One-Liner Jokes

BaZmO* · 22-09-2005 12:11pm

What key opens every lock?

A Pikey!!!

B.

largewang · 03-10-2005 10:33am

Raz wrote:

What do you call a fly with no legs?
A walk

Whats the last thing that comes into a flys head as he hits a car windscreen?
His ass

whats all this "spoiler" business either you're tellin the joke or not........................................sap

Shabadu · 03-10-2005 11:23am

largewang, welcome to Boards.ie. Personal insults are not generally looked on kindly here. Check out the Newbie/FAQ forum if you have any questions.

The Free Man · 04-10-2005 12:26am

Whats green but turns red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a blender.....

condra · 04-10-2005 1:57am

jokes about cruelty to animals, women, poles, travellers, lesbians, disabled people, ....

Sgskes joke must have been VERY POOR TASTE..

anyone got any irish paddy jokes?

oops sorry i forgot it was the 21st century.

..

yes i am a grumpy vegetarian travelling polish lesbian with no legs with no sense of humour... got a problem with that paddy?

air_vent · 05-10-2005 10:44am

I posted a link to the Mitch hedbeg wikipedia site too many to post here some class one liners!!!!

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Some samples!!!

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero

I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Some real gems there enjoy!!!

P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2005 9:27pm

What do you call a grumpy vegetarian travelling polish lesbian with no legs with no sense of humour ?.

Ok what's 200m long and eats vegetables ?
A Polish meat queue.
In 1970.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2005 9:29pm

Stupid safety announcments "Nn case of fire please leave by the exits"

Now call me stupid but given a choice between two walls and a gap, I'll go for the gap every time.

jcoote · 05-10-2005 9:29pm

what capt'n

Hagar · 05-10-2005 9:31pm

Tell us, I want to watch the movie, I can't sit here all night.

*lucy lu* · 10-10-2005 8:36pm

declan muffet, glenamaddy

u need t hear d rest o d joke t get it... bu dat Tommy Teirnan cracks me up!

Capt'n Midnight · 10-10-2005 9:41pm

"I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Capt'n Midnight · 10-10-2005 11:35pm

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Le Rack · 16-10-2005 8:04pm

did ya ever rape some one?

But seriously, what's the difference between a pub and a clitorus?
Most men can find a pub.

Nosh*tsherlock · 20-10-2005 3:38pm

Bloke goes to the doctor, says, 'Doctor I can't pronounce my 'f's, 't's or 'h's.
Doc says, 'Well, you can't say fairer than that.';)

gerTheGreat · 21-10-2005 12:03pm

<snip>

ger - your gonna be banned for that shite when I get around to it - please read the forum rules before posting

Bio

condra · 21-10-2005 4:12pm

< bloody 'eck ger! youre one sick puppy

Capt'n Midnight · 23-10-2005 1:33am

I'm addicted to placebos. I've tried to give them up.
But after a day or two I rationalise if it would make any difference...

bozzie · 23-10-2005 5:00pm

did ya hear about the magic tractor

it went down the road and turned into a field

mchurl · 27-10-2005 1:43pm

Did you hear about the fight in the chipper?

The sausage got battered!:D

luckat · 30-10-2005 1:33am

Woman walks into a bar and says to the barman gimme a double entendre, so he gave her one.

----

Why do they call camels the ship of the desert? Because they're full of Arab seamen.

(Sorry, that's revolting, I know.)

Two hydrogen atoms walking down the street; one says to the other, why do you look so sad? The other says, I just lost an electron. The first: You sure? The other: yeah, I'm positive.

Livewire304 · 02-11-2005 3:38am

A man is walking his two dogs when another man comes up to him and asks " are those Jack Russells? No says your man there mine!!!

BusinessTime · 02-11-2005 2:31pm

Why did Mary fall off the swing? ...........Cause she had no arms.

Why couldn't Mary get back up? ..........Cause she had no legs.

Why did no one offer to help her up? .......Cause she had no friends.

<snip>

Fergal

BioHazRd · 03-11-2005 9:19am

BusinessTime

You are a muppet - if you think that anything even remotely racist is funny you have come to the wrong forum - consider this a warning

Bio

Capt'n Midnight · 03-11-2005 9:04pm

yore ma's so fat - she uses a boomerang to put on her belt

bozzie · 03-11-2005 11:58pm

yo mamas so stupid she worked in an m&m factory and trew away all the ones with w on em

NikNik · 04-11-2005 11:55am

yo mama's so hairy her nipples have afros

bozzie · 05-11-2005 10:00pm

yo mamas so fat when she ears high heels she strikes oil

Hagar · 08-11-2005 11:17am

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Prior Of Taize · 08-11-2005 12:39pm

*lucy lu* wrote:

declan muffet, glenamaddy

u need t hear d rest o d joke t get it... bu dat Tommy Teirnan cracks me up!

its Declan Moffet...not muffet....if its so great you should at least remember it

MidnightQueen · 15-11-2005 2:37pm

Well yer all thick if ya cant get this one.

