The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

New Home

After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house. I texted her: “Oh pun the door!”

New Home

The pessimist sees a tunnel.
The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train...
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railway track.

QuintusFabius

Virginity like bubble, one little prick, all gone ...

New Home

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered... Swarm...

Capt'n Midnight

Love is like a photograph.

It need darkness to develop.

Capt'n Midnight

I went train spotting today.


It was really easy, they're huge and make lots of noise.

Police:Where do u live?
Me:With my parents
Police:Where your parents live?
Me:With me
Police:Where u all live?
Me:Together
Police:Where is your house?
Me:Next to my neighbours
Police:Where is your neighbours house?
Me:If i tell you, you wont believe me
Police:Tell me
Me:Next to my house

New Home

I accidentally ran into a guy that once sold me an antique globe. It’s a small world.

New Home

I finally watched Doctor Who. It was about time.

New Home

I don't advertise my lip reading business. It’s all word of mouth.

New Home

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

New Home

I've created an app similar to Tinder but it's for palaeontologists. It is called Carbon Dating.

TheBody

What do you call a domino thief?
Dominic.

Capt'n Midnight

New Home wrote: »

I finally watched Doctor Who. It was about time.

Knock knock
Who's there ?
Doctor ....

TheBody

My hopes of learning morse code have been dashed.

New Home

TheBody wrote: »

My hopes of learning morse code have been dashed.

I am reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it!

Capt'n Midnight

She did Morse because her dada did it.

New Home

So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners. Luckily for me catscan.

New Home

I was thinking of going as a Band-Aid plaster for Halloween, but then decided against it. It would be really hard to pull off.

foxy farmer

New Home wrote: »

So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners. Luckily for me catscan.

How did they find that out? From the lab report I suppose.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar that says

FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second, there’s an alagator out back with a sore tooth you have to remove it with your bare hands.

Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm.

You gotta make things right for her.

The guy says, Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it.

You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, Wherez zat teeqeelah?

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
“Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

New Home

Just so everybody's clear... I’m going to put my glasses on.

New Home

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I ask him what he was doing.
“Just checking my balance,” he said.

New Home

How do flat earthers travel the world?
On a plane.

New Home

I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do...

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner.

You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires.

The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, did you do what I told you to do?

Yes, damm it got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, It’s a perfectly trained frog.

I can’t understand what’s wrong.

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop.

He places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

What? she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says,

Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this.

New Home

After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Four elephants, one carrying a can of paraffin walk off a cliff.






































boom, boom,boom,boom Esso Blue!

(only people of a certain age will get that one)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWcTwVRqFtY

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

I am placed in the door and told when to jump my hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.

He quickly answered Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.

M.T. Cranium

WE FORGOT TO MENTION THE BIG ENORMOUS SPACECRAFT THAT SIT MOTIONLESS IN DEEP SPACE BUT HAVE GRAVITY AND ...