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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #5042
    FraserburghFreddie
    Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭FraserburghFreddie


    The wife suggested we spice things up a bit and play doctors and nurses.

    So I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for 48 hours..



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    #5043
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I went to the doctor this morning and told him that every time I cough, I hear words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen.


    He said I had a chess infection.



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    #5044
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,838 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why are the Pyramids in Egypt?

    Because they're too heavy to carry to a British museum.



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    #5045
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,838 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a supermarket.

    Doctor: How long have you felt like this?

    Me: Since I was Lidl.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


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    #5046
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,363 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    In a twist on the traditional Thanksgiving practice, a turkey pardoned Joe Biden.



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    #5047
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,078 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Our local dentist is doing half price teeth cleaning today…


    It’s Plaque Friday!



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    #5048
    Nodster
    Registered Users Posts: 949 ✭✭✭Nodster


    Looking around the restaurant a diner noticed all the waiters had a spoon in their chest pocket. Curious he asked his waiter why they carried one. "Simple, management noticed that spoons are the most commonest dropped items of cutlery, so we carry a spare to save time going to the cutlery drawer to fetch one" Later on as the waiter served the next course, the diner noticed a bit of string coming out from his fly. Again the diner was even more curious. Waiter explained it was a time saving exercise that when going to the toilet he pulled the string and his flute popped out and he could relieve himself and save time having to wash his hands. "So tell us how do you pop it back? enquired the diner. "Oh we use a spoon" replied the waiter



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    #5049
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Why can't passwords be detectives?


    They are case sensitive.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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    #5050
    FraserburghFreddie
    Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭FraserburghFreddie


    "I'm going out to scrape the car,"the Mrs said to me this morning.

    "Against what?"I asked..



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    #5051
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I accidently splashed pickle juice onto my face.

    Now I'm brined in one eye.



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    #5052
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,838 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm single by choice.

    Not mine, but still



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    #5053
    FraserburghFreddie
    Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭FraserburghFreddie


    We were so poor when we were young,our Dad used to close the bedroom door so we would have something to open on Christmas morning.



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    #5054
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    Just been to see Vin Diesel's new Fast and Furious Christmas musical....

    Jesus Christ Supercar.



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    #5055
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas.

    It's rubbish.

    Everything is either underground or overground.



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    #5056
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,078 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My girlfriend said she would only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.


    I can't wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor...



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    #5057
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,363 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    So about this 2023, I just cannot trust any year that starts with 202. I would like to review the fine print before I enter into any agreements.



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    #5058
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,078 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I was charged and convicted of being narcissistic.


    Im appealing



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    #5059
    silverharp
    Registered Users Posts: 17,849 ✭✭✭✭silverharp


    My wife told me to embrace my feminine so I went out, crashed the car and didnt speak to her for the rest of the day for no reason

    A belief in gender identity involves a level of faith as there is nothing tangible to prove its existence which, as something divorced from the physical body, is similar to the idea of a soul. - Colette Colfer



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    #5060
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,838 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120067649#Comment_120067649

    Propose in Nenagh.



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    #5061
    Heighway61
    Registered Users Posts: 1,966 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    A dodgy looking character was invading my personal space on the train. I said don't stand so close to me and called the police.



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    #5062
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,582 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    David Beckham's 2nd son arrived at his soccer ground for training. He asked the coach which number shirt he was to wear.

    The coach answered , "Wear four out there, Romeo."



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    #5063
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,164 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120075943#Comment_120075943

    And have the wedding in Hospital Co. Limerick.



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    #5064
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    In Waterstones today and asked if the Prince Harry book was available to download. Do you want the PDF file I was asked. No, I said, that's his uncle.



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    #5065
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    An interesting historical story; During Colonial times, William Penn, the founder of modern-day Pennsylvania, was one of Philadelphia's most prominent citizens. He had two maiden aunts who ran a bakery together, renowned for its fruit pies, the best in that part of the USA. After many happy years in their bakery, the two had a bitter falling-out, and one ended up opening a new bakery across the street from the other. It wasn't long before a nasty price war ensued, every day it seemed one aunt would lower their prices to undercut the other. Eventually, the matter got so ridiculous that both bakeries were selling their pies below cost, though the aunts still bitterly contested each other. By this time, the only topic of conversation along the Eastern Seaboard was the pie rates of Penn's aunts. In short, they made a complete song and dance about it



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    #5066
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,838 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A spokesperson for Pink Floyd has stated that, despite the rumours, the band will not be changing their pronouns to Us and Them.



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    #5067
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,838 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    So 2023 is set to be the coldest winter on record. Not because of the weather, but because we can't afford to put the heating on!



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    #5068
    its_steve116
    Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭its_steve116


    Father: "Look, I'm sorry I couldn't afford anywhere in London to live. Sure the home counties are only a stone's throw"

    Son: "Surrey's not good enough!"



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    #5069
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,838 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Managed to book a table for two on Valentine's Day. I hope she likes snooker.



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    #5070
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,078 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Shakespeare did most of his daily writing before he'd even put on his stockings.


    Prose before hose.



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    #5071
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,918 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I hired a landscape gardener, but he said he couldn’t help as my garden is portrait.



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