What is the hottest part of the sun?
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Page 3.

NikNik · 17-11-2005 1:24pm

How does the man on the moon cut his hair ?
Eclipse it

2 snakes walking along. One asks the other: "Are we poisonous?". Second snake says: "I don't know, why?" The first replies: "I just bit my tongue."

A woodworm walks into a bar: "Is the bartender here?"

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
Baboom !

Giraffe walks into a bar. Bartender:"Sorry we don't serve long-necks in here."

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her steering wheel ?
She was trying to blow the horn

Man goes to the doctor. Doc says:"I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer's desiese." The man replies: "Well thank God I don't have cancer!"

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor fainted.

Winnie the Pooh asked his mum: "Why have I got such a sh!t name ?"

Brenner · 18-11-2005 6:49pm

Just remember that yesterday was the tomorrow you worried about the day before yesterday...:)

**Emo!!** · 18-11-2005 11:49pm

Jesus said to Peter "Come forth and you shall have everlasting life"

Peter came fifth and won a toaster!!!:D

Brenner · 21-11-2005 3:45pm

George Bush standing in the shower, drops his soap and says...
"I'm gonna get a rack for that" [American Accent Required]

GLaDOS · 27-11-2005 2:57pm

Sleipnir wrote:

In response to Raz's "what's pink and fluffy" joke

What's pink and fluffy?
pink fluff

what's blue and fluffy?
blue fluff?

what's white and fluffy?
white fluff?
no, cotten wool.............dumbass.

Whats pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff

Whats blue and fluffy?
Cold Pink fluff

Whats green and fluffy?
Sick pink fluff

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick!

meldrew · 27-11-2005 7:33pm

I hear they're not putting up Christmas lights in Vietnam this year .

They're hanging glitter instead

mchurl · 02-12-2005 3:17pm

Did you hear about the family who lived in a tyre?
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They couldnt find a pump so now they're living in a flat!!!!

They couldnt find a pump so now they're living in a flat!!!!

mchurl · 02-12-2005 3:19pm

Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to death by a firing sqaud. They asked him has he any last requests.

He said "Yes, can Peter Crouch do the firing?"

:v:

thehurricane · 02-12-2005 4:30pm

what do puppies and gynecologists have in common?

they both have wet noses

thehurricane · 02-12-2005 5:00pm

What do you get if you turn a blonde upside down?
A brunette with bad breath![/QUOTE]

hehe

Brenner · 05-12-2005 12:47pm

How do you distract a fat person?

Its a piece of cake.

Rnger · 09-12-2005 7:05pm

where does saddam hussain keep his CD's?

in iraq (iraq sounds similar to a rack)

.......... must be told in person really

Fuzzy_Dunlop · 12-12-2005 8:43pm

fairly american joke from Rich Hall-
"whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?"

"Beer nuts are around 2.50, deer nuts are usually under a buck"

Soby · 16-12-2005 11:11pm

Jermey Dixon jokes from FM104

*What have a dog and a mobile phone got in common?? Collar ID!!!

*Jeremy once dated a girl who worked at the carousel at Dublin Airport arrivals hall... They broke up though... she had too much baggage!!

*Man walks into bar with piece of concrete under his arm... "I'll have a pint of beer and one for the road"!!!

*Why was the newspaper reporter queuing up outside the ice cream van?? He was waiting for a scoop!!!

*Why are pirate movies scary?? They just AAARRRRRR!

*What do you call a Mexican man with a rubber toe?? Roberto!!

*Why did the office worker throw his clock out the window?? He wanted to see time fly!!

*Three legged dog hops into a Saloon in the Wild West, jumps up on the bar counter and says to the barman - "who shot my paw"!!!!

*A Sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink... Barman replies "Sorry, we don’t serve drink here"!!!

....If you want to hear more crap jokes like this make sure you're listening to get it off your chest... there are plenty more believe us!

Victor · 16-12-2005 11:17pm

Soby wrote:

*A Sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink... Barman replies "Sorry, we don’t serve drink here"!!!

Eh, did you get this one right?

tintinr35 · 19-12-2005 3:34am

Soby wrote:

*A Sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink... Barman replies "Sorry, we don’t serve drink here"!!!

we dont serve food in here!!!!!

muffin_man · 19-12-2005 7:57pm

My girlfriend asked me to tease her! I said, "alrite fatty!"

irishunion.com · 24-12-2005 4:30pm

muffin_man wrote:

My girlfriend asked me to tease her! I said, "alrite fatty!"

Mine asked me to talk dirty to her! I said, "ok you hairy bytch"

irishunion.com · 24-12-2005 4:35pm

Why Albanian submarines surface every 3 minutes?
Rowers need air.

Why Albania lost the war?
Archer got sick.

How do you annihilate an Albanian tank?
Shoot the ppl who push the tank

One-Liner Jokes

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