The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

New Home

What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea?
Denis.

New Home

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.

New Home

During my annual checkup, my doctor asked me about the level of my physical activity.

I described a typical day this way.
"Yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through bushes.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it left me shattered.
At the end, I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "Just a bad golfer."

New Home

[Interview]
"What are your strengths?"
Me: I fall in love easily.
"Okay... what are your weaknesses?"
Me:Those blue eyes of yours.

Capt'n Midnight

New Home wrote: »

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.

But he wasn't the monster

Capt'n Midnight

British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates.

All he has to do now, is visit the UAE embassy to pick up his papers.

Capt'n Midnight

Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.

New Home

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

But he wasn't the monster

Considering what he thought was ethically acceptable to do, I'd say he was a monster indeed. :cool:

New Home

New Home wrote: »

Considering what he thought was ethically acceptable to do, I'd say he was a monster indeed. :cool:

Ah Shure, he was only experimenting!

I wonder if the bolts are metric?

New Home

Prob'ly Ikea leftovers.

Capt'n Midnight

Deleted User wrote: »

Ah Shure, he was only experimenting!

I wonder if the bolts are metric?

Probably not

While
Frankenstein Castle was in Germany, they didn't adopt the metric system until long after 1814.


Supposedly by 1810 there were 112 different standards for the Elle around GermanyIt's the distance between elbow and fingertip, a cubit or a foot and a half .

The food also varied from Aachen to Zürich and back again.
Lots and lots of units back then. I love standards, so many to choose from.



BTW
The concept came from Hollywood so probably UNC ( Unified Thread Standard ) so not metric :P

























P.S.
What did Frankenstein do when the monster lost it's head ?

He made a bolt for it :pac:

That's nuts (1/2" BSW)

Edward M

Pretty screwed up story really!

Allinall

Bought a dog from the local iron mongers last week.

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the back door.

Did you hear about the mathematician with an irrational fear of negative numbers?


He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

M.T. Cranium

Did you hear about the mathematician who brought three and one seventh pieces of apple pie on board a recent airline flight? It was a pi in the sky dream she had for many years.

Did you hear about the mathematician at the conference whose head looked like the number six thanks to his rather odd haircut? He was elected president of the congress but people said he was just a figurehead.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I was offered a job today but I turned it down because they were only willing to pay me in vegetables.

The celery was unacceptable.


My deaf wife just told me that we need to talk.

That was not a good sign.


How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady,

Why is your stomach so big?

She replied, Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked,

Is the baby in your stomach?
She said, He sure is.

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, Is it a good baby?"

She said, Oh, yes. It's a real good baby.

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked.

Then why did you eat him?

M.T. Cranium

Because he asked too many questions ....

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Ken.

Candie wrote: »

What's the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

We are simple folk really.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLC7Qar_ym8

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!.

byrner88

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.

byrner88

I called The AA this morning and said, "I've broken down on the M50.

"Sorry sir," she replied, "We only help alcoholics."

"That's handy," I said, "How soon can you get here?"

pleas advice

Have you ever wondered why Hawaii is so hot and Alaska is so cold even though they are literally right next to each other?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.

Well Jhonny the answer is four, said the teacher, but I like the way you're thinking.

Little Johnny says, I have a question for you teacher. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?

Well, said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone.

No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking.

Raheem Euro

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared.
Man: How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found out they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.They put the bull in the field with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The Vet rubbed his chin and thought before asking, Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ? The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.You are truly a wise Vet, they said.

How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: My wife is from Scotland.