Olive he answered.

The host asked the contestant, We'll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive?

The man looked at the host and said, You know, 'Olive,' the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.


A daughter asked her mother how do you spell penis.

Her mother said you should have asked me last night while it was on the tip of my tongue.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

PaddyMurphy and Michael O'Connor are at the Galway races.

Michael whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race?

Paddy replies No thanks, I've only got a small garden.


Paddy Murphy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says i've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb.

The operator asks, Is it tickin? Paddy says, No I tink it's beef.


A coach full of Paddy’s are on a mystery tour and decide to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.

The driver won €52.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The day before Father’s Day, Mary Murhpy took her three-year-old son, Paddy, to the Easons to pick out a card for his Da.

Inside, she showed him the cards and asked him to pick one.

Paddy was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots.

Paddy, what are ya doing?Mary asked haven’t you found a nice card for your Da yet?

No, he replied.

I’m looking for one with money in it.



An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

What'll you have he asked? Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose, she replied.

So, Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.Yuck, that's terrible she spluttered.

I don't know how you can drink this stuff.

Well, there you go, says Paddy and you think I'm out enjoying myself every night

Capt'n Midnight

Rembrandt’s Fingerprints Are Found on the Surface of a Painting for Sale

Police have arrested the dealer on suspicion of handling stolen goods.


















Rembrandt himself is still at large.

coolhull

My mate just rang me and he was in tears. His wife had just left him and taken his Bob Marley record collection and the satellite dish.
No Woman, No Sky....

kildare lad

Whats blue and not very heavy ????




light blue

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: easy William, we won't be long.

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, It's okay William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.

Hang in there! At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley.

Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, William, relax buddy, don't get upset.

We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.

That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather Thanks", says the grandfather, but iam William, this little pups name is Kevin.

Darth Vader's good advice of the day:-

Always put padding between your penis and anything metal in cold weather.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A doulbe-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin.

The Judge says to him, You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, you bast*rd.

The Judge says, You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.

The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out,You rotten bast*rd!

The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, Sir,

I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?

Paddy stands up and says,

I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fiftenn years I've lived next door to that arseh*le and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.



Jim was driving along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.

What's wrong Seamus. Jim asked?

Well didn't ya know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back said Seamus?

Ah, praise the Almighty! he replied with relief.I thought I'd gone deaf.

Car expert

A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.

"Plethora," he says.

"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

BBFAN

Uber sent me an email today saying "Hi BBFAN, long time no ride". Don't I ****ing know it. No need to remind me. :D:D

housetypeb

Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be having sex with you."

Capt'n Midnight

Over in the UK they have these new Universal Credit Advent Calendars.

There's sweet FA behind any of the windows

M.T. Cranium

A new start-up business selling amplifiers failed almost immediately. They had no idea how to handle the business of volume.

A man who spoke very little English was using google translate on his smart phone to answer some questions from a new acquaintance. "How much do you weigh, and how's your love life?"

He said, "I displace fifteen rocks, and I would very much like to get my stones off."

M.T. Cranium

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

A new start-up business selling amplifiers failed almost immediately. They had no idea how to handle the business of volume.

Might be because they had a silent launch!

M.T. Cranium

Climate scientists warn that in the future, a stitch in time may only save five. Cats may only have three lives. And it will get so cold, you will have to go inside to read that newspaper story about global warming.

Purple Mountain

What do you call a line of men waiting to have their hair cut?


A barbeque.