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One-Liner Jokes

1…7071737576…118

Comments

  • #3602
    Bandana boy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,335 ✭✭✭Bandana boy


    I thought we had contained monkie socks here , but i see the infection has spread to the Football threads !

    Anyhoo a joke bad enough to entertain Monkie

    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


  • #3603
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Bandana boy wrote: »
    I thought we had contained monkie socks here , but i see the infection has spread to the Football threads !

    Anyhoo a joke bad enough to entertain Monkie

    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


    I'm sure you heard of Herr Kloop's daughter......Klippty :p

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3604
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Doctor to Mrs. Brown: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”
    -
    Mrs.Brown shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3605
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I recently took up meditation....It beats sitting around doing nothing.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3606
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

    Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat that herself.”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3607
    Tammy!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,149 ✭✭✭Tammy!


    What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

    I don't know and I don't care


  • #3608
    donegal_man
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    The inventor of inappropriate innuendo died suddenly yesterday.
    His wife is taking it really hard.

    My girlfriend told me I’m her 32nd lover.
    It turns out what she really meant was I’m her thirty second lover.

    Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus girls in my area are no longer interested in me.


  • #3609
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call the soft tissue between a Shark's teeth? ^^^^^

    A slow swimmer.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3610
    fiwewifo
    Registered Users Posts: 1 ✭fiwewifo


    Tea is for mugs.


  • #3611
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    I became a chef after I left the army.
    Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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  • #3612
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,023 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Puns make me numb, but maths puns make me number.


  • #3613
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,023 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Ireland has the fastest growing population. Every day it's Dublin.


  • #3614
    mistersifter
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,185 ✭✭✭mistersifter


    My bird is the only one I'm sleeping with. The others are all sevens at least.


  • #3615
    LaFuton
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 784 ✭✭✭LaFuton


    knock knock...

    who's there?

    epstein didn't kill himself


  • #3616
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    I like to live each day as though it's my last-so I really needed CPR from those girls your honour.


  • #3617
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    “What’s in that field, Ted?”
    “Herd of cows”
    “Of course I have”
    “It’s them”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3618
    bonzodog2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,251 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    Q: What do they serve for breakfast at the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland?
    A: Cheerios.

    I'll get my coat...


  • #3619
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was in a Scottish pub last week, also doing a crossword.

    I got stuck on “stranded on a desert island”......... Eight letters.

    I had the first two letters “MA”.

    When a local Scotsman said “Marooned” six people stood up asked for a Pint of lager.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3620
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What do you call an Italian tramp ?

    Giovani Change
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3621
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    People are so judgemental these days …


    I can tell, just by looking at them …………...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #3622
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Amazon are useless.

    I ordered Four Kindles in the Black Friday deals and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3623
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Amazon are useless.

    I ordered Four Kindles in the Black Friday deals and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

    Don't get it?


  • #3624
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,123 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Sheridan81 wrote: »
    Don't get it?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ozpek_FrOPs


  • #3625
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I see the price of Oxo cubes has shot up again.


    The feckin stock market's gone crazy!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3626
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    On the first Christmas morning, the three wise men walk into the manger.

    The first one steps in donkey shit, looks at his shoe and exclaims "Jesus Christ".. Mary looks up at Joseph and says..."that's a better name than Brian"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3627
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    People say we should do our bit for climate change for our children and our children's children-but I'm not sure kids should be having sex.


  • #3628
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've just been laid off from my job at the salt and pepper factory. It was only seasonal work.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3629
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My kids were really upset when I told them I'd put Ginger in the Curry.




    They really loved that cat.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3630
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Did you know that towels are the number 1 cause of dry skin ?
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #3631
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Was chatting to neighbour about my kids looking everywhere for their Christmas presents.

    He replied " try putting them the attic"

    I thought to myself "probably a bit too cold for the kids"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3632
    minikin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭minikin


    Sales of irons have decreased.
    copyright minikinoneliners inc. 2019


  • #3633
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    "There's been a fire at Tesco"

    "Has there?"

    "No, Tesco"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3634
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    I pulled a sickie from work the other day and they demoted me for it. So that's me done looking after coma victims at the hospital.


  • #3635
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

    I said "No, but I can do a pretty good Bohemian Rhapsody".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3636
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went to Irish Rail's Christmas Ball this week.


    Everyone was wearing platforms.







    beer.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3637
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
    -
    Being a sniper is awesome.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3638
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Did you hear about the cannibal with Diarrhea?






    He passed his friend in the street

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3639
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Went to the sperm bank yesterday - the nurse asked me to masturbate in the cup.

    I said I might be pretty good at it but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3640
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I paid €100 up front for a carpenter to make me up a double bed.

    He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3641
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Due to ongoing bankruptcy issues, Katie Price couldn’t pay her water bill anymore.

    I sent her a Get Well Soon card.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3642
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    By the end of January the EU will be 1 GB free

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3643
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3644
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,867 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    I told my girlfriend a Double Entendre was a french drink.

    When she asked for it at the bar, the barman gave her one.


  • #3645
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3646
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Sad to say my clothes horse has broken beyond repair after 35 years of service. It’s the end of an airer!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3647
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    "I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3648
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just got fired from my job at the Cycus as a human cannonball....they said I wasn't the right caliber for the job

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3649
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3650
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    My dad worked in the army as an undertaker and was often mistaken for a former American president.

    He was a barrack embalmer.


    -Good old Milton Jones


  • #3651
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